It’s a bit annoying how you mention going out with a friend to have a good time to someone else, and they ask if you guys fucked. And I’m like, ‘No! We didn’t fuck! Yes I have a sex life, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to get into the pants of anything that moves.’ It’s even more annoying when they go along the lines of “But he’s a guy na, and you’re a guy, and he’s gay…” You’ve basically reduced my gay life to being just all about sex.
Some people you just cross the bridge of not having sex and becoming very wonderful friends. Of course, when you’re drunk or something, it might happen. But it’s not part of your plan for your relationship with them. You’re not friends with benefits. You’re just friends. I’ve got people like that, people that are just friends. I might have initially found one or two of them attractive, but as time went on, they just became like brothers (or sisters, Lol) to me.
I hung out with one such friend from Sunday till Thursday. And it was awesome! I had so much fun. And being back in my room in Ibadan made me realise how quiet my life really was.
That Sunday we went to a birthday party at a club, and for the first time I lowered my inhibitions and danced. I’m still not a great dancer but I did bust a few moves. The guys danced like boys and girls, switching between the two fluidly. And though the straight folks from across the bar eyed us, we didn’t care, every one of them dropping it like it was hot and bringing it back up, till you begged them to stop. It was just crazy. Forgive me from sounding excited; this may be a regular occurrence for some peeps, but not me. The longest I’ve been in a club is five minutes. I still got a migraine from the loud music but it wasn’t so bad. Pity I couldn’t get as high on alcohol as I’d have loved to.
On Monday we spent the time at home, and I faced another person that had made me decide to make the trip. This guy really likes me and I was sort of going to use the visit to meet him. He’s a really great guy and all but he just wasn’t for me. We’ve been talking for a long while. I’ve warmed up to him. But we just didn’t click.
There are people I’d tell this to, and they’d be like love is all about friendship. No. It’s not all about friendship, just like it isn’t all about physical attraction. Love isn’t all about one thing. It’s about all the little and big things adding up together. Some people can be in a relationship without some initial form of chemistry. I can’t. I refuse to start off dating someone in the hopes that we click later on. It’s different if we were friends and chemistry later came up, but this guy and I had little chemistry, at least from my part.
Then there’s the fact that I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve been there and done that, and though sometimes I want to have a boyfriend, I think being alone is what I really need right now. I told him this, but I think he was taking to the idea that at some point, when I’m ready, I’ll say yes to him. So just to be clear, I added that even if I do feel ready, it’s not guaranteed that it’s him I would date.
I knew it hurt like a bitch to hear that. It would hurt like crazy if I heard that too. But I’d rather I know from an early stage that things might not work out between me and a love interest, than be led on only to feel foolish when I find out the person has a new beau. He said I’m so mean. Lol. I probably was. I even am. But I was doing what I would expect someone else to do for me to save me face.
And what’s with people EXPECTING you to date them. I understand hoping. But EXPECTING you to… Nah, man. Just because you’re doing everything right and just the way I like isn’t a reason to expect that I’d fall in love with you or to go out with you or fuck you or whatever. Most times we set ourselves up for disappointment and don’t even know it.
Then there was a small blast from the past when some guy I met re-added me on BBM. Reason for deleting me? I started dating my most recent ex. He said that he thought we had an understanding. I have no idea what the fuck he was talking about. Maybe he took my politeness as a yes to whatever understanding he built up in his head. Then he told me he wants us to have an understanding again and go back to the way things were. I swear I am evil deep down, and it was the grace of God that made me not tell him to fuck the hell off and stop acting like a lil bitch. Understanding what? What the fuck are you talking about? Apparently, there are some people you are dating that you don’t even know you’re dating.
Anyway, I didn’t tell him that. No. I simply told him we could be friends and only friends. No understanding whatsoever. And I used plain and simple English for him, so he wouldn’t twist it up in his head. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but his behaviour is giving me the creeps and telling me to run for my fucking life.
I sound like a douche, right? Lol.
Back to my trip… On Monday, I met Arabian princess and I realised I had a thing for tall lanky peeps with full lips. He’s quite boisterous and interesting. His taste in music is almost impeccable, just like a few other fabulous friends I made.
On Tuesday, I got drunk. First time ever. We started with playing a game of ‘Never Ever Have I’, and took shots. And next thing, I’m taking swigs from the vodka bottle instead of sips. I can’t say the exact time I realised I was drunk. But events started happening. My friend got heavily drunk, and he kept on shouting, “Never drop that alcohol!” “I’ll be fine as long as you give me more alcohol!” and “I’m going to see my boo tomorrow!” Lol.
As for me, I sorta hated it all. I have come to realise I hate not having full control. I remember some of the events. I remember making out with like three guys and realising then that I was drunk. I remember talking about how hot a girl in the house was and how I wanted to put my face in her boobs and go “brrrrrrrrrrr”. I remember crying for some stupid reason (yes, I’m apparently a cryer when I’m drunk), and I remember talking about the nervous system and how the parasympathetic nervous system ensures we don’t pee on ourselves, and desperately hoping I wouldn’t do something stupid like pee on myself or vomit in the bed or shit my pants. Luckily, I didn’t do any of that. Every time I needed to pee, I woke up my friend (the one that likes me) and asked him to please take me to the bathroom. I vomited once and felt better. All in the bathroom.
Someone said something. He said he would advice me to get drunk more often. That I’m one of the most pure-hearted people he’s ever met and I said some really deep stuff while inebriated, and he could see I was fighting for control instead of letting the alcohol take over me. Lol. That made me blush.
One lesson I took out of this is that the Bible wasn’t kidding in proverbs when it asked people to not get drunk. We have self control for a reason and alcohol takes that away and makes you start acting like an animal. Too much of anything is bad. I won’t be getting drunk anytime soon. It’s not all dancing on table and enjoying yourself. It’s also opening yourself up to the darkness and some despair, like a friend who became pretty violent and formed a hazard to himself, and me who felt a wave of depression and started to cry.
Wednesday had me mildly hung-over. Just a small headache, very small one. I’d expected myself to have a migraine or something. It also had me exploring my attraction to my friend’s friend.
I’m weird. Apparently the guy I was attracted isn’t so good looking and he’s one of the last people they expected me to be attracted to, but there was something about his eyes that I liked and I really wanted to see what it’d be like to kiss him. But he’s got some ex issues, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that, for my sanity’s sake.
I got back to school on Thursday and it made me realise how quiet my life was with no roomie. I’m thinking of getting one, hopefully someone I’d be compatible with. He’d have to have very little traces of femininity in him so my parents won’t smell a rat. I’ve been sleeping in a friend’s room. My room just doesn’t feel welcome anymore.
I’m on my way home for the weekend. I’ve got another day’s fasting for my bondage. I’m so frigging hungry. Later peeps.