Today, I went clubbing.
I didn’t like it.
The music was too loud, and it didn’t feel like something I was interested in doing. At the moment, booze was flowing through my veins and I felt lightheaded. I liked the feeling. But the loud music. The strangers around me I was supposed to get into a romp with. I didn’t like those. I’m not heterosexual, but I’m pretty sure if I went to a gay club where all that was happening, I would leave early… Just like I just did.
Maybe it was the music. Olamide was hollering over the speakers. Some nigga was running around the school shouting “yeah” and “c’mon”. The lights were pulsating and I felt uneasy.
I said before I’m not heterosexual. But I do know if I were straight, the club isn’t where I’d want to meet a girl. Unless she was shy and uncomfortable like me, and we found out we have a deep love for foreign music and she wasn’t into bad boys.
I like to dance, but not in front of people I don’t know. I’m shy like that. As I left for home, I put on my headphones and listened to ‘Don’t you worry child,’ and it was definitely something I could get into a groove with, maybe even in public. Not that shoki song that made me feel like something was about to attack me.
At first I was worried about leaving. I might look like a wuss to my fellow straight companions. But I realised that the whole thing just wasn’t me. Sure I wanted a girlfriend and the 0.1% straight part of me wanted some female companionship, but I didn’t want it that way. What’s wrong with females anyways?
I was talking to a girl that I really liked, and even had the guts to ask out, and she said no. She later told me that I’m quite the catch because I can sing and write and play the guitar. This girl just acknowledged that I’m a possible female’s wet dream, but she has refused to go out with me over lame reasons. You see my problem? You see their problem?
Maybe it’s because I’m gay. So it oozes out and females can just sense it. Or maybe they just don’t have sense. I can never know for sure.
One thing I was reminded about from today’s experience is that I AM DIFFERENT. Among gay people, I am different. With my straight peeps, I am waaaay different. My style of writing is different. My views on relationships tend to be different. My persona is just different.
But it doesn’t bother me… maybe different is good. But it does tire me sometimes.
I’ll be leaving for home tomorrow. I am a momma’s boy and I have missed her so much. I’ll buy her favorite pistachio nuts for her and give her a biiiiiiig hug and inhale that flowery scent of hers that I associate with home and love. I’ll play with my dogs and cat. I’ll watch TV and eat chocolates till I’m bored. Then I’ll go visit my brothers in school. Maybe that feeling of loneliness that has been creeping up on me will subside for a while till I resume.
Have a blessed Sunday. And thanks so much to everyone for their encouragement and kind words and even the unkind ones. I’m out.
Written by James