The +++ Journals: Entry III

Blog_The +++ JournalsDaberechi and I were destined to be friends. I believed it was beyond serendipity to keep bumping into her on various Social Media platforms. I guess this was because we seemingly played around the same circles and had a handful of mutual friends. While I mostly enjoyed playing Switzerland online when community-related debates and issues sprang up, her opinions and reactions were vocal and unpretentious. I particularly admired her brazen approach and grace against the harsh criticisms and lashing she often faced from trolls and cyber-bullies.

So I decided to friend her on Facebook and although our chats were seldom, I managed to stay in touch with her over the last year or thereabout. I had promised her countless times that I would visit and bring over some material for the Human Rights Initiative she managed, especially since she always seemed to have answers for me when I reached out to her.

“Hey girlfriend,” she said after a loud yawn.

I chuckled. She often called me Girlfriend, Fairy, Fruitcake, and I in turn had the choicest derogatory titles for her.

And so, I hollered back at her, “Okunrin meta ati abo!” (Three men and a half)

She giggled, and we exchanged a few pleasantries and bickering for a few seconds.

“Dabz, I need to run something by you…” I said immediately, diving into the issue at hand.

Silence.

“Okay, chill let me step out of bed. I hope no problem sha.”

Yeah. I hope so too, I silently thought to myself as I waited for her to speak again.

“Ok, shoot, home girl!”

I chuckled again. Then I took a deep breath and began speaking. I reeled out all that had occurred over the last 15 – 20 minutes. The tests. The wait. The results I could not seemingly interpret on my own. The more I spoke, the more unreal it seemed to me.

Then there was the silence again before she spoke. “Can I ask you why you decided to take a test?”

“Err… nothing really. I just felt like I should. I haven’t taken one in a while, and I feel I have slipped once or twice,” I said honestly, trying to think of any other reason why I had decided to take a HIV Test.

“Hmmm, so it is just a routine…. Well okay. Mostly I don’t recommend people to take Home Tests because of the delicacy of the nature of the test and the whole subject matter.”

“Yeah, I feel you. But I just wanted to do this on my own terms. I tend to deal with things better alone than when I have prying eyes around me. So what do you think it is – don’t worry, I am not going to slash my wrist or roll on the floor wailing. Drama isn’t really my forte,” I said, trying to sound unruffled.

Dey there dey deceive yourself, you hear? Drama is your forte. In fact, I am about to become a total nuisance right now. Help! Help!! The one I would demonstrate here would be worse than that self, I wanted to scream out, but held back.

Daberechi laughed. “That’s comforting to know. Even if you choose to do those things, they are okay. You are a human being too and you are allowed to have emotions. Anyways, I’m sure you know having the virus is not the end of the world, at least you have read several stories, even amongst our community of people waxing strong regardless…”

Ah. A sermon. This can’t be good, I thought to myself as she went on.

“I don’t want to say much over the phone or bring closure, but what I am going to recommend is that you come to the Foundation soon. Our Lab guy doesn’t come on Saturdays, but I will ask him to come in to run the tests again for you…”

“I can come next weekend,” I said quickly.

“Okay great! I will make arrangements and send you a confirmation mail during the course of the week.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

“You’re always welcome, Baby!” Daberechi said, sounding cheerful on the other end of the phone.

I wanted to hang up and crawl back to bed and stay there till I woke up from this dream.

After a few more awkward sentences, we said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. I reached for another cigarette and lit it.

Today should have been an ordinary day. I should have stumbled out of bed and carried on with my tasks for the day – get a haircut, visit the drycleaners, go swimming with the boys. Or maybe I would have ordered a large box of pizza, some chicken wings and caught up on all my favourite shows I had missed during the course of the week. Perhaps I would have attempted to finish Tomb Raider for the umpteenth time. Perhaps I would have cruised Grindr, hoping to find a little something-something for the weekend.

It would have been a perfect Saturday. The usual ones I had grown accustomed to and seemingly deserved after a long week at work.

But everything had gone south in the last fifteen minute. I could not think past the present moment and the little white box a few metres away from me. I went from positive thoughts about being positive to indifference to vehement denial. In less than an hour, the life I thought I had secretly craved for, that so-called long hard road to new and better beginnings, was something I wanted no part of. And I learned once again that flirting with the idea of something is always way, way more alluring in your mind’s eye. Reality, most often times than not and very much in my case, was eons away from what I wanted.

I walked to the mirror and stared hard at my reflection.

Temidire, who send you work this afternoon, ehn?!

I cursed myself for ever picking up the kit, for being alone this morning, for pricking my finger. For sitting there like a dodoyo, waiting for the test result to come out. I cursed myself for every decision I had made that led me to this point. Life would have been much easier if I had just let it be. Let life go on like it was supposed to be. And maybe one day, I would just drop and die. After all, na something go kuku kill man before, abi?

Then after the resentment, came the self-denial with its very seductive baritone (The cursing voice sounds like a very angry Yoruba woman, clapping, hooting while dropping her Hs and Is carelessly). This voice of self denial was soothing, deceitful, that one that always pushes you to do all those bad, bad things… Maybe it was wrong, I thought as I kept staring into the mirror. I couldn’t be positive. There were no signs. No weight loss, in fact I had gained a couple of pounds around the belly region over the past months. I was still as healthy as an ox. No malaria. No fever. Not even a common cold since last year. The results were probably just an error, I told myself feebly as I stepped away from the mirror.

I fell back into bed and into a restless slumber. I hoped I would wake up and it would be Saturday morning once again, so I could get a second chance to relive this day.

Written by Temi-D

37 thoughts on “The +++ Journals: Entry III

  1. Wow, Temidire one can only imagine those feelings you expressed in this post. I guess having someone to be able to rely on and talk to when things like this happen is always a good thing. They say ‘a problem shared is half solved’.
    Really nice to read about the different struggles of different positive people here. And i totally want to be called fruitcake. I love those things.

  2. Reminds me weeks back when I had the flu twice in a month after one major slip up (which by the way was amazing as I was on some 3 yrs celibacy ish) 😂😂

    Oh boy, the fear and anxiety was out of this world until I got my p24 antigen results back. My mind don settle now till after 2 months when I go do normal HIV test see whether I dey out of the woods 200%.

    Funny enough, 2 days to getting my results, I had psyched myself and was ready for dem pills if the worse happened.

  3. Dodoyo! Lol, I haven’t heard that word in a mighty long time.
    Great sense of humour if u ask me, and u ve a way of capturing ur thoughts and emotions in ways that makes them seem so so relateable, which gives a boy next door feel to ur person.

    Is it just me, or do people here just have amazing friends or what? Can I just kill yall and inherit ur friends?
    Nothing beats having having a ride till the end type of ppl around you,

    Another interesting read.

  4. That boy there sef!!
    I thought he was the strong boss when he lit a cigar last time…and again this time, but he is just a weakling!!
    If I am going to die at all cost, let me die now.
    If I am to have some more days ahead, I’d use them diligently to accomplish the rest of my life’s tasks that I can…
    If I am not certain, and I have a certain way to find out, I’d be most delighted to…!!
    That kind of suspence you zre creating for yourself sef!! I am not sure if you can survive heart problem-with or without HIV.

    • Oga jamie! So cos someone smokes, that means they are “weaklings” abi? (Kids these days!)

      My dear I will just pretend that I misunderstood ur comment to resist the urge to lite a stove, set a fry pan and some much needed vegetable oil.

      • A trend I’ve seen here…
        People defend whatever they do in real life here(whether its good or bad)
        Hoes(which is like 98% of KD) defend their promiscuous lifestyle.
        Black (burnt) cake owners/ lovers defend their own.
        People rarely comment on Mike Daemon’s podcasts (because they really don’t care about Activism)
        Etc.. You see where I’m going with this @Peak?

      • Max this your *self righteous wand* you keep flinging around these days is getting tiresome. Let it rest will you. I doubt you have met half of those on KD to even make sure ambiguous claims.

      • Nope!

        Someone made an ignorant comment, about smoking and someone else’s state of mind! Telling someone how to live/die/feel? Like really??
        A lot of folks on KD such as urself act like you know, but the truth is u don’t know HALF OF IT.

        Sound arguments and defense comes from what u know and Experiences! U don’t sit on ur “High horse” and judge ppl. u call ppl smokers and “Hoes” when u don’t know what its feels like or what motivates one to smoke or as you like to say Be a HOE! U don’t know what a day in the life a ur average Hoe/Smoker is.

        The writer is reacting like any normal humanbeing would, like I would. To call him weak for just being human, simply screams IGNORANT!!!! To me.

        I never had to be a plus size to defend them as u later found out. Just like not everyone who defend gay ppl is gay. So ur logic my dear, needs some fine tuning

      • @Peak, doesnt change the validity of my argument. People defend what they do.. Because some non-gay ppl defend gays doesnt mean it’s common. “Most’ people who defend gays are gays themselves..
        You also sit on a high horse on several occasions and judge other people, so don’t give me the “high horse” epistle pls.
        @TefOshodi, I don’t remember mentioning you in my comment, so please please please!!! I’m asking nicely, stick your big nose out of my bidniss. Thank you.

      • Max your Dont have to mention my name.. You made mention of ‘98% of Kdains’ in your statement which I think is quite wrong and ambiguous claim to make about people you haven’t even met half of.
        About your threats.. Lol Trust me! I know that YOU KNOW all that is BS IDGAF abt.. Right?

        Since Someone else is already talking some much needed sense to you.. I’ll rather take a back seat and watch.

      • Actually, Jamie was saying the opposite of what you understood. He imagined the writer was a “strong boss” because he lights up cigarettes as easy Deola fixes his tea.

        To him smoking is a sign of strength, hence he had issues understanding the OP’s weak state.

      • @Peak, doesnt change the validity of my argument. People defend what they do.. Because some non-gay ppl defend gays doesnt mean it’s common. “Most’ people who defend gays are gays themselves..
        You also sit on a high horse on several occasions and judge other people, so don’t give me the “high horse” epistle pls.
        @TefOshodi, I don’t remember mentioning you in my comment, so please please please!!! I’m asking nicely, stick your big nose out of my bidniss. Thank you….

    • @JSU he though he was a boss when it was lite the 1st time. Then he is lite a second one! Then the weakling analysis came in. So he had me confused at that point, which is why I left room to acknowledge that I misunderstood what he meant!
      At the end of the day, jamie thinks a relationship exists beteween the writers smoking habits and his state of mind, which probably led him to deduce that he is a “weakling”. Either way u slice it, I find the comment in poor taste and offensive.

  5. Thank you Temi-D
    I’m tempted to tell you all the swt words and tell you all you want to hear but the truth is.. It’s never gonna be easy your journey.. And I won’t even pretend to assume I know how it feels to have HIV. But I know it’s a tough tough journey. The Goodnews however is that
    “The power to overcome and live a happily ever after kinda life is in your hands*
    Shalom!

    • Do we have ourselves a new Chris here?! Trust me if you go on like this.. You won’t last on here.

      #JustSaying 😊

  6. Lol….seems like I got on the nerves of the oga at the top…or is it spambot this time….my harmless observation just got deleted….hahahahahahaha

  7. You see, I don’t have any problem with, and am willing to support anyone who has decided to take up the proffession of a cook if I have the opportunity to, cos personally, I like food…
    It is my duty to write, and just to write. I am not a teacher, not yet.
    I don’t come to KD packed full/swelling profusely with emotional problens, ready to pounce on and attack somebody.
    So I am just going to cross my legs now, and hope that things will change by tomorrow…and for good!

  8. Literature is meant to be appreciated…and cos an African christian doesn’t fancy Eugene of Purple Hibiscus, I am sure that Chimamanda Adichie wouldn’t feel her personaliy threatened in any way.

  9. Sorry, I meant, cos an African Traditionalist doesn’t fancy Eugene, and an African christian doesn’t fancy aunty Amaka in Purple Hibiscus either, doesn’t mean that Chimamanda should feel threatened in any way. Who goes crying or suing people to court that a character in their literature whom they adore is not so loved by another???

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