RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 18)

Blog_Rantings Of A Random (GAY) NigerianAdvertising should not contain any content that promotes homosexuality and other sexual perversions…

Now I am working on a professional certification in Management and I was struggling with it, seeing as my background is in sciences. After forming badoo for a few weeks and finally realizing/accepting that I needed help, I signed up for a tutorial class from an accredited centre. So we were having a class on Saturday (which is sad because I absolutely cherish my weekends), and we were learning something about legal frame work in public relations when the tutor read out that phrase:

Advertising should not contain any content that promotes homosexuality and other sexual perversions…

I looked around my classroom in one of the very small halls of the hotel we were using, and my classmates were quiet and scribbling. My inner subconscious begged me not to say anything, but before I could stop myself, my hand was up. After all, I was paying a lot of money for these classes and, by God, my voice must be heard.

“Sir, I’m a bit confused about the classification of homosexuality from the text as a deviant sexual perversion. Can you shed more light on that?”

Two of the girls in the class said thank god someone was speaking up. These girls had just returned from Europe, where they’d lived for most of their lives, and they were looking to acquire the Nigerian certification. So expectedly they were very progressive minded.

“It is English. How does it confuse you?” the tutor responded.

“Well, I quarrel with the classification. On what grounds was that classification made? Scientific evidence? Or your personal bias?” I queried.

“This is not the UN, young man,” he returned. “Take your campaign there.”

There are few things in this life that annoy me more than being called “young man”, because Nigerians use it as a derogatory term on someone they feel is way beneath them, usually younger or less accomplished.

I stood up at this point and told him that he would teach us established theories only as contained in the syllabus, and not his personal bias or opinions.

At this point, one of the guys in the class said, “Guy why you dey take the matter serious like this? You be gay?”

I felt blood rushing into my head, but I turned and smiled at him that smile that I will always remember the (former) Mrs. M for, the same sweet smile he puts on when he is about to crush you. And I said to him, “Tunde, you do have a degree from Coventry. Even though the ratings of that school are not great, I expect some wisdom from you. You are calling me gay because I spoke up against a bias and against homophobia, and I find it very laughable. You lived in the UK, so I assume you know PETA. It wasn’t founded by two dogs, and Mangari Wathai and Newton Jibunoh trees are not trees either. So your comment baseless, but I will let it slide.”

An awkward silence descended on the class in the wake of my admonishment. The following day was Sunday, and we had another class. This time, that phrase was gone from the slide presentation. Sometimes, speaking up can help.

***

One of my best friends just moved to Europe. I am very good friends with his family also. His mother has been nagging that since my friend relocated to Europe, I had not visited her to know how she was faring. I am not big on spending time with families, especially ones with little kids running around. But that’s matter for another day. Anyway, I went down to their house one Sunday evening and was ushered into her bedroom, where she was resting. She got up and gave me a very big hug, and from the corner of my eye, I could see she was watching the Ireland gay marriage vote issue. She took the remote control and turned it off, telling me not to mind those evil people that God would eventually bring judgment on, people who were headed to hell.

I wanted to tell her that hell is a metaphor and not an actual geographical location; that even if people were going to hell, it would be people like her brother who got a 90 million naira shell contract to fix their street and embezzled the entire sum, leaving them with heavily-flooded roads whenever it rains; that people like me and her son are not going to be condemned eternally, simply because we do what we are wired to do, and because of who we love.

But I held my peace. Not now, Dennis. Not now.

So, we got chatting about life, work, her health, her business et al. We even called my friend on the phone to let him know we were together.

Finally she dived into the meat of the matter. (You know, when a mother complains that you don’t come to see her often, you just know there’s something she’s waiting to hit you with when you do) “Nna, I called you to find out your plans about marriage, whether you have started considering it. I have been praying to God about it on your behalf, and He has been opening my eyes to wonderful girls that will make good wives to you. You know I know what you like now, eh?” And she laughed.

I shook my head inwardly. What I like, ehn? Hmm, let’s see. Can you serve me Korede Bello and Dammy Krane naked in Timberland boots? At the same time? Are you sure you know what I like, woman? I think not!

I knew this was not the time and place to start this battle. So I lied to her. I made up a fiancé who was in law school in Abuja and would finish in 2016, when we intended to start planning our wedding. She squealed with delight and asked for the girl’s photo. I promptly fished out a pretty girl’s photo from my phone and showed her, and then I went on lying. I even gave her a name – Chinelo –, made up her village (I mean, every Orlu girl is light skinned and pretty, right?), span a yarn about how her father was a retired general and her mother owned a school, yada-yada-yada. Nollywood would have been proud of me that day as I reeled out narrations of my beautiful fiancé and how much I loved her. Shortly before leaving, I promised to bring Chinelo to visit her when next she was in town, and she promised to entertain us with ofe nsala. If wishes were horses!

On the ride home, I had a very good laugh and said to myself, “Sometimes you don’t fight. You just bide your time and fight another day.” When my friend called me about an hour later, we laughed hysterically over the phone. Apparently, she’d called him with the ‘good news’.

Anyway, in 2016, Chinelo and I will develop some problems of compatibility, and we will eventually break up. And then another girl will come into my life, who won’t be able to meet my friend’s mother just yet, because she is serving in faraway Sokoto, and won’t be available until 2017. Hopefully, my friend’s mother will read the handwriting on the wall before 2017, and move on.

***

If you have been reading this journal, you will know I love to attend weddings. I mean, what’s not to love – there’s jollof rice, Orijin and bridesmaids to flirt shamelessly with. I attended a wedding recently. The groom is a gay man. So, of course, the guest list was full of the crème de la crème of Port Harcourt gaybourhood. The church service started around 10am, and the bride and groom were ushered in. Things got a little awkward when the sermon started, and the priest spent the entire homily dwelling on homosexuality and gay marriage. Preaching against homosexuality and gay marriage in a hall full of gay men? Oh dear, lol! There was pin-drop silence as the priest carried on about how demonic it was and how all practitioners were all headed to hell. *eye roll* I quickly tuned off the sermon, and focused on chatting with hot boys on my BBM.

And then, I heard it.

“Ben, you will have to cut off from the world. You will have to tell those your guy friends that you are married now and that they should stay away from you.”

The eyes I shot back to the front of the church away from my phone had grown so wide, I feared for a second that they’d burst. The priest had stepped off the altar and was addressing the groom directly. Guy friends? I have been to a lot of weddings, and the regular practice is to admonish the groom to stay away from his girlfriends. But . . . guy friends? This was a new one. The nerve of this priest! What nonsense!

During the reception, I scanned the hall looking for where the tea table was set. I knew there was tea to be served, and, by God, I was going to partake of it. Within fifteen minutes of arrival, I spotted “the table”. A few lawyers who I know are gay were seating there, because the groom is a lawyer, I was sure the tea was going to be served there. I quickly went over there, and boy, the tea was steaming hot.

It appears the groom is notorious in that church for being gay. He was in the choir and had fucked half the boys in the choir. He had even come onto a seminarian on apostolic posting (catholic jargon) to the parish. And that was when the shit hit the fan. The seminarian blew up the story, and it spread round the entire diocese. His parents were forced to step down from their positions. (Apparently, by having a homosexual son, they had failed in their responsibilities as parents *shaking my head*) And his parents gave him an ultimatum to get married. That was why the silly Reverend Father (who probably masturbates to twink porn at night) had the guts to shame the groom on his big day. Odiegwu o! The things people put up with in the name of religion! #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat

***

On a final note, I was on my own jejely watching a movie, when my dear friend Lothario buzzed me and told me to go to YouTube fast, that my very own Korede Bello had a gift for me. I ran off to watch the said video. And as soon as it came on, I felt something growing in my pants. That arched back gave me life; you know, the arch a boy gives you upon first entry, and it hurts him a little…

I can only imagine the warm tightness that Korede will deliver. I remember how I fought and whined and rooted to have him at our family day party last year in my company. But those hoes in my office outvoted me and had Iyanya-The-Akpan instead. *sigh* That would have been my chance to talk to him, that’s if I don’t cum in my pants first when he responds to my hello.

Ok, I should stop talking now.

Have a great week, guys. And it’s good to be back!

XOXO

DM

87 thoughts on “RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 18)

  1. Religion has endlessly being used by Africans as a means for shading their evil mindedness and lack of moral disposition..

    First of, let’s assume those living in the gaybourhood are ultimate failures and have eternal damnation, can we not at least have the option of choosing that for ourselves. Why take an analgesic for a pain that ain’t yours?

    More so, if it isn’t a good and moral act to “love who you love”, why not imprison those who engage in pre-marital sex?

    The African society have incessantly shown that they are miles away from becoming a civilised society.

    P.s beautiful write up.

      • 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂… Angel Gad-riel… #idied omg… Lmfao..😂😂😂..
        Btw Raj I love your pseudo.
        Saint Gadriel ain’t joking oh. He was chosen by God himself to punish those who have negative views about religion.

      • Ah, see Max. He is a very effective angel o. He managed to uncover my year-long cover of Illuminati activities. Just opened my nyash for the whole KD to see yesterday.

      • 😂😂😂😂.. Run for your life dear.. That’s the baddest angel that ever liveth.. Even more badass than Lucifer himself..

      • Max Died. *carefully buried Max and put big stone on his grave*. *Puts on my 3D eye glasses, haba wia is dis Pinky’s Nyash-Hole nah?*

      • Heiiii Pinky, ***gropes around blindly in the dark*** see shade … i never saw that coming! it descended out of nowhere like an emergency landing on a dark stormy night … LMAO …Chop knuckle and jam shoboshow joor ***hands you Queen of shades tiara***

  2. I absolutely loved this! It was hilarious, entertaining and even enlightening.

    Heaven will be an interesting place. lol

    And its unfortunate that many preachers are blockheads.

  3. Well, I don’t see myself being a groom. But if it’s my wedding day, and the priest says that rubbish, i’ll remove my jacket while he does so with his chasuble. We are going to fight right there on the alter.

    Nice one Dennis.

    But you can lie oh. I wonder how many more lie you can keep up till 2030, and how many fake fiances you’d have created. That’s creativity anyway. Perhaps you should consider scriptwriting. Lol

    Good morning.

  4. You do anything remotely unpopular these days, just prepare to get served with the”You be gay ” question. Consider urself lucky if you get away with a side eye. Gay seems to be the new odd these days.

    Lmao at the image of korede bello in timberland boots that came to mind while read that part of this piece. Will he even be able to execute proper angles in them? I highly doubt if his limbs are strong enough to carry the weight of tims while putting in work. I dont think he is designed for that level of hardwork.
    I ve learned that at some point in life, you just learn how to reel out the lies and save urself the unnecessary headache that comes with being painfully honest all the time. You slowly master the art of choosing ur battles wisely, so u can live to fight another day.

    Nice read.

    • I swear the lies I’ve had to tell ( to the people that really matter; for the people that DON’T matter,they can go and sit down in d bush with their curiosities;I couldn’t care less) ehn! I’ve become so adept at it,that sometimes I sit back and wonder at myself, at the intricately designed labyrinth of lies I conjure from nowhere, like Charlotte the spider,spinning an exquisite web,lol. Let’s see: there’s been “Oby”, there’s been “Ada”, there’s been “Chinwe”, there’s been another “Chinwe”, there’s been “Julia”…chai! Some of them are only “semi-real” (stretching d truth,just a little bit…or a lot) while others are outrightly non-existent! And they all live in far-away states…or countries, and as I dey talk am,na so I dey bring out ‘their’ pishure dey u show u (even d ones that don’t exist yet on dis earth,have ‘their’ pics on my fone,lol). Amma have to start keeping a journal,just so I can keep up and not goof,lol.

      • Hahaha! @PP: no be small tin o! Somebody will just stay and be creating human beings that don’t exist,out of thin air…we don’t even need dust.lol

      • Jizox! So I am not the only one that made up a fiance? Chestie boo you see why we belong together lol

        On a serious note I love the woman, she is like a second mom to me so I had to lie and buy sometime

    • Hian! Chestie this ur lie game is so fleek, that its on another level!
      I just provide a “Fine” to the usual how ur babe question.

    • Lying to what end? More time for what?
      Lying is just a quick fix.. And we all know quick fixes are never good enough.

  5. Dennis Tufiakwa Gi! Meere onwe gi ebere! Won’t u leave that small boy alone?u’re a pedophile o! Tufia! *spits*

    • Paedophile? When your senate has signed 11yrs official age?
      Korede looks like someone that will be sniffing at DM’s briefs while he’s asleep.

      • Ewwwww,MM…pls don’t remind me of that stomach-turning law of “11years of age…”. It’s obvious that it was passed in order to cater to the needs of those senators/politicians,whom are allowed by virtue of their religion,to lust after children who haven’t even had their first menstrual cycle. Irritating pigs will shamelessly do anything to defend their sickness. I wonder how many of them will react,If someone actually starts having sex with their 11-year old daughters; would they arrest them? It’s legal,right,and not a crime, no?

        Abeg u ppl should leave Korede Bello. Is that boy not too small and delicate? How can u make love to a butterfly without crushing it? Hian!
        Peak said Korede’s limbs are not yet strong enuff to support Timbaland boots,LMAO! (Well,those boots ARE kinda sturdy; especially for someone whose limbs don’t look much bigger than my fingers…)

      • Chestie, I wonder if the Senate actually have conscience. I mean a girl of 11 is only a child with no nipples. How does a man get an erection for that? Really weird. I bet senator Yerima spearheaded the bill. Rubbish.

        As for Korede, he’s not delicate and not a butterfly biko. You’ll be surprised if you realise that he can take Castro in with ease.
        Let’s call his type, ‘power twink’. Lol.

      • @MM: I’m sorry,but I highly doubt that. I find it hard to visualise that child,surviving a fairly intense session of “ikwokrikwo”…any adult that takes that child to bed,should be ready for a disaster waiting to happen; u must have 911 on speed-dial.

      • Chestie, I saw one photo of him on IT this morning. Said he’s in Dubai. The bobo is fine biko. Don’t be surprised the prince of Dubai might want some share in the ministry.

      • The Senate did not pass a bill to legalise paedophilia oh.

        Clause 7 (2) of the bill says you cannot have sex with a child who is 11 years old or LESS.

        And so on…

        The bill s not perfect; the wording is actually disturbing as it divides the age of children into three parts – which makes no sense, and caused all this confusion.

        It also fails to specify the punishment for an offender who is “deceived” by an underage child into believing they are old enough. It also pegs defilement of children at just “penetration”, as if that’s the only way to assault a child. Then the penalties for defiling a child 12 years and above is actually milder – life imprisonment or LESS. *sigh*

        The bill is a mess. But age of consent remains 18.

    • MM! Haba, Castro! Na so u hate am reach to the point where u wish for him to become a man with issue of blood? Cos thats what castro will do to him.

  6. This was goood, a good ole tongue lashing always shuts them ignorant twats up. I can picture Korede, with his flat cakes and skinny bow legs, oh no i can’t complete it, it’ll be like eating a 2weeks old 🐣 chicken. Now Dammy Krane would make a delicious meal. Weldone Dennis.

  7. Finally! I have missed DM’s rantings.

    The issue of homophobia in schools is now very annoying. One of my lecturers once said homosexuality is neither African nor natural. Unfortunately for her, I wasn’t in a good mood that day. So, I told her a few home truths (without jeopardizing meself of course).

    As for Ben, he was very stupid, to say the least, for having his wedding in a church where his trysts were public knowledge. I mean, even if he was bullied into marriage, he should have insisted on a different church.

    “Can you serve me Korede Bello and Dammy Krane naked in Timberland boots? At the same time?” Kai! Dennis, have I ever told you that you are one evil, greedy someborri? Keep spreading ya evuls, you hear!

  8. I need me a ‘Dennis Macaulay’ in my life.

    I have watched that Godwin video and I just don’t see IT. What exactly is ‘arch’?

    This is a nice piece. One of the very best.

  9. “young man”.. Its in my top ten most hated phrases ever. Ndi marriage, jisinu Ike. I hate marriage, I hate attending weddings, I hate hearing priests judge gay people etc.. So I jejely sit my ass @home and not attend such events.
    This crush you’re having on this 19yr old boy(yeah he’s still a juvee) is gonna get you in trouble. You’re like a light year older than him… **cougar Dennis*
    Fun read… 🙂

  10. Jesu!!! Dennis if I end up getting bundled to a mental facility this morning know that you caused it. Good morning hunnay XOXO

  11. Rolling my eyes. And fuck you Chizzie for not being here.

    * * *

    I’m with the priest whatever way; your dear friend is making a vow to his wife. Gay or straight, he’d have to remain faithful to her. Tch.

      • @Max:Of course,he would say it in front of guests,to score cheap popularity points, cos everyone knows that in Nigeria (a country where people will actually say they prefer to hear about a 39 year old man,raping a 3 year old girl-child,than hearing about two responsible adult-males,loving each other) if u wanna become an instant hero and beacon of respect and high moral standing, u have to publicly condemn homosexuality as vehemently and loudly and aggressively as possible! (They are usually so myopic that they fail to realise that in that audience to which they speak, a lot of people are gay and inwardly offended by such speeches)

      • …and also get ppl to keep tabs on the groom
        And hide the corruption that the priest embodies. I percieve the stench of sin from him. It doesn’t have to reek to the heavens for me to know.

    • I think we are allowing our disdain for religion and our religious leaders over cloud our sense of reasoning here. Home boy was practically screwing his way from the church gate all the way to the rostrum with reckless abandon. He got caught and was forced to marry. The least he could ve done is take the ceremony to another parish or outstation, but not No! He allowed himself to be wed in the same church where he has dedicated and messed himself up. I’m not taking sides with the priest here. I’m sure the couple were confessed before their nuptial and contents of what was confessed to a priest has no business floating around. Our dear brother gave the priest the rope needed gor his hanging. One would expect a man of the cloth or God to look away, but nah! He grabbed the opportunity to notorize his reputation as a strict priest.

      If u dont want to be ridiculed, then you should be mindful of how u play around. If u are the wild type, take sheet game as far away from u backyard as possible. If u ask me, what happened to him has the handwork of karma and stupidity written all over it.

    • @ kizito,you are with the Priest? That was murder according to the Scriptures if you must know. The Priest technically killed the groom if it’s true that this happened. It even violates his priestly codes of conduct. If a petition gets to the Diocesan he will be sanctioned. He would have spoken to the groom in private.

  12. I have to be honest here.. I’ve missed this series. The writers imagination with slight touches of reality beats me every-time. Sometime I wonder, how do you do it?
    One thing I noticed about the writers rants is how he always ends up coming out of every sticky situation unhurt. Like some sort of superhero-esque.
    Take nothing away from this piece, it was an interesting and entertaining read.

    P.s
    I saw the Angel Gadbriel shade. Lmao! (I laughed out so loud my my Boss and colleagues were all staring at me wondering if all was well) Pinky my God will judge you for this! You trying to make me lose my job?

  13. Great Piece Dennis!! I dont know much about the Univ of Coventry, but a friend of mine recently described it as just a few jumps above a mid – range Nigerian University, but for the fact that its located in the Uk, it wouldn’t be all that; he went on about how on a friday afternoon, if you took a walk through the campus, you would think you were in the centre of Kano and it was time for Jumat service, lol …
    Hmmm … DM, for how long can/will you continue to lie, one day you will run out of time/excuses. These people are wired this way, theres nothing anyone can do about it, generations of potent opium and intellectual indolence have done a remarkable job, my Grandmother has a saying which translates thus “an entire community can very easily eat all the food that one man can serve, but can one man eat all the food that the entire community can serve?” – i dont know if this is a good translation, it makes more sense in the Igbo language. Anyways, am sure you get my drift. Your friend who moved to Europe is the smart one, he has probably read the handwriting on the wall and taken early pre – emptive action.
    This your love for weddings sha ***rolls eyes*** if its rice and Orijin that you’re hungering for, am sure there are loads of supermarkets and restaurants in your city where you can eat and drink till it begins to run out of your nostrils – to each his own sha,
    I still wonder how some of these so called clergy sleep @ night after spending all their waking hours spewing toxic crap that does so much mental damage ***rolls eyes***
    and finally, you’re the quintessential #TwinkHoe … Chukwu meere gi ebere …
    This was a great piece as usual … muah!!!

    • **removes earpiece**
      Jiggles milkshake and fat cakes in YOUR face.
      **Adjusts bra, plug back earpiece to continue with one of my fav songs. Kelis- Milkshake**

  14. Lmaooooo “@the silly reverend father who probably masturbate to twink porn @ night” lol bia Dennis how did you know ????? Rotfl ……… *in beyonces voice* and the award for the best entry on KD goes to………. Dennis….. nice write up dear……. say hi to chinelo.for me o…lol

  15. DM rotfl I totally relate with that struggling feeling, I graduated from the sciences too and some how found myself in an accounting profession, where it’s mandatory you be must be certified, I swear writing these exams even though I attend the classes made me feel “dull” I swear never gonna underrate chartered accountants again!

  16. I have a question, Dennis. These gay men who went to the wedding – aren’t they outing themselves? The congregation will put two and two together.

    • I was there too, but being a wedding it was a mix of many people. The flaming queens who did not give a damm sashayed into the church anyways with curious stares from the CWO women lol

      • As you all mix and mingle, any people will realize you are all gays, even those of you that don’t sashay

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