FOREWORD: When I read this, my first emotion was surprise. Considering the person who sent it for publication, I could not believe the depth of vulnerability he showed himself capable of revealing, the way he did with this piece. In the heels of my surprise came admiration at how frank he was with the write-up.
So, here, check on it below. And let us know if you’ve got fears of your own.
When you meet me, you meet someone who has everything going for himself. Someone who gained admission into the university at a very young age; I’m not the first child, but I was the first to gain admission and to graduate amongst my siblings. I was even the youngest in my department; not that I was that young, but I attended a Federal University where you see papas and mamas in the same class with pikin. I came out tops in my class and have an award to show for it. I work in a very nice establishment, which I don’t see myself leaving anytime soon, even though the pay is not as much as I desire. I am the shining light in my family, the one that everyone comes to for advice. Once I am at home, the house is filled with laughter, because I have a sense of humor that is infectious. I am the friend you can run to when you have problems and you are sure of getting solutions. I am ever smiling. I am the first to get to work, and most times, the last to leave. I help my people when I’m needed and have secured the admiration of many around me. To the world, I am a perfect guy who has everything going on for him.
In spite of this, all the good things I seemingly have, I sometimes feel empty. There is a vacuum deep within me that nothing has been able to fill. I live a life filled with fears. I am scared of a lot of things, some of which I am here to share with you.
ONE: I fear that I have a prayer that won’t ever get answered.
I grew up in a Christian home and I think I am a good Christian. I attend church regularly and I also read my bible daily and I pray twice in a day. I have occupied various leadership positions in church over the years. I can’t imagine a life without Jesus and Christianity. I have tried over the years to keep away from sin. The Bible is against Homosexuality. My church is against Homosexuality. Yet, I am a Homosexual. Now, I have been to churches looking for ‘solution’ to my sexuality problems. I can’t remember the number of deliverance sessions I have put myself through. The first was when I was sixteen, and I did it in MFM. I did the one-week deliverance programme, which includes three-days dry fasting, without food and water. I suffered my flesh because I wanted to be rid of my sexuality. I pray every day asking for a change.
I persistently wondered why I was made this way. Most of the people I know have stories of how they became gay and such. I don’t have any such story. Nobody molested me. I can’t remember any life-changing event that turned me gay. I simply was. I simply am. Even my male classmates who were involved in some gay related activities in secondary school are all over that phase. They all have girlfriends and screw regularly, while I am still stuck in a loop. I believe God answers prayers. I pray a lot and my prayers get answered. And I wonder why my sexuality prayer does not work. I fear that this prayer will never be answered.
TWO: I fear that if I have sex with a guy, I am going to be afflicted by the spirits in the life of the sex partner.
Let me explain. Over the years, I have come to believe that sex is a covenant and that it involves blood, and that if two people have sex, their spirits will be intertwined. And so, if a girl for instance has fifty demons and she sleeps with a guy with fifty demons, the demons will interchange habitation between the two lovers. So, if I have sex with the girl, she would pass onto me both her fifty demons and the fifty demons she took on from the guy before me. And if I sleep with someone who has had sex with four other persons before me, four other persons with fifty demons each… Hopefully, you get the drift.
My fear of being afflicted by the demons in the life of a person is a driving force that made me to hold back from sex.
THREE: I fear that if I have sex with a guy, I will become so insatiable, I’d be promiscuous.
I know me, and I know that I get turned on by almost every hot guy I see on the road. I have been wearing tight briefs for the years because I know that I would surely have an erection wherever I go, even in the church. My urges are just barely controllable. I fear that if and when I have sex, the floodgates will be opened and I won’t be able to control myself and will end up being my slut.
FOUR: I fear that I am going to cheat on my wife.
I envy those who have made up their minds not to get married to a woman or to elope with a guy and live happy ever after. I really do. I don’t see myself marrying a guy. I decided not to have sex with a guy because I did not want to like gay sex more than heterosexual sex. But I am afraid that when I get married, I will sleep with the male help or the gardener or the driver or my wife’s brother. I am afraid that there will always be someone willing to have sex with me. I know that marriage won’t stop me from having sex with a guy. I know that for a fact. I might be able to control it but I know the feelings would surely be there. It would only be a matter of time for me to break.
FIVE: I fear the notoriety of the gaybourhood.
I officially started chatting with gay guys in early 2010 after I graduated from University. I met the first guy on Facebook and we got chatting. I am still in contact with my first gay friend, but I have never met him. I started adding people up and they became much, and then someone noticed and remarked to me about it, about how much gay friends I have on my list. And so, I had to delete almost all, and created a catfish Facebook account, where I began to make a lot of virtual friends, much more than my real account. This made me jealous of my fake self. And I deactivated the catfish account after a year of its use.
Anyway, I met a lot of guys online and became friends with them. However, back then, the only gay guy I met in real life was a guy I met on gaynigeria.com. (I don’t think the site is functional anymore) And I met him, because I wanted to buy black gay porn DVD. He had it and I was tired of watching clips. I met him twice. During that phase, whenever I bought porn and watched, I ended up feeling remorseful and deleting the porn from my laptop and breaking the CD plates.
I refused to meet guys because I did not want to be known by them. Back then, I feared becoming a popular face on television that most people I have met would see and start telling others that I am gay. And then the calls would start coming, and then the blackmails and the rest.
So I refused any meets, that is, until August last year. That was when I met the second gay guy. I met him because I really liked him and I thought we could have something together. We even met in my office. And he was the first guy I kissed and gave blowjob, right there in my office. I later realized that the guy was also as conflicted as I am, and so it did not work.
Since then I have met a handful of other gay guys, and I did not like most of them and did not meet them after the first time. I am afraid that I am meeting a lot of people and getting known in the gaybourhood. I am not ashamed of meeting gay guys. My fear stems from the fact that some guys love to talk. And I don’t want to be the guy they gossip about.
SIX: I fear the infection of HIV.
I am scared that I would be infected with this virus or a sexually transmitted disease, and will make my mother cry. I have had oral sex with about five of the guys I met; either I sucked them or they sucked me or we sucked each other off. In this five, I have had lap sex with two. And then very recently, I had penetrative sex with one. Although, a condom was used during the penetrative sex, I still have the nagging feeling that I need to go for a medical checkup. I am scared that I might have been infected. As I am writing this, I am waiting for the three-month window to be over before I go for the second test.
SEVEN: I fear that I will be outted to the world.
I am scared that a blogger will publish my name and pictures on the internet as a gay guy, and my family will find out from the media.
EIGHT: I fear that my love for young guys will put me in trouble one day.
What if I am caught watching porn in the office or someone reports me to the boss for having sex with him? I fear that I will become like that 30-something-year-old in my neighbourhood, who sleeps with every available young guy. One of his regular lays was a sixteen-year-old boy who lives close to him. He bought things for the boy, expensive things (a PS3 at one time), and the boy was such a big boy amongst his peers. His family thought the man was just a generous person, and did not suspect anything. Then, the boy became sick. His anus was leaking, they said. He was taken to the hospital and was asked what happened. It was then that the boy confessed to his parents that the man had been screwing him for long.
What if I end up like that man? What if all I use my money for is to attract young boys in order to sleep with them? I fear that I will end up being arrested and The Punch newspaper would write a feature story on my sexcapades, and neighbours would be interviewed and they will tell the world how they wondered why I always had different young guys over at my house on a daily basis whenever my wife was away on business trips. Then Linda Ikeji will share the story on her blog, and someone will upload the story on Nairaland. I would become a 45-year-old man who was arrested for molesting young guys, and my wife would have to leave the country with our five kids because the shame would be too much for her. I would be jailed for fifteen years because the Gay Prohibition Act would be in full force by then, and I would be released at the age of 60 with no one to go to, no wife and kids. And no guy would like to be with me, because I would be a 60-year-old ex convict with a paunch and no money.
NINE: I fear that if I don’t meet someone who will feel for me the same things I feel for him, or if I don’t have enough sex, then I might be led to rape someone, which will get me brutally beaten, arrested or even outted.
TEN: I fear dangerous hookups.
I am scared that I will meet a creep who’ll kill me in my house, like a friend of mine who was killed by his lover. I fear that when this happens to me, nobody would know because I stay alone and I rarely come out when I’m home. I fear then that my body would decompose in my house, and my mother would call my number severally, and would not be able to reach me. And then, she’d call my former flat-mate who will come all the way from Kwali to my house, and he would use his key to enter the house, a key I felt too uncomfortable asking him to give back when he moved out. Then, he’d see my naked body covered with sperm and used condoms, and he would snap me with his Blackberry Torch camera and send the picture to my mother. I play over and over in my mind the look of horror my mother and sisters will get when they see such a gruesome sight. I fear my friend would not end it there; that he would show the picture to mutual friends who would know that I died while having sex. Maybe, someone would pass the pictures on to Linda Ikeji.
ELEVEN: I fear what will happen when I die.
I am scared that if I die, my family will go through my stuff and find condoms in my bag, gay porn in my laptop and phones; they would read my BBM and Whatsapp chats and see the kind of messages I have been sending to fellow guys. They would go through my phone’s gallery and see the nude pictures of guys in my phone. I am not scared of being outted to my family in my lifetime and in death. I fear that they will see things after I have passed which will make them realize that I am not the good and godly person I led them to believe.
TWELVE: I fear the afterlife.
What if God really does hate homosexuals? What if Heaven and Hell are real all along? What if I go to hell because of my sexuality? For having sex, watching porn, wanking, sex chatting or even thinking about having sex with Trey Songz, May D and Durella at the same time. How am I going to spend eternity in hell fire? I have tried to imagine how eternity would be. I have tried and failed to imagine it. I cannot see eternity and doing the same thing over and over again. I hate pain and I can’t stand it. What if hell is as bad as people who claim to have gone there and come back say it is? I shudder at the thought of it all being real. Despite the fact that I am a Christian and believe in Jesus, a part of me wishes that Christianity is a lie and there is no life after death. I wish we all die and fizzle away, never to be seen again. That would be better than spending eternity either in eternal anguish or endless happiness.
I have fears. I try to live my life to the fullest despite the fears. I try to be careful and to control my urges and emotions. That is what makes us different from animals, the power of control. I want to screw some my colleagues at work. I want to screw some of my church members. I want to screw the young son of a prophetess who stays close to my house. I want to screw the husky water seller who brings water for me every Saturday. I want to screw two brothers who operate a Football Viewing Centre in my area. I want to screw that bike man. I want to screw that Hausa mason who has three wives and helps repairs the house whenever there is a fault with the building. I want to screw that guy who comes to smoke weed close to the small stream at the back of my house. I want to screw everyone and be screwed.
But I won’t. I strive not to give in to my urges. I want to screw a lot of people, but I won’t let my desires screw me over. I determine to think with my head and not my dick. I won’t stop acquainting myself with guys online and making friends, but I sure as hell won’t meet everyone I meet online.
I am not going to apologize for being me and being careful. Nobody will be there when the chips get down.
I will not be a one-night stand kind of man. I won’t be the guy you call and tell to come to your house the same day just because you are horny and want to have sex. I won’t be a hookup kind of guy who sleeps with random strangers. I won’t meet you because I want to have sex with you. I will meet you because I like you. I won’t lose sight of the country we are in. and so, I will tailor my desires accordingly.
I am not as strong as you, as accepting as you, as liberal as you. I am simply not you.
I am me. I am Sinnex. And I have fears.