JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 34)

Blog_James' JournalApril 10

I was listening properly to a song on David Guetta’s ‘Listen’ album. You know how you might hear a song but never really hear it. Well that day, I heard it. The song is Lift Me Up.

We’ve all got our struggles and are just trying to make it home. Some people seem to have their shit figured out, but even then, I’m sure they’ve still got demons to fight. Some people are just better at hiding their demons than others.

I’m often saying how we need to be tolerant of each other, how we need to learn to lift each other up because we are different but still fundamentally the same. It’s beginning to sound like an old tune but I don’t think things can be better with us at each other’s throats, looking for ways to put each other down and undermine our accomplishments and struggles. If you’ve got nothing good to say, then don’t say anything. And if you feel you must point something out, then maybe do it as nicely as possible. Don’t let it seem like the other person didn’t do anything tangible.

Words are very powerful. You don’t know what they are doing to who it’s directed at, whether thick-skinned or not. Words of encouragement and constructive criticism can go a long way into helping a person rise to be the person that they ought to be. Maybe because as gay people, we feel the need to be self-sufficient since the world is fundamentally against us, but couldn’t we ease off some of the tension by being our fellow gay brother’s keeper.

Anyway, I’m not sure how necessary this is. But I’d like to apologize to Teflondon for telling him to quit acting like a lil bitch. Honestly Teflondon, you annoy the fuck out of me most times, but that’s mostly because your apparent way of thinking is quite bizarre to me. And sure, you’re very entitled to think my journal entries are boring (Heck, I even read it sometimes before sending it in and wonder why anyone reads sef. Lol). I was not going to even reply the comment till you started talking about how it’s a fact, and my mood soured and I decided to say something a bit nasty. I’m not sure what you’re so afraid of that you ‘seem’ quite desperate to stand out. But whatever, it’s your life. I don’t know you or where you’re coming from in life, and you’re entitled to act the way you want.

Just maybe a bit if advice though… You don’t seem to know how to phrase your thoughts very well. After typing a comment, go back and read just to make sure you don’t unnecessarily ruffle feathers. Maybe correct the spell-check mistakes your phone loves to make too.

Life’s been a bit wonky recently. I had my ex over for Easter and he brought someone with him. I told him I didn’t mind. And honestly, I thought I didn’t. Then he got really cozy with his friend and I found myself pressing down little bits of jealousy. The worst however was the nostalgia.

I’m not interested in getting back with him. In my opinion, he deserves someone better than me. But there’s something about the familiar that I always want back. And the first night he was around, when I couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t too, we talked for an awfully long time and it was really nice. He’s a great cook. I love his food, especially his pasta. And he loves to cook. I hope he turns his passion into something that brings money. I remember when he’d surprise me with breakfast in bed. I’d be snoring away and then he’d wake me up to a tray full of sliced bread, fried eggs, sausages, baked beans and a nice tall glass of orange juice.

Anyway, my aim for inviting him over was his hard drive, so I could get some movies. But I didn’t even get the movies in the end. However, we’ve managed to reconnect and at least are now better friends. He’s the kind of person you’d want in your life – funny, energetic, very witty, with a sharp tongue. He’s fabulous and though he’d love to change a few things about the way he looks, he’s quite content in his own skin. He also reminds me that in the end it’s my personality that attracts people to me and makes them stay. Not the way I look. Have a great personality and people will come to you for the right reasons.

*

Growing up is hard. You have to strike a balance between taking life seriously and being carefree about the next day. You need to find the right things to believe in and you sort of want to make sure you don’t have regrets when you’re older.

This generation of youngsters is all shades of awesome and sometimes I wonder if I’ll get left behind. We’ve got overachievers and super-talented people and the very disciplined ones, and I just sit down and think, “I can write but not as good as this person… Okay, I can draw but it’s mostly abstract and is that even really art? Real life drawing like my friend DKesi’s art… Not those squiggly lines of feelings I do… I can sing but then there’s a 19 year old boy hitting notes I can’t dream of hitting in my life time…”

And in all of these, I’ve come to realise I’m comparing myself to other people. I’m not sure where the habit comes from, but I’m doing it and I need to stop and always remember that I can only be the best when I’m being me. So even if I can’t write like that person, at least I can write and convey what I’m thinking/feeling to others. I might not be able to hit notes like I’d like to, but all the songs I’ve sent to people that they like involve me singing with emotion and not chilling with a goose-pimple-giving voice. My imagination is vivid and exists out of the realm of reality, so I’ll draw my abstract art and proudly hang it on the wall.

*

Some people have called children a legacy. In the loose sense of the word, they are. They are something you leave behind after you’re gone to the great beyond. But then again I think people are putting quite a lot of – what’s the word sef… Uurgh! Pinkkyyy!

For example, someone said the fact that Martin Luther king’s kids didn’t have children means his legacy would die.

Excuse you! Martin Luther King’s legacy will never die! Wanna know why? Because his legacy is what he did for the Black community, not the fact that he had kids. Fuck! I didn’t even know he had kids till then. And here’s another thing – Martin’s father? We don’t know who he is, even though he’s the father of an exceptional man. My point? It’s not the children you leave behind that will immortalize your name. It’s what you’ve done. That’s your legacy. Even if it’s because of Martin’s father Martin became who he is, it still doesn’t make Martin the father’s legacy. It’s the value he imputed into his son that is his legacy.

So, those who are ever so anxious to have kids to pass on the family name or to leave something behind, I think you probably need to do something else more long-standing, because in the end, nobody will remember you even if your kid did something amazing. If you’re intelligent, don’t have children just so you can pass on your intelligence, thinking you’ve created a legacy. Do something exceptional with your intelligence or beauty or whatever it is you’ve got. Have kids for the right reasons and that’s so that you can love and support them. Who knows, maybe in a bid to have a legacy, you won’t let the kids be themselves.

*

Someone recently told me you might as well fuck a guy without a condom after rimming him. He gave the analogy of touching shit with your hand, but saying “thank goodness I didn’t step on it”. I was very surprised.

I promptly told him not to think that, that rimming is simply one of the most low risk sexual activities, especially since you won’t go vampire on his ass or something. And that a condom should always be used. Rimming can transmit HIV, but so can kissing and penetration sex. The only difference is that one has higher risk that the other.

I sure as hell hope, for his sake, he hasn’t been using that as an excuse to have unprotected sex.

As the conversation between me and him progressed, I came to realise he is bisexual, and each time I tried to move the conversation towards gay related issues, he’d tell me about girls with ass and all that. And I was amused. He knows I’m gay. Not Bi. Gay. So what was his deal? I sure as hell am not so interested in a woman’s cakes.  I told him this quite politely, making sure he knew that I knew he wasn’t very comfortable with the gay part of him. I’m not in the mood to help anyone accept any part of themselves, so I might make him disappear from my contact list, which is steadily building up. I’m losing track of conversations and confusing names, so a bit of spring cleaning in my contact list should be in order. All the potential Lekki hookups will be deleted. I’ve even gotten rid of the grindr app. I’m back in school, so no use for it.

*

I’ve lost a portable speaker of mine. The loss is devastating. I used my money to buy it while I waited with bated breath for mum to bring it from her travels. And now it’s gone. I left it in my room and spent the night at a friend’s and the next evening, I started to look for it to use to play some loud music, and it wasn’t where I remembered putting it. I doubt it could have been stolen. There was no sign of forced entry into my room, and even then, some money I carelessly placed in the room was still intact. It’s driving me crazy not knowing what happened to it, and the fact that it could be gathering dust somewhere in my room. Urgh!

Written by James

79 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 34)

  1. You people are trying! You and PP, staying friends with your Exs! Me I don’t have any ex-boyfriends because if we break up omo I don’t know you shikena!

    Erm kids? Well let me keep mute before I am branded the wizard of oz!

    I enjoyed reading this James

  2. ***sigh****

    Guilty as chareged. The aura of 2015 KD Has just been super tense. A lot of us ve been on our worse behavior of late, we really can do better. Some of us will be making EFFORTS to be more tolerant, continue to talk to our friends OFF KD to do the same, like PP would always say “not everything happens on kd”

    Thanks james! Today’s entry reminded me of what we are all suppose to be building here. Thank you wise one.

  3. Oh dear James.. take a hug…. in de voice of chizzle, it’s not the face tht keeps a dick but personality. I loved every part of it, hope Teflondon will see ur apology and admonition in a good way…

  4. “…And if you feel you must point something out, then maybe do it as nicely as possible. Don’t let it seem like the other person didn’t do anything tangible…” and James, I dunno, I’m seeing a shade with that ‘shidren’ and ‘legacy’ part or am I imaginig it?

  5. I was enjoying myself while reading this, until I got to the rimming part. I still don’t understand how you guys do it. It is one thing to put your dick in a arsehole and it is another thing to use your mouth to lick it. Is it that you guys plan it before doing it, as in you wash up and all…what about if it wasnt planned? Does that place not smell?

    Anyway, you actually hit the nail on the head and you are absolutely correct. I have noticed something in this blog, people tend to attack persons instead of points. Even the admin of this blog is guilty.

    Why would someone decides to share life experiences here when it would be used against him in future.

    When Chizzie attacked someone because of his sexuality, everyone complained about it, but y’all are doing the same thing. A post that was made on thursday, I was surprised to see some people using it to attack the OP yesterday in a different blog post.

    We all need to be mature. It is not personal. We are all commenting based on the topic, and if the opinion is against what you believe, why don’t you argue it out, but no, you behave like a coward and attack the messenger, yet, you are fighting for acceptance from the general public..

      • The admin still do not get that he’s supposed to stay above the fray,not get sullied by mud flying from any direction.

      • Opinions,yes but not to the extent of always being in the lead of one pack against the other.
        Opinions can be couched n given in such a way as to not give impression of being for or against one stream of thought or the other.
        And when occasion calls for it,you’re supposed to be peacemaker,not leading the charge of one against the other.

      • I can’t help it if I’m poor at masking my distaste for certain individuals. And I absolutely can’t help it if I get riled into retaliating when the same individuals gun for me. I won’t apologize for either. 🙂

      • Like I “gunned” for you the other day on Khaleesi’s post that you came out swinging?.Even when it was obvious to the blind that he was up to some mischief,the post meant solely as a dig at Gad and not for any enlightenment?

      • I came out swinging? Lol. MacArdry, believe me. I did not come swinging at you. Believe me. I really was trying to point out something, perhaps poorly, to you. But I did not come out swinging. If I did, there’d be more people with more admonishments for me.

      • You did,but it’s all in the past now.
        All I’m trying to say is,try to stay above the fray.I get some posters are more special to you than others,but in trying to defend them every time,something they can well do on their own,you come across as being..biased,partisan.That makes you fair game too,for whatever.Borrow a leaf from Dennis,there’s a reason for his popularity on here,even though there are some he doesn’t much care about here,but rather than bandy words with them he takes the high road.

      • I understand your point. I will try to work on it. But understand something. I do not seek popularity. So using Dennis as a point of reference is moot. I don’t want to be everybody’s friend. i just want to do my bit as the admin and that’s it. So, me trying to be the best I can be is for me, not for some plus points from anybody.

    • Hello sinnex, u appeared really cool when u started commenting on this blog. But the new sinnex is the true definition of ‘show me your friend and lemme tell you who u are’.

      It’s aint all about attacking, its about stating the fact esp when some1 is toying with our IQs. We are all adults here bro.

    • Sinnex thanks for bringing this to light.. I just kept quiet about it.
      The Admin actually used some detials (from my life voluntarily released to him to educate and entertain his blog… )To insult me.
      I mean I was taking aback by that.. I mean understood if we have a lot of ignorant reading audience.. That would do that. But the Admin shouldn’t have stooped to such unprecedented low levels. Yet this same admin encouraged me to release more details of my life for more stories, but I wasn’t encouraged at all by those turn of events.
      Nways since we are in the ‘season of forgiveness’ I forgive you Admin!

  6. Great piece James! Muah!!! And abt Tef, bitch is all sorts of different shades of messed up … even his attempt at skewering up issues comes out in an incomprehensible jumble ***rolls mascaraed eyes***
    Keep em rolling in dear James

  7. Lol! Clearly we like to dish out advice that we are never willing to take ourselves. Making accusations that u are currently guilty of,. I wonder whatever happened to “moving on/forward”? At least I’d like to think that’s part of what this post is about with the apology that was issued. Alway starting something but forever quick to scream foul when the favour is returned. How about you show some respect to ppl and lets see if you won’t be accord the same courtesy.

  8. Dear James,
    isnt it ironic that the only place you made a typo error in your very long piece is the part you were advising me on double checking my spellings. I saw something around there (‘if’ instead ‘of’) Touché darling. Lol this things happen.

    Growing up is very tough.. I wrote one of my experiences of growing up recently and this place went into a melt down.

    As for being Frnd’s with my Ex, Lol let me summarize it like… I posted a pic on IG recently of if I was invited to my Ex’s funeral.. With alittle smirk on my face, My first words to the audience would be “Ain’t God good”

    Rimming is downright nasty! Ive been offered to be rimmed a thousand times and I reject it every single time.. I can’t even allow to be rimmed talkess actually giving it… The thoughts a lot ‘Yuck’

    James you spoke real words today and your journal was in a interesting read today. Mind you, even after what I said.. Last week, I’ve always bein a fan of your journal.. PP knows what I’m talking about. (I stated it in my initial write up to him in my kito story) I don’t say things to hurt people or to try to stand out.. I just say things exactly how I feel at that particular moment.. And this things are never personal to me.
    That said..
    Apology accepted.. Kindly accept mine too. JustJames you are a good person with so much class ozing from the way you write and your comments. I would like to contact you personally.. If possible.
    XOXO
    Tef.

    • @Tef: aint u a chamelon? Trying to sound cool and bitchy at d same time, keep trying, u shall get there one day.

      People tried to rim u? *chokes* Oh booboo, just stop now ok? I won’t even allow my enemy to rim your pit latrine let alone my dog.

    • Aww. The ending part of the apology really struck a chord in me.
      Pinky please set up this meeting, I’ll like to be a fly on the wall when it happens.

  9. James, your apology was brilliantly delivered. I applaud you👍🏿👍🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

    • You know?
      I mean I was taking aback by such poignant maturity. Something the Admin could Take a Queue from.. Acceptance of ones wrong doing doesn’t Preach “I’m weak”. Rather it elevates you.

      • You see? This right there is why you and I will NEVER get along. Keep taking your potshots at me, you hear? But when I shoot back at you, kindly take it like a man instead of a whiny child.

      • This is exactly what I talked about. How does that snippy comment directed at the Admin (who by the way, did not engage you) help your relations with him? And yet, tomorrow, you will shout about how unfairly you get treated here. Start giving out what you expect, Teflondon. I don’t expect you to heed what I’m saying. But there, it’s been said.

  10. This entry again shows how James may well be a lad wise beyond his years. The bit about children and legacy got to me. I think the mentality the average Nigerian have of children being his legacy dates back to the period when our forefathers put more stock in the man with a larger family than in one who didn’t. There’s that sense that continuity of the family name is the duty any one man owes his family, the legacy he leaves to society. But, as rightly pointed out in this piece, that isn’t so. A man’s legacy is what people remember him by. Check out that doctor who first diagnosed that Ebola patient in Nigeria for instance. She became especially more remarkable when her name was linked to a Nigerian great of old. That is legacy. Nnamdi Azikiwe is remembered, not for the children he may or may not have had, but for the things he did for this country. That is legacy. If Beyoncé (God forbid) should die tomorrow, she would be remembered as the biggest pop star the world has ever known (in spite of what Dennis will say). That is legacy. There have been several American presidents, but only a few, such as Abraham Lincoln, are remembered the world over. That is legacy. All these scientists causing innovations from time immemorial; do you hear people remembering them for their children? No. They left actual legacies behind.

  11. Secondly, the issue about being your gay brother’s keeper… I think the mistake those of us touting for peace amongst the KD brethren make is expecting that peace to happen by the sheer fact that we all have the same struggle – our sexuality. That is the mistake. Our sexual orientation is just one facet of our individualities. And certainly not the only ingredient to make togetherness and peace happen.

    For any relationship to work, every party has to put in an effort. And that applies, in this case, to the villains and ‘victims’.

    I find it puzzling that the thirteen previous kito stories updated on KD elicited a huge wave of empathy, support and gentle admonishment from the readership, and the fourteenth kito story instead incurred a vicious backlash. I know a lot of people would like to say it is because of KDians and their ‘satanic’ tendencies, but why would a vast majority of readers of this blog not harbor even the slightest empathy for the owner of the said story? There’s a saying that goes: what you put out into the universe is what the universe returns to you. Yes, KDians should be more respectful, more considerate, less vicious, but when you consider yourself the ‘victim’ of a lot of vitriol from a lot of people a lot of the time, then you ought to wonder what you’re putting out to the universe. Relationships take work, from both sides. The villains and the ‘victims’. We should remember that this blog is a virtual world, and that who you are may not necessarily be who people perceive you to be on the blog. So you may be a good person in reality, but your portrayal on the blog shows you up as otherwise, either as an obnoxious or unpleasant person. And if you revel in that, just because it gives you a notoriety, then is it any wonder people find it easy to malign you? I’m not saying everyone must agree with everything shared on the blog for peace to happen. But there’s a difference between being disagreeable and being contentious.

    Take chestnut for example. He doesn’t always agree with the majority opinion. And yet you don’t see anyone badmouthing him here. He is in fact one of the most admired commenters on KD. And yet, he regularly dissents with the majority. And yet you find someone else disagreeing and getting tongue-lashed for it.

    The point I’m trying to make is, everyone has a part to play in this quest for World Peace—erm, sorry, KD Peace. Everyone. Villains and ‘victims’ alike. Look at Gad that is very quick to point out how vicious this particular LGBT community is; easily one of the oldest KDians here, and yet, it’s curious how tart and reprehensible some of his comments are. Again, what you put out in the universe is what you get back from it. The day you decide to use yourself as an example of what you want your environment to be, that is the day the change will start. The day you decide to stop being so shady, or snide, or obnoxious, that is the day the kind of responses you get will start changing. Do not put the onus of things changing on the next person; start it yourself. If you want peace, start being peaceful. If you want love, start being loving. If you want respect, start being respectful. You don’t expect the person who doesn’t like you here to suddenly switch gears and start being civil to you when you don’t give him a reason to.

    The change starts with you. What you put out to the universe is what you get.

    • Well said Dubem..
      So I tried to start peace by forgiving the Admin.. What do I get in return.. A “shove it up your ass” reply. So what are we saying here exactly. There are something’s I expect the Admin not to meddle in.. MacArdry said it all already. It seems as if, some people are given the license to throw their vitriolic comments around without any form of caution. (A certain someone comes to mind.. Someone we haven’t seen a while and I clearly do not miss) Yet, at every opportunity I’m being cautioned for being objective.. It’s quite distasteful. IMO.
      But like I said earlier we are in a season of forgiveness…

      Hello chestnut, was thinking if you could join us for lunch.. This lovely sunny Sunday afternoon.

      • Tef, I saw that ‘apology’ you gave. And if it was me, unlike PP, I’d tell you exactly where to shove it. It was the most self-serving apology I’ve ever seen. And on top of that, after the so-called apology, you started going around dropping digs at him. And you expect the two of you will get along? Lol. Let me not say anymore.

  12. All these children that are scared of rimming… The ultimate freak test. Sorry, but a clean fat ass needs to be rimmed. It should be a reflex action. Get your freak on kids!

    Now, it is time for me to go download Mike daemon. Missed out for a while.

      • …and slurp on it, while making all that smacking sounds with ur lips yeah? It only looks wonderful in porn. It has never done jack to making me aroused. *shrugs* If the bro feels he has to, he is free to go ahead. He shud sha not complain I’m unresponsive

  13. Great job, James. You make me want to dust my diary.
    Great music taste too. I don’t remember if you ever forgot to make a recommendation in past posts, but please never forget.

  14. The fact is, there is a very big difference between quarrelling and arguing because one is directed at the victim’s ideas while the other is directed at his personality! I’ve said it before that we people need to STOP the hatred amongst us. But it seems that some people enjoy it! They push others, who equally push the vehicles that knock on others.
    Every or some part may be guilty but, why don’t we start from ourselves to settle for peace by doing our little best? Next time you’re asked to share a story, tell them ”Thanks, but no thanks!”.
    Everyone has got an ugly side of their lives, and it’s not about sharing them with someone that matters but sharing them with the right someone.
    Like I said, attacks on personality is very uncalled for. We all gotta remove the splinchter in our eye first before we see clearly enough to help a brother remove his! And apology, in the right form, matters, especially when you realise it is so needed!
    I like a lot of arguing-yes! And sometimes it bores my friends that I always wanna consider even the negative aspects of a situation… I sometimes lash out my tongue and, especially when I’m the victor, the special feeling lasts for as long as they don’t start to sulk! I don’t feel pity but shame at myself then…
    Thanks to dearest who refered me to KD! I loved the second post I read here…till I began to read the comments!! WOW!!!
    All I’m saying is, we should Let Love Lead…

  15. O well!. It’s like i missed out on the fun that went down here yesterday.

    Thank you Jj, for such a beatiful entry and the way you arranged your points. Stealing my exact thoughts which leads to my suspicion of your clairvoyance. Cos i had started drafting an epistle about Comradeship and on being responsible KDsians already……i guess i’ll go ahead and say it.

    Just as our backgrounds are different so also are our opinions and premises on certain issues….the new wave of bad breed bitches that are hovering around this blog now is a bad breath to the air we breathe here; for crying out loud KD is the biggest thing to happen to some of us here since after the 14years jail bill. Frankly speaking, I do not think i’ll ever attain the enlightenment i’ve gotten on here just from interacting with you guys even if i spent a better half of my adult years poring over journals and perusing e-books. Trust me the suffocation is real when some persons keep rattling and mouthing off people like ovulating bats with clipped wings.

    Chizzie was an outrightly mean bitch, we get that he has venom for words,daggers for claws and he was collectively stomped outta here because of his obduracy;does not mean we are looking for the next baddest bitch to fill that vacancy which is actually non-existent, so please when next you argue do so objectively (pls!, i do not mean that condescending and blase attempt as some are opt to adopt),when you criticise be constructive and not litter eviscerated body parts about causing the air here to become stale and decomposingly pungent (often wondered why we no longer see some very sentient intelligent minds around and newbies are afraid to perch?!).

    We are beautiful. This i know from personal conversations with some persons outside this blog, Lets build ourselves and help lift the bounty on our head other than tear down one another in fits of uncultured demagogic frenzy,(Hell!, what happened to the KD when subtle shades were beautiful?. When/where there was clinking of wine glasses and tea drinking parties abounded, when we learnt,argued, laughed and made merry-go-round?, So much nostalgia that i’m tearing up right now *dabs eyes with scented silk ‘kerchief*).

    My power, Your power, Our power and we will shine brighter than millions of white supernovic Suns ‘cos we are Queer,Here to stay and Uber-fabulous!

    NB:Children are such bundles of joy, it gives one an outworldly feeling of loving and helping to shape their destiny, I guess i and Bae,who ever that is will adopt or go for surrogacy and oh!, Rimming is heavenly!….*Canters off*

  16. Andrevn i definitely miss those tea drinking days. Lemme confess that is was one of the amusing things that kept me coming back. I just did not like that only Dennis and Chestnut were having tea parties.

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