Dear KD: He Wants To Dance, And We Wish He Won’t

blackmentalkingThis is going to be a very unpopular ask for advice. I know that, having been a part of this forum for some time now. But I still have to ask anyway. It isn’t in my interest. It is in the interest of my very close friend.

This friend of mine is effeminate, a typical example of Alex Newell from Glee, and his femininity can be perceived five blocks away from him. And because of it, he has never being too far from scandals.

He once participated in a freestyle dance at our school’s inter-faculty dance contest. He rocked his body like Beyoncé and Shakira combined, and of course he won the contest, right along with heavy and scornful speculation of his sexuality. Those of us who are his close friends weren’t spared; we also came under the fierce, unfriendly scrutiny of the speculation.

Fast forward two years later, and he wants to represent his faculty officially at the upcoming inter-faculty dance competition. And yes, he is all set to rock some nasty moves. We, his friends, do not want ‎him to dance, because he has too many baggage and we don’t want him to incur more of it. He seems adamant to go ahead with the dance. We are worried, and I would like some direction on what we should do from you guys. Thanks.

Submitted by Saúde

78 thoughts on “Dear KD: He Wants To Dance, And We Wish He Won’t

  1. He should go ahead with it, people are already talking anyway so what does he have to loose? No one has ever been killed for being girly, just dont make passes at men and it will remain in the realm of gossip.

    This life is simple; Do what pleases you and allow those at the sidelines to run commentaries, that is their job.

    Oh and erm if you really are his friend (in the true sense of the word) you will stick by him no matter what.

  2. Imagine your close friends stopping you from doing wah u luv just becuz dey wouldn’t want to facz de music wif u, dahz just totally uncool. True frndz would always have ur back no matter wah. All I can say is let him be who he is and shake off his botty, may actually be de one fin dah helps him clear his mind and maybe makes him feel is on top and in most cases important.

  3. It’s his decision to dance not yours so if you have problems with it you either suck it up or develop a thick skin or stop being friends with him.

  4. Sometimes when we comment on issues on this blog, I think there’s a little bit of unfairness and condescension from the more evolved gay men. I don’t know if it’s the tone in my head when I read the comments, But it’s almost as if we’re asking “how can you be asking this? ” or “how can this be an issue for you?” and it’s mainly from those of us who are in the late 20s to 30s age bracket. We’re grown men now with jobs, independent men whose value is determined by so many other things. We’re now qualified by so much more and can take stands on any issue and people have no choice But to respect your opinion or stand – why? Because you’re an adult now.

    That being said, please let’s not forget what it was like all those years ago. Those years when you sought validation from family, friends and the rest of society. Those years when your effeminate friends were best kept afar just so no one sticks any labels on you, it didn’t mean you loved them any less, you just needed that safety net of being seen as a regular dude especially in school, save yourself the trouble of being the object of gossip. Before you became the man who didn’t ‘send’, please remember the days you had a girlfriend to help cover up that you liked boys, and when she made comments about your odd friends, you brushed them aside or even lied that Ade, your overly flamboyant friend is really your family friend…. “Our mums are friends, so that’s why I can’t shake him off”.

    This here is a dilemma, he’s concerned for his friend as well as himself. And who says that after his friend dances, it would end at just sideline talk? At what point did we forget that there are universities crawling with cultists who won’t come and bug these boys in the middle of the night and start their “All of una wey dey do like woman, all these faggots ” talk and do demeaning things to them. So, can we private university / tolerant public university graduates / undergraduates not just throw out judgement and advice, please be fair and consider all the possibilities.

    My dear, feel that after he participates in this competition, it will create a mess or headache that you as his friend cannot help clean or carry, please discourage him. He can go for outside competitions (Malta Guinness, Naija Got Talent et al), But anything that you feel will make school unbearable for you guys, tell him to chill. This doesn’t make you a fairweather friend seeing as you’re looking out for him, no one needs all that flack from a silly dancing competition. But if it will just be side eyes and silly yarns, then develop a thick skin and make it clear that you’re sharing whatever he wins.

    • This didn’t make sense. I kept a lot of ppl at arms length thru sec school and undergrad just because I didn’t want ppl tagging them by association with me. Do u know what??? There is this duo who are my best of friends. They no gree. One even wanted me to be his roomie, with no ulterior motive and both are as str8 as iron rods. They tease me and shit, but they will defend me among their friends. THOSE are frirnds. Jist cos u weren’t one doesn’t mean there are others like u.

      There is no age where one cannot be decisive and know what one wants my dear. Its just an excuse you are putting forward.

      • My dear, you’re obviously one of the lucky few who have straight friends that love you for you. In this situation, I’m guessing you’re the effeminate one who people kept at a distance, But did you ever stop to think that those guys are that rare specimen of straight men comfortable enough in their sexuality that they.can be friends with gay men without thinking twice about it?

        Besides, you totally missed the point of my comment. Your friends are straight, that’s a whole other thing, if they were gay, we would be on the same page.

      • Would u really be on the same page? I don’t think so. If kasala bursts, do u think a mob will want to know they are str8? I have condemned them already by their association with me. They become automatically gay. So now, If a straight person, who normally is disgusted at the idea of anal penetration, guys kissing guys etc. can defend me, I cannot understand why a gay guy, who is actively involved in such acts and even enjoys them cannot. Does that make any sense to you? Cos it doesn’t to me. I don’t think it ever will.
        Its called pretense.

      • No he doesn’t. Neither does a deeply closeted, straight acting gay guy. He fits in society perfectly. Too perfectly sef. A closet gay guy only feels psychological ostracism not societal ostracism. Big difference

      • hehehehe While it does come from a deep place, I have also read here reasons why gay guys act straight. To fit in, to stop persecution, to pass for straight, isn’t it?

  5. *Rehearsing my beautiful liar choreography*

    I think I need to hook up with that dude and form a dancing duo! Me, Beyonce nd he shall be Shakira!
    We shall burn down the floor!

    If you are truly his friend, u shall let him dance and be himself. He didn’t hit on any guy by dancing. He has done it b4 and rumours r already flying, so y not just continue. Stopping him would add more credence to d rumour!
    If you can’t take the heat, biko leave the kitchen!
    FYI, most of those supposed straight guys saying he is gay r busy getting some twitches in their groin area watching him dance! Guilty conscience is just killing them.

  6. Dear Saude, my advice is two-fold.

    (1). Let your friend dance! If what you’re scared of is suspicion of being gay, let me assure you now, people already suspect you! So ride the waves and keep moving.
    (2). If you’re scared of being kito-ed or beaten due to your association with him, get a penknife and learn to use it. Get one for each of your friends and never go out without the knife. And more importantly, steel your heart and get ready to slash anything and everything concerning anyone who tries to molest you.

    That’s how I survive!

  7. I’ll bet your friend enjoyed every single bit of the scandals that followed the 1st competition. His ‘feminity’ is a risk u guys decided to live with when u guys befriended him him in the 1st place. Which wud u have? Your friend who hates you and would constantly nag at u guys for not letting him live his dreams OR the friend who happily thrived, lived and breezed through all the gossip from the prev competition???
    So if you can’t support him, let him know who his FRIENDS are biko. There is no time and heartspace to spare for the unnecessary anymore

  8. Saude, I totally understand how u feel. I won’t even lie, if I were in ur shoes, I’d try to dissuade him from dancing…If I’m going to be more honest, I probably wouldn’t even be such close friends with him in the first place, not because he’s a bad person, but because I would hate the negative attention he would draw towards me, plus, everybody is entitled to choose the kinda ppl they’re comfortable keeping as frnds,without fear of offending certain groups,or coming across as “prejudiced” or politically incorrect,abi? I’m sorry,I’m just not that evolved,and I don’t feel a sense of loss for not being that evolved; it’s just how I feel and I can’t lie to myself. I know I’ll get a lot of “thumb-downs”, but hey,I’m just being honest…*shrug*

  9. We all won’t be together still after two years of that near kito experience if we are fairweather friends .the audience were literally shouting GAY and all sort during my friend’s performance.
    One can’t just help but love dis guy,he is a very lovely,witty and talented person(most of you guys will agree with me if I reveal his identity).
    This is our last semester in school and the last thing we all need is another (near)kito experience.We just want the best for him as he just recovered from a kito.
    Thanks everyone esp chestnut and lothario I feel it’s both of u that really understand the dangers inherent in him dancing
    PS: @kryxx Get ready to battle that beyonce’s slot with him.

    • Please could you clarify; Dangers to whom? Your friend OR Your Image? If its your friend, I’m sure he has factored all that in and got it figured out. If its your image, I suggest u start posting public disclaimers now. When the cultists or whatever imagined attacks come, they’ll know to avoid u.

  10. He should go ahead and dance its not like people are naïve anymore, people know he is gay already so what’s the point of stopping him!? As for you guys if u aint comfortable with him dancing and he still wants to go ahead with it then u should look out for yourself and give him space!!!

  11. Lothario raised important points, and the tone with which he said what he had to say was quite effective (maybe he should write essays). But I agree with Kamorudeen. I detected, from the writer’s tone, that there is, at some level, the fear of being implicated by association, and to this I say, “What the fuck?” My roommate in school here is a very flaming effeminate guy, and some peeps tried to discourage me from moving in with him because he’ll ‘crown’ me. Ironically, I like the fact that he’s flaming because I can catch the guys who check him out. It increases my prospects, ahem! Recently, in Poetry class, an effeminate guy came out. On Facebook, the homophobes were reduced to saying, “Hmmm, lips sealed.” They were forced into a closet because a good number of the class’ population was supportive. It helped that our lecturer is young and progressive and his support made all the difference. But we, as classmates, since first year, have wet the ground in preparation for this by being unapologetic. We didn’t have to announce our sexuality, we had to be safe, but we didn’t shut our mouths to homophobic talk, not even from our lecturers. So, bottomline? Who says you have to be thirty before you take a stand?

    • Rapu’m, you’re in the spirit! Imagine how drab and dull my life and 200 series would be without E.Z!

      And by the way, checking out D’s checkers, huh? I’ma tell D! And remind him he still owes us dinner!

    • Thanks bro.

      While its not unknown that flaming effeminate guys are some of the strongest people, anyone who will dare to be unjudging and uncomplaining friends with them come second on my list of ‘People With Strength of Character’.
      This is my opinion as well. Saude, Lothario, in this matter, you are not friends. Just company. Leave him alone. He’s bin fine without u. He will keep living without y’all.

      Once again Dennis, Mitch I really appreciate y’all on behalf of ur friends. THANK YOU!!!

      • Don’t be so dramatic, kamirudeen. He hasn’t denigrated his friend or said anything bad about his effeminacy. Its said in the post that they’ve reminded friends in spite of past scandals. What does that tell you about the friendship?
        And all this tirade about them being company and him being fine alone… What stand do u have to make such blanket presumptions aside from what you’ve read?

      • I saw. All the more reason why its surprises me. All that time together? Its just a dance not another potential kito date. Evidently what he loves to do.Remember ur friend? Who is very Anti-KD? Kindly relate.

      • Yes. I’m quite sure you do and I’m very positive I don’t.

        That said, I hope Kaffy or someone important sees and recognises his efforts and recruits him to teach some girls to shake booty

  12. @ Lothario…. i appreciate your comment. I couldnt ve said it better. I ve got more to add to your viewpoint but to save unneccesary controversy. All i will just say is that some part of the world are halfway through the journey, Nigeria have not even embark on the journey. @ Lothario you spoke my mind.

  13. I emphatise with the situation you are in Saude. To say i would be apprehensive of such circumstance is an understatement. I am on the same train of thought as Chestnut above. In friendship certain qualities unites people, attitude to life, goals, aspirations, interest etc. Loyalty in friendship is important but some individual principles are hard to bend. If a good friend’s decision is going to bring embarrassment to him or to the group of friends , i believe it is only appropriate to voice out an opinion. If one doesn’t stand for something, one would fall for everything.

    People love to be amused by an insane person but nobody wants to go mad. I rest my case. All the best to Saude and his friends.

    • “People love to be amused by an insane person but nobody wants to go mad”. That’s the realest statement I’ve heard in long times. 😛

  14. I was going to jump into the Fray and encourage your friend to get up on that stage and dance and queen out to his heart’s content despite what anyone says. But then i saw Lothario’s comment and i paused for a few seconds. You know what Lothario, you’re absolutely totally right!! Some of us due to getting older as well as evolving more have forgotten what its like to be younger and vulnerable and firmly under the clutch of peer pressure … i remember my undergraduate days when my deepest fear on campus was being discovered as a gay man, the oppressive homophobia that reigned all over the campus drove me deep in terror into my shell where i put up an exhausting charade of straightness. It was so bad that i would run and hide if i so much as sensed any of the effeminate guys on campus coming over to say hi or talk to me. But guess what? Looking back now, i deeply regret those years spent living someone else’s life. I missed out on some good friendships as well as a lot of fun all in a bid to hide deeply in my cast-iron closet. If i could go back in time, i would be less scared and more open to being myself. Now; my main criteria for being your friend is that you’re a good person and we have chemistry – i don’t give much thought about your femininity or flamingness, if you are my friend i will stand by you no matter what.
    I’d say: let your friend dance as he’s born to!!!!, let them talk as long as he aint hitting on anyone they cant rlly do anything. If you aren’t comfortable, shrink back into the shadows and watch his back from there …

  15. Our image has nothing to do with all this.He himself is having second thought on the competition but once an idea has taken hold of the brain,its almost impossible to eradicate.
    And kamorudeen…..please take it easy on ur presumptions..habaaa,No one is leaving anybody or pretending,we are just trying to prevent what might happen but if he decide to go ahead with it,we’d still be here. We v gone through worst things together plus he actually asked for our opinion on the matter and requested I should help him post it here even.
    Appreciate you guys commenting.

  16. Lol nice 1…abeg leave d sista to drop it like iz hawt!if u guyz can b frndz probably since 100lvl till date n endure all d drama dat cumz wiv being frndz wiv him y now???m speaking frm xperience bak in d dayz in uni me n my clique of frndz had our various level of flaming in us some very little n sum over d top+our fashion sense wuz off d hook mind u dis is a uni in d northern part of naija d rumours was olwaiz dere but we didnt send we had fun,and lived our golden lives mind u i studied a 5yr course.we knew dey wer talkin bout us but who kears?sumbodi pay my fee?and we all graduated at d rite time infact der wuz an instance wer i heard a guy wuz alwayz calling me gay trust me i went to his room one nite n confronted him he wuz stammering it wuz hilarious.u r just being dramatic everybody already have an opinion bout ur sexuality so what r u toning down in ur last semester.lifes too short abeg let him dance. Dis iz d kind of xperience u rememba in few yrs time and laff over can never be d same n as much fun after graduation.whew ok am out!

    • @posh666 your writing gives me a migraine, I can barely read it … what’s with all the text talk.
      Kindly endeavour to spell out your words appropriately next time.

      • Who kearz wat my writing does to u???kokan aye mehn!dis isnt sum skul stuff dat shud be taken seriosly who got energy for such and if u cant undastand wuh i wrote i guess u r a bit slow!

      • He’s saving MegaBytes. It’s appreciative. But unfortunately “kears” and “cares” have the same number of bits and bla bla bla. #Patience and #tolerance is a virtue.

      • Lmaoo saving megabyte???realy iz dat d best u kud cum up wiv?my dear for d fact u av to hustle realy hard in order to subscribe doesnt mean evry 1 here is on d same poverty level nor age range as or airtime is d very least of my problems u dont knw me or my life anywayz its technology dat gives evry broke azz murrafuka d access n guts to say trash n claim d life dey dont have! If u wer smart u wud figure out i just type d way i enjoy typing wiv no abreviation in mynd.dis isnt skul,exam nor academic stuff so y shud i av to stress my brain to spell out evry words correctly.diz blog is my very own guilty pleasure my stress killer afta a long day tnx to d creator of d blog pinkie i just cum here to unwind n av fun so u cant xpect me to take tinz too seriosly nor boda my cute head bout sum skanks up here judging n giving unnecesary attitude claiming d life dey dont have.i know diz life,d drama d fakery,d hatred n in sum cases envy.i will be putting diz matter to rest rit now i dnt kear wut anybodi tinks bout how i write or how i write so far as d mesage iz clear read my lips bitches…today iz friday so i got enof tym for any hoe dat wants to start shit.lets turn up

      • Hello posh666,
        I am sorry if I came across as rude or out of place, I did not mean to.
        Your writing just really gives me a headache, but it’s fine if you want to continue that way… you owe me nothing.
        Let’s just keep it civil… OK. I don’t have the energy or time for back and forth.
        Once again I’m sorry.

      • We share ideas here. We interact here.we joke here. We even “quarrel” here some time but the consumation of all is that messages are passed across and ideas shared. Whatever, your intentions,will you be happy that you are hardly understood? When you are chatting with close friends you can type anyhow you want but you are addressing an audience from different backgrounds here. Some can decode you some can’t. Have your audience in mind at all times,please

      • You know, you dont have to be so defensive. It’s not about megabytes or anything else you said in this comment. It’s about someone who has a preference for linguistics that you don’t have. And that’s fine. You didn’t have to get so nasty. He didn’t insult you. i didn’t either. And getting so defensive about your text-speak speaks of an insecurity that clearly has nothing to do with us.

  17. @Saude: I understand your concern. Thank you for your mature response. The question is largely about a human emotion called FEAR. Who here hasn’t been afraid? Why haven’t you announced your sexuality to friends and family? Why havent you posted pics of your bf titled “le boo” on facebook? Why do you use a pseudonym here? FEAR. Let him who has not known fear cast the first stone. Fear is not a bad emotion. It can save your life. If you have overcome fear in one aspect, remember that other things still make you afraid. Do not be in a hurry to judge another. And if you have observed that a more appropriate emotional response is COURAGE, you should also know that criticism of FEAR will not convert it into courage. Criticism and condemnation of fear to me seems to be an emotional reaction, a reflex that is not creative. You express your emotional feeling when you criticize and that is all you get. You expressed yourself but you have not created anything positive therefore your advice is not helpful. Sometimes, an uncreative expression of feeling is damaging and hurts people. This whole thing is about hurting or not hurting people, isnt it?

  18. Poster please let ur frnd dance …stand by him like u’ve always done …even if he does dance or not he wld still be pointed out or talked about …dats d sill y life we live in …so let him chase hia passion or wat he likes to do ….its his choice and its also ur choice to accept his proccedings as a frnd …dats all i think i can say abt dis ….

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