Televangelist Warns That Guys Who Masturbate Will Be Met With Their Impregnated Hands In The Afterlife

1033577_39be0d9c78d396d2e4b8e7d7d751c3a2Someone is giving Pat Robertson a run for his money.

Mücahid Cihad Han (pictured above) is a popular Muslim televangelist from Turkey. He recently warned followers that men who masturbate will be greeted by their “pregnant hand in the afterlife.”

The statement came at a Q&A session during Sunday’s taping, when one of Han’s viewers asked the preacher about masturbation.

The man claimed he was addicted to pleasuring himself, saying he “kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah,” the holy pilgrimage to Mecca performed by Muslims.

Han, who once called homosexuality “evil” and “the worst of all sins,” scolded the man, telling him that Islam strictly forbids masturbation.

“One hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,” he cautioned.

The televangelist continued: “If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now? … Resist Satan’s temptations!”

Unfortunately, rather than offering clarity, the statement only created more confusion, as the Internet was soon abuzz with follow-up questions, including: Are there gynecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there? What about adoption? But, perhaps most importantly, how exactly will the hand give birth?

43 thoughts on “Televangelist Warns That Guys Who Masturbate Will Be Met With Their Impregnated Hands In The Afterlife

  1. *shaking my head* Chai! How do all these kinds of people exist? How, dear God, did You create some people and close their skulls, forgetting to insert their brains before completing their creation, hmm?

  2. Chimo! If na so, that’s my hand and that of Pinky’s will be having multiple twins every minute when we cross over. So those that blow off ppl till they cum, might probably have a pregnant mouth in the after life… Kam nukwa!

    • Ur hand and dat of PINKY keh? Hian! Na team-work? Both of u should throw more light pls…

      @Topic: lol…I don’t remember every cumming on/in my hands sha (I suppose it’s contact with semen that makes the hand…conceive?); I try to be a very tidy and organised wanker; no unnecessary leakages or spills anywhere…hehehe. That televangelist is crazy tho! Are there ovaries in my palms? I can’t!

      • @Absie: hehehe…I have a technique…
        But wait o,do ppl really cum INSIDE their hands? Like literally? Really? How, like wank with one hand and use ther other as a receptacle to collect d spillage? Cos there’s no way u can cum into the palm that is holding ur shaft, right? Maybe I need to review my wanking etiquette,lol.

  3. Like seriously, how dumb can people get, religiosity is the new kind of organized and hallowed foolishness. “the worst of all sins” my flat behind. Mtcheww.

  4. Akuko n’egwu… Stop deluding yourself imam… There’s no afterlife!
    When you die, you die… And vanish..
    This promise of afterlife is what’s causing a lot of chaos in the world today.

  5. I guess the afterlife won’t recognise that I am still a virgin…hmmmm….so I’d be a pregnant virgin? What’s the use then?

  6. I’m sure this man thinks his entire congregation don’t think. That’s why he feel he can say anything that comes to his mind

  7. Some people’s words are so full of shit I’m not sure if they need tissue paper or sanitizers.
    Chai!!! Make I nor fuck… make I nor whank too??? Ahn Ahn…

  8. Mtshewwwwwww whatever, back to what I was abt starting *masturbate* befor seeing dis, PP remind me whr I kept my vasline…. again.

  9. loool … such pathetic foolishness, such a waste of valuable space and oxygen and an unnecessary drain on the world’s scarce reserves of food and water! ***flicks manicured hands in disdain and sashays away****

  10. I guess I would be the new Abraham there cos I masturbate like everyday. Minimum of 9 times a week. *Don’t judge me though* *Red yeast coffee please?*

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