You know how some people say the dumbest shit and it leaves you feeling so disheartened about the fate of the human race if people like that exist… Well, I’ve experienced it quite lately from different people. Like the girl that knows of my sexuality but still uses it as an insult on guys, even though she swears she accepts me for who I am…or my classmate who was taking panadol for Caitlyn Jenner’s headache…or the guy who thinks a Versatile guy is a closet bottom 99% of the time.
Let’s see… If a person is Bottom and Bottom alone, you could say he’s quite incapable mentally of being Top, and even if he does, he doesn’t enjoy it. A Top would rather not get fucked too, because he wouldn’t enjoy it. He could just think he won’t enjoy it, or he’s tried and tested it and found out he doesn’t like it at all, and then sticks to being Top. Either way, he’s doing what he enjoys the most.
Now I think I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Hardly would you find a Bottom who knows without a shadow of doubt that he’s Bottom claim to be Versatile or Top. In a gathering of gay people, they will wave their bottom flags anywhere and anytime, because that’s what they enjoy and are good at, and they know it. I’ll be quick to believe when a guy says he’s Bottom and when he says he’s Versatile, than when he says he’s Top. I’ve had too many dealings with Tops that, with a little probing (metaphorically and literally), became Versatile. I’d like to believe most of the gay population is Versatile; just that they lean to a role more than the other. Almost like sexual orientation being a spectrum.
I think that when it comes to roles, people are only willing to get down as a particular role depending on the other person. What I mean is that a ‘Top’ can become Versatile when they can see themselves being topped by the other person. But if they can’t see themselves being fucked by the other person, they maintain their ‘topness’.
I’m guilty of the above, lying about my role just so I could ensure I got into someone’s pants in a role I felt comfortable being with the person. It’s a habit I have however curbed. I’d tell whoever it is straight up that I’m Versatile, but I want to fuck him, not the other way around. Some leave, some revoke their ‘Top’ status, and many times, a flip-flop session is put in order.
The only thing that constantly pisses me off is when a person lies after I’ve being honest with them. I’d say I’m Versatile, and they’d say they’re Top – Strictly Top – only to find out from a friend of a friend that they shagged and had a flip-flop or that the person played Bottom. I won’t be mad because I’d feel like I’m the bottom (pun intended) of some imaginary food chain. I’d be mad because my honesty wasn’t reciprocated. Heaven help the liar if his bedmatics are whack…
On second thoughts however, the person lying about his role could also be doing so because he’s like some of the people who think 99% of Versatile guys are bottom. Ah well, you have to deal with all manners of human beings.
Apparently my journal has turned into more of a rant than actual happenings in my life (though I’d like to think my thoughts on matters are actual happenings in my life).
I think the reason for that is that there isn’t much happening in my life and I quite frankly like to live in my head and play with my thoughts and question things that have been continually accepted without even knowing why they are.
Besides my weeks are full of tests and late night studying (my sleep pattern is messed up right now) with 7am-till-5pm classes, and I’m pretty sure y’all don’t want to hear about pathologies of the liver and how sometimes a twin female cow can get male organs (talk about identity crisis in animals, lol).
But I’m sure I could rustle up something for your entertainment. Note: These are not figments of my imagination. You’ll see sha, it’s pretty drab and boring.
I hang out with these three girls in class. And as is bound to happen sometimes when I hang out with girls long enough, I started to crush on each of them at different times.
First is Joan who’s tall and slender and witty with a dark aura. She can be pretty violent. I even asked her out a few times and she said she can’t date a classmate.
Then there is Debby-boo who is one of the vines people I know. One time she took a picture and I stood behind her – quite close, if I may add – and made a funny face. She showed her friends the picture and they burst out laughing, and she couldn’t see what was making them laugh and thought it was something wrong with her appearance, which only made them laugh louder. They had to point me out standing behind her before she realised what the fuss was about.
She’s not exactly prim and proper, but I can tell she finds my childish and playful behaviour very odd and doesn’t get most of the jokes I make. Many times she looks at me with the corners of her mouth turned down in distaste at my recent antic that’s the object of her displeasure; I don’t really care. But she’s quite busy and has ass.
Then there is Mother (Lol, not my mum). I’m just calling her Mother for the sake of the blog. She isn’t exactly mothering, until she starts to scold the hell out of you for missing a class or sound something unreasonable.
She’s the current object of my transient obsession – fair skin, full lips, honey-brown eyes and a beauty mark. She’s skinny and she seems soft, like a chalk pastel painting. But one time a guy sort of kissed her neck in class, she hit him really, really hard, saying how her body is the temple of God and that there are tramps everywhere he could play those games with. She’s a Christian, a staunch one. Not the ‘Deeper Life, I won’t talk about sex or say dirty words’ kind of staunch; but the ‘having morals and principles and trying her best to follow the bible’ kind of staunch. I think the admiration I had for her turned into a mild crush when I saw her beat on the boy.
But like I said! They are all transient. I’m totally over Joan and Debbie now… Lol
One time, they were going through a device of mine when they saw a picture of a guy that was the object of my affection then. They saw loads of it, and Joan, who’s ever-so outspoken, asked if that was my boyfriend. I squinted at her and gave her the middle finger with both my hands. That was the best I could come up with because the question took me a bit by surprise. I’m not saying I’ve always thought I blended in quite well as a straight dude, but I just wasn’t prepared for that type of question. Besides if you’re close to me and well-learned in all things worldly, and you don’t suspect I’m gay, then your gaydar is broken beyond repair.
They however saw pictures of me kissing a girl as a dare, and I’m not sure, but I think their demeanour toward me changed. They became a bit more guarded. One said she’s used to think I was harmless. Debby-boo, I think. Lol.
I wouldn’t say I’m harmless. Given the right condition, like a nice buzz going on and a few days of no wanking, I’d fuck any good-looking human being. I haven’t been able to carry that out yet, so it’s still a theory. Lol.
There’s another classmate of mine – a dude. He’s an interesting fellow. One day I was walking with a girl he is quite close to towards our lecture room, when I decided to tease her about him and her dating. Okay, okay, I wanted to do amebo.
She said – and I quote – “That one that is quarter to female.”
Now I’ve never seen the guy as effeminate. But he is quite troublesome and I’ve heard on more than one occasion people telling him to quit acting like a woman. It must be a behaviour thing because he doesn’t sway his hip or twirl hands. Thank goodness he doesn’t do that, because he’s quite short and stocky; it would look like a tomboy tryna act girly. Lol
Anyway, one day I was with him at a place we photocopied stuff, and as we were waiting to receive copies of some notes, he started to go though my phone. I was on edge about it, but I always am on edge when people are with my phone even when it’s clean. I told myself to relax. I’d locked all the important apps and my porn collection was in the Knox folder, safe from the public eye. And I’d erased my browsing history to prevent KD from showing up.
He swiped and checked my music out… Played a game of Candy Crush… Got bored… Tried my BBM… It didn’t open. Then he spotted my Facebook Messenger had one unread message, and before I could grab my phone, he had opened it, glanced for a second and a half at it, and returned the phone to me.
Gosh! I had about 3 unread messages from different guys, two of them using the terms of endearment “dear” and “love”.
His demeanour toward me changed subtly after that. He seemed to become a bit friendlier. And my suspicions seem to be almost confirmed. He’s most likely very bi, because he has a girlfriend and all that. I’m just seeing where things lead us. I highly doubt it would make us very good friends though if he was bi, because he wouldn’t be so accepting of that aspect of him. It’d probably be like a pastime thing he’d tell me to stop often and often. I can’t deal. Maybe I’m judging him too much sha.
Hmmmm… What else… Nothing else, I think –
Wait! It’s been six months I’ve been single. For someone who the longest he’s been without a boyfriend was three months, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve had five relationships in three years. Lol. Some had the space of two weeks in between, but I believe those were rebounds.
It’s not something I’m exactly proud of but I’m not ashamed of it either. We learn as we grow and I’ve learned that being alone is sometimes good. Being cynical is alright too, in right doses.
The loneliness though. Lol. That however isn’t enough to date just anyone. I’ve had my eye on some people and some have had their eyes on me, but I think that whenever I find the right person, I won’t have to think thrice… Twice maybe, but not more than that.
All day, I’m busy with school. Then at night, that stupid yearning comes. I’m not talking sex. Sex is cheap. I’m talking about that yearning for someone who you care about and who cares about you back. I keep my mind busy. I read and paint mostly.
Sometimes I wish I never dated all those people I did. Dating and breaking up does something to the mind, I believe. It’s made me more fearful. I’m scared of getting heartbroken and breaking someone’s heart. I think that is the only thing that has made me hesitate on a lot of potentially good people. I’m currently regretting hesitating on one of them, but with the rate at which he moved on, I think I made a good choice sitting my single ass down.
Anyway, I hope I can keep this up for as long as possible. Just be cool on my own.
Written by James