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Televangelist Warns That Guys Who Masturbate Will Be Met With Their Impregnated Hands In The Afterlife

Someone is giving Pat Robertson a run for his money.

Mücahid Cihad Han (pictured above) is a popular Muslim televangelist from Turkey. He recently warned followers that men who masturbate will be greeted by their “pregnant hand in the afterlife.”

The statement came at a Q&A session during Sunday’s taping, when one of Han’s viewers asked the preacher about masturbation.

The man claimed he was addicted to pleasuring himself, saying he “kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah,” the holy pilgrimage to Mecca performed by Muslims.

Empirical Evidence that Straight Men Are Joining Us Gay Men to Hell

Well there it is. If you didn’t know it, know it now. That is irrefutable fact that basically all men are hell-bound, be they hoes or prudes. *side-eyeing Max*

MASTURBATION

It’s always been a fascination

I’ve never lacked for motivation

Always finding the inspiration

A wonderful form of relaxation

Much more fun than meditation

Starting with some stimulation

You get that feeling of elation

As it begins its elongation

Followed by the levitation

Then waiting in anticipation

Of enjoying that final sensation

As I race toward my destination

My breaths rush in serious vexation

Body doused with perspiration

My whole being quaking with the ejaculation

And with that last suspiration

Comes the reaching of pacification.

Written by Pink Panther

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 14)

September 12

The first paper was good. Not really a surprise. I did study for the tests on each lecturer’s subject. I’m glad. However I have to face gross anatomy now, and not just your ordinary gross anatomy… This one is comparative gross anatomy, where I distinguish between the liver of a horse and that of a pig. I need to know the colour and number of lobules and other stuff I’d rather not bore you with. I keep staring at my notes and I feel so hopeless about it, hopeless enough to take a nap. Lol. I won’t take a nap because that would be foolishness. It’s my fault I’m not really prepared for the exam so I just have to suck it up and do whatever it is I can do, and pray to the high heavens that some weird miracle will happen. This is the point where I say I will never be unserious again, but er…we all know that’s never gon happen. Let me go and cram some notes.

During a study break on Tuesday, I remembered the horror with which most of y’all took my frequent tugging of my meat. So I decided to check out if there was something I should be worried about. Quite frankly, I couldn’t come up with anything. The problem lies when it interferes with your work and your performance in bed, and with a recent encounter, my performance in bed was quite good… and I had wanked the day before.