JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 32)

March 21

Ella Henderson – Yours

I’m not a fan of putting a song on repeat. I’d rather hear something else first before going back to that song. This song however has been on repeat. It’s not a sad song, but every time I listen to it, I feel all shades of sad. It’s beautiful and simple, and I just love it very much.

This is the last week I’ll be spending in the lab where I’m doing my IT. I feel sort of sucker-punched because I hadn’t been paying attention to the time. Six weeks is just too short.

I’m not anticipating going back to school. It’d be back to lectures I couldn’t care for, my few ratchet friends I love very much, and worst of all, being alone in my room. Lol. I know I said I like being alone in my room, but I dunno anymore sha.

I didn’t get on grindr almost all weekend last weekend because I was in school. When I finally logged on, I was greeted by new messages. And I saw one from a fellow KDian, and it went along the lines of:

“You look really skinny and sickly in this picture…”

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 31)

March 7

I just found out two people on my contact list are gay, and they are brothers! I know it happens, but still – Damn!

I got a warm fuzzy feeling and I am so happy for them because they have each other and they are family and that even brings them closer together. And there and then, I realised I wished I had a gay brother.

Do I hear gasps?! How can I be so cruel, you say. Wish the curse of homosexuality on my brothers?! Do I not care for them? Why would I want to allow anyone to go through the rigors of what it is to be gay in a country like this?

Well, for one thing, I know that having a gay brother would make my life so much easier, and his too, because I know the fear of abandonment by family members would not be too pronounced and I’d have someone who has my back even subtly. And being gay isn’t a curse for chrissakes. It’s hard, yes. But it’s only so because of where we are.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 30)

February 26

This is a long ass post. You have Pinky to blame for that one, since he asked for my spot last Sunday. Happy reading.

I’ve started work in Lagos. As I write this, I am there looking at all the weird machines that will hopefully become familiar with time.

Working – no, learning here is dull. My supervisor does a lot of paper work where she has to record her findings and stamp stuff. Whenever I notice she’s doing a test however, I go to meet her and start asking questions. She’s never called me to see anything so far. She’s a nice lady, she seems easy to get along with.

There’s another IT student who schools in the polytechnic of my city, and she’s pretty friendly. We got talking and she asked what church I attend, and I told her I go to church frequently when I’m at home but hardly when I’m in school. She then went on to call me a “big boy” which I took as sarcasm. Whatever… I genuinely enjoy going to the church in my hometown. I feel some semblance of safety there, and what they teach, I understand. I may not agree with them all the time but I understand.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 29)

February 13

Life doesn’t always go the way you want it. In those moments when things depend on chance and luck, I find myself trying hard to control the fates. I do things with the hope that it would help put the odds in my favour. At moments like those, I become a control freak and I have this intangible weight on my chest and a nervousness that makes me irritable. Sometimes though, you just have to let go. Letting go is usually the hardest. Leaving things to play out as they should is hard. I however believe in not going down without a fight; I need to make sure that I had done whatever it was in my power to do before I fail, so I’d learn my lesson and move on. I’m not afraid of failure, I’m however very scared of regrets. They plague me. Once they come into my thoughts, I stop whatever I’m doing and a brief flashback happens and I feel terrible. I hate those moments. I however have a few regrets currently. And most of them are just stupid stuff. Lol.

I was explaining to a female friend of mine why I was skeptical about having a kid of my own. Kids are a big responsibility and I can be very selfish. She laughed and said she admired how I knew myself.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 28)

January 31

Okay… I didn’t want to put anything up this Sunday, because I didn’t have much to write. Actually I had something to write, but I wondered if it would be a bad thing if I put it up. But then I thought, what the heck… All these people know I have a boring journal about my life on a really popular gay blog, but decide to still say and do the things they say and do.

So… This isn’t to spite anyone. This is just me doing what I do, recording my life for those interested in it to read.

It was a fateful morning, not sure what day it was… I was asleep and dreaming about my cat, Chuks, when I was awakened by a knock. I was naked on my bed, so I asked who it was. There was a faint reply. I thought it must be some neighbour chick of mine who I was crushing mildly on, and so I wrapped my bedsheets around my waist and opened the door.

On my threshold was my ex, Duke.

Wonderful.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 27)

January 23

My money haf almost finish o. Lol.  You see ehn, most adults forget what it’s like to write exams. I cannot afford to cook when I have mounds of parasites, drugs and pathological names to remember. Also my active brain needs nourishment, and if I crave dominos and coldstone, I will go ahead and buy them, because I am relieving stress (By the way, don’t mix ice cream and pizza, unless you have weird taste buds like me).

So, that was my argument with my dad. Not exactly like that. I can be spoilt but I’m not that spoilt. I did tell him that I used most of the money on food and since I didn’t have time to cook, most of it was gone. I also lost my ID card and I had to spend money in the process of retrieving it. And I’ve spent quite a lot of cash on these expensive Nigerian data plans, downloading YouTube videos to supplement my knowledge and streaming porn to jerk off with when I feel über-stressed and need to relax (I didn’t add that one sha).

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 26)

January 1

I’ve always had a hunch

That putting sentences

On different lines

When they could have all been on the same line

Turns a rather bland sentence

Into poetry

Lol. I know it’s not as easy as that, but look at what I just did. Isn’t it biuriful! I think that’s what Vhar basically does… *strokes beard in thought*

I’m writing exams. Yay! (Please, note my heavy sarcasm) This exam is however much more lenient than my previous ones. We have at least 24 hours before each paper, which is enough time for me to go through my notes and work on past questions with times for 10-minute power naps in between.

My life has been relatively dry… Not that dry though. At the risk of getting a lot of sneers and jeers from people, I will state that my boyfriend and I have broken up. Why?

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 25)

January 2

I’m not sure whether to start this post with a ‘Happy New Year’ or not. Personally I really could do without the whole Happy New Year thing… Jan 1st is basically another day.

I did have a swell time though…on that day. Started off a bit slow, then my brothers and I met up with my mum and dad at a golf club house. They were on the golf course and dad was playing golf with a friend of his, while mum was with the friend’s sister-in-law. And when I stepped on the golf course, memories of when I was a young one flooded in, and I felt this burst of energy as I ran down the slope shouting “moooooooothheeeeeerrrrrr” with my younger brother.

We jumped around like puppies and took pictures of ourselves mid-jump, and it was ever so exciting to look at the pictures. Even my mum did the jump-and-take-a-picture thing, and she looked so young and lively with a radiant face. And I was so glad I could capture that moment on my camera, because moments like that are what I call priceless.

I love my family. My stubborn dad. My annoying mum. My selfish elder brother. And my vain younger brother. I’m the cunning one.

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 24)

December 27

I spent my Christmas at home. It was a nice quiet one. For me anyways. My brothers went to a party and I sat my ass at home. I invited a friend of mine over who is straight but knows I’m interested in guys. He didn’t know the way to my house so I went to get him, and as we walked down to the red brick house that I call home, he told me about how he had finally got a girlfriend and was less shy. This was someone who would avoid meals in my A-level school just so that the huge crowd of secondary school students we shared the school with wouldn’t stare too much at him. Those students could stare… It was unnerving. And it didn’t ease up even after we spent a whole year. Sometimes I felt like a zoo animal under observation and would start my habit of chewing on my lower lip because I was nervous. I don’t think I’d mind anymore if that happened again. Might even revel in it because, Bitch, I’m fabulous!

Anyways he kept on yapping about the girl and how he really liked her and how she understood him and blah-blah-blah. He told me about the first time he kissed her, about how it was sloppy and she just laughed about it and stuff like that. I’m glad he’s getting more confident now; he’s had suicidal tendencies because he felt his life sucked and he could never make his parents happy since he wasn’t overly intelligent and stuff like that. It might not seem like a big deal to commit suicide over, but sometimes that shii can be very irrational. I did my best to be there for him, listened to his secrets and fears and shared mine as a show of friendship or good faith, and though he used to be quite homophobic, he’s much better now. He even found out his roomie was gay, and after the initial shock, he said he couldn’t give two fucks (as long as the guy doesn’t hit on him. I rolled my eyes then).

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 23)

December 9

I was in a pretty good mood for the most of last week. Then my mum came in like a wrecking ball and spoilt it for me.

I bought a flip case for my phone. It is sea-green with a black and white zigzag pattern. Not simple but not too complex, and I liked what I saw. It was on Amazon. So I bought it and sent to my mum to bring down to me when she returns. She received the package and beeped me. She said, “Why did you buy that kind of case for your phone?”

I was bewildered, wondering what on earth could be wrong with it. I showed a few of my friends the picture I saw and I trusted they would have told me if it raised red flags.

I ask her to send a picture. She replied with, “Why should I send a picture, didn’t you see a picture before you bought the case?”

I went back to my account and looked at the picture and I couldn’t figure out what on earth she was talking about.

Just then, she beeped me saying, “It has a chain on it like a bag, but I have removed it.”

I was sooooo confused then, because there was no chain on the picture I was looking at. From confusion, my mood changed to annoyance, then disappointment, and then sadness, when she typed and sent, “I will keep praying for you.”