So this thought has been lingering on my mind for a while now, and it got triggered again when I saw a missed call a few nights ago. The missed call was from a really close family friend. He’s like a brother from another mother. This was a very small thing that got me thinking, not for the first time – what does this dude really want? Does he like me? Does he like me like me? Or is all this perseverance to remain close a result of the fact that both our families have been really beneficial to each other over the years?
Even though our families were close, me and him – we never really became close till very recently. We schooled in different states – different countries at some point – and then, there was the hustle to become independent. It was only after we sort of got settled in our individual lives that we reunited and got really close, despite the fact that we don’t live in the same city. But anytime I visit Abuja, I stay at his place, and he always ensured I had memorable visits; always such an attentive, generous host to me.
At some point during all this, I began to develop feelings for him. But his heterosexuality is always so apparent. There are always the talks and pictures he shows me of the girls he dates at each time, and the details of his sexcapades he tells me, without my asking. And then, he’d always segue into questions about my own girlfriends, and I’d always find a way to change the topic. Sometimes, when he’s driving and I’m in the car alone with him, we are gisting, he’d always lazily reach out his hand to touch and rub my thigh. Whether it’s a conscious or unconscious move, I can never tell. I however have to bear the awkwardness of the situation.
And with the awkwardness I feel comes resentment at him for being responsible for all these clashing feelings I’m battling with. The resentment also throws me back into the past, as I recall how, over the years, I’ve unwittingly pushed away so many good (straight) friends I grew up with, who I gradually grew to realize existed apart from me with a huge divide between us. I am gay. They are straight. I want to talk about boys. They want to talk about girls. I love fashion. They love football. I want to point out what I saw on E!. They want to know what’s happening on ESPN. I just want to laugh and gist and be happy and bitchy. But I can’t be myself with them.
And so, I let go of these friendships. The burden of carrying on a false persona was simply too much for me. But they wouldn’t let go. They kept in touch frequently, called, texted – all even though I never made the effort to stay in touch.
It was all so exhausting.
And this guy – this family friend cum sexual interest – is present in my life, reawakening all that inner turmoil, making me exhausted all over again.
And so, I have questions. How do I endure this? Should I even endure or simply cut him out of my life? If I have to remain friends with him, how do I handle all these situations he keeps up when he talks about girlfriends and pussy? Do I risk the end of our friendship by telling him who I really am? Do I remain hidden behind the veils, or should I pull the blinds apart and show him who I really am?
Submitted by Posh6666