JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 26)

Blog_KD JournalJanuary 1

I’ve always had a hunch

That putting sentences

On different lines

When they could have all been on the same line

Turns a rather bland sentence

Into poetry

Lol. I know it’s not as easy as that, but look at what I just did. Isn’t it biuriful! I think that’s what Vhar basically does… *strokes beard in thought*

I’m writing exams. Yay! (Please, note my heavy sarcasm) This exam is however much more lenient than my previous ones. We have at least 24 hours before each paper, which is enough time for me to go through my notes and work on past questions with times for 10-minute power naps in between.

My life has been relatively dry… Not that dry though. At the risk of getting a lot of sneers and jeers from people, I will state that my boyfriend and I have broken up. Why? Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 24)

Blog_KD JournalDecember 27

I spent my Christmas at home. It was a nice quiet one. For me anyways. My brothers went to a party and I sat my ass at home. I invited a friend of mine over who is straight but knows I’m interested in guys. He didn’t know the way to my house so I went to get him, and as we walked down to the red brick house that I call home, he told me about how he had finally got a girlfriend and was less shy. This was someone who would avoid meals in my A-level school just so that the huge crowd of secondary school students we shared the school with wouldn’t stare too much at him. Those students could stare… It was unnerving. And it didn’t ease up even after we spent a whole year. Sometimes I felt like a zoo animal under observation and would start my habit of chewing on my lower lip because I was nervous. I don’t think I’d mind anymore if that happened again. Might even revel in it because, Bitch, I’m fabulous!

Anyways he kept on yapping about the girl and how he really liked her and how she understood him and blah-blah-blah. He told me about the first time he kissed her, about how it was sloppy and she just laughed about it and stuff like that. I’m glad he’s getting more confident now; he’s had suicidal tendencies because he felt his life sucked and he could never make his parents happy since he wasn’t overly intelligent and stuff like that. It might not seem like a big deal to commit suicide over, but sometimes that shii can be very irrational. I did my best to be there for him, listened to his secrets and fears and shared mine as a show of friendship or good faith, and though he used to be quite homophobic, he’s much better now. He even found out his roomie was gay, and after the initial shock, he said he couldn’t give two fucks (as long as the guy doesn’t hit on him. I rolled my eyes then). Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 22)

Blog_KD JournalDecember 4

I’ve got a long list of ex lovers. They’ll tell you I’m insane.

Taylor, you get me so well. My list isn’t as long as yours though. But I still love you.

Anyhoo…I’ve got my phone back and all is right with the world once again. I do hope it doesn’t fuck me up anytime soon again.

I have decided to sing during my faculty week that’s coming up in the next two weeks. I be nervous as hell, but I think it’s time I allowed myself perform in front of a small crowd. I’m not extremely good with the guitar, because I consider my voice my main instrument, but even then, I know people that are waaaay better than me in singing. I was in Port Harcourt recently (don’t ask what I went to do there) and I visited a karaoke bar, and this guy sang three songs and did fabulously well. The bar gave him an ovation and it just made me feel like my voice was bland and boring. Nonetheless, I sang a couple of songs and though it wasn’t exactly a hit, I held my own down.

The kind if singer I hope to be is one that can channel emotion through his voice. Make people feel happy or sad or melancholy and whatnot. Not just someone who can sing and knows how to do riffs and runs. Songs that are memorable to me are those that can channel their emotions to me and I can feel or at least understand what the singer is feeling.

I’ve picked the songs I’d like to sing – Amnesia by Five Seconds Of Summer, and Stardust by Mikka. I can connect to these songs on an emotional level and they seem relatively easy. I’ve done covers of them and people liked them. Maybe if anyone is interested in hearing, they could drop their email addresses with Pinky and I’ll send the file across. But singing a song into a recorder and actually singing to a crowd are two different things. Well… wish me luck and I hope I don’t choke.

Online shopping can be addictive. My mum is out of the country and I’ve been shipping things to her to bring back home for me. I won’t be surprised if my parents cut down my pocket money or I get an interrogation on where I’m getting my money from. I won’t put it past my mum to ask, “I hope it’s not that you are doing that thing and they are giving you money for it,” and I will give her my best innocent look and say, “What thing?” Then skip merrily away with my new found property.

I prefer to buy gadgets over clothes. I have only three pairs of footwear. One for when I want to be cooperate, a pair of All Stars (probably fake), and a pair of fabulous rubber slippers that look like leather (I call them my fabulous slippers). I don’t get people that have more than five pairs of shoes, especially when they use their money to buy them. What is wrong with you people!!!

I be keeping meh hair in a ‘fro and people love it! Me sef, I love it. I’m not one to care about looks (ain’t nobody got time for that!) But once in a while I find a look I like and I stick to it.

One night, I lay up wondering whether secrets are good for a relationship. Like things from one’s past. I think it can be good. As much as it’s great to know all about a person, there’s the slight chance it would get boring, right? But then again, there are some things that shouldn’t be kept from your partner. So I figured it’s just one of those things where moderation comes in. Some things should not necessarily be said. A friend (*coughs*) told me of how he spent the weekend with his boyfriend in a friend’s lovely house. Some weeks later, the boyfriend sort of offhandedly mentioned that he and that friend had shagged many times, and my friend just felt really awkward about it. It might be a bit silly… but I totally see myself in my friend’s shoes. (*coughs again*)

I stop typing here. Reward yourself with a cookie if you read this and didn’t fall asleep. Buh bye.

Written by James

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 19)

Blog_KD JournalOctober 29

More often than not, I have been called nice. One of my exes hated that I didn’t find it weird that someone cuts themselves or doesn’t have sex. I try to be understanding. I give people benefits of the doubt. I give second and third and fourth and fifth chances. Just doing my own little bit of being a good human.

I however know I can be far from nice when I want to be. I gave up the notion that I was a sweet little angel when I broke up with my first boyfriend. It wasn’t bloody exactly, but I did act like a total bitch. His name is Adam.

I met Adam in Lagos at a friend’s place, and I was obsessed with him within an hour of talking. I just felt drawn to him, and thankfully he was to me too. We started what was to be my longest relationship yet.

It was long distance. I stayed in Ogun while he stayed in Lagos. We saw very few times and it involved me sneaking away from the rest of my family to see him quite briefly. But I could confidently say I was madly in love with him. I still get glimpses of what made him attractive to me. His voice, his walk… He had this way of blinking… Little weird things like that that made my ovaries tingle. Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 18)

Blog_KD JournalOctober 24

So Lexi is here. Whoop, whoop! It’s been awesome having him here. The gossip, the name calling, the dancing, everything has just been great. When I told a friend that I was having a friend over for the weekend, he asked why it would be so much fun if sex won’t be involved. I was irritated by that comment. But oh well…

Lexi and I were watching Orange Is The New Black, and its quite funny. Oyibo prison sef *rolls eyes to China* We got introduced to the transgender guy, and Lexi came face to face with feeling uncomfortable with the way someone can make the decision to live his life in his own terms, however unpopular that lifestyle may be. Lexi didn’t see why a man would want to become a woman. And it irritated him. And then, he realised that that’s how straight fellows must see being gay to be. But he did however try to understand. Which is the most we can say, since some of us feel like our opinions are final, and if you are of a different mindset, then you are on the wrong track. Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 11)

Blog_KD JournalAugust 9

I’m having a moment. One of those moments where I feel like I’m bursting with so much creativity and ideas, and I can pick up a pen to write or to draw or write a short sad poem and sing. Moments like that are magical. However, I also get scared in these moments, because I know what comes after. Depression. I go back to my work and I feel like all I’ve done is crap. But until I reach that point, I’ll just enjoy this feeling for now.

I had an interesting Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was 11pm and I saw a Facebook post of my recent ex, Duke. He had said hi to me on Whatsapp a few weeks back, so I decided to return the favour. I’ve never been one to remain jolly friends with an ex but I decided to try. I honestly wish I rebuked the spirit of that urged me to say hello.

He was ecstatic to hear from me. He was in town on some engagement and wanted to know if he could stay at my place. I agreed.

Why did I agree? Maybe I did miss him a little and wanted to see if we could be friends. He did have interesting things to say sometimes. He got to my place around 11:30, and that was when the drama began. It was almost spontaneous. Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 6)

Blog_KD JournalJune 22

There’s this guy I recently started chatting with. Ola. My, my, my… he’s got a smoking body. His face is not all that, but I can always put a paper bag over his face or close my eyes and picture someone else. Lol. Okay, it’s not that bad, but still.

I’d love to get into his pants, but I’m resisting and hesitating because he’s bi. I don’t have anything against bisexual people. It’s just that, there are some that spell trouble for you if you get involved with them, and my instincts were telling me to stay away. He’s one of those guys who will thrash as long as it’s a hole, and he has little respect for those he’s thrashed, and I don’t want to be one of his trophies. He also seems like someone who would lash out drastically, if his sexuality or masculinity is questioned. I have a friend who was outed by some bisexual guy, who carried tales about how my friend purportedly seduced him.

And to make matters worse, I found out this Ola fellow doesn’t even kiss and all that… Blergh! Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 5)

Blog_KD JournalJune 20

I’ve got a crack on the screen of my Note 3…one long, slightly-curved crack scarring my precious phone. The funniest part is that I dreamt about something like that happening the night before it happened. I should have gone to meet a babalawo to provide protection for the phone.

I tried searching for phone insurance in Nigeria. We don’t have that…

School has resumed for a while now… Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 4)

Blog_KD JournalMay 5

What to write. Lol.

Well, Duke and I seem to have improved. We talk more often now. I also got Ed Sheeran’s album and I’m loving it. I know people would have got it ages ago but I like to take my time to get albums.

I want to write a story. A nice story. About a guy who is in love with his best friend. That would just be the starting. It won’t be centered on their relationship. That won’t be realistic.

I’m beginning to question if love lasts forever. I was talking to someone and he said he’s really liking some dude but they won’t date because there is no future in it. We Nigerian gays have it bad. It’s just sex, you know. And even when we do get into a relationship, we don’t take it serious. We cheat anyhow and that’s because we feel there’s no future in being with one person.

In my opinion, future or not, when you love someone, you give it your best shot. Might not be enough but you can actually say you did and it didn’t work and have no regrets. No need to wonder what would have happened if you tried a little bit harder. Continue reading

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 3)

Foreword (from the writer): Following the harsh criticisms of the previous entries on the James’ Journal, I would like to remind the readers that these entries are neither fiction nor the narration of particular salacious real life experiences. Instead, they are the musings of a twenty-something year-old male. Remember that, and try to be kinder the next time you want to drop your comments.

Blog_KD JournalApril 15

My mum found out I was attracted to men about three years ago. You know how women can do better jobs than FBI agents when they set their minds to do a bit of investigating. She happened to snoop around my phone and saw some texts and she called the number and a dude picked up. It’s more complicated than that but that’s another story.

She didn’t say anything about it for a while. Then one Sunday, at night, she called me into her room, asked me to shut the door and started to fire questions at me. Foolish me hadn’t deleted any of those texts and she asked me to call the number and put the call on loudspeaker. I felt so cornered and I was terrible at lying to her then. In the end, naive me admitted that I liked dudes… hoping it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it might be. Continue reading