Those Awkward Moments (Episode 9)

Previously on THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: So Kevin’s mum takes him to see Jude in the hospital, in spite of the fact that siszilla Janet had made it expressly clear that he was not to show his face around there. Some major cojones, right? Well, fortunately for Kevin, Mummy Dearest must have had something over Janet, because the woman becomes the perfect little girl when she sees them. We don’t know what Mummy Dearest has up her sleeve against Janet, but before we can ask her, she slumps right there in the hospital. Right after Kevin goes in to see that Jude’s female ex is back in the picture, kissing him and everything. I mean, can’t a guy catch a break around here?

And that’s what you missed on Episode 8.

*

“Shut up and stop lying! Do you take me for a fool!” Father barked as I cowered, dropping to my knees in front of him, my face down.

I quivered as I saw his trousers sag around his waist. He had just whipped his belt out from the waistline. And because he was a retired soldier, I whimpered at the expectation of the agony that was surely to come.

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 8)

Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: After a surprisingly great first day working for Demoniker Dawson, Kevin gets home to see his mum waiting for him. After the ugliness of their past, he’s not very welcoming of her. The road to forgiveness is really rough; both mother and son soon discover that. But Mother is not giving up. She sets out to make amends, first by making breakfast, and then, insisting on taking Kevin to the hospital to see Jude. The same hospital and Jude that Kevin had been banned from getting anywhere close to by Jude’s older sister, Janet.

And that’s what you missed on Episode 7.

*

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

This phrase was one Jude used a lot whenever something terrible or incomprehensible happened. When his phone died – Houston, we have a problem!

When his dog died – Houston, we have a problem!

When his many failed hetero-relationships died – Houston, we have a problem!

Even when both his parents died, Houston was the first to know.

I’d usually say to him, “This Houston guy must be exhausted from the calls you give him every time something happens.”

BEING BRUNO (Episode 2)

Read ‘Being Bruno’ Episode 1 HERE

*

When you were fourteen, your mother got a job as an auxiliary nurse at a private hospital a stone throw away from your house. Your mom was ecstatic with the appointment, and when she started work, sometimes, she took you to the hospital and let you stay in the changing room while she worked.

That was where you were that day, the 27th of May, sitting in the lone plastic chair reading Dean R. Koontz’s Watchers, when a blur of movement outside the window caught your eye. You tore your mind from the thrilling story of the smart golden retriever to the window. At first, you don’t notice anything out of the ordinary, just the normal view of the windows into the second-storey apartment of the next building (you could practically see everything in the rooms, given how close together the houses stood, a something commonplace in Onitsha). And then, your eyes moved to the verandah where he stood.

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 7)

Previously on THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: So, Kevin’s totally got job security, now that he’s officially pop star, Demoniker’s songwriter. She even invites him to a club event with her. (Freaking out!). But wait till you see who’s waiting for him at home – Mummy Dearest! And from the looks of it, we don’t like her very much.

And that’s what you missed on Episode 6.

*

Who was my mother?

She was the woman who read my journal, thumbed through my private thoughts, and then reported my crush on Jude to my father, knowing full well that as a military man, he wouldn’t go easy on me. She was the one who subsequently joined my father to persecute me for my gayness.

She was the woman who threatened to leave my father when he suddenly became accepting of my sexual orientation, a threat so serious that it made the poor man quite miserable.

She was also the woman who concluded that my application to a college in the US was a guise I wanted to use to escape her to the go and have ‘homo’ sex, and subsequently forced a federal university on me.

She was the woman who, when I firmly refused to leave school to attend her birthday bash a few years ago after she and dad relocated to London, lamented to members of our family that I’d become disrespectful of her ever since I was brainwashed by the gays. The result of this was a stream of discourteous calls from relatives, the side-eyes my cousins kept giving me, and the months of church deliverances I was dragged to.

That was my mother – the woman I’d gradually grown to resent very much with the passing years.

BEING BRUNO

FOREWORD: Dennis Macaulay has decided to take a little break off writing his weekly rants because of some study engagements. It’ll just be a few weeks. Until he returns, here’s a new series to occupy Wednesday’s foremost update.

WRITER’S NOTE: This story isn’t about what you’re going to learn at the end of this chapter. Secondly, I felt prompted to debut my writing on KD because of Bobby; after reading the ‘Before I Die’ series, I decided it was time. This story is fiction. All the characters and the plot are the works of my imagination, and any resemblance with real occurrences is purely coincidental.

*

It began with – “It might be HIV o!”

That was what Robert said to you.

And just like that, your life changed.

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 6)

Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Subsequent to Jude getting shot and losing his memory, his sister, Janet, blames Kevin and bans him from their lives. In order to avoid thinking about Jude as fast as possible, Kevin resumes work as a junior songwriter in Highland Records. Expecting to run errands only, he is surprised when informed by his boss, Josh, that he will be the major contributing writer for the upcoming album of Nigerian-turned-international singer, Demoniker.

But things don’t go as expected when Demoniker bluntly shuts down the idea of having an ‘amateur’ songwriter, embarrassing Kevin greatly. Provoked and going on a stint to prove himself brave like Jude, Kevin confronts the star.

And that’s what you missed on episode 5.

*

“Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!” I kept repeating to myself as I stood in front of the sinks in the men’s room, staring at my wet face and brown eyes in the mirror as the tap rushed.

It had been about thirty minutes since I stormed out of the dressing room, thirty-one minutes since I confronted one of the music industry’s biggest creations – Demoniker. After she condescended so outrageously to my capabilities, I was provoked and proceeded to tell her how wrong she was. I didn’t stop there. No. I had to let my anger ride me on to calling her talentless, unoriginal and boring. Now skulking away in the men’s room, I was staring at the reality that my career and reputation as I knew them were finished.

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 5)

Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Jude’s antagonistic elder sister Janet blames Kevin for her brother’s accident and subsequent memory loss, and says she never wants to see him near Jude again. (That’s gotta hurt!) Kevin is so sad by all these events, that he breaks down and starts crying, with only Samuel left to console him.

And that’s pretty much it with Episode 4.

*

The days flew by surprisingly fast, and with ease. Before long, I was feeling better, snuggling up in my couch with a bag of extra salty Doritos Chip bag and watching reruns of Pretty Little Liars on TV.

Then I heard someone knock at the door, a lot like the way the robbers had done. To my amazement, I didn’t even feel an ounce of fear as I darted off to answer the door. I opened it and saw that it was Jude.

“Hey,” I said in the sexiest way possible. Something had to be wrong somewhere; I’d gone from awkward Kevin to thirsty flirt in a snap.

Jude must have loved the new me because he didn’t even greet back; he simply grabbed me and started kissing me, holding my ass a little too firmly. But I was too ‘in the zone’ to care.

Within seconds, we were in my room doing the nasty – I’m talking, fifty shades of grey nasty. We were sweating and grunting and grasping each other . . . Until I woke up.

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 4)

Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Well, besides Jude being shot in the head and leg by thugs, and forgetting Kevin altogether… Nothing much happened.

*

I was too distraught to leave the hospital premises to locate any nearby business center, so I begged one of the nurses in the hospital to lend me her phone. When she did, I immediately called my friends, as well as Jude’s elder sister, Janet; she was his only living family member, and he lived with her and her second husband. (Remember how I predicted she wouldn’t last with that one who she was wedding the day I met Jude?) She screamed into the phone as I relayed the news to her, and broke out into a flurry of cusswords and rants, hurling them at me as though I was the one to blame for her brother’s predicament. She and I had never gotten along well in all the time I’d known Jude. I disliked her from that first day of her wedding, a feeling that intensified when she began to act resentful toward me, ever since she remarked on how ‘unmanly’ I was. Sometimes, I wondered how much she knew about my sexual orientation and about my closeness with Jude.

“As I said,” the doctor was saying several minutes later, when Janet was around, “the brain vessels are fine. It’s just an effect of the damage done to the left side of his brain. But honestly speaking, at the moment, there’s no way of knowing if the memory loss is going to be short-lived or long lasting. We’re looking at a period lapse of about five years.”

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 3)

Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Two weeks after the whole cinema debacle, Jude visits Kevin’s house and kinda sorta confesses his feelings for him. But everything goes south when some armed robbers attack. And guess who saw it fit to out himself to a homophobic thug with a gun – JUDE!

And that’s pretty much all that happened in Episode Two. Oh yeah! And two shots were fired…

*

With everything that had just happened, all my damaged mind could do was wander back to October 9th, 2011. This was the first time I attended a traditional wedding, and I was just 18. I didn’t really know the couple, but my mum did. Why she thought to take me – her dainty, ajebo son – and not the other three girls she had was a mystery to me.

I wasn’t having any fun. The MC was trying too hard and failing, the bride’s makeup was too much to look at, the groom kept on frowning like the marriage was forced on him – and I certainly didn’t want to be reminded of something I may never have because of how I love.

I managed to sneak my Harry Potter novel into the celebration and sat far back so no one (especially Mummy Dearest) would notice me. But my plan must have failed because not more than ten minutes after I settled into my reading, I heard a boyish voice from behind me say, “Is it that boring?”

My spirit literally jumped out of my body in startle. And then, I turned back to look at the intruder. And boy, was I amazed. This guy looked like the definition of PERFECT – his eyes, his nose, his lips… Whoa Mama!

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 2)

Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Jude asks Kevin why he is gay. Kevin doesn’t give Jude an accurate answer, so Jude stops talking to him altogether. Then, Kevin and Jude bump into each other at the mall with their mutual friends, and they all just happen to be about to see the same movie (Uh-Oh). During the movie, Kevin realises he might be in love with Jude. And after the movie, Jude kisses him. Sparks fly. But not for long, because, just then, someone down the aisle screams: “IT’S A LIE!”

And that’s what you missed on Episode One.

*

Two weeks had passed since Samuel bumped into Jude and I kissing in the cinema, and things couldn’t be any more awkward. No, not because Samuel was repulsed by what he witnessed, like a large percentage of the Nigerian population would be, but because he took it well – too well, if I might add.

I didn’t complain. It felt good to have such an open-minded person for a friend. But the problem was, he started having all these questions about how gay people do it, and if Jude and I are an item. And it was all just too much. Plus, I didn’t have the answers to some of his questions, especially the bit about me and Jude being an item; because I didn’t know what Jude wanted for us.