WHO I WILL ALWAYS BE

You all know about that world we live in – the one where we go to school, get good grades, get a good job, get married, have kids, retire and be happy. That existence is not really meant for some of us. At least, not me. I have never seen myself living out my life that way.

I knew I was different when I preferred to play with dolls. My mother bought them for me, and when I outgrew them, I played with my neighbour’s daughter’s dolls. She let me play with hers because I braided those little princesses’ hair better than any girl in our neighbourhood.

I knew I was different the moment I realized I preferred to play with girls as I grew up. I could play anything a girl could, and still best them. In fact, whenever it was time to group ourselves for the games, I always found myself as the reason for a struggle for a partner, because I gave a better chance to win. And why not? I was competitive, focused and given to winning.

THE UNCOMMON MAN

To every man who’s ever been looked in the eye and told he’s too much:

You who left the fold before they folded it off you

You who came out inventing your own how-to-scale-a-wall with on consonants

Let them call you different

Let them bait the minnows of your heart

Show them your heart is a school of fish, a solar system of all moons

When asked, say, “My heart is always causing the mating season.”

When they call you full of yourself, say, “Yes, I do breathe better air.”

Breathe in their scorn and breathe out Eldorado.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 34)

April 10

I was listening properly to a song on David Guetta’s ‘Listen’ album. You know how you might hear a song but never really hear it. Well that day, I heard it. The song is Lift Me Up.

We’ve all got our struggles and are just trying to make it home. Some people seem to have their shit figured out, but even then, I’m sure they’ve still got demons to fight. Some people are just better at hiding their demons than others.

I’m often saying how we need to be tolerant of each other, how we need to learn to lift each other up because we are different but still fundamentally the same. It’s beginning to sound like an old tune but I don’t think things can be better with us at each other’s throats, looking for ways to put each other down and undermine our accomplishments and struggles. If you’ve got nothing good to say, then don’t say anything. And if you feel you must point something out, then maybe do it as nicely as possible. Don’t let it seem like the other person didn’t do anything tangible.

UNDESERVING

It feels good being with him. It always does. I smile to myself as I grab the two orders of ice cream off the counter of the Coldstone creamery outlet at the Palms mall, in Lekki. I turn around and smile at the young man in a denim shirt sitting on a bench a few feet away. His name is Rotimi and he is my boyfriend.

Rotimi and I have had a rocky past. We first met two years ago and started dating, and I fell madly in love with him. Unfortunately, we had to end it a few months down the line because he slept with someone else. The issue wasn’t the infidelity, really. I was just pissed that he cheated on me with an individual that was way, way, WAY below the average level of attractiveness. I mean, why would he leave all of this and go and sleep with a dog? I had every right to dump him.

However, my heart refused to forget him, and after a year and some months, we were back together, and I was happy once again. To be really honest, nobody else had been able to make me as happy as Rotimi made me, and nobody had been able to turn me on as much as he did. Oh yes, some people had come really close, I mean really, really close, but Rotimi takes the cake *insert drooling smiley here*

Anyway, we are both out on a date, spending well-deserved quality time with each other, and I am in cloud 9. I really love this guy, I know. Sometimes the extent to which I do scares me.

The Struggle With Validation

Like every other homosexual person, I had a truckload of esteem related issues. As a child, I always sought validation from my dad, who I never got along with. Looking back, I think on some level, he knew I was different and felt he could beat it out of me. So I struggled to earn the love that I wasn’t getting by trying to change and conform as best as I could. My life became about seeking validation and acceptance. I stopped living and started existing for family, friends, and community, and in a way, the society.

I lost myself in the process.

My dreams and aspirations took a back seat. I became obsessed with doing things that the world considered as “normal and acceptable”, from what to study and eventually studying a completely alien course, to just doing everything it took to be considered as one of the boys. I lost me.

With my obsession to please came a deep sense of loss, depression, paranoia and the feeling of constant bitterness. I became dark and moody. I morphed into a loner and kept to myself because I got frustrated with trying to please, but never doing enough regardless of how much I tried and sacrificed. I became good at playing the role of Number 2. You know, the good boy who is good friends with the notorious guy in school or in the neighborhood, the guy who rolls with the It crowd in class, but still manages to blend well with the geeks. All this was to help me not stand out. Standing out would attract attention, and attention would show that I was different.