Hi, I’m Lanre, and the following stories are real life, narrations that serve as a much needed bonus in this kito-ridden Nigeria of ours, to remind us to keep our spider senses on always.
Location: Garki, Abuja.
Date: Late 2012, pre-14 years
Tersee and Lanre were in an open relationship, they frequently found market for each other. Porn-star-sized orgies were common in the apartment they shared, but no one doubted the dynamic duo were in love. They had kept the relationship going for five years. In gay terms, that’s like, for-e-vurrrrr!
So this rainy day in July, Tersee brought Shamsu home to the lion’s den, to be slaughtered by Lanre’s eleven inch weapon of ass-destruction. And what an ass – all round mound, large as a heifer’s, on a dark skinned corpulent Hausa bitch in a white t-shirt, tight denim jeans and a brown sweater.
They didn’t waste time on the introductions. Tersee’s friend wasn’t much of a talker, he was just a submissive bottom who whimpered and moaned to the script and took dick as much as Tersee’s ‘husband’ could sling.
So they went at it all night long, turning this way and that and doing things that would make a porn star blush. By the time the sun came up, they had tried every position in the Kama Sutra. And then some. It was time well spent, Shamsu had been as open as a train track and Lanre was tingling with post-connubial bliss, cradling the new conquest in his arms, contemplating the next few rounds.
Things were about to change however. As soon as Tersee stepped out to go to the market, Lanre decided to take a much needed snooze. Meanwhile, Shamsu could be heard speaking Hausa on the phone, with intermittent smatterings of English. Then he seemed to receive some important information, his mother was looking for him. He therefore needed to come home immediately. Shamsu, speaking in English this time, told the caller that he wouldn’t be able to come home immediately but could call mum to explain.
Thereafter, Shamsu told a half-awake Lanre that he needed to make a phone call outside, could he borrow Lanre’s phone?
Of course, answered a drowsy and sexually-satiated Lanre, and he promptly handed over his iPhone 5 to the Black Bitch with a Fat Ass Who Could Take Dick and Never Complain. It was pussy power at its best.
Shamsu promptly took the fine phone and walked outside in just his t-shirt and bum-hugging jeans, not taking the brown sweater which he had worn earlier, but leaving it conspicuously draped over a chair in the room, ostensibly as a sign that he wasn’t going very far.
That was the last time Mister Horny Devil, Big Dick, Ass Loving Lanre ever saw his precious white iPhone 5. Yup. The one with all those private pictures in it, those saved messages, and those files and personal documents. The same one he ordered online from America for over 500 Dollars. It was gone with the wind – or rather, with the Fat Ass Smart Bitch Who Took Dick Like A Pro . . . And Took Phones Too.
It stung Lanre like a wicked wasp. He felt like a fool. And indeed he had been. How could he have trusted a stranger? All because of a night of wild porn-star sex.
Tersee came home and they called the number all day for days until it stopped ringing. Shamsu had obviously thrown the sim card out.
And they never saw him again.
Kito Story Two
Location: New Haven, Enugu
Date: Early 2014. 14 years in view.
Junior and Siegfried had been in a relationship for three years. Junior, a smart Igbo boy in his first year of medical school, Siegfried the German Julius Berger Contractor building roads in Enugu whom all other TBs had tried to snatch unsuccessfully from the handsome and lucky Junior.
So it was that Saturday afternoon, that Siegfried phoned his lover to come join him at their favorite hangout for a drink, somewhere around New Haven.
Junior, by the way, had just finished fucking (yeah, he fucked on the side frequently, Oyinbo ass was not enough for him). Junior got in the car with his latest conquest – the car which Siegfried had bought for him – intending to drop off the dude on the way to meet his German oga.
At the agreed bus-stop, the conquest refused to get out of the car until he had gotten something. Na wa o. Which one be dis o. Shuo! Did we discuss such things? Junior was beginning to boil. He couldn’t afford to be late for his appointment with Siegfried. The conquest didn’t budge; instead, he picked up his phone and dialed, a strange voice on the other end answered curtly. Junior looked on, confused and angry. He began to try and push the silly child out of his fine car while shouting and demanding compliance.
Out of the corner of his eye, a tall stranger emerged, sinister looking and opened the side door where Junior was. It had been a set-up.
Junior panicked. The evil bitch looked silently as the tall stranger brandished a police ID and said, “So this is what you guys have been doing, okwaya?” Then he stuck a knife in Junior’s side and made a menacing phone call to ‘the others’. “They are here o. We have caught them…”
A mortified Junior was forced to part with the Rolex watch on his wrist and 300 Dollars in his pocket. Foreign currency was nothing to this flashy Igbo boy whose boyfriend was a German contractor.
The silly child sitting in the passenger’s side reached around to the backseat and grabbed Junior’s iPad mini. And then they made him get out of the car.
Junior, in full panic, walked away and hopped on a commercial motorbike to the plunge where Siegfried was waiting, wondering what took him so long.
At the tears that burst out of his lover’s tensed frame, and the gory story, Siegfried was incensed and jumped up immediately. He walked to the bar and commandeered two waiters and a bouncer – and a taxi outside – and headed for where Junior abandoned the car. Lo and behold, the hoodlums were still there. This time they were more, laughing, gisting around the conquest!
Junior pointed a finger of vengeance – That’s him! – and without further ado, Siegfried pounced on the conquest and started to beat the living day lights out of him, dragging the silly child out on the road. The fake police and the other guys tried to escape when the saw the menacing bouncer and two waiters. They were not fast enough. They too got the beating of their lives.
Siegfried recovered his boyfriend’s gadgets and snatched the car keys from the silly child, waved a stern Hitler finger at him and warned him to stay away. Such criminal behavior was utterly senseless in his German mind, from a country where being gay was normal.
They drove off, leaving the nonplussed criminals eating dust. Siegfried paid off the staff of the lounge. But for the next many months until he eventually left the country, he and Junior had to lie low, for fear of reprisals. In fact, they moved out of the houses they’d been living in, and holed up in a friend’s home until they felt safe enough to return to normal life again.
Written by Lanre Swagg