MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOURS

I solemnly swear that I have no judgment for anyone’s lifestyle, no matter how debauched; I may be filled with distaste, but I will not give voice to my opinion, unless the individual is someone I care about, or the lifestyle borders on folly and destructive to other individuals.

The true story I’m about to tell is an instance of the second scenario.

I live in Abuja. That city, with all its sedate glitter, can fool one into thinking that there isn’t much that is shocking and dirty going on in its underbelly. I mean, any such decadence is what you’d expect to find in Lagos, the city where anything is possible. Not so in Abuja. Here, we are supposed to do things with a dignified pace. We should live dignified lives. Interact with dignified airs. Live in dignified surroundings. Have dignified sex. And well, break the rules in a dignified manner.

But the man I want to talk about is too much of a hot mess to be dignified.

His name, well, let’s call him Prince George. And in the secret alleyways of the Abuja gaybourhood, he has quite the reputation, such that I know enough about him to know he is married and, at the time of this story, was in his thirties. I have never met or had any friendly contact with him, and after the virtual episode I had with him, I feel doubly certain that I am not interested in making his acquaintance.

The first time I knew about him was when a friend showed me pictures of a fivesome, or so, that Prince had taken and shared to his friends. Naked bodies, bottoms, dicks – they all formed the ambience of the digital photos that was apparently making the rounds.

I had nothing to say to that.

About a year later, another friend invited me to a BBM group that this same Prince had created that day. And his intro into the group was: ‘Hey guys, seven of us had a great time at my house last night. I opened this group to share the pics with you guys.’ Yup! That was the sole purpose of the group’s existence, to titillate the rest of us with photographs of what a raunchy time he’d had the night before.

And then came the pictures! Lots of them. Seven of them took centre stage. Dicks inside asses. Faces contorted with carnal pleasure. Dicks coming inside asses. Dicks ejaculating on stomachs and chests. Sex captured in all the glory of its reckless abandon. And not a single condom in sight.

And that was supposed to be arousing for the rest of us? The irresponsibility was shocking. I couldn’t withhold my opinion in that instance. I had to say something. I told Prince that he was irresponsible and disgusting for having unprotected sex with seven guys, taking pictures and opening a BBM group solely for the purpose of sharing those pictures with strangers. I said a lot. I gave free rein to my anger and distaste.

And he clapped back. Yes, Prince George was not going to take my admonition lying down. Now, this is the funny part. He clapped back with the accusation that I was jealous. That I was probably jealous of him because (Wait for it!) he has a very big dick and his dick is probably bigger than mine.

He went on to say something along the lines of: “Post pics of your dick and I will post mine, so that everyone can compare.”

At first, I hoped he was joking with that ‘post pics, let me prove that my dick is bigger than yours’ line of attack. I mean, here was a married man in his thirties, telling me that I was jealous of his big dick. He had never met me, never seen my pictures before, had no idea who I was. He had to be joking, right?

Wrong.

He was serious. All his responses to my lectures on responsibility were: “Post your dick pics and I will post mine… You’re jealous because my dick is bigger than yours…”

I could not believe it. What was this, a pissing contest? How could a man his age be acting like a nine-year-old boy, going all ‘My daddy’s car is bigger than your daddy’s car’? It was incredulous. I called him out for the fact that seven strangers were having sex with each other without condoms. And his very brilliant retort to that was that everybody there was HIV negative. I was beyond shocked and disgusted at this time. Everybody there was HIV negative! What, did they all simply stroll down to the nearest laboratory, run individual tests, wait for the results to confirm their statuses, and then quickly and gleefully progress from there to Prince’s house for a night of lewd revelry and reckless sex? Even if, perchance they were all HIV negative, how is it not tempting Fate when you indulge in unprotected sex of that magnitude – seven men fucking every other guy like some badly-shot porno flick?

How does this reflect positively on the LGBT community?

And as a man who is married and in his adult age, should he not be an advocate for this message I’m trying to pass across? We are talking about the unrestrained passage of diseases amongst all people involved, from these guys to him to his wife? As we locked horns in this digital fight in the BBM group, I kept thinking he would realize this, that he would understand the risks he was putting his family into, especially considering how this way of life was apparently a norm with him. But no, he didn’t. All he wanted to do was let it be seen by the whole world – or, well, everyone in the BBM group – that his big dick is bigger than mine. After all, it is only jealousy that can make anyone speak out against the thrill of seven men smashing into each other with no condoms.

A couple of years have passed since this incident, and I’m well aware that there’s a strong possibility that Prince George is reading this, and remembering. To him and his ilk, I have this to say: Carry on with your orgies and trysts. There should be no judgment on the extent man should go to fulfill the urge of his carnality. But do so responsibly.

Written by Scarlet Joe