Me: Excuse me?
Ben: Dennis baby
Me: Since when did that one start?
Ben: Rest please, not like this will be the first time that a man will be calling you baby
Me: Excuse the hell out of me, what are you talking about?
Ben: Dee, rest o! I know what team you play for, it’s not a secret na.
Now Ben (not real name) is my friend from university and we did NYSC in the same place. So even though I kind of hate his guts, I am kind of stuck with him because he really is a good friend. He lives in Port Harcourt with his brother, and getting a job has been a bit of a challenge for him – a situation that I empathize with and help out where I can.
Me: I don’t know what you are talking about
Ben: Dennis, I figured it out in 2013, and it is not a big deal, oga. Whatever floats your boat.
Me: I do not wish to discuss this matter further. Whatever it is that you know, please keep knowing it.
Ben: I have seen the way you look at me, Dee (sends tongue-out smiley)
Me: Don’t flatter yourself. There is no special way I look at you. Like I said, I do not wish to discuss this further.
Ben: Not until you consider my proposition
Me: I am listening
Ben: You know I am a ladies’ man, and I have a lot of chicks. But my sister-in-law is a housewife and she always constitutes herself to be a stumbling block to my hustle. You also know I cannot afford to be using hotels on a regular basis.
Me: What is my own in this matter?
Ben: Allow me use your flat whenever you go to work. I will be asking girls to meet me there as if it’s my house. I will ensure nothing is missing, and when you take work trips out of town, I will hold forte at home. Plus you won’t need to take your boys to the vet.
Me: What is in it for me?
Ben: I will allow you do anything you want to or with me. On the condition however that it stays between us. Dude, nobody should know.
Me: And here was I thinking you are straight
Ben: Dude, I am not gay. This is just a business transaction and a mutually beneficial one at that. What say you?
Me: lol. Of course you are not gay. Dude, whatever helps you sleep at night. Your offer is very tempting, but no, thank you very much, I will pass. My house will not become a whorehouse…
This conversation happened some weeks ago and I found it very funny. Some of our kind, of course, will insist that this guy is a latent gay man, not a straight man. And I may be leaning towards agreeing with them. However it is absolutely funny when straight guys think that you want to jump on them given the slightest chance, even when they are ugly AF! Dudes need to chill. There is another straight guy story which I will save for later.
I will get some flak for what I am about to write next, but please go easy on me (lol) as I want to address the issue of recycled men.
I met someone not too recently – a young guy who has a lot going for him at twenty-four. I was impressed and I did gush about him to a few pals of mine. He is smart, very well read, slim, with a jaw that can cut glass. My friends were eager to meet him after all the hyping I did, and so we decided to meet up on a particular weekend evening.
We all arrived before my new friend; he was supposed to join us from work at the karaoke place. When he arrived, all the bursts of laughter ceased; the atmosphere became awkward. Let me spare you the long story; I later discovered that in that circle of eight guys, my new friend had slept with four in the past, and two others know people he has slept with. Orgies were even mentioned. Guys talk a lot and my heart sank as I learned of his sexcapades, which came as a surprise to me in all honesty. When I confirmed that they were true, I slowly began to detach myself from him until he read the handwriting on the wall too.
I know some of you will judge me, and you would be justified in doing so. But can’t a dude find a man that is (in Peak’s words) fresh off the runway? My last boyfriend was educated abroad and he lived there for sometime before he returned, so very few people knew him. I used to love entering gay gatherings with him and watch the other guys wonder who he was. Can’t I have that again? I don’t want a dude quoted on the stock exchange.
I have noticed a recent trend amongst gay men; quite a few of my friends are getting older and they are beginning to seek some stability and commitment. These are guys who just a few years ago swore by random hookups and would tell you that ‘ain’t nobody got time for love.’ Now come and see the way they are hustling for boyfriends now. Even online, if you chat with someone and meet up with them a few times, they will subtly drop hints that they are looking for a boyfriend and not just random sex.
I have always been a traditional man (yes, me) and at the end of the day, there is only so much sex you can have, and sometimes, there is this void that all the sex in Vegas cannot fill. Hooking up with men you don’t even bother to ask their names is fun and exciting, but eventually you may begin to crave more, and after he leaves your flat, your bed feels empty, your house feels empty, and your soul feels empty.
So, sometimes I can understand this hustle to land a good man – which is far and in-between by the way. Because at the end of the day, it comes down to companionship and the human need to feel that.
My MGM friend brought a guy to my house recently and I let them use my bedroom. I have two close pals who are MGMs, and I have stated here before that I don’t dislike MGMs as long as they don’t condescend to me. Anyway, so my friend came over with this guy (boy, more like) whom I found very wise beyond his years and also totally enjoyed chatting with. I ended up crashing on the couch and let them use my bedroom (after I removed my white sheets of course), drowning out their sounds with my music player.
I got up early in the morning around 5am to make coffee when I heard it.
“She ba ba she ba ba kiri ba ba kiri ba ba sheba She ba ba she ba ba kiri ba ba kiri ba ba sheba…!!!”
The young boy was praying and speaking in tongues.
“Father, I come against any destroyer of my destiny…!! She ba ba she ba ba kiri ba kiri ba ba sheba…!!!”
I suppressed a laugh and went into the kitchen to go about my coffee business, and my friend joined me there. At some point, he looked at me and we both burst into laughter, even as the boy continued blasting away in his tongues. I asked my friend what position they were in when the Holy Ghost descended on them, doggy or missionary. It had to be missionary alright lol. My friend ignored me lol.
I don’t know if I am being insensitive; if that is the case, I apologize. But it was awkward for me to hear you moaning and begging for the D one minute, and six hours later, you are calling upon the heavens in tongues. It was all too funny to me. I certainly cannot play Judge Judy here, but this was funny in a weird way.
*trying to stifle laughter*
See you guys next week.
OAN: While responding to my rants today, kindly indulge my curiosity about something. If your life was a movie, what song would be the soundtrack?