THE CALL

o-CELLPHONE-EAR-facebookRecently, I got the call.

I just don’t mean any phone call. This was the call from mummy dearest. It was the one call that most gay men dread; the call that comes from some member of the family, when they want to bring up the issue of the big M.

One of my cousins got married recently and he is about the same age as me. I did not attend because I have started skipping all extended family related events, so that when the pressure starts, I shall only have immediate family to deal with. I have also started drawing lines with immediate family, but that’s story for another day.

Anyway, so mummy dearest called me and the following conversation ensued:

Mummy Dearest: Did you hear of Ifeanyi’s (not real name) wedding? Nna, you did not come…

ME: Yes, I had an exam that day, I could not make it. (Big lie, I was with Mrs. Macaulay)

MD: The weather is so hot these days, my car AC is not working. So driving under the sun is hard. Your sister’s kids are growing really fast…

Let me tell you something about my mom; if there is an “elephant in the room” that she wants to discuss, she will keep running round the matter in circles, not knowing how to approach it until you help her bring it up. On that day however, I decided that two can play that game, as I already knew where she was headed. So I determinedly let the lead be hers to take.

Finally…

MD: Nwa m, let me just say what’s on my mind. (GBAM) You know you and Ifeanyi are age mates. His wedding sef, it was his family who rallied round to make it happen for him. You are better off financially than he is, and I can also rally your sisters and brothers, and we can help you bear the cost of your wedding. Think about it, oh nna m.

ME: Yes mummy, I will think about it.

MD: There is this nurse sef that I know, very pretty and well behaved, she is a BSc nurse sef –

ME: (Cutting in) Mummy, I have to check what I am cooking. (Another big lie, I don’t cook) I will call you back tonight. (The third lie)

MD: Ngwa, I will wait for your call, but think about what I just said.

After I hung up, my heart was heavy. The dreaded call had finally come and the pressure would build from here. I sat to ponder what my options were going forward, and I came up with a few scenarios.

  1. Pack up and fun, just like my dear Khaleesi says; flee to somewhere far away. I however love Nigeria and, in a weird way, I still feel a strong connection to Nigeria. So NO, this may not be the option for me.
  2. Live the lie, marry the pretty BSc nurse and do the white picket fence with 2.5 kids. However she would be miserable and I would be miserable. My misery would spiral into depression, and seeing as I am dangerous when I am depressed, I would wake up one night and kill my wife. I will then go to jail for capital murder and my 2.5 kids will grow up without parents. Nuh-uh!
  3. Marry a lesbian. I do know a few of them whom I can play the happy couple script with. The only problem would be that it would be a lie, and I would become the guy who allowed other people write his own script. No, I have listened too much to Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’ to do this.
  4. Get a paid mistress who would have kids for me – as one of my friends recently did – and have a bit of validation from friends and family. This would have been great, if not for the fact that I don’t want any kids of my own. So NO to this option as well.

What then am I left with? Single at 40? Living with my three dogs and two cats? The pressure would be crazy.

So I have decided that I will come out to my family. Not today. Not anytime soon. But sometime in the future, I will sit down with them and let them know. I will tell the truth and get them off my back. And if they decide to stay with #TeamDennis, then it’s fine. But if they decide to walk away, it’s fine too. They won’t be missed.

This will be my journey. Everyone should chart theirs.

Written by Dennis Macaulay

64 thoughts on “THE CALL

  1. Omg…this is just my life story… Pressure has been on me ever since I was young..#OnlySon….. Its crazy and it’s getting worse these days… Before I don’t argue with them.. I just reply politely on the phone…But these days I’m beginning to hint it out to them.. I’m planning on doing number 4…but Not before coming out… I think coming out is the only way to get them off my back..But just like you said, its not for today ..
    I’ve always been my own man…not letting anyone push me around or dictate how I live my life… Every scenario you outlined is 100% true…I’ve played it out in my mind several times… Each one of them doesn’t end well for both of us(me and the mysterious wife)… Only no 4 seems to work…

    You’re not alone..

  2. That number 4 has been on my mind ever since.
    I really wanna have children but marriage?! No way. Even if I wasn’t gay, I don’t think I’m cut out for marriage. I think this is one fact I’ve known right from when I was little.

    • Exactly how I feel. Marriage tho. I was telling a friend recently… Me not wanting to get married has nothing to do with my sexuality. I’m just not cut out for having someone yoked to my side for eternity. I would get stifled. I would constantly be irritated. I would feel my personal space getting violated, and knowing that it is expected. So man or woman, marriage just isn’t for me.
      As for what I’d do? I have no frigging idea! And i’ve already gotten the call, not just from mummy dearest. But from grandmama, this uncle, that aunt. My father tap-dances around the issue.

      • Pinky u spoke my mind perfctly.
        I tot I was alone like ds
        I cnt stand pple 4 too long
        A frend visits n by day 3 I’m tayad
        Evn @ home evry1 knows I shuld b left alone wen I’m alone cos if I want to play I come out n b wit evry1
        I run to my space often n ds has started to worry my mum-she kips askin hw wuld u cope wen u get married ( if only she knew)
        Its nt abt sexuality. Its hw I’m wired
        So sharing my life wit som1 4life wuld tk d life away from me faster n I’d b dead.
        Sexuality aside,marriage isn’t my tin
        Nt to talk of all I read ds days
        N marrying a man- mbanu I no do too

    • And I thought I was the only one.
      Not wanting to get married has nothing to do with my sexuality, I just get tired of people real quick. There are very few people I can stand living in close proximity with over a period of time, but for eternity??? I just cant imagine liking someone that much.
      My friends say its cuz I am a snub, but its just the way I am wired.
      Now kids…i love kids. And while I have always jokingly told my siblings that I have no intention to get married, I always speak about my love of kids. My little brother then asked me how would you get children if you dont marry and I said, why do I have to be a husband in order to be a father??

      • I see a subtle and unconscious promotion of life bacherlorhood. Its dangerous ooo.well, let me add a number 5.guys can consider going into priesthood in d roman catholic church.its a perfect escape route.pls this is on a lighter note!

  3. This is so not a funny matter at all,
    My day is coming … kitodiaries have successfully spoilt my today.

    Seems I’d have to take the same option as the author… they had better be ready for multiple coronaries.
    Option 1: no matter where I run to, my family would find me and hunt me down.
    Options 2 & 3: I might end up taking my life, if I’m unhappy.
    Option 4: don’t yet know how I feel about kids… if it’s anything close to how I feel towards dogs… maybe I’d consider one eventually.

    #musings

  4. Hmm. I’ve been asked by the straight/bent ones who know, “Aren’t you going to get married?” I respond, “Let that time come.” And I know it’ll come. (Hmm. Too old for the seminary?)

  5. I will try as much as I can not to say my thoughts on this issue cos it might be misconstrue as being insensitive to the plight and feelings of my brothers but I can’t hide my shock that at the discovery that people who don’t like kids exists amongs us. I have always believed that love 4 kids is one characteristic of gays.talk about stereotypes.

    • I adore kids
      I want dem
      If I cnt get a baby mama I’d adopt
      As to comin out I dnt hv enof money yet to bury my mum(evn if I did)
      So we’d keep pushin d mata till dey finally get d memo
      D sad part of mine isn’t evn my mum bt my aunts and uncles
      Dem go try find chair sitdown o
      Wit good ba3,powerpack charger n evn newspaper coz d wait is gonna b a long 1

  6. They won’t be missed? With the way you and your mom spoke on the phone and you say they won’t be missed?
    Apparently you’re not close to your family. I ain’t saying this as an excuse though for you not to come out, by all means do, you’ll feel more relieved.
    My only qualms is with the whole not missing family part. Give it serious thought and if you really feel you won’t miss them, won’t care about them at all then go ahead.

  7. Hopefully I won’t get that call till I’m 35 which still gives me at least 13 more years. seeing that guys in my family have a record of late marriage, (except my dad. he went and got himself married at 23) I will be considered a chip off the old block.

  8. Lmao….. U aint alright Dennis. There is nothing wrong in marriage.. This will be a nice time to test the strength of Mrs Macaulay’s womanhood..

  9. This topic is depressing to me…whenever I think about “The Call”, my spirit just comes tumbling down *sigh*…I don’t know how much more scheming and manipulation and Jedi Mind-tricks I can execute b4 I start getting some major *side-eye*. For now,it kinda helps that my mommah is secretly reluctant to let go of her ‘little boy’: ( “…that girl is too stubborn…she doesn’t seem intelligent to me o…that one doesn’t seem hard-working…this one will give u much trouble in future;I can see it in her eyes…” ) hehehe; but eventually,d pressure will get to her. Dad just sha wants to answer “Father of the groom”.

  10. I love me life. I love companionship I’m a sucker for cuddling and merging of.minds. I’d rather settle by saying I’d marry. N yes to a girl. N yes 2016. I’m sorry but I want kids and a mum for my kids. Just saying. My 2 cents. Imagine if u didn’t have a mum

  11. My call came, I answered, I spoke my mind…which was, Mom & Dad would you be nice to let me walk this road a step at a time…I’ve got to think this whole marriage ish through. You’ve got Emeka, groom him to bring you all the grand children you so desire…I’m done with this conversation.

    #Don’t_Know_if_I_still_need_any_further_coming-out

    I’ll have a child, if not children, but in my terms; I love them smart kids…I’m sure mine would be no less.

  12. I’m only 19 and the pressure of ‘The Call’ isn’t even near my threshold, but I do empathise with all of you brave men. I’ve told my older brother I don’t want to get married(I do not believe in the concept of finding “that one” person to give the rest of your life to, no). I do however, want kids. My kids, surrogacy or whatever, but my sperm must fertilise that egg, and they must be biracial :D. I will come out to them, once I stop living under ‘Mummy Dearest’s’ roof. And, to the nigga that asked what/where you’d be without your mom, my daughter will have an answer for you -someday.

  13. Hmmn! Ewooooooo! Chimoooooo! The dreaded marriage question *stifle a tear nd retouchS eyeshadow*! I actually told my mum dat I don’t want to get married ND dat even if I did, I’d b 35yrs OR MORE! U guys needed to see her reaction, SHE FREAKED! She was like “even if u don’t have d money, we wud do everything 4 u, even get u a wife” bla bla bla! I quickly brought up d excuses of wanting to achieve some life goals b4 settling DOWN but She was like I cud still achieve them in marriage nd gave d quote of “he who findeth a wife finds a good thing”! If only she knew dat if I found a good thing in d wife, d wife wud definitely find misery in me! I CAN’T EVEN GET MY SCHLONG TO TWITCH WIT A WOMAN NOT TO TALK OF HAVING D SEX! Truth b told, I want to get married someday(to a woman)! I already even have d plans 4 everything, my proposal song(In your eyes by Peter Gabriel), a lovely wedding, a rendition of “still” by Liquideep to her during our reception, our song would b “Just another day” by Jon Secada, we would honeymoon in d Maldives, have 4 kids dat I would so decorate Kim K would pay 2 learn 4rm me! My wife wud b d center of all attention cos she wud b so beautiful! Awwwwwwwww………. Fantasizing won’t kill me oh! Feeling so down now because I don’t rilli see all these coming to pass! *batting eyelashes nd looking so lovey dovey* Can I get a hug from King or Dennis plsssssssssss? Life is so not fair *weeping nd wailing*!

  14. I am 19 and just had my convocation. During the convocation, my anty jokingly asked me that when they( the family) were getting introduced to my girlfriend. A little part of my heart broke then and there. Because I knew it will only end in tears. Either Mine or theirs.

  15. Postponing the evil day. Oh, well.

    I think if you are very reluctant to let go of this piece of shit called Nigeria (ok don’t get me wrong. I too love 9ja) you should be even more reluctant to let go of your dearest Nne and the rest of the fam.
    This matter is too complex Dennis, you can’t afford to make mistakes here.
    How about telling them point blank you don’t want to get married, and then insist on it? Tell them that and watch their reaction.

    In my experience of coming out to straight friends,and from the literature I’ve read on coming out issues, I’ve come to realize that coming out is not a one time event. Even where they accept you for who you are, you still have to keep explaining to these people the intricacies of what it means to be gay. So there’s nothing like :
    ” I will tell the truth
    and get them off my back.”
    Sorry it doesn’t work that way bro . you’ll spend almost a life time explaining.

    I cringe at my lengthy and boring response above. Damn!

  16. oh my beloved Dennis, ***looks around for Mrs M***, you’re so brave, but am so afraid for you. Truth is, this society does not take kindly to non-conformity, this society has a well known record of taking the brave and chewing and grinding them to a bloody mess and spitting their broken remains out, yes! this society is that vicious! I have often thought about the big marriage question, especially the older I get. it seems these days once I open facebook, someone I grew up with is having a trad wedding or church wedding or celebrating the birth of a baby. I wont lie, its depressing and unsettling. I can see the next few years clearly and it doesnt look like a pretty sight to behold. I have also started to create a gulf between my extended relatives and I – uncles and aunts I used to be so close to, they keep asking how I changed from my previously loving/caring self. in fact, one of them had a new baby over 4months ago & I never knew – that was how wide the gulf had become, anywayz, I feel in my subconscious that I need to create this gulf as their attempts at hooking me up with ‘suitable girls’ are deeply irritating as well as unnerving.
    I don’t know when/if/how I shall come out to my parents (they are the only ones to whom I owe any form of explanation), but I do know that any attempt at taking the easy way out : finding a woman and attempting to deceive her into a fake marriage can only end in tragedy with shrapnel flying in all directions. I am one of those persons for whom deceit abd pretence are very tough pills to swallow. I dont overly love kids (abeg their screaming and wahala and endless energy gets too much sometimes) but as a friend once told me: you’ve got good genes, it would be a terrible waste not to pass them on to the next generation … I would like to have a kid or two but as for a wife, I honestly dont see what I neee her for. My best options are No1 or No4, I like Nigeria despite how annoying she can get, the energy and potential here is hard to replicate elsewhere, but you only have one life to live, what is the essence of life if you cant find a bit of happiness for yourself amidst all the misery and chaos that are already a part of life?
    @Dennis, am so afraid, but your single hot 50yr old with his cats and dogs would before his 45th birthday have become a depresses suicidal recluse followed everywhere he goes by scorn and derision from the society. my advice to us all: RUN!!!!

    • Khaleesi has written thesis

      *fetches glasses to read*

      I think @ the end of the day, you just write your own script. I will not run, nobody will make me abandon everything I planned because of what they believe. So no thankyou very much, I will stay.

      I will come out to my parents, I owe them the truth. That will decide the way going forward for us!

  17. *snuggled up in King’s big nd strong arm* Awwwwwwwww! King is such a darling! I don’t mind giving it to u now! *In Rick Dee’s voice* Get it King! Get it baby! Lol!
    But on a more serious note, my getting there wud sum up 2:
    1. Dying early or commiting suicide
    2. Running away 4rm naija nd never b found!
    If none of these happens, then I see myself being miserably married away to a lady!
    *Wailing* Y me ooooooooo!

  18. I’m already telling Mum and everybody that I’m not getting married. Mum doesn’t think it’s a problem, but I think she believes I’m just too young and too idealistic, and will soon ‘grow up’ and ‘come to my senses.’ But better they get the clues now. Anyway, I’ll do four (or better still adopt), not because I want validation, but because I really want to be a dad; for me, it’s a beautiful thing. And one day I’ll come out, not just to my family. I’m sure. I just need to live up to thirty.

  19. Right now i am so glad I’m not igbo or hausa. For these tribes, as an only child at 22 yrs, i guess i am about ripe for marriage. My parents dont even bother with those things. My mother keeps telling me not to impregnate any girl and to keep myself until marriage *if only she knew* but where girls are concerned i am actually ‘keeping’ my self. Even though she lives in the UK i doubt she’d ever accept my being gay if i decided to come out. and my father would totally cast and bind if he knew.
    I dont really mind trying sex with girls though, just get me aroused and i guess i can follow through. Thing is i don’t know how emotionally involved i wanna get with girls.
    As for kids, i love them. I wanna have an ‘illegitimate’ child like right now. A girl really. I have straight friends who have children and even though i know it can be difficult and crazy i want my own child.

  20. The dreaded question. Hmmmmn. It’s not just coming out to family and friends, it’s a whole long process. I love girls and pussy (YES) but like 0.00000001% of them and I will so love to get married to one very soon. Kids..OMG! I love them die and just can’t wait to have one, watch him or her grow, support him/her to the extent that one day my child will be great and say my biggest supporter/inspiration/role model and best friend is my dad! Gohd knows I want to hear that someday. But then marriage I swear I’m not sure if I wanted one or not but then in my life iv never been sure if I would love most things and major decisions like career, education etc so I guess I will give it a try. If e no work abeg separation or divorce biko. In the mean time. I wanna get this my current gf pregnant, no condom for now except for them Boyz cake. Rocking my bisexuality like it’s golden!

  21. I’d like to correct Mr infamous diaries. It’s derogatory to call me a nigga. Plus imagine what u would have been without ur dad’s wife. Maybe getting groomed by grannie like pinkie or aunts like them calabar boiz. Just saying. Marriage check kids check and be the best I can be check. Thanks king ur showing the way. How’s dem kids

    • Derogatory? Only if ‘you’ feel so, and/or if you are not of colour… And, the name’s Ken. Honestly, trying to be snooty? Really? This early in the morn? *sigh* some people… Maybe I’ll return to the observing sidelines where you don’t get replied like you called someone a ‘fag’, when all you said was ‘nigga’ to a black man. *enters hibernation mode and sleeps angst away*

  22. Dennis, dont tell them about your sexuality. Just tell them you wont get married. Believe me, the moment you do, that would be the only thing about you in the eyes of family. And the WONT leave you alone, thats for sure.

  23. It’s a sad and depressing situation. I can relate with people who commit suicide over such.

    It’s not easy turning your back on family and causing so much hurt to those who love you. One may want to do the it’s-my-life thing, but in the end some people are a part our life and our decisions should be considerate of them.

  24. I feel you alone know how bad your family would take the news of your coming out. I’d suggest you try out marriage with the nurse*swallows hard*. Its doomed to crash definitely. Whether you want kids or not is left for you to decide. I feel its better to go through a failed marriage than no marriage at all as a nigerian gay man. Some questions are best left unanswered.

  25. Oh wow! Dennis man, I wish you the best. It’s not the easiest thing to do, but of it will secureyour peace of mind….it may just be worth it

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