Ever since Ode To Lesbianism was penned by Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, I found myself deeply thinking about the possibility of two Bottoms being in a relationship. A monogamous relationship. I asked a colleague, my very few friends and an acquaintance. I got mostly vehement NOs and three YESs.
Then I proceeded to ask myself why Bottoms cringe at the thought of being intimate with or dating another Bottom even when there’s chemistry or a connection.
Some cringe because they feel or think or understand that being on the receiving end of a dick equals femininity; which I absolutely find absurd, because there are buff, muscle-toned guys who take dick.
I think it boils down to the attitude you’re stepping into the relationship with.
One of the advantages of being gay is we aren’t bound by rigid, stereotyped roles. Since we don’t have a template for how our relationships should be structured, like our heterosexual counterparts do, we have the freedom and flexibility to create and tailor our relationships according to our own wishes, preferences and talents.
What’s concerning is we seem to be dichotomizing our relationships and sexual roles through myopic lens that not only limits our potential, but also limits the available dating pool.
Think about it this way:
Gay individuals reportedly represent 20 percent of the overall population. We men share this percentage with lesbians, so that percentage of available dating prospects now reduces. Now consider when we screen potential dating partners for their compatibility with us, there are additional preferences we consider. There are those men who are out versus closeted, comfortable with their sexuality versus not, HIV positive or affirmative for other STIs versus negative, those who favour monogamy versus those who desire open relationships and masculine versus feminine guys. Then because of our stigmatized identities, gay men have higher rates of mental illness and addiction.
Then there are those men who are bisexual, married and those who are Tops versus Bottoms. Then we have stereotyped meanings of what it means to be a Top (aggressive) versus a Bottom (submissive).
These are all factors we take into consideration when streamlining dating prospects (if they’d make a good match). And with every dichotomy we add to the mix, the more the available dating pool begins to shrink.
It’s already challenging to find a quality partner, not to mention how this kind of segregation can cause us to treat each other harshly and with judgment, separating each other into categories of good and bad, when – I believe – we should be more supportive and affirming of the members within our own community.
What I’m trying to get at with my soapbox here is: while it’s very important to have personal requirements for selecting your ideal mate, we also have to be careful about imposing an abundance of restrictions with which we’re willing to date, if we are to increase our odds of finding a quality partner.
The salience with which each of these values represent will vary from person to person, but I encourage you to explore the probability of this pursuit of perfection limiting your dating life and creating boundaries of which you may be robbing yourself of possibilities.
We should never violate our value systems. However, at the same time, I think we as a gay community sometimes shut doors on the possibility of true intimacy because of standards we apply that become roadblocks to the very thing we desire the most.
When it comes to Bottom-Bottom relationship pairings (or Top-Top pairings, for that matter), it’s important to remember we are not defined by what we do sexually, and that a relationship is more than just what we do in the bedroom (or kitchen or in the shower!)
Explore the extent to which either of you would be willing to go versatile. Some compromises may need to be made to meet each other’s sexual needs, and you may actually find versatility enhances your relationship.
I believe since both partners are receptive to penetration, I find Bottom-Bottom pairings more flexible with these issues than Top-Top pairings, who tend to be more resistant and have more boundaries with what they’re willing to do with their bodies sexually.
If you resist the idea of topping your partner from time to time, explore what it is about this sexual activity that is causing you to set this boundary, as there may be a psychological block you could work through and lift. You need to decide how much a sexual position plays in your personal requirements.
Additionally, there is a variety of sex toys (dildos, vibrators, etc.) that could be integrated into your sex play that could help fill the void (so to speak) of a penetrating partner, and you could both explore creative methods of spicing things up in the bedroom (or the backseat of a car).
Ultimately, you will need to decide how much of a role sexual position plays in your personal requirements for long-term happiness in a relationship.
Is not being with a partner who will top you a deal-breaker, or are you willing to compromise on this? If not, this type of pairing may not be for you. If you have found a partner who is perfect for you in every way, except for the fact that he won’t penetrate you and these other ideas don’t appeal to you, could you walk away from him without regrets and return to the dating jungle in the hopes of finding someone who will without a guarantee?
That is the ultimate question for you to contemplate.
Written by Vhar