According to a leaked agreement between Sony and Marvel, there are a great number of things Spiderman can’t do or be: He’s “not a homosexual;” he “does not abuse alcohol;” he “does not use foul language;” he “does not have sex with anyone below the age of 16.”
However, there are also several character traits he absolutely must possess: he is unswervingly “Caucasian;” he “gains powers from being bitten by a spider;” and, though “heterosexual,” he still has the innate know-how to “design his first red and blue costume.”
For a fellow who’s able to shoot thin ropes of spider-web out of his wrists to traverse New York skyscrapers and catch enemies in a viscous mess of goo, the poor guy is kept on an astonishingly tight leash.
Andrew Garfield, who’s been longing to portray Spiderman as gay, is no doubt devastated by this news. Back in 2013, the actor told EW that he’d often had “philosophical discussions” with the film’s producer, Matt Tolmach, about exploring the character’s sexuality on film. “I was kind of joking, but kind of not joking about MJ,” he says. “What if MJ is a dude? Why can’t we discover that Peter is exploring his sexuality? It’s hardly even groundbreaking! So why can’t he be gay? Why can’t he be into boys?”
To which we say “he can!” We fully approve of you making out with other men in or out of costume, Mr. Garfield. Garfield was gunning for a gay make-out sesh so badly that he’s already chosen an actor to play his onscreen beau. “I’ve been obsessed with Michael B. Jordan since The Wire,” he said. “He’s so charismatic and talented. It’d be even better—we’d have interracial bisexuality!”