I REMEMBER

sad-black-manFOREWORD: The following is a work of fiction, written by Masked Man and dedicated to all those who have experienced the loss of loved ones.

*

I remember vividly the very beginning. How it all began. I remember it all like it just happened yesterday. Memories etched in beautiful innocence. And every single time, it gives me a feeling of déjà vu.

An 18yr old naïve fresher on campus – that was me back then.  I arrived early to commence registration and get a place in the hostel before it gets all taken. Yes, it was hell of a tough day. As I struggled with my baggage through the door, into the room I was assigned to, my eyes beheld you for the first time. You were standing by the window, clad in black denim jeans and a grey V-neck top. Your slim figure and average height was a nice match. I remember that first smile you flashed at me. It affected me instantly. When you smiled it, it was with all frankness, like one could see your soul through that priceless smile. I still don’t forget how you came over and introduced yourself as Funsho.  

Funsho, I still don’t know how we got so close and did almost everything together. We studied, ate, bathed, walked and even argued together. You weren’t like the other roommates. It felt like we’d known each other for a long time before we met, like we spent our pre-lives together, in space. I liked the fact that you were five years older. I felt protected, secured.

I felt connected to you, Funsho. I really did. But I remember hiding it from you, the fact that I liked boys. Maybe you noticed, but you never said a word about it. You never mentioned that I was soft-spoken like other people were too quick to notice. To you alone, I wasn’t effete. My insecurities disappeared whenever I was with you. I was free to be myself and not put up an act.

I began feeling things for you. The way you smiled and talked. The aura of elegance that radiated around you when you walked. The ease with which you did press-ups and sit-ups every morning.  The Mohawk you loved to wear. Your naked body each time you were dressing for lectures. I loved to watch you sleep late in the evening after classes, and longed to simply lay my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat.

I remember it all like yesterday, how you’d come looking for me at my department so we could go home together. You were that caring. The chatter and laughter as we walked back to the hostel together. I remember how alone I felt during the first school break. I missed you greatly and couldn’t deny it. Yet, I couldn’t muster the courage to tell you how you made me feel. I was silent, but it was the silence of a thousand words and a million emotions painted through the brush sticks that was my body language. And I hoped it was a painting bright enough for you to see.

We still maintained our rooms in the second year. I couldn’t be happier. You even bought me a pair of jeans that semester and I remember wearing them almost every day. You made me feel so relevant and complete. I often dreamt about us. How we would cuddle and kiss and make out in my dreams. I usually woke up from these dreams, my briefs wet and slimy. I was suffering within. But I was happy that it was for you I suffered. I wanted to tell you on several occasions, but my courage was far buried beneath the catacombs of my desires.

This went on for weeks, till I could take it no longer. I didn’t care what would happen. I loved you dearly, and I wanted to say it. Hopefully you’d feel the same way too. It was a risk I was willing to take, knowing that things could go wrong.

I remember it, the glow and spark in your eyes as you listened to what I had to say. And when I said it, the “I love you, Funsho” felt like a large rock had been rolled off my chest. I felt bolder, and I continued telling you how I felt.

I will never forget your reaction – your quiet demeanour and calm repose. You sat on the reading table as I spoke and you listened attentively. And when I finished speaking, you smiled that smile again, like when I first saw you in the room. You walked over to me, cupped my face in your palms, kissed me passionately, and said, “I love you too.”

It was like a dream being fulfilled before my eyes.

Tears rolled down my face, washing away the pain I’d cried with every trickle. It felt like a Walt Disney romance in 3D. You told me you’d begun to feel something strong for me over time. I felt so complete. I remember the hugging, and the kissing, the undressing, the smooching, the moans, the fellatios, the teasing and stroking, the ripping off of innocence, the lovemaking, the passion, the climax – it was the happiest I’d felt in my loveless life. I was with the man I loved. A feeling of utmost pleasure and satisfaction stayed with me.

I remember we played in bed beneath the sheets after that blissful lovemaking. The radiance of splendid brilliance which only true love can give glowed on our faces. We explored our bodies, and looked in each other’s eyes. We swore love and faithfulness. And we never wanted the moment to end. You were mine, and I was yours. You had me, and I had you.

Then we got hungry, and decided to go out of campus, to an eatery, to celebrate our love. We dressed and soon, we were on a bike headed into town.

And then suddenly, it happened.

When I woke up, I felt pain all over. I was in a hospital. I’d been stitched in many places that I feared to count. Thankfully, there was no fracture. My head was achy. Friends around said a car had hit us from behind, and that I had passed out a whole day. Memories rushed in, like the Mt Everest avalanche.

“Where’s Funsho… We were together?” I remember screaming out in sudden panic.

And then, I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t cry. I lay back and stared into nothingness. And the smile, your infectious smile filled my vision. I think I felt a pinch of insanity. I couldn’t believe what was said. It couldn’t be true. How dare they joke with such? But there was sadness in their faces. Sorrow and melancholy hung in the air, like a veil on a bride’s face. It was true.

“He hit his head on the pavement and died on the spot.”

But why did you die and I didn’t? Didn’t we swear love together? How was I supposed to cope? All the promises we swore were just…gone? I could not believe it. Memories of us haunted my sanity.

I refused to go back to the room. I just couldn’t. The room where we had just loved each other… No way! I holed up with a friend. I was inconsolable. I hated myself. I was responsible for your death. My love had caused your death. Maybe if I had kept quiet, we wouldn’t have had any need to leave the campus. I was miserable. Was my love a curse? Why did it have to be me? I never found answers, and slowly, my heart began to wither away.

I remember you funeral, the end of your mortal life. I still have mental pictures of it, that brown polished wood that enclosed your remains. I wondered how you looked in it, if you still had that smile. I saw the tears in everybody’s eyes, and wondered if they felt as miserable as I was. But I was too broken to cry out tears. The pain that pierced my soul was just too much to express in tears. I thought of this illusion called Life, and what it has brought me. I thought of you in your grey V-neck and dark denim jeans, and I remembered that smile that first day. I remembered every other day, and I remembered the last day. And as you were lowered into the muddy earth, I lowered that thing called a heart, and buried it along with that thing called love back into the catacombs.

Funsho, two years have passed since then. Standing here in this cemetery, looking over your tomb still gives me creepy feelings. I’ve not defeated the guilt; I’ve lived with it every single day. I still blame myself. My injuries have healed. But the scars, I’ll forever carry them. They will serve as a reminder of our love. The love that ended before it could begin. I’ll forever carry you in my heart. I hope I find a way to forgive myself and move on. I hope you forgive my love too. Love shall remain an emotion that I once knew.

I still remain yours. Femi.

WRITER’S NOTE: This is dedicated to everyone who’s lost that special somebody. To those who are still haunted by the past. To those who still don’t know how to move on. To those who don’t want to believe in love again. To those who are still feeding their future happiness to the regrets of yesterday.

Pull yourself together. There’s light ahead, at the next bend.

Written by Masked Man

69 thoughts on “I REMEMBER

  1. Nice write up. I haven’t been in love , but I can imagine this love.

    To all those who have been heart broken, lost a loved one , may love never depart from you.

  2. This is the kind of piece that makes me inflamed when some guys (both straight and gay) scoff at the idea of guys falling in love with guys. As though matters of the heart are strictly heterosexual. Love is a beautiful and sometimes heartwrenching thing, and it cuts across both sexualities.
    This write-up just drew a tear from me. Thanks, MM.

  3. To all who has lost a dear one be it friends or family, I hope and pray you all move on and be happy.

    Nicely written @MM.

  4. Oh gawd ! Why did I have this horrible feeling at the beginning this won’t end well….and it didn’t. Good things truly don’t last….y’all be making me cry this morning. Fuck you death !!!

  5. God, the eternal king of glory Jah Jehovah El-Shaddai, knows that I will not be myself if I hear that anybody I was ever so deeply attached to emotionally dies. In fact, at one time, my prayer point used to be “Lord, please protect every guy I have ever fucked with especially those ones that I wouldn’t mind having an encore with. Lord, please guide them”. And till this date, all is still alive and well. Maybe it is just the low body count, I’ll rather it remains that way.

  6. OMG!!! I couldn’t get to finish reading the piece as it’s bringing back some memories.

    Sorry about what happened to Funsho, am sure he’s in a better place now. *sigh am officially gonna be sober on KD today.

    Great piece MM

  7. I lost someone too! A long time ago, I still think parts of me was buried with him. There was a bike and a truck and that was the end.

    One day I will write that story, I am just afraid of writing it!

    MM the sun will shine again, it did for me. Not as brightly as before, but sun all the same

  8. The thought of losing a loved one to the cold hands of death is unbearable. Words can’t really console a bereaved. The mere fact that the date of death of your beloved Funsho is very significant to some landmark events in my life makes me feel more uneasy. You have cherished the memory of this guy for 2yrs. I’m sure he wants you to be happy. You have to move on but please keep respecting his memory by extending his type of reassuringly beautiful smile to others,friends and foes alike who need them. Lastly,if you believe that life starts after death, take solace in the hope that you will meet him on the other side of eternity on the right side of God. Please take heart.

  9. wow!!! my imaginations keeps me weary.And my love story is still in question.(COULD THIS BE LOVE?)like the Nollywood would have it…

  10. Hmmm
    MM come take hug 1st.
    Was surprised when I read the name of the writer, my mind went “MM bawo”

    I’m clueless about what you felt or what you lost, but I felt the intensity of it all in ur writing.

    • Fiction, Peak. Admin says its fiction. Oh for goodness sake. PP, five us a forewarning, so our hearts won’t finish breaking before the end of the day. *sniff sniff*

    • Mandy shebi if I begin swear for PP now, KD ppl go say I sabi take something personal. Which kind rough play be this one for this kind early mormor? Issok continue

      Me sef do double take when I see MM as the writer. I talk am na! The love 2 sweet biko, so tey e begin taya me until we reach side way tragedy take happen.

      No offense MM but u have never sounded like the “ije love kind of guy” to ne (I may be wrong oooo) #justsaying

      • You can’t stay from afar and determine if a pear is ripe or not.
        Peak, get rid of such conclusions.

  11. Pinky!!! You bitch!!!, mind yasef ooooo, always give a disclaimer…… There’s so much tragedy my heart can take and Shonda Rhimes has already destroyed most of it.

  12. Absolutely heartbreaking, yet beautifully written. I am glad you found happiness together even if it was for a very short time, your memories will last forever. I too lost someone, it happened the day we were about to reconnect, and I never really got the closure I was striving for. I understand your pain. Thank you for sharing this. Gia x

  13. Wow!
    I was literally moved to tears by this piece Masked Man!
    It really Hurts when you Lose that Special Person but after all the Mourning and Withdrawal, you need to put yourself Out there once Again.
    Sure it may be difficult but I’m pretty sure they would want you to be Happy.
    So get over your Fear and Sadness and Throw yourself into the mix once again.

  14. It just reminds me of the tears I shed every night for losing the one I’ve loved for years not to the hands of death though. I take solace in your consolation. there’s light at the end of the tunnel

  15. Only five words came to my mind as I read this ‘I wanna love like this’….

    @MM I know this is fiction, but i can conclude from it that you’re a romantic… 🙂 …. Good to know!

  16. I knew it was fiction @ the beginning, thanks for the disclaimer
    and i still remember at the end say na story….story.

      • @Dennis, you need to be fixed. You’re a broken porcelain doll.
        You need a special exorcism session.
        Pinky will bring the necessary items for the exorcism.

      • Max, I don’t know how you believe in love so much.
        Am still hoping to catch such zeal.

      • @Masked man… I’ve felt it.. More than once, so I know.
        But when you’re broken, it blocks you from feeling much or anything at all.
        You have to give up something to experience love. You can’t love and be sensible at the same time, there’s nothing logical about being in love.
        If you’re not ready to give up control, you can’t be in love.

      • Yeah.Thats why its easier to fall in love when you’re younger. When you can afford to lose control. The older you get, the more control you have, which is good for life in general, but bad for love.

  17. Reading through this my tots were **This kinda love only happens in movies.. Get over yourselves people.** But then I found out it’s fiction.

    Touching Tho.

  18. I envy Femi.

    I have actually felt love like this. He was my first and only love, unfortunately he is not gay and I was unable to tell him how I felt. He just stopped talking to me…..we grew apart…or he grew apart…he is the only person I have ever loved and I have not loved anyone after him. He is 5 years younger and no longer in the country.

  19. Wow this story is so…..how will I put this now…its so touching(I’m having so any emotions going thru me right now)

  20. So u peeps didn’t read the foreword but just jumped to the story,how una take dey pass 4 school?nice one dude*reapplying mascara,sniffs*

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