JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 42)

July 4

Last weekend had me hosting the friend of a friend’s friend. He’d come to my town for auditions and needed a place to stay, and I was the most comfortable option for him. He was to stay till Monday morning, and I was fine with that arrangement, especially since he’d feed himself and I’d spend minimally.

He arrived late in the evening with his tinted hair and soft voice. And I was quite friendly towards him as we cracked jokes and stuff. That night, hands roamed and things happened.

He told me the next day that he hadn’t had sex in ages (that explained some things), but that he felt a connection with me and all. And I could tell that he wanted to have another go at it. But I was not interested any longer. I felt bad. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I felt I’d used him to satisfy an immediate desire and now that it had been quenched, I wasn’t interested in touching him anymore, though he did have a cute butt.

Then the rest of the days were a bit trying for me. I live alone. And though sometimes I wish I had a roomie, it feels good to live alone. It appears that social interactions exhaust me. I’ve gone to places where people would be plenty and I’d have so much fun but I’d suddenly feel very mentally tired and grow quiet or go outside for some air.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 41)

June 27

I don’t have too much to say.

I watched Noah’s Arc, the movie, and it put me in my feels. The acting wasn’t superb, but the story was so sweet, and I love how they addressed issues like condom use, gender roles and how it’s linked to gay sex roles, etc.

So I decided to tell an acquaintance who I was chatting with about it. He said he knows about Noah’s Arc, but that he doesn’t watch it. When I asked why, he said the show is too queer.

I felt myself tighten up like a tiger ready to pounce. How dare he call something “too queer”? What does “too queer” even mean? But I told myself to relax. Maybe this was a chance to educate someone.

So I asked him if they portrayed an aspect of homosexuality he found uncomfortable.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 40)

June 20

You know how some people say the dumbest shit and it leaves you feeling so disheartened about the fate of the human race if people like that exist… Well, I’ve experienced it quite lately from different people. Like the girl that knows of my sexuality but still uses it as an insult on guys, even though she swears she accepts me for who I am…or my classmate who was taking panadol for Caitlyn Jenner’s headache…or the guy who thinks a Versatile guy is a closet bottom 99% of the time.

Let’s see… If a person is Bottom and Bottom alone, you could say he’s quite incapable mentally of being Top, and even if he does, he doesn’t enjoy it. A Top would rather not get fucked too, because he wouldn’t enjoy it. He could just think he won’t enjoy it, or he’s tried and tested it and found out he doesn’t like it at all, and then sticks to being Top. Either way, he’s doing what he enjoys the most.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Episode 39)

June 13

I read a book while I was in Secondary school. The name was My Family And Other Animals. I remember picking it up from a bed in my granny’s house. The first few and last few pages were torn but I managed to see the potential in it, especially with the title. And I began to read it and I’m so glad I did because it transported me to a world where even the most ordinary of nature was made to seem like a wonder. The author painted a picturesque world that I imagine in chalk pastels or watercolour images. His use of imagery was so fantastic I just needed to close my eyes to actually be where he was talking about and hear the cicadas chirrup or feel the stifling heat or whatever.

It also awakened something in me – my love for learning how animals behave and observing them in their natural habitats. Growing up, I’d always loved animals. Most animals. Even the ones I feared or detested, I still liked to learn about because they were so fascinating.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 38)

June 6

It’s quite unfortunate that I have to chill till Sunday to say this since Caitlyn Jenner would be a bit of stale news. I’m probably going to sound like a grand douche bag for the next few paragraphs or so, but I feel like I’m correct and nobody has brought up any tangible reason to make me shift my ground.

It started with a tweet I found hilarious and decided to update on my BBM. It went like so: ‘So Caitlyn can transition into a woman, but person no fit bleach…’ or something like that.

I chuckled. Very funny. Then I thought about it. It could be looked at in two ways. This tweet was just an ignorant something the tweep updated to make his followers giggle, or it could actually be pointing out a bit of double standard.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 37)

May 15

Growing up, I think sex was one of the few uncomplicated things I knew. You were Top, Bottom, or Versatile. It really didn’t matter what you liked because it was all fun for the two parties involved, and if done right, both parties would go home quite content and happy with an afterglow. I bottomed quite happily for people because it was fun. I asked a few times if I could top (disrespectful child), and I was refused. Even by the so-called Versatiles. But oh well… I was a young one and they might have felt uncomfortable or something. I however patiently waited for my university days when, at least, I’d find even some of my age mates that we’d get to flip flop and stuff.

University has however shown me that many more unimportant things have come into defining sexual roles, making things unnecessarily complicated. I can’t even state my role comfortably without being told I should be Bottom and not Versatile. It was just some dude I met and maybe, because I wasn’t edgy or hard enough, he thought it meant I should only get it up the ass. I just smiled sheepishly at that. By the time I’m done dealing with him…

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 36)

May 1

So, this Bruce Jenner transformation ish has helped me to delve into the minds of the people I call homophobes, and that of my family, as I find myself staring in the face of rejection.

When I found out some of her kids kept silent on the issue or showed some displeasure, I realised I’d find it a hard pill to swallow if my mum or dad or brothers decided to become Trans. I asked myself why? Why should I find it hard to accept them when I wish they’d find it easier to accept me? I sort of realised my family members changing would also change a whole lot of “truths” I’d held in my mind as to what my family is.

And there was the answer – Change. It’s constant but it can be a hard thing to accept. I however would like to reason that my love for them, my being in their shoes sort of would help me overcome that fear of change and help in accepting them.

I still don’t understand Transgenders and their struggle, but some things are similar, so instead of letting the differences divide us, let’s let the similarities in our struggles unite us.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 35)

April 18

It’s a bit annoying how you mention going out with a friend to have a good time to someone else, and they ask if you guys fucked. And I’m like, ‘No! We didn’t fuck! Yes I have a sex life, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to get into the pants of anything that moves.’ It’s even more annoying when they go along the lines of “But he’s a guy na, and you’re a guy, and he’s gay…” You’ve basically reduced my gay life to being just all about sex.

Some people you just cross the bridge of not having sex and becoming very wonderful friends. Of course, when you’re drunk or something, it might happen. But it’s not part of your plan for your relationship with them. You’re not friends with benefits. You’re just friends. I’ve got people like that, people that are just friends. I might have initially found one or two of them attractive, but as time went on, they just became like brothers (or sisters, Lol) to me.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 34)

April 10

I was listening properly to a song on David Guetta’s ‘Listen’ album. You know how you might hear a song but never really hear it. Well that day, I heard it. The song is Lift Me Up.

We’ve all got our struggles and are just trying to make it home. Some people seem to have their shit figured out, but even then, I’m sure they’ve still got demons to fight. Some people are just better at hiding their demons than others.

I’m often saying how we need to be tolerant of each other, how we need to learn to lift each other up because we are different but still fundamentally the same. It’s beginning to sound like an old tune but I don’t think things can be better with us at each other’s throats, looking for ways to put each other down and undermine our accomplishments and struggles. If you’ve got nothing good to say, then don’t say anything. And if you feel you must point something out, then maybe do it as nicely as possible. Don’t let it seem like the other person didn’t do anything tangible.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 33)

April 3

*searches deep down into soul for something inspirational to write*

*finds out all the soul is thinking about is the big box of chocolates in the freezer*

Hello creatures of KD. I hail all of una… The Queen mother of dragons, the ever controversial Gad, the slightly venomous Max, Pinky the demon who thrives on controversy, my new friend Mitch, everyone else I can’t mention, and the ghosts who show up to read and not say squat for fear of being destroyed by our sharp-tongued brethren. Why don’t y’all take a chance and comment today? Hope y’all had a lovely month-end weekend. Scratch that – can’t bear the thought that your weekends were better than mine, because nobody else deserves to be happy unless I’m happy.

This past weekend has been one heck of a ride, and I was taken back approximately four years ago when on Friday, my mum asked me the question again: “Are you still gay?”

I knew she knew the answer, so I didn’t bother lying. She then said she wanted me to go see a pastor. She said he’s a man of God gifted with prayers and etc. I agreed. Last time something like this was brought up, I disagreed. This time however, I agreed because I’m supposed to honour my parents.