The +++ Journals: Entry V

Blog_The +++ Journals 02It has always been easier to play the class clown. I learned much earlier that it was a good defence mechanism; the best way to hide my disappointments, rejection and worries. So it came as no surprise to me when I tried to downplay my new status and brush it off my back.

Upon our return from Daberechi’s lab, Josh and I hung out like we would do on a lazy Saturday: we dined on Josh’s spicy jollof rice he referred to as Mama’s special, watched reruns of our favourite shows and went out for a meet-n-drink with a couple of friends when the sun set.

There was cold beer and up-tempo music, with, of course, Yours Truly playing the role of the king’s jester and endeavouring to make everyone laugh. I think it was and still is a good distraction – focusing on everyone else and living in the moment. Besides, if I decided to stay at home and stew, it would not change my circumstance. After one too many bottles, I went home feeling optimistic about life and the road ahead. Continue reading

Those Awkward Moments (Episode 4)

Blog_Those Awkward MomentsPreviously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Well, besides Jude being shot in the head and leg by thugs, and forgetting Kevin altogether… Nothing much happened.


I was too distraught to leave the hospital premises to locate any nearby business center, so I begged one of the nurses in the hospital to lend me her phone. When she did, I immediately called my friends, as well as Jude’s elder sister, Janet; she was his only living family member, and he lived with her and her second husband. (Remember how I predicted she wouldn’t last with that one who she was wedding the day I met Jude?) She screamed into the phone as I relayed the news to her, and broke out into a flurry of cusswords and rants, hurling them at me as though I was the one to blame for her brother’s predicament. She and I had never gotten along well in all the time I’d known Jude. I disliked her from that first day of her wedding, a feeling that intensified when she began to act resentful toward me, ever since she remarked on how ‘unmanly’ I was. Sometimes, I wondered how much she knew about my sexual orientation and about my closeness with Jude.

“As I said,” the doctor was saying several minutes later, when Janet was around, “the brain vessels are fine. It’s just an effect of the damage done to the left side of his brain. But honestly speaking, at the moment, there’s no way of knowing if the memory loss is going to be short-lived or long lasting. We’re looking at a period lapse of about five years.” Continue reading


????????????????????????????????????????????????????I am thoughtless. I am just blank. I’m not angry. I’m not happy. I’m not depressed. I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t even know what I feel towards Mum, but I know it isn’t a good feeling. It is that kind of feeling you don’t clearly understand, but somehow causes you to end up making bad choices, as long as they help you feel better.

How could she? I thought they understood me? Should I blame it on ignorance? Maybe she really doesn’t know what she is doing? Maybe it’s my fault in the first place? If I hadn’t gone and bagged me some HIV, this wouldn’t have happened.

I simply turn around, away from her, and return to my room to lie down. Whatever I am feeling however didn’t let me be. I’m not at rest, but I can’t place my hand on anything to be the reason. Nothing seems to matter. I plug in my ear phones and start listening to music. I don’t know if that helps, because I am still feeling those things. Continue reading


christmas-morning-1wbatvfdSanta called to ask if I’m OK

He said the winter love is spreading everywhere.

I know your little sister was just brought to the hospital again.

And your mum just called that your uncle died at the early morn.


Santa called to ask if I’m OK

He said, I see you every night sobbing in your sleep.

I know this year like every other has been a sad steep.

And I see you dropping visine to conceal those red eyes. Continue reading


NARRATOR’s NOTE: I am no writer. I merely told my story, and Pink Panther turned them to words. For being able to transform my grief to words, I thank him. And for reading and empathizing, I thank you.


g19My name is Dubem. And I am HIV Positive.

My telling of this story was prompted when a friend recently revealed to me that he’d just found out he was HIV Positive. He didn’t tell me because he knew I had the same status. (In fact, he was shocked when I told him I was positive too) He told me because he was confused, distraught and didn’t know anyone else to confide in. And so, I decided to tell my story, for him to know, for anyone else reading this to know, that with HIV, there’s struggle, there’s pain…and there’s also survival. Continue reading