So, this Bruce Jenner transformation ish has helped me to delve into the minds of the people I call homophobes, and that of my family, as I find myself staring in the face of rejection.
When I found out some of her kids kept silent on the issue or showed some displeasure, I realised I’d find it a hard pill to swallow if my mum or dad or brothers decided to become Trans. I asked myself why? Why should I find it hard to accept them when I wish they’d find it easier to accept me? I sort of realised my family members changing would also change a whole lot of “truths” I’d held in my mind as to what my family is.
And there was the answer – Change. It’s constant but it can be a hard thing to accept. I however would like to reason that my love for them, my being in their shoes sort of would help me overcome that fear of change and help in accepting them.
I still don’t understand Transgenders and their struggle, but some things are similar, so instead of letting the differences divide us, let’s let the similarities in our struggles unite us.
A comment brought me to another question. Do I deserve acceptance? Does anyone deserve to be accepted? My instinct was to say yes. But I’ve tentatively decided the answer is no. I don’t deserve to be accepted. I don’t think anyone really does deserve it. That’s why receiving acceptance is such a great gift. I think it’s because of this reasoning of ‘deserving’ something that we take many things for granted and expect so much, leaving room for disappointment. We feel “if I call him often enough, tell him I love him often enough, send money often enough, listen to him when he has problems, etc…” then the object of our affections would automatically reciprocate.
Life doesn’t work that way. Life will often hand you lemons when what you asked for was candy. Then we throw tantrums. We make up a ‘friend zone’ we’ve been thrown into. We get depressed, angry, and exhibit unnecessary negative emotions just because we feel we “deserve more”. No, nobody deserves to be accepted, but we deserve to be treated like human beings, with dignity and respect. That’s why when you are lucky to get something special like total acceptance or reciprocated love or friendship and not just tolerance, you should hold on tight to it and never let it go.
So, I’m no longer seeking acceptance from my mum or dad or anyone. I’d love to be loved unconditionally but I won’t be counting on it anymore. I’ll do what I can to please my mum; I will starve – sorry, fast, just because she requires me to and I’m honoring her wishes. I will not get a girlfriend as I’ve been contemplating for a while now just to give anyone peace of mind. Anything I’m going to do, I am doing for myself and my peace of mind, and maybe out of curiosity at best.
Last weekend was fun. See me, unserious student, I traveled to Ilorin again for my friend’s birthday. I set off on Friday with my first love, the one I foolishly turned away because I was thinking life was a fairytale and if we stumbled into problems, then we weren’t meant to be. And he seemed so happy with his current boyfriend. I’m happy for him and wish them well.
He’s changed the name he wants to be known by. He’s also tried to act like he’s changed, that he isn’t exactly the guy I used to know. But I can see it all in there, in his soft brown eyes and moments of silence. He’s still the same person.
The party was on Saturday, at my friend’s place. It wasn’t something too fancy or rich or extravagant… We are just students gathering whatever we can to have a good time and celebrate some amazing people. One of the celebrants is a good friend of mine – Lexie.
Lexie is a very great guy. He’s got one of the softest, grab-able butts I know (his boo is probably reading this…You’re very lucky). He’s vain. He has this hoe-ish behavior but is a romantic at heart (just like most of us are, but won’t care to admit). He’s given me some of the best advice I know. He’s that almost perfect balance between a realist and idealist. He’s got a great voice; it has the power I lack in my singing. That same voice will overpower you in a shouting match as I witnessed during my weekend stay. He can dance for Africa. He dances like no one is watching. He dances for himself. He’s the kind of guy I pray for our friendship to wax stronger with time.
The party ended around two. I was quite tipsy and I danced. Lol. I don’t know how to dance. I’m too rigid. That connection between my mind and my waist isn’t there, so I don’t even know how to twist or break dance. Can’t even shoki for my life! But for a while, I didn’t really care. We were celebrating. But the alcohol slowly wore off and I heard someone say into a friend’s ear that I really don’t know how to dance; and so whatever confidence kept me on the dance floor disintegrated and I left.
Before the dancing commenced, there were a series of games. A girl, an inhabitant of the hostel, called upon me and we ended up kissing. I honestly don’t know if I enjoyed it. I probably didn’t. I didn’t get hard or anything. Probably if the kiss was less sloppy (not my fault), I may have liked it. But it was just there. I got as much emotion from it as sucking on my own lower lip.
By the way, that was the first kiss with a girl I’ve ever had; that is, if you don’t count the time I was eight and my lips pressed on those of a neighbour chick for like a micro second… I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.
A lot of things also happened that I’m torn on whether I should write about or not, because third parties are involved and the friends of third parties read this journal.
I will however say this. It doesn’t make sense to ask somebody out and not be brave enough to admit to that fact after the person says no. Rejection is a part of life. You can either choose to pity the person for missing out on an awesome piece of work that is you, or you wallow in misery wondering what is wrong with you. You’re allowed to get sad and maybe a bit depressed and have a good cry and listen to sad music (I’ve done all that before), but don’t let it get pathetic. There’s someone out there for everyone, and in your own case, you’ve just crossed out one more person and narrowed down the list.
I’ve had my share of rejections. They hurt, but they were also valuable in teaching me things like being strong, accepting that some things aren’t meant to be, and not letting something like that affect my self esteem.
You know how someone said they don’t do young people because they are not settled. I bristled at the accusation that me, in my early twenties, could not maintain a stable relationship. Excuse you! I’ve had a stable relationship for a year-and-a-half (it’s not that long but it is something, right?). And, sure, the ration of long term to short term is 2:3, but cut me some slack.
Things have however lately been pointing in that direction. I know what I want, but I’m seeing it sort of spread out among different people. It’s maddening. You know how you want the safety but also the thrills and the danger. Things like that. So I’ve decided not to choose. I’ve decided a relationship is so not what I need right now. Not now, when I’m technically in my clinical years and my lectures are 8 – 5, and boo will complain that I’m not beeping him or I will tell boo to not beep me, then when he doesn’t, I will call him and put him on blast for being an insensitive bastard. I can be psychotic like that.
I’m hoping that as the years go by, I’ll be a bit more able to control my emotions and reactions when it comes to love and relationship, even though I wonder what the point of emotions are if they aren’t to be felt deeply. I also hope that it’s just youthful exuberance that is disturbing me and that I’d settle down finally. (I can’t believe I just used the words ‘youthful exuberance’… I sound like my mum and pastor).
I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be. Sometimes I feel like some person(s) try to hound me, to look for where I’ll make a mistake or say something or do something, and they’d be waiting for me, ready to make me miserable and say “I had a hunch…” or something. It’s unnerving, to be honest, and I wonder if I’ve offended them before or something. Just thinking out loud o! *clears throat* What makes it worse is when the person is subtle about it. The silent/subtle ones are the ones to watch out for. With the loud ones, you already know what they can do. You can adequately prepare yourself for their attacks. The quiet ones? *shudders*
The results of my re-sit are out. I passed them all. Yay!
Someone used style to call me a terrible kisser. Another said he loves kissing me. Honestly, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a good kisser. We just have a preference for the way we want our kisses to go and you just have to learn to understand the person’s rhythm and style. More often than not, the person will do to you what they want you to do to them. And that’s what I watch out for. There are some things I don’t like when kissing though.
Some people will kiss you like a dog and slobber your whole face with spit immediately your lips connect. Others feel like a dementor’s kiss and your soul is about to be sucked out by a mass of tongue and teeth. Others give what I call butterfly kisses – those kinds of kisses where you’d rather the person made up their mind on if they wanted to kiss you or shouldn’t even kiss you at all. Then there are the woodpeckers that just peck at your lips. I believe those ones don’t really like kissing, or in the case of hookups, don’t like sharing that aspect of sex with random people. The Tongue is a grey area. I take it that if you don’t do tongue with the person, then you’re not really into the person.
Personally I prefer the type of kiss that changes gear. From slow kissing of the lips (I like to take the lower lip. Alternation is a must though. Can’t spend too long in one place) to something hotter. Run your tongue against my lips, demand subtle entry (I hardly do this because most people don’t know what it means). Then our tongues can play…light sucking, let the tips touch! I like to nibble sometimes. I know some people really don’t like it, but I like doing it and I like it when it’s done to me. Make sounds of appreciation while it’s going on, with your hand gently going up and down my waist or on my chest. You could even reach out and grab my co –
*sudden vision of Pinky in my head, giving me a very stern look*
Okay! I sound like a hoe. Wait! I am a hoe. *skips merrily away into a rainbow-coloured sunset*
Written by James