JAMES’ JOURNAL (Episode 39)

Blog_James' Journal

June 13

I read a book while I was in Secondary school. The name was My Family And Other Animals. I remember picking it up from a bed in my granny’s house. The first few and last few pages were torn but I managed to see the potential in it, especially with the title. And I began to read it and I’m so glad I did because it transported me to a world where even the most ordinary of nature was made to seem like a wonder. The author painted a picturesque world that I imagine in chalk pastels or watercolour images. His use of imagery was so fantastic I just needed to close my eyes to actually be where he was talking about and hear the cicadas chirrup or feel the stifling heat or whatever.

It also awakened something in me – my love for learning how animals behave and observing them in their natural habitats. Growing up, I’d always loved animals. Most animals. Even the ones I feared or detested, I still liked to learn about because they were so fascinating. Continue reading

The Letter To My Family

_51386910_man.624Dear whoever reads this,

Yes, I am 20 and I am leaving, to be happy. Of course you’ll say, being gay is not being happy, but you won’t understand. You probably never will.

This is who I am. The consistent “therapies” which was supposed to make me change has made me stronger.

If I had written this letter two years ago, it’d have been followed with my body hanging from the ceiling fan or pale from overdosing. But that can’t happen now, I’m wiser, I’m in love with myself and I’ve learned to love who I am. Continue reading

ONE STEP AT A TIME

barefoot_walkingI grew up with my fair share of insecurities. Insecurities over my complexion, my writing, parts of my anatomy, my personality and eventually, my sexual orientation. However, unlike most acquaintances I’ve made who spoke of the demons they fought over their sexualities, torments that pushed them to extremes like fasting and attempting suicide, I never once let the fact that I was different bring that much darkness inside me. I had bouts of depression, yes. But I was basically still a child, loved, pampered and blissfully unaware that my difference could pose a real problem in my adulthood.

However, I got older, and became more aware of the world around me. I began to realize the extent of society’s disdain for my kind of person. I fell prey to a homophobic opportunist; I was kito-ed. I heard the stories. I shuddered at other people’s experiences. I began to know the fear. Depression threatened ever so often. Questions about the future began to plague me: Do I want to be this person? What about my family? Do I want to risk alienation from them by staying true to myself? What about marriage? Can I stand marital eternity with a human being I feel no sexual attraction for? Can I live that lie? Do I want to? Shouldn’t I want to? Does not getting married mean I’ll lack companionship as I age? What about children? What about old age? What about the continuation of my legacy? Continue reading

SOMETHING THAT GIVES YOU JOY

singles 21It’s been a couple of years since my parents started nagging me over the issue of marriage. I hadn’t even got a job the first time they brought it up. I suppose a bunch of factors contributed to their hastiness, one of them being that I am the first child. And another being that I lost one of my brothers to a violent death some years ago, and on some deep level, his demise serves as a constant reminder to my parents that life is too short. My brother’s death serves as a reminder to me too, that life is too short. And my parents and I interpret this reminder in ways that differ, one from the other.

It makes me want to live my life according to my own dictates.

It makes them want me to get settled fast – a wife and kids in quick succession.

And a couple of years ago, when I was unemployed and they brought up the issue of marriage, despite my aversion to their concerns, I very kindly offered them an excuse – my lack of employment. That seemed to grant me a reprieve from their agitation.

Then I got a job. And they called again. Continue reading