A few weeks ago, I went on a trip to one of the cities in the South for the wedding of an old friend. We’d been rather close during our days on campus, but well, life happens to us all, and in the years since we graduated and got busy with our careers, we drifted apart, in spite of the fact that we worked not too far from each other. I guess it was mostly due to a tendency on my part to spend less and less time with people with whom I couldn’t truly be myself with.
Anyway, out of the blue one day, he called me up and after the initial “Nawa o, you dey this country so? Nobody dey see you o, e be like you don hammer and you wan chop ya money only you”, to which I made the usual excuses and some noises about being busy and all, and how we ought to meet up soon for drinks and a chance to catch up. Of course, I had no intention of making this meeting happen anytime soon. And so, he informed me that he was soon to be married and wished that I be one of his groomsmen. I groaned inwardly and eventually reluctantly made up my mind to be part of his nuptials, especially as he subsequently called me several times in the following days to be sure that I would be present at his wedding. I coughed out the money for the groomsmen suit, and soon, I arrived at my friend’s town a day before the wedding. My journey was quicker than I’d anticipated, and so I got into town well before evening. I had to stop over at an old (gay) friend’s place to catch up and get my freak on. Later in the evening, after an exhausting session of bedmatics, I headed over to the apartment where the soon-to-be married guy had arranged for his groomsmen to be accommodated. It was late so I said my hellos and shortly after undressed for bedtime. The groom and a few other old friends made some noise about going clubbing, but I feigned extreme exhaustion from my long journey; I really wasn’t in the mood to party with them. I knew very well that the night would end with all the guys picking up and coming back with girls/hookers. Indeed, I was woken later in the night by the sound of one of the guys going at it with a girl he’d brought back from the club. I clasped the pillow tight to over my ears and tried to shut out their lust-filled sounds.
The next day, the wedding came and passed without a hitch. There was so much to eat, and we all (the groomsmen) had a bit too much to drink. I pretended not to notice the pretty bridesmaid who was subtly trying to catch my eye (lol). Early the next morning, a group of us decided to hire a vehicle together since we were all headed to the same city.
It was a drive of several hours, and so naturally, the conversation started in small trickles and eventually flowed. It ranged from the 2015 elections to business to religion and of course marriage and relationships. And somehow (I still don’t know how this always happens), the topic of the ‘gays’ was served on the conversational platter. I’d being partially part of the conversation all this while, but at the mention of homosexuality, my interest was sharply kindled. I had being about to plug in my earphones and listen to some music, but I instead listened, bracing myself to cringe from the hate-filled comments I was sure were about to flow.
Interestingly, one of the guys informed us that he was straight and would never dream of touching a man sexually, but that he had had anal sex with quite a number of women, one of them who seemed to prefer anal over vaginal sex.
And then, there was the one who, in a venomous voice, launched into the usual chant about how gays were disgusting and irritating. And then he said something about how “gays seek to challenge God, after all God wasn’t foolish when he created two different genders with their differing anatomies.”
After a few more minutes of vigorous gay bashing, which I of course tuned out by plugging in my ear phones, the chatter drifted on to another topic. But I fleetingly wondered at that ‘gays are challenging God’ point of view. It seems to be yet another one of the underlying forces which makes it impossible for an average gay man to be Christian. You get to understand how the Christian God is so perfect, He couldn’t have made a mistake, and you get to hear how heterosexuality is what He ordains for humanity, and then you hear this ‘gays are challenging God’ by living our lives the way we know how, and it all comes back to the notion everyone has that our lives are a choice we make, instead of something we are born with.
A short while ago, I was hanging out with a friend (Let’s call him Sammy). Sammy prefers to be totally Bottom and actively seeks out Tops. He is also quite sexually active. Confession: I often live vicariously through him, seeing as I don’t have the stamina for the amount and variety of sex that Sammy is very happy to engage in. I am simply content with sitting back and listening to the graphic details of all his sexploits, and we are close enough that he can tell me all about them, knowing that I shall never ever even think of judging him. And when the gist starts flowing – I can’t lie – the tea dey always SWEET DIE! *uncovers giant steaming mug of Organo Gold Tea and blows over the top gently #DeolaStyle*
Now, Sammy and I were hanging out and he was as usual telling me about his next potential shag. This potential shag (Greg) is a student in a university in the North, and the two of them had made plans for Greg to come over the next weekend after his exams were done. Sammy showed me Greg’s pictures and the lurid chats they’d both being exchanging. I must confess, niccur is HOT! I was tempted to ask Sammy for a piece of the action when he was done, but nah … wouldn’t want the guy to feel like he was being passed around like a piece of candy. (Yeah, I’m considerate of other people’s feelings like that *pats down gleaming blonde coiffure with some self satisfaction*)
So, fast forward to two weeks later, Greg had come and gone, and it had been a fun weekend for Sammy. In his words: “My mangina is still sore, that pikin fucked me like a crazed beast!” Thereafter, I met up with Sammy again and I asked him about Greg, you know, seeing as I was still harbouring a desire to hook up with him and was hoping Sammy would pick up my subtle hints and do the matchmaking.
So, yes, I asked Sammy about Greg in a casual, not-too-interested manner and gurl, you should have seen how he erupted! He started by calling Greg all sorts of names, his inflamed attitude initially causing me to think that Greg had shown himself up to being bad news. But by the time Sammy was done ranting, I was able to piece together what had happened. Apparently, after spending a weekend with Sammy, Greg had left for his school from whence he came, but then, stopped over to spend a night with another guy who incidentally, Sammy had some ‘history’ with. This stopover guy is apparently well known as ‘Strictly Top’ (whatever that means). Anyway, Greg had stopped over at this ‘strictly Top’ guy’s house, spent the night, and from the accounts that later filtered into Sammy’s ears, Greg was the Bottom for the night. Sammy flew into an intense rage upon hearing this, a rage that apparently hadn’t simmered yet, judging from his rant when I mentioned Greg. I expressed surprise at his irrational anger; I mean, it wasn’t as though he was dating either Greg or Mr. Strictly-Top. These were two adult men of full consenting age, who had met and agreed to have sex. Why was Sammy so angry about it all? I queried.
He gave me his answer. It would seem that Greg had led Sammy to believe that he was Top, and that he had never bottomed before. At this juncture, I still didn’t see a reason for Sammy’s anger. I mean, from his accounts, Greg had performed remarkably well as a Top during the weekend that they spent together. So why was it a problem that he had gone and been someone else’s Bottom?
I asked this, and Sammy said, “I can never let any guy who is not a Strict Top fuck me!”
My jaw dropped at this.
But he wasn’t quite finished. He went on to state categorically, “No guy who has been fucked by another guy can top me! I don’t allow it, no matter what!”
I replied, “Sammy, you do realize that some guys are Versatile, right? You do also realize that many versatile guys are good Tops as well as very good Bottoms, according whichever role to what the situation requires? And how do you think you’ll always know for sure that the Top who’s about to fuck you has had his behind plowed by another Top or Versatile, or even a Bottom who’s on a short trip to Top-ville, hmm?”
But Sammy refused to be placated; he was so angry. He’d even gone as far as deleting Greg off his BBM and blocking him on whatsapp. I found his wrath very puzzling and bizarre. I’d heard of such people before though – Bottoms who will only go down for who they believe to be Strict Tops, and never for a Versatile guy. If and when they happen to bottom for a guy and realize that he has bottomed before, they become irrationally angry about it. I know of a guy who broke up with his boyfriend because, not only had he cheated on him with another guy, but that he had been the Bottom in the cheating sex. According to him, he would have pardoned him if he had being the Top. (lol) Oh dear… People dey o. *tightens belt buckle tightly around #TeamVersatile mink coat and walks off slowly amidst a swirl of long pleated skirts*
Till next time, darlings.
Written by Khaleesi