STITCHES AND BRITCHES

stitches and britchesAll my life, I have tried to understand the world of fashion. I have tried to understand why I shouldn’t wear brown and black together (I refuse to use the word ‘can’t’ here), but it seems to be a mortal sin by some people’s standards). I have tried to get the drift of colour blocking, layering and every other fashion trend that has made it to the forefront every year. I have tried to know the importance of why a large buckled belt is more suitable for my jeans than my simple black thin belt. I really have tried, but in the class of fashion and style, I seem to always sit in the dunce corner with my cone-shaped hat steadily on…and that’s just men’s fashion.

So, imagine my absolute incredulity when I woke up on Tuesday morning to see my BBM and Instagram timelines flooded with images from the Met Gala. It has to be said that this annual event is really a fundraiser for the benefit of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute, and it heralds the beginning of the exhibition for that year. So in line with this, there is a running theme every year; and guess what? China was served this year. In spades! No one asked how much was raised o…not at all! It was all about who wore what.

Let it be noted that I’m a very gay man who is not confused about his sexuality in any way. But I’m far from the stereotype of the fashionable gay man who’s also a good cook and has OCD. In fact, as I type this, I realize how far I am. I wear mostly natives, just so no one calls me out on any fashion blunder (most of my fashionista friends regard this as safe). I absolutely hate the kitchen, and piled on top of that is that I’m a terrible cook. And my bedroom looks like an earthquake or tsunami has just taken place (Nepal anyone? Or is it too early for that joke?). Alongside all this, I do love men, the male form and its intricacies, I love RuPaul’s Drag Race, I love house and techno music…in fact, every other thing a gay man is supposed to love, I love. Fashion, culinary and home management skills have just proven to be ethereal sons of bitches that I can’t seem to pin down.

So, back to my timeline on Tuesday morning: first thing I saw was Rihanna’s…erm…duvet? Jacket? Cape? Aha…a cape? Oh wow! Cape! That’s what we’re calling that? Pretty interesting! So, I saw it and all the memes that followed, and boy, did I have a laugh! So, there was Rihanna, dressed in that yellow ‘cape’, looking like she meant business. Honestly, where my sympathies lay were with those full grown men who had to help her lift it as she moved on the red carpet. Obviously, practicality flies out of the window while dressing up for this event (I can never forget Beyoncé’s straitjacket gown from a couple of years ago – Jay Z and her stylist practically had to lift her like a mannequin).

I hereby take a stand. Nne, if you cannot move in whatever attire you’ve chosen to wear, your business! I no gree carry person, abi gown, abi anyone in between…I no gree ooooo!

Then followed the fashion critics and their observations; they jumped on Rihanna’s cape (since you guys say that’s what that is) with gusto. Applause from all corners and even more people coming up with the word ingenuous… Oh wow! Ok! Fair enough! At this point, I was almost scared to share my honest opinion, but with you, my dear family, how can I hold back? Wetin? Ingenuous ke? Rihanna looked like she just woke up and dragged the duvet along with her, and then when her French maid, Colette, screamed after her, “Mademoiselle Bad Gal Riri, you’re dragging the duvet along with you!”, she looked down, saw it, shrugged defiantly and said, “It’s the Met Gala, anything goes, the Rihanna Navy will lap it up.” If you doubt that this conversation took place, check out her nightie underneath the duvet (are we still going with the cape theory?).

Next up from Planet Starlet was the sister who’s known more for blood ties than her music. According to the fashion pundits, Solange’s dress is known as a Metallic Bloom dress. Hian! Metallic bloom cha?! All I could see was something that would be next to impossible to sit in, and a danger to her life as she won’t be able to see oncoming traffic; if trailer come jam am now, wetin we go talk? Besides, why would anyone want to wear a dress that won’t allow you see what’s going on right in front of you? Of course, the Jay Z fans were very happy about this, as their king’s head wouldn’t be getting a drop chop landed on it. Besides, she has a husband now, she’s probably a lot happier and content (and getting a lot more sex), so everyone can stay in their homes and mind their own marriages.

Enter Alicia Keys and Lady Gaga… Even I had to agree with all the people that lumped them in the worst dressed category. I think it’s bigger news that both of them arrived without their other halves, but still, those get-ups were not leaving anyone in the throes of ecstasy. Even Mama Amarachi aka Madam Pope aka The Woman with the White Hat very nearly tried it with that her dress, but seeing as I’m a huge Scandal fan, I’ll let it go. ‘Baby doll gone bad’ is all I will say, although a lot of people loved it; I wish they can show me this thing they see that makes up great fashion. As for Kris Jenner… *sigh* No words!

Our tweens weren’t left out. Vanessa Hudgens, Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez tried to set the red carpet on fire, but they were eclipsed by way bigger stars, way bigger than they could take on. Interesting thing though was Justin Beiber’s jacket, and him being heralded as the Best Dressed Male on that red carpet. I’m happy for him; he really has come a long way from jeans, sneakers, back-facing face caps and his chicken voice singing: “Baby, Baby, Baby, oooooohhhh…”

When ndi nwe obodo arrived, even I knew it while I was asleep, with the collective sighs that went up in the air at the same time everywhere in the world. First off was Sarah Jessica Parker. She came and took the Chinese cake home with that headpiece; even I stopped doing what I was doing long enough to stare. People have energy, honestly! Can I state here that I love Sex And The City, but I can’t stand SJP. I don’t think she’s as fashionable as people make her out to be. Outlandish? Yes, but not fashionable. I think there’s just too much fuss made about her.

Then came the Big Booty Trio: Kim Kardashian, in her dress that looked like the white version of Beyoncé’s black-and-blue creation two years ago. In fact, the minute I saw it, I said, “Ahn-ahn! Hasn’t this been worn before?” But it’s like one major fashion designer said, “There’s nothing new in fashion, just recycled.” Now, I believe it. Then there was Jennifer Lopez. She was my Best Dressed all around. I expect that was Versace she had on, as Donatella was holding on to her for dear life on that red carpet, lest another designer be given credit for the dress. Of course, Beyoncé had to come late, which I hear has become a trend with her, and everyone was scratching the walls with their fingernails, waiting to see their queen show her face. Of course, the Bey-hive gave her Best Dressed. Hear it for someone on my TL: “Because I know how difficult it is to walk with sheer fabric and putting all of those beads on it in those strategic places couldn’t have been easy.” Well, I wonder what the response would have been if, say, Keri Hilson had worn that dress, or perhaps Ashanti. You’re laughing now, aren’t you? You’re seeing the savage comments that would follow, aren’t you? The BBT (Big Booty Trio) of course had to give us side booty flashes; it’s funny how we’ve become accustomed to the theory that you haven’t shown your butt if there’s no visible butt crack, or shown your boobs if the nipple is hidden.

Taraji P. Henson and Gabrielle Union showed up in classic clothes and were beaten with fashion’s biggest whip that’s meted out when you commit the most heinous of fashion crimes – the Whip of Safety and Simplicity. According to my friend (who is usually on life support during the Met Gala until the red carpet brings him back to life – don’t ask, story for another day), his indignation was founded on this: “How dare they? But Lothario, really, how dare they? This year’s theme was China. You could have gone to the farthest reaches of the earth with that theme. China is an excuse for dramatic fashion, why would they do that?” Of course, at this point I was most scared of admitting that if I was a Hollywood star, I probably would have turned up in a gown not too far from what the above mentioned wore; you see when someone is foaming at the mouth, you probably should stare straight ahead and nod in agreement, or end up dealing with decapitation…or worse.

All in all, it was a good show. I had fun with the memes and everyone’s silliness at taking these events so personally. Would have been fun to see what Lupita would have churned out this year after last year’s basket dress, but with the recent spate of xenophobia in South Africa, and with white people thinking that all of Africa is one country, she probably wasn’t invited this year as they were scared she would set Zendaya on fire, upset that she was taking all of her business away.

At the end of the day, this is just my unpopular opinion. Don’t take it to heart. Cheers!

Written by Lothario

53 thoughts on “STITCHES AND BRITCHES

  1. Lothario lol

    I sha agree that your bedroom looks like a tsunami went through it.

    Oya where is john rivers abi john ocean, hafa your own na?

  2. I only learned of the Met Gala for the first time in my life last week. Sorry.

    And now, the fun of this piece is lost without accompanying pictures; we don’t get to see the dresses you’re reviewing.

    Nice sha…

  3. This dude went in tho. Lol
    – The Met gala is a “costume” gala, if there is any carpet where you should make fashion statements (risks however), it’s on the met red carpet
    – I personally liked Rihanna in that Guo Pei number, that piece is pure Chinese couture and she was wearing the life out of that number, and true to the theme
    – Beyoncé just wore what Ricardo Tisci made for her, for Givenchy Beyoncé is sold.
    – Solange is a fashion girl no doubt and her personal style is one of the most talked about in recent times. Now in that Giles piece, she didn’t disappoint.
    – SJP is one of the most stylish women in Hollywood, I mean her knowledge of fashion and trends is too Impeccable, Alexander McQueen would be rolling over in his grave at ur disbelief. She is fashion. Just ask Mr Talley
    – Actually we haven’t seen Kim Kardashians dress before (beats me as to why we are comparing) that dress is a Peter Dundas first since returning to Roberto Cavalli. No designer would wanna have his first creation called a replica.
    – Nice of you to not speak ill of J.lo in Versace, nobody speaks ill of Donatella! lol
    -I forgive Taraji , seeing as it was her first time to the gala
    – Anna Wintour (and a few of her staff members) compile the guest list each year, it’s in my knowledge that they choose celebrities to attend the gala (which is a fundraiser) based on their importance in the last one year I.e celebrities who had buzz in the past one year, other ways is if you have a top notch publicist or if you buy the ticket which starts from 25k dollars. Now Lupita had mega buzz from 2013-2014. let’s have the presumed success of her Star Wars role as another way she’ll have buzz from now till next year. Plus Lupita is good frnds with Ms Wintour.

    • Finally someone who knows his fashion not the joke that this piece is about. Nice one MMM, u know ur Met Gala

      And the theme was “China through the looking Glass”

      Dear writer.

      U are forgiven just cos u know nothing about fashion cos this ur opinion is a fashion sacrilege.

    • I just feel like someone had to pay google a long visit for this comment. It screams ‘Notice me’ to me. #JustSaying. I just hope you are making big bucks in the Nigerian fashion industry if you truly know about hollywood fashion this much .

  4. Ya’ll can go feed your eyes and return to give us your take.
    Here’s the link-http://www.elle.com/fashion/news/g26216/2015-met-gala-looks/?

  5. Personally I think Beyonce’s dress is the best.
    Mama Kardashian looks like a 200yr old resurrected corpse in whatever she was wearing..
    Miss Pope committed a felony- wearing pink ball gown.. But because I love Kerry so Much, I’ll let her off with a warning
    Rihana- No words. She works her outfits with confidence..
    SJP- 😂😂😂😂.. I didn’t know Chinese Masquerades came in red&black .. She looks ridiculous.
    Solanje- she looks like she’s trapped behind a wall of dress.
    Jennifer Lawrence, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and What’s that high skl musical girl’s name…ummmmm Vanessa.. <<All epic fails..
    Anne Hathaway- Hello Valkyrie..
    Jennifer Lopez.- Nice booty
    Jennifer Lawrence- girl common… She looks like she just got the IV 5 minutes to the show and she was like oh well.. Went to a store and stole a dress from a mannequin without even checking herself in the mirror
    Taraji- disappointing
    Gaga- well, I didn't expect anything more.
    All others are just there…

    • Beyonce slayed it. The whole world actually stopped when she waltzed in. She nearly crashed twitter. Okay, it’s not a new thing for her to crash social media.

      As for Riri bad gurl, she keyed into the theme by wearing a Chinese designer couture. But she was overly dressed. The cape didn’t do it for me. It’s not even a cape it’s a blanket. Google up Rihanket.

      My three best were Beyonce, Justin Bieber’s Jacket, and Selena Gomez. Her simplicity wowed me.

  6. Someone said all those beads on Beyonce’s dress are the broken CDs of Keri Hilson’s career. Jesus Wept!! 😭😭

    Personally I did not like her dress, come on, she is mother! Her child would probably grow up with the idea that she is filthy rich and the entire universe has seen her mother’s ass

    As for Solange, she should go into a full time job and just being Beyonce’s sister.

    And Kim K?? Having sex 500 times a day with Kanye is really paying off. As my mother always says “Ara adara adago. Ukwu adara adago”

  7. Hahahahahahaha! Lothario really went to town with this one.

    Can’t wait to hear John Oceans’ take on this shaa

  8. So Lothario is another of the wilfully ignorant on this blog. None of your criticisms betrays any knowledge of fashion, art, style, or how clothes are made. Did you research the influences of the various designers, the theme of the evening, or how each dress was made and what it means?

    You seem to generally make claims about stuff you don’t know. Have you heard Solange’s music? Do you know what the artistic influences she melds in here music are? We should’t expect any better – you’re a self proclaimed Philistine. Next time stick to discussing your corner tailor and Native designers – though I’m sure you couldn’t even identify the origins and contexts of the native clothes you wear.

    • Chuck, you are being more than a little undeservedly harsh. This was supposed to be his humorous take on the event. Plus, he did admit he is not a fashionable person. So throwing throwing your attack in his face was kinda redundant.

      • It’s not that humorous. And he slips and starts actually giving non humorous opinions about art once he stops talking about Rihanna. See his ideas on Solange, SJP etc . There’s no humorous conceit there – he’s actually saying what he thinks about them

      • Lol…..really? Sorry you forgot to laugh.
        I even asked nicely at the end, please don’t take it to heart.

    • Oh-uh! Someone is butt hurt. Sorry, the mail man forgot to send you the memo that this shouldn’t be taken seriously.

      • Seriously or not, he still betrays his ignorance. Take criticism rather than pretending it isn’t true or relevant.

  9. Rihanna looked like she just woke up and dragged the duvet along with her, and then when her French maid, Colette, screamed after her, “Mademoiselle Bad Gal Riri, you’re dragging the duvet along with you!”,

    Ok, that conversation is hilarious. I actually reenacted it, like a short film, in my head, and had a good laugh.

  10. I will be doing a lil schooling while we wait for john rivers.

    The met gala has a theme each year, this year’s theme is “china through the looking glass”. The whole Idea is to follow the theme, right? I mean why go through the head of organizing a black tie even and have ppl show up in blazers or iro and buba? Moving on, some notable stars kept to the them, solange, gaga, SJP, rihanna, fan bingbing, justin beiber just to mention a few. Some just didn’t bother with the theme e.g beyonce, kim.k usher along with all the other men and their tux. Gabrielle union. Teraji ghetto ass P. Handerson.

    Don’t care what no body says, Rihanna shut and burned those met gala stairs and carpet down period. You ve to be a DIVA of the 1st order to be able a rock a 400 pound (weight) fur coat and slay every basic bitch and their mothers all over the galaxy, while twisting and turning so the paps can get all the angles. For those of you who don’t know, thats how you multi task. The dress is guo pei couture creation which she found online while surfing the web, and its a royal outfit. The color is a royal color in china. And she looked like royalty. A huge dress like that has a way of messing u up and wear u instead of the other way around. Her make up and headpieces were on deck. The only thing I’m not a fan of is that hair! She could ve gone for a long jet black hair and arrange in a grecian style. The make up is amazing.

    Solo did real good. She knows her fashion so no major surprise there. Love love the mini dress. Very dramatic and has this dark, mysterious but playful vibe to it.

    Zandaya coleman. The little princess of fashion did good as always. Kept to the theme, managed to keep to tlook simple and elegant while doing so.

    SJP is a fashion goddess but she just looked like the white version of “Iya emere” in her get up. From the color and design of the dress to its head piece, everything just creamd No!!!!!

    Gaga did well too, but I will need her to stay away from those burgers and fries. She has never been a screen beauty so I wasnt expecting anything special from

    FKA twigs had an intersying dress on. One of my favorite dress on the carpet tbh. She could ve done something more interesting with the hair though. It was all about the dress and the artistic design of the fabric. I love all the hands and legs at play on the dress.

    Kerry Washington will get a pass for that Disney princess dress of hers. She has been good in the past. She failed this time. Her look is best suited for the sags, emmys or glad awards or whatever. But that green and pink combo is just diving. Just wrong outfit at the wrong place.

    Fan bingbing had one of most unique and beautiful look on the carpet but ppl arent really talking about. Kept to the theme.

    Now lets talk about the rebels

    Beyonce! Hmmm 1st of all I love her whole look. But lets face it, I ve seen beyonce on stage several times on stage with this kind of dress. The only differnce is that this one is the gown edition. Her make up was on deck cos our dear bey looked young and beautiful. Her face wasn’t looking beat or looking like a drag. Its the best she has looked in a mighty long time and that snached oneside ponytail (ghetto) gave her an edgy feel to her look. For the Grammys, this would ve slayed lives and restore balance to the universe, but for the met gala and its theme? Mba. B4 all the beyhives here get out of control, 2 ppl ve already called ur queen out for her thieving and copying ways. Khia(one hit wonder female rapper) and a serbian pip diva. So yall might wana check that out too.

    Kim K tried it with her look. Clearly that was beys look 2 or 3 years ago at the same damn event. Lol when she payed homage to cher who actually wore the same dress to her 1st met gala ages ago. So I guess bey didn’t get the look 1st cos there is proof that cher wore a dress like that for her 1st ever met gala.

    Jlo. I swear to god I love jlo and her style but she needs to let go of all the nude look and mesh dresses. She use to slay effortlessly but her style game is looking tired and repeated. She is too safe with her fashion choices, fashion is about taking risk, pushing envelop and boundaries. Not wearing thesame cloths with little alterations. I mean u are jlo for gods sake, ppl still talk about that gravity defying versace dress u wore to the 2000 gammys till this day.

    Justine had and intresting suit on, usher made me fall in love again looking like an almighty pimp, miguel had a well fitted suit but the color and fitting screamed fairy
    Chris jenna showed up looking like elvis presley.

    Dear writer fashion is all about pain, creative thinking and risk taking. If those ingredents are missing? Then u are just playing dress up

  11. Okay y’all need to chill. To me this was a parody piece! He was poking fun at fashion and the event, just laugh and move on if you find it funny.

    He did indicate he is not fashionable, so just take the comedy and laugh. Now even about criticing fashion, there is no standard opinion. The whole world plus allnthe fashion bloggers may like something and I dont like it, doesnt make them better than me. I am entitled to like or not like, sometimes we act like a voice spoke from heaven and said what is in right now and what is not.

    This was hilarious and i laughed really hard reading it

  12. Events like this makes me miss Joan of blessed memory, hopefully, John Rivers will do justice. Some people here know their fashion oh! See thesis and analysis.

  13. Maybe some of us need to check the defintiion of the word parody?

    There was really nothing funny about the post and while the writer might argue that it’s merely his opinion, a rule of thumb seems to have been developed on this blog that some opinions are so egregious that they need to be corrected/called out as ignorant.

    Philistinism and ignorance are nothing to be proud of.

    • Marius pls ensure to check ur mail cos I just mailed u a kiss.

      Its fashion honey!! There are things u just don’t joke about.

      I need to check myself cos everybody found something to laugh about, but I couldn’t find one thing to crack a smile about.

      Oh well! Still waiting for john rivers and he better not disappoint cos I’m gonna personally fry him if dare comes short.

      • While u have done well in ur analysis, this was actually supposed to be a humorous piece. It was more in the Nigerian expressions of criticising than the actual criticism in itself. All the fashion terms and talk he used went way over my head and truth be told, at the baseline a dress/garment to me is ‘BEAUTIFUL. I WANNA WEAR THIS’, ‘WTF IS THIS??’ or ‘REGULAR’.

        But my own question, seeing as u seem to know ur fashion, if the theme was ‘China through a looking glass’, is the whole dress thingy supposed to be literal with all d guests in the trado-modern chinese get-up OR figurative, with the guests looking as fragile as a ‘I-may-be-hard-but-don’t-touch-me-lest-I-break’ china? Because even ur pass marks may fail on both counts. So think on that and read this a purely Nigerianised ‘wafi’ piece

        OAN, Rihana’s piece was traditional n lovely, but we all know the Chinese used less of colors like that and so bordered on garish. But its my opinion. *shrugs&

      • @trystham I’m not knocking off the fact that the piece was suppose to be funny, I even made fun of myself for not finding anything funny about it. Asking if I ve a problem, maybe my tone is off, but thats how I felt. Its a theme, doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be followed through and through, you can incorporate elements of the theme into ur outfit without going full scale china. Justine beiber did it wonderful. Another person that did so that I forgot to mention is janelle monae. She didn’t go traditional china get up, but she managed to keep it urban and fresh with small detail of Chinese inspired design that you could easily miss. geisha dress or kimono dress come to mind when I read china. Katy perry and madonna had dressed that has this urban/street chinese prints on them. They looked nice but nothing memorable. I can throw a party and say its a native theme. As a nigerian u and I know there are tons of fabrics to choose from and some of the styling would come in skirt and blouse as opposed to they typical native styling. At the end of the day na nigerian native inspired theme with different arrays of fabric and style. Fashion is very fluid and evolves at a fast pace. All fashionista are expected to push and bring their A game. Trust me there are cloths u don’t wear to the oscars, golden globe or grammies or they would be labelled inappropriate regardless of how amazing you look in them. The met gala is a fund raising Fashion Extravaganza! You are expected to show out! Every fashion designer has a theme for every collection. Just close ur eyes and imagine how some of the cloths u saw at the gala fit into the theme and u would ve a better understand.

        Going by ur glass and being fragile idea, the one person that did it well is Jlo with the red dragon dess with the rest being mesh. My frustration with Jlo is that I ve seen one too many mesh, ball or prom gowns on her. She did good but as a fashion icon I expect her to push the envelope and stop playing safe with her fashion. Bey and her dress has nothing to do with glass. I love that look! Tbh thats look is one of the highlight of her red carpet moments EVER. But lets face it, if u cut that dress from the hip area away, following the V shape of sequence covering her V-zone, u would ve her stage ready in her usual leotard.

        Actually the color of rih dress is for Chinese royalty, u can google it if u like. Like india, china, japan and co ve a lot of bright colors in their fashion and tradition. But hey! We all don’t ve to agree. Apologies though if I went too far. The Met gala is slowly becoming something to look forward to. The Grammys use to do that 4 me. Ok lemme shurup.

  14. I simply laughed my ass off when i saw Rihanna’s dress. Reminded me of one of those times we would go for vigils when i was younger and my mum would say to me, “Brian, it’ll be cold tonight and there’ll be lots of mosquitoes, you should bring your coverlet along with you”.

  15. Smh. Guyz, you need to chill. The dude admitted over and over again his utter cluelessness about fashion. You don’t need to remind him. Why shd u get offended over who thinks what about which star wore what at a gala happening in far away America? I mean you can disagree. But abeg e neva reach to vex. That fact that the writer wasn’t being serious is enough reason for you not to take his comments seriously!

  16. Rotfl…Ahem, why was Nicki minaj left out??,she out to be the mother of the occasion, or at least among the “big butt trio”…rihanna’s cape tho!, she looked like a fabric shop!…Jay only wished madam solange would miss a step and fall down the stairs and probably die,else how dare she wear CATASTROPHE to that event??.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s