RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 7)

Blog_Rantings Of A Random (GAY) NigerianI had a really long day and I just wanted to get home and pass out. The demon that is Port Harcourt traffic had other plans for me, as nearly all my access routes were locked down and I was stuck. My mom still hadn’t called me, so I supposed the idiotic cousin has not said anything to her, and I was happy I didn’t have to deal with that drama at the moment. I just pulled into Ada George Road, singing along to Mikka’s Love You When I’m Drunk, when my phone beeped. And it was my uncle – yes, the father to the idiotic cousin. I increased the volume of my music, and then answered the call.

Me: Good evening, sir.

Nosy Uncle: Good evening, my dear, how are you?

Me: I am fine, thank you.

NU: Where you are? It is quite noisy.

Me: *increasing the volume again* Yes, it’s quite noisy here. Can I call you later, sir?

NU: NO! (As if he knew I had no such plan) I want to see you in Onitsha this weekend! (He was shouting over the music)

Me: I take classes during the weekends, so it may not be possible. (Big lie. All my classes are virtual; I can take them anytime)

NU: So when will you make it?

Me: I really can’t say now, but I will work out something and call you. (Right!)

NU: I heard from your brother, he told me everything. You are still my son and I know it’s youthful exuberance that has driven you into the devil’s trap. You must find your way back to the Lord, you were an altar boy, and you taught catechism –

Me: *cutting in* I don’t know what your son told you, sir, and if you believe him, well, good for you, because whatever impression you people have about me doesn’t concern me. (My voice was rising at this point). But you don’t call me and order me around, I am not a kid.

NU: You don’t have respect.

Me: *struggles to keep calm* You have disrespected me too and I am an adult. Look, uncle, TIMARIV is in front of me (another lie) they will book me for talking on the cell phone. I will call you later.

And I hung up. I have no intention of ever speaking to him on the phone again.

Well, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it now? If they call my mom and tell her, I will not lie to her. I will just refrain from giving a response. Nigerian families do take a lot of things for granted. Mstchew!

Now the other day I was chatting up with an old friend from my then-church, who was trying to get me to turn from my backsliding ways. We started talking about faith and religion, and she started telling me how I needed safety and security that being in tune with God provides. I disagreed, telling her that horrible things still happen every day to people who love God and go to church. I cited an example with Bimbo Odukoya (who I totally loved) and Myles Monroe, and she did not have anything to say. Then I mentioned another member of our church back then who was so committed and genuine (at least it seemed so to me) in his passion for God, but later died in an accident (so I was told). She looked at me as if she was struggling to say something, hesitated a bit, and then said it.

Her: Did you know Brother Henry (not real name) very well?

Me: No, why?

Her: Did you know he was HIV positive?

Me: *mouth dropping open* I was not aware.

Her: Well, he was positive and on ART, but suddenly stopped taking his meds. He started taking Rhapsody of Realities (a daily devotional) instead, believing that God would heal him. His immunity dropped considerably and he succumbed to common cold.

This shocked me to my marrow, even as I remembered the case of a woman who was childless for many years and a fertility specialist began managing her case. She conceived eventually after eight years of marriage, but when it was time to deliver, her cervix would not dilate. Her Ob/Gyn decided to operate and this woman refused to have the surgery, claiming that God promised in the bible that she would deliver like the Hebrew women. She lost the baby right there in her, and she still had to have a surgery to evacuate the fetus. The doctor went on to ban her from his clinic for throwing away all the work he had done over the years.

This is my problem with religion, which is why the phrase “opium of the masses” is fitting, because the people become high on this opium and lose the ability to reason logically.

I have said here before that I hate men who kiss and tell; if we do something in the bedroom, the gory details should remain right there in the bedroom. However some people go as far and lying about things that did not happen, maybe to have bragging rights or to malign you. This is very common amongst gay men and it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I was on my own the other day watching a movie, and my friend pinged me “Man whore”, and I responded with “What have I done again this time?” It turned out he was drinking with some friends and I came up somehow, and one of the guys started going on and on about how well he ‘knows’ me. I hate being objectified but I was like, “Yea right whatever, I am a single man and I have sex, deal.” Then I asked him to show me a photo of the guy, and I did not recognize the man in the photo, which was strange because I may forget a name, but I will NEVER forget a face.

I was upset and I headed out to the bar where they were. And when I got there, the lying jerk started stuttering, as he did not know I was going to come there. I am friends with someone he knows so he went ahead to make up stories about us being lovers and all. After exposing his trickery, I told him that it was not cool to tell lies about people. He was so embarrassed that he did not say a word again until he left.

One of my best friends is a straight man and he is married with a son whom they gave me the honor of being his godparent. Anyway his wife has been in and out of town, busy with law school, so he is mostly alone with the child. But this week, he had to go to Lagos for a work thing. He came over to my house and was going on and on about not knowing who will watch the boy. You know when someone is lamenting to your hearing about a problem you can solve without actually asking you to help? That was what he was doing. I felt manipulated but I still offered to keep the boy for the weekend.

I was petrified as hell as I generally like kids only in small doses and not for long periods of time. But hey, this is what friendship is about, right? And yes, I realize I am usually selfish, so this one time I conceded. I dropped off my friend at the airport and came home with the little boy, and after one weekend crash course in Parenting 101, here is what I have learnt about kids.

  1. They ask a whole lot of questions: Uncle D, how does the light come on… Uncle D, where does the water come from… How did the people in the TV enter there… I must have answered three million questions during that weekend. I hail parents who do this every day.
  2. Their attention span is so fickle that it is annoying. One minute he wants to play with a book, the next minute your shoes, and then he wants you to take down a painting for him, and next thing he wants to climb the glass table. This is exhausting.
  3. I want indomie! You make indomie for him and after a few spoons + a messy floor, he suddenly wants cornflakes, which also goes the way of the noodles, and then bread etc…*sigh*
  4. They go through like 20 clothes in one day, as they always get dirty. Good luck if you don’t have a washing machine.
  5. Keep all mobile phones, tablets and remote controls way out of reach.

It was a fun experience for me even though finding ways to entertain a child is the hardest thing ever; he taught me to be patient, which honestly is a virtue that I really need.

His dad returned on Sunday and came to get him, and why we were leaning on his car chatting, I asked him why he was not calling hourly to check on us. He looked at me for like 30 seconds and then said:

I have confidence in your abilities and I was not worried one bit as I knew he was in good hands. Even though you have convinced yourself otherwise, Dennis, I know you will make a great dad. I totally support and endorse your decision not to marry, but please I beg you with anything you hold dear, do not close the door on kids. I don’t want you to look back at your life at 60 and regret not making that choice.

I promised him I would give it some thought and we can debate it later. And just as I said goodbye and turned to enter inside, the little boy came running toward me and gave me the tightest hug ever, and my heart just melted.

XOXO

OAN: I (finally) started watching How To Get Away With Murder and Empire, plus I also have started updating my viewing of Scandal. *carefully irons LASTMA jacket, folds it neatly and ships it via FEDEX to Chestnut*

117 thoughts on “RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 7)

  1. Nice one, D.
    I’m always a victim of this kiss-and-tell ish.
    And d saddest part is that I neither know nor have met the story teller.
    Thank God I don’t have nosy relatives ( can I hear an Amen, somebody.!)

    • I’ve learned not to give myself a headache about it…. people talk about you because they have nothing better to do. Just rise above it all…..although I like that you went straight to the bar to put the fucktard in his place.

  2. Very nice. I say AMEN to not having a nosy relative.
    ‘ Uncle D, how does the light come on… Uncle D, where does the water come from… How did the
    people in the TV enter there…’ Reminds me of this really cute pomo rice ad, where the cute boy asks, “mummy, why is the sky blue? mummy, why don’t you go to school? (sees a pregnant woman) mummy, why is her stomach so big?. Lawd, i just love children.

  3. It’s safe to say that these extreme religious beliefs/practices are often based on the mind-sets of individuals. Some are overly sanctimonious… It’s there own faith and foolishness… Hey. The bible says faith without work is what again? (Wonder is Brian was at STACC on Sunday)

    Lily them. *sigh.

    Ok.

    Wait. *coughs* Alter boy. Catechism teacher. *coughs*

  4. About the kid stuff,I’m really trying hard not to pat myself on the back and say “I told you so”.
    Greatest gift ever to come man’s way,children.

  5. #TeamKizito and Brian Collins I am watching you two closely. I am getting this vibe like something is going on between you two, I dont know what exactly but I feel it

  6. The kiss and tell in my mind is worse with guys that move in cliques.

    Ran into a group of eight gay men last month in a mall. Since I knew one of them, I went over to say hi and got introduced to the others.

    Although I’d put their age bracket between 28 and 35, I still couldn’t help the feeling I was discussed for a few minutes after I left and wondered how it would have gone if I’d slept with any of them before.

    If I might ask, is it ok to gave eight gay guys of that age hanging out in public? Three or four seems more manageable in my mind o! But eight??!!

  7. @Dennis, I will join the team that’s asking you to give the kids thing some thought and make it happen. You can start with one and maybe end up with two.

    Personally, considering adopting my first baby at age 35 and the second baby 5 years later. #optimistic

  8. Lol @Dennis, so that was the Lil boi I saw on ur dp.
    Does that mean there’s a baby somewhere in the future?
    Oh and as for your uncle( almost forgot about him) , pay no attention to him. Just sit back, relax and do nothing.

    • Lol! He turned my house upside down! I am still missing a remote control, I will have to move around furniture later today to search for it!

  9. DM shey you know you can like to give yourself high BP sometimes. Ok I get it that it’s not your uncle’s business and that your amebo cousin just had to tell someone, and luckily his dad was available for the latest gossip.

    But in hindsight, if you’d diplomatically told your uncle to go to hell, I swear to you he’d be looking forward to the trip and you’d have saved yourself the stress of looking forward to the call from mummy dearest. Yes he knew you won’t come to onitsha but still, a bit of diplomacy while handling that call would have gone a long way. Atleast that’s how I see it. Worse case scenario he and his son would just shake their head and call you a stubborn child that doesn’t listen to advice. But you can be certain mummy dearest won’t be calling anytime soon on the said subject matter.

    BP PILLS ARE NOT CHEAP!!!! Save yourself some stress mbok.

    OAN: I am still saving a spot for you and the future Macaulay brood at my place for weekend playdates and BBQ in the suburbs. We talked about this last year and you said you’d only come for the BBQ and not play dates. Now that a window has opened play dates will definitely happen lol

  10. Soooo, Dennis, this is the Satanic trick that u want to use so you wee not tell of ur exploits here abi???
    Anyway, I still trust u my son. You will not disappoint me.

  11. Dont tell me u r olredi considering having kids after ur whole serious stance n determination of never seeing d fruit of ur womb!

  12. Okay I just told my friend that I will think about it just to get him off my back. Really guys its not happening! Jarch no play dates sorry!

  13. People turn down volumes to answer calls but you do the opposite. Ogbanje on my mind. If I were you,i will use the opportunity of the uncle,s call to convince him of his sons folly and stupidity. I will suggest questions that he should ask his son. Anyway, that’s why we are different. You thought catechism?#strugglestoholdlaughter#. The way guys rushes out these days without prior plan/notice amazes me. Is fuel that cheap? The other day Pinky friend rushed out to meet someone who buzzed him from the blues and almost rushed into the hands of “criminals”. Now,you cut short your relaxation to go and prove a point at a bar. Could it be that Chizzie was right about joblessness? Lol. Religion(christianity) doesn’t produce foolish men but fanaticism/extremism does. Its a matter what one does with the tools @ his disposal. Kids are wonderful. God’s heritage. Impetuous. You were unlucky that the boy didn’t use you as a live-toy. My kids would have ordered you to position like a horse,climb on your back and order you to move. Its fun. That hug summarises the hearts of children. They know when love is shown and they don’t fail to register their appreciation. Good outing DM. The best so far.

    • Lmaoo…. Ogbanje on my mind…. Gad is on a roll today.
      But Gad what would you do when there are constant false rumors about you flying everywhere. People using your name to score cheap social (slutty) points, sometimes it’s best to put an end to such madness. Yes I agree with your point of view that he should have paid them no mind. But you and I are both aware that our gay sphere is very harsh and before you know it you’re a celeb for reasons you’d never want to be associated with.

    • Gad is learning how to throw subtle shades and sarcasm. Nice
      Who said you can’t learn how to use left hand at old age… **an Igbo adage comes to mind**

    • Gad for the first time you really made me laugh, ogbanje? Seriously? Lol! Anyway I am possesed by a demon na have you forgotten?

      Joblessness? Hian* You don start this morning oooo! Lol

      The boy tried to ride one of the dogs as a horse and the dog (diva that she is) simply refused. It was so funny to watch

      Convincing my uncle will be denying and lying to myself. Gad I am too old to tell lies about my sexuality. Even if i cannot own up to it, I will not lie. I would rather not say

      • I’m not suggesting you should lie. If I were you, I will feign ignorance of what my uncle was talking about until he is forced to tell me all his son had told him. I will narrate my encounter with the son to him and tell him to ask his son if I had lied. I will go further to now ask him to tell me what’s his own deduction from the encounter. With this he will feel ashamed for choosing to waste his credit. I will tell him to ask his son to tell him why he made the allegations he made. I will also ask my uncle what he will do to a cousin who accuses him without an iota of proof.

  14. Dennis,I told u 28 years was too young to decide never to have kids; and that was just few weeks ago.Just like I told u that day, I will ask u again in 5 year’s time.

    It’s bad a enuff wen guys kiss and tell, but wen they DON’T kiss but still go ahead and tell (lies)…smh. Is it a portharcourt thing? My friend and I went to an event sometime ago, a large gathering of ppl. He pointed at a dude standing far away from us,and said the boy came from ph.they were acquaintances and the guy had once told him we had had sex! Even told him where I live (and he knew my correct address!). I kept looking at d face, I swear the name and face were completely foreign to me; and I NEVER forget the face of someone I’ve had sed with. I had never even met this dude anywhere,whether online or in real-life! When the…”Charlatan” *ahem* noticed I was with looking at him curiously,he slipped away into the crowd and disappeared…FOREVER.

  15. Much as dis opinion maybe unpopular- Dude u were very rude to ur uncle!
    Yeah we all agree he has no right over ur choices and life
    But there’d hv bin a more subtle and diplomatic way to play it out.
    Maybe u acted spontaneously or out of anger bt I’d tink next time u may jst wanna b calm abt ds tins with family.
    Let dem say wat dey want,U listen n make ur own decisions n @ d end of d day U r still @ peace with evry1.

  16. I told you never to say never Dennis,.i can understand not wanting a wife (i truly dont want one either) but kids are a different kettle of fish and as a friend of mine always says to me “you’ve got awesome genes and you’ve got to pass them on – the world would be a much poorer place without such awesomeness”
    I think you’re better off ignoring your homophobic jerk of a cousin and his Dad, just do you and keep being you …
    Wont waste a lot of my finger power on religion and the idiocy it drags in with it in this part of the world. Its a major driver of the intellectual indolence and intolerance that exists in this corner of the globe, after all its far easier to ascribe all to thr divine rather than roll up your sleeves, put on your thinking caps and get to work like all advanced corners of the globe do and like we MUST do if we are to have any hope of emerging from our current dark corner …

  17. This was wow, I totally relate with the kids one minute here and another there . Reminds me of when I was in benin and my cousin came over with her two sons, then left with my sister oh Lord I actually cried cos I was trying to catch some sleep to make up for night studying I did, one minute they on the tv, another they ontop of the freezer and I cried when I saw one ontop our table gas cooker. You got me at that point where the kid came hugging*wipes tears*maybe you would just adopt, told my mum that one day and she didn’t talk to me for two days!

  18. I’m not pro- Christian/ religion or anything but its only common sense to not sum up an entire set of ppl based on the actions of a handful of others from the same set, it becomes a fallacy, one of hasty generalization as I was thought in school, and I’m not going to argue abt how the HIV story was arrant nonsense and an insult to ppl with the virus or how much of your rambling is reminiscent of milk – maid folk gossip which seeing as u r a full grown man is in ways pathetic

    But ive just come to realize that my irritation towards u and all things related to u its on a subconscious level, and is so in-depth that whatever u do will always come across as irritating to me. And the fact that I have finally figured out who u are and what you look like doesn’t help matters either. Anyways continue to keep folks here entertained with ur imagination and delusionals…but try your hardest not to feel “fly”, cause you so aren’t! You aren’t

    • There. You’ve gotten it out of your system finally – You just don’t like Dennis. Something the rest of the world figured out in 2014.
      Now can we worry about world peace and poverty, without worrying about thebullets you keep zinging him with? Because tthere’s something pathetic about constantly being on the case of someone you don’t like…
      Almost like you need him to notice that you exist…
      Almost like you need him to stay relevant. #justsaying *returning to my HIV infested shanty*

      • need him to notice? indeed, like he’s some adonis who’s attention I’m vying to get. He irritates me cus he’s fake… and trying soo hard to be perceived as cool and relevant when in reality he is far from anything he tries to portray here and this I know as fact. aiit so run along to that HIV shanty of urs and stay there.

    • Wait! Why does it look like everyone is now knowing each other’s identity, is it the BBM group? Even though I don’t totally understand that bit chizzie made about HIV, I don’t think he should retract. We all know Chizzie by now.

    • I was wondering when you were gonna show up. I thought maybe you had an accident or an alien kidnapped you or something. Let the young man be. It doesn’t make you seem any cooler. It just makes you come off as bitter and vindictive.
      And about the bit of ppl identifying others, Pink panther is the beacon. I finally figured it out. He’s the common link to all of us. So anyone that knows him will easily trace KD members.

    • You don’t like Dennis! We got that! Hell,
      dude we got the memo last year. However,
      the fact remains that Dennis exists so get
      used to it. Deal with the knowledge of his
      existence and swallow all of your bile
      because you’ve so overbeaten and
      overplayed your dislike of Dennis that you
      sound like a broken gramophone,
      constantly harping the same tune and
      revelling in it.

      Leave Dennis alone and get a life dude!
      Maybe you could buy one at Shoprite! #
      JustSaying

  19. This story reminds me of those movies that the main character who hates kids gets one dumped on his front door by a pissed off and forgotten baby mama. At the end, he grows to love the child after all the commotion. Nice entry DM. I am really loving these your entries as I predicted in the pilot.

    P.S: Not to be a wuss oo, beht DM, you MAY also be guilty of kiss and tell. Cos I vividly remember a time(s) when you talked about fucking someone on here. Which made me tag you “The living directory for rainbow express” lemme assume old tthings are passed away.

  20. If you ain’t my folks or within my first circle of friends (the ones who don’t know am gay), then you have no business asking me about marriage.

    A colleague tried crossing that line last year and did he get the reply of life. …it’s been six months now and he’s never asked me a foolish question again.

  21. Watz d fuss abt som1 knowing who u r behind KD? R u a fugitive abi u thief?
    If anybody wants to b so preoccupied-let him enjoy!
    I personaly luk 4ward to chizzie’s comments-nt dt I support all he says bt somtimes its bliss to hv objectivity n a diff taste to d comments.
    KD 4me,is leisure,fun and learning
    As many dt tk it quite personal,I wonder if life isn’t stressful enough to add another burden!

  22. I keep reading ur post and I jst cudnt help it this time but to comment, dude! U v an attitude problem! Its ok to v self confidence and strong will but there’s a thin line btwn all that and being damn right opinionated, rude, arrogant and what not…seriously u need to start working on urself.

  23. Great Read.

    Nosy family members tho. Thank God my family hardly mix with relatives!

    And yes I need to ask, what happened to all the shade throwing that once existed on KD? I miss it. @Pinky do something. @Dennis n @Chizzie find your way back to the days of Ebube nwagbo legs *sobbing*

    • Ah and I was busy begging for a shade fest… not knowing that the comment section has blood shed.

      *sigh*

      Chizzie of Life!

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