coming-out-of-the-closet“I’m Gay.”

I finally dared to look up. I wasn’t sure what I saw those eyes. Could it be pain? Anger? Shock? I couldn’t define it. I looked back down at my feet. I just had my pedicure done and at the moment, it was the most beautiful thing I could stare at. It gave me joy and sudden hope that whatever the outcome, these beautiful feet would take me to a place where I can be me.

“Are you sure? Why didn’t you ever tell me?” The voice sounded so far and strangled, I couldn’t recognize it.

I looked up from my feet and met those eyes with a piercing gaze of my own. Why? You’re seriously asking that question? Really? Give me one good reason why I should have told you? You always had something hurting to say when the word ‘homosexual’ comes on the news or is randomly passed around by your club members during afternoon tea and some crumpets. Tell me how I could have said something to someone who has an agenda against us. TELL ME!

“What? What do you mean?” My words came choked up.

I didn’t know I had asked the questions out loud. I remembered the night she called me a “Bitch” for snapping at my dogs and right there, I was being one. And the sudden realization broke my heart more… and the waterworks started slowly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be unreasonable but it’s the truth. I had to find attention elsewhere because you were always too busy to give me the attention I needed while growing up. I’m not an ingrate. I know everything you did and are still doing is for me to have a beautiful future. And for that I will always love you. But you just didn’t know I needed you during those times he messed up…”

He is my father.

“You were too absorbed,” I continued, “with how to handle him every night he came home and didn’t do anything about his responsibility towards us.”

“You’re Gay? Are you sure? Really sure?” She still wanted more affirmation.

“Yes, I am sure.”

“How did it start?”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell how it started. How do I fess up that I was molested when I was five years old by three guys for five years? How? I wasn’t ready to see the failure-as-a-parent-to-notice-what-your-child-was-going-through stigma fit like that LASTMA jacket that is mostly spoken about here.

I love my mother. She’s very strict, a good Christian, and she’s the father I have always looked up to. I’m an only child and I could see that she was torn, really torn by this news of my coming out to her. I laid it bare because I wanted her to know about the school issues I was facing due to neglect and much love for the job I started while in school. I needed to let her know everything at once.

And I did.

Now she knows.

“Vhar, I asked you a question…” She was crying already.

“Mum, I’m not sure I should tell you.”

“Tell me. I want to know everything.” I could hear the edge to her voice.

So I did. I told her how it started as a child, how my last relationship started, how it ended and how I looked forward to another one with a male partner.

“May I see his picture, your ex, I mean?”

I was taken aback. Why did she want to see him? Although she met him twice before, I wasn’t sure I wanted her to know it was him. I got my phone from my room and showed her his picture. She was gobsmacked and asked if we loved each other. I nodded.

“This isn’t easy for me, Vhar. It’s not. But I hope this phase is over soon. This isn’t you –”

“Don’t! Don’t say that. This is me. I love guys. You’ll have to come to terms with it.” I was being a bitch again, I didn’t care in that moment. I would never allow anyone put me down with words because of my sexuality and beat me blue-black with ‘good intentions’ that I have thought about already. She had to know what I wanted for myself. I held her hands, looked at her, sighed and finally smiled. “I love you, mother, but you have to learn to love me like this. One day at a time…”

We cried together after that, and amidst sniffles, she nodded. In that very moment, I loved her more.

This happened three years ago, in April. In her bedroom. Around 2am.

Before I went to bed that morning, she asked me a question that earned her one of my looks. (I have different types of looks, but this particular one is classic. A raised eyebrow, squinted eye, the other enlarged, set jaw line and lips in a thin pout and a tilted chin)

“Tell me, how’s the sex like?”

Written by Vhar

141 thoughts on “HIS COMING OUT STORY (Edition 3)

  1. Yay! First

    she asked me a question that earned her one of my looks. (I have different types of looks, but this particular one is classic. A raised eyebrow, squinted eye, the other enlarged, set jaw line and lips in a thin pout and a tilted chin)…

    I want to be your friend Vhar.

    Nice read!

    • Dude! For all u know mum wld just b waiting for u to pour ur heart out to her. Remember d lil chat u overheard ur aunt n her having? I blive dat was supposed to b ur cue. So Pls walk outta that closet bro!

  2. This is the scenario that plays out between parents and kids when you make your child a friend. My only worry about this is that this lady might go on believing that her son is gay as a result of continuous and protracted abuse since when he was 5. How I wish parents can spend more quality time with their kids. Be close to your child enough to understand his every gesture. If they do they can easily detect when something is not right. Single parenting is not easy at all both on the child and the parent but in spite of all, we have a friend in Jesus. A friend who sticks closer than a brother.

  3. Outstanding!

    Both the story and the writing skill.

    Hmmm…the serial abuse and molestation, the self denial, the parental denial, the need to blame someone else, the broken self esteem, the eventual journey to self and the healing of broken vases.


    Every good thing will come…

  4. This is nice. For a moment I visualized coming out to my mother and sisters, I just couldn’t….the first thing my mother would say is ‘they will try but they will never get me. Those people from the village want to take my only son from me. You are going for deliverance. We will do it together’…

    • Can totally relate with the deliverance thing.

      My parents reacted that way first when the news of the serial abuse I had gone through as a child was broken but they were also quick to retrace their steps and engaged a psychiatrist instead.

      Things our parents do ehn!


  5. Well, this is me in some ways.

    Mother who’s more of the father, raped/abused when I was still much younger (story for another day) by an inlaw, mother who loves me to a fault who I can’t stand her tears.

    But, am not the only child and I haven’t come out to her yet.

  6. Vhar vhar boom!!.. You always know how to put together an interesting piece.
    This was supposed to be gloomy and depressing, but it ended up being hilarious at best. I’ve been thinking of that moment when I’ll come out.. Ive played it in my head over a million times, each time, it never ends right. I’m still thinking of less disastrous ways to do it.
    I salute you.. You had the courage that most of us cant even seem to bolster up here to finally take control of your life. Its really remarkable. Not allowing the society pressure you into being a “hypocritical MGM” is the most noble thing you can do for yourself. Bravo.

  7. It’s no wonder there is this white pure energy that emanates from your comments and entrys (sic) cos you’ve made peace with the whole coming out issue and experienced love and acceptance (maybe,i might not be so correct).

    Stares are meant to be classic,they hold the power of a thousand unspoken blighting words packed into transluscent orbs…hehe

    Loved this and your spirit to stay afloat ”I
    would never allow anyone put me down with
    words because of my sexuality and beat me
    blue-black with ‘good intentions’ that I have thought about already”. I simply was Vhared.

    OAN:And o! Mr Gad stop thrumping that line it’s becoming wrinkled and obnoxious cos my bestie (a lady) is closer than my siblings and parents put together **taking your words literally**

    • Andrevn.
      Pinkpanther, I hope you’re taking notes of this words for KD dictionary and glossary?

      But I understand Gad’s point.
      For me, there’s truth in it.

      • Truth?!
        Ummmmmm!.Yes maybe.
        But sounding it off all the time like here was a church is why i called him out. If it were which i know IT IS NOT,definitely it would succinctly be told us by the Admin….But no.*rolls eyes in 450 degree arc* Atleast i heard those same words this morning during devotion session amidst homophobic slurs.

        Dictionary and Glossary? Vhar!,FGM!?
        Now i am laughing so hard the beans i’m having for lunch is spluttering outta my mouth…… I wonder what the verb to describe the feeling of being wow’ed by ChestNUT would be?……..
        **shuts lips and flees with #GhanaMustGo on my head*

  8. WAIT!!! Do we blame being gay on sexual molestations now? Cos I interprete this as “if I didn’t get molested, I wouldn’t be gay”. This is giving serious ammunition to right-wingers.

    • Trystham you took them words out of my mouth. Many schools of thought actually believe that homosexuality is a product of sexual abuse

    • At what point in this narration was that conclusion drawn? His mother simply asked him when he started lying with men, and he told her. If it was heterosexual situation and he was asked when he started doing ‘it’, he’d say the same thing of early shenanigans, probably with the housemaid.

      • “…“How did it start?”
        I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell how it started.
        How do I fess up that I was molested when I
        was five years old by three guys for five….” INTERPRETED AS
        I started when those boys decided to forcefully convert me to homosexuality against my will.

        except he claimed to av liked it then, seeing the above statement would make me infer that all that claims of “I was born this way” becomes null and void.

        Thank u Sinnex.

      • “I had to find attention elsewhere because you were always too busy to give me the attention I needed while growing up.”
        You missed that part.

        I needed a very important ingredient in my life as a child, Attention.
        Contrary to conventional wisdom, a five-year old boy is not an in-differentiated blob who is aware only of himself. The single most important thing that a child needs from their parent is demonstrable proof of their love. For most children, this comes in the form of their parent’s attention. If you don’t give it to them, they’ll do anything that they can to get it.

        Trystham, this new life started when I was molested.
        And they gave me what I craved most as a child.
        I don’t know if I’d have turned out “straight” were I not molested. Truth is, I’ll never know.

    • Although, some might not agree with me, but I don’t think all gays were born like that. I know I was born this way and many more people; yet, there are those who were “converted” and they liked it. Some people that were molested at a young age grew up not knowing any other form of sexual relationship than man to man. I know someone who started having sex with men because a corper in his school promised him that if he had sex with him he’d make him take the first position. I also know some people who started because of money. Except, there is another name for those who sleep with men because of what they’d gain

      In all, it is confusing actually.

      • Seeing this reminds me of the power of choice we have sha. I have concluded that at birth, we are sexless, ‘orientation-less’, ‘moral-less’, ‘faithless’, just who we are. We get to be shaped by the choices we make or that av bin made for us.

      • Sexuality is a very complex topic which we might never fully get to understand, I cant say if sexual abuse turns one gay, after all a lot of young males experiment at some point, but if they aren’t wired gay, then they will shun it after the first few attempts at experimentation. Well, i dont really know sha

      • There’s quite a difference between experiments and abuse. Different things can make someone become gay: either you are born that way as some believe (nature), or you are nurtured.

        We hate to admit it but nurture accounts for a lotta gays in Nigeria. As a child growing up, my mum was strict to a fault (seeing as she’s taken up the role of the man of the house in terms of discipline) and my only recourse was my dad. I could only play with my dad and eventually I saw women as evil and the bond with my dad (my saviour in times of trouble) deepened. This or something similar accounts for some people turning out gays, although, in my case, I never for once felt anything for any man whatsoever within this period.

        Fast track to some years later when my aunt’s husband abused me, I was so naive I didn’t know what happened when I woke up (had he not stopped me, I would have called my mum to ask what could cause my ass to be hurting after I slept). It took two weeks for me to know what happened and for me to learn of homosexualism for the first time. I didn’t know if it was right or not because I was too naive then and that was the only form of sex I grew up knowing and by the time the females came to ply their trade with me, I was so deep into gaydom to the extent that you could trace it in my DNA.

        Bottom line for all this rant, I strongly believe I could have turned out different if I took my own decisions, or maybe not. A lot of people I know that tried experimenting being gay dropped out so we may not find a perfect fit for those ones. By and large, not all gays are born that way and it is easier for abuse and nurture to turn someone to gay than it is for experiments.

      • Now that you guys mention it, I remember several housemaids when i was a child who seuxally molested me, as in played with my dick, sucked it etc, and yet here i am, still as flaming gay as ever … why did the heterosexual molestation not “straighten” me out?

      • Khallie why have you not thought that maybe its that abuse from the female folk that makes you want to retch when they take off their clothes for you?
        Bottomshell is there is no one size fit all in this things?
        People have their different stories and trust me its credible that conversion works

      • Exactly, iamcoy, exactly.

        Whoever said that we must think in a straight line in all circumstances.

        And to think that Chimamanda Adichie has been fighting against single stories.

    • sexual abuse doesn’t make one gay. if you are not gay, u are not gay. there are many heterosexual guys out there who were molested by guys when they were tender.
      and there are many gay guys out there who were molested by their housemaids when they were tender.

      there is no proven relationship between sexual molestation and “gayism”. if ever there was, or is, a relationship between the two, it isn’t a causal relationship.

      • Thank you for that, Sam. I actually have a straight friend who was molested by a guy. As far as I know, dude is straight as a ruler. I think I’ll seek a way to convince him to write on that experience.

      • Nope. There just isn’t at all. Its the same chance a girl molested by her dad and growing up to be a sex freak having a thing for daddies has, so also is the gal who goes thru the same experience and hating sex in general and for d same gal preferring other girls…shit. I hate probability

    • sexual abuse doesn’t make one gay. if you are not gay, u are not gay. there are many heterosexual guys out there who were molested by guys when they were tender.
      and there are many gay guys out there who were molested by their housemaids when they were tender.

      there is no proven relationship between sexual molestation and “gayism”. if ever there was, or is, a relationship between the two, it isn’t a causal relationship

      • Bisexuals are the main cause of this problem. People are born gay and Thats just it. Bisexuals experiment or get reeled in by another guy and eventually find out they have gay tendencies, they blame it on “conversion”.. There’s nothing like conversion pls. Thats why I hated bi’s in the past, because I knew about their condescending act of blaming ” homosexualism” on people who converted them. This should stop please, it’s really annoying. And @Enigmous, your case doesn’t explain anything, your aunts husband molesting you was just a coincidence, had nothing to do with your “gayism” and “homosexualism “. Most people here have mother’s who pampered them, why didn’t they fall in love with women? Instead they turned into flaming ” homosexualists”..
        We r always looking for who to blame for a problem that doesn’t exist…
        I smell internalized H ….

      • Max,

        “I strongly believe I could have turned out different if I took my own decisions, or maybe not.”

        If only you read to understand and not to respond, maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t have missed the message. All through my write up, I can’t remember blaming my “homosexualism” on someone. I just shared my experience and opinion on why I don’t believe everybody was born gay.

        You may be used to shutting everybody up with your “superior” opinion (when you can’t disagree with someone or communicate your views humbly, that’s what you come off as doing) but my dear, sorry, you are so wrong this time. I stand by what I said and that’s what I believe. Deal with it or miss me in your tonguelash.

    • I wanted to ask the same thing. When the mom asked. “How did it start?” For me, I can’t say exactly when I became gay. Neither did I become gay because I was abused. Not all abused men turned out to be gay though.

  9. “Tell me what the sex is like. …”

    My dad asked me exactly the same question years ago, I gave him my own look, but halfway through my narrative, the man begged me to stop lol

    I admire your courage and strength Vhar, it definitely takes alot of it to be able to come to out, then withstand the aftermath.


      • Lmaoo Max why so surprised? you’ve read the two stories where I always referenced my dad in it. He’s not cool with it totally but he has made peace with who I am on some level, and we’re still close

      • Your dad deserves father of the year award.
        My dad will have an instant heart attack and die…and my mum will follow suit.. 😂😂😂..
        There’s no scenario I’ve cooked up in my head in which they come out alive.

      • Hmmm Max I feel your pain man, but who knows… Maybe it’s not as grim as you think.
        I’d suggest that you start with dropping subtle hints, hopefully they’ll pick up the scent trail 😉

      • ***stations an entire legion of Unsullied warriors + an entire brace of dragons, draw bridges and sharp shooting snipers outside the fortified walls of my concrete castle deep within which my glittering gilded closet is deeply ensconced … ***sighs and leans back to enjoy mani-pedicure and hair treatments … The Queen must look regal always, yes?

      • ****installs a jacuzzi inside my closet plus Arabian furniture and adds another set of locks****

        Max you were saying?

      • Dennis when you’re done, you hand me the spare the key(s)….
        So I can bring your regular tea party peeps to you hahaha

      • Oh Khaleesi 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  10. Nicely written.. I must admit! Captured and delivered exquisitely.

    Your are lucky the kinda mum you have.. Sadly! Yes Sadly! My Mum and Dad and pretty much my whole extended family knows about me.. And it’s not being fun. Mum is a devout Christian… That even prays Holy Ghost fire on a cockroach that is in her own words “suspiciously roaming” around the family picture hung On the wall (so you can imagine) Dad on the hand is a Devout disciplinarian, sometimes I wonder if he was a soldier in his past life.. He is a chronic womanizer who can’t even begin to phantom how in heavens name I’ll like Guys. With my Olofofo-jealousy-Hating- Extended Family.. Put all that in view and just imagine how my life is like.

      • You really need to get your head outta your arse where it’s been stuck,Max.You turned out worse than Chizzie.You don’t like people who don’t kowtow to you and your clique,we get.Trying to put them down at every turn is really turning abrasive,grates on my nerve.
        Just……..stow it.

      • Kel,

        I wonder how we missed the time bomb, Max, waiting to happen all in the name of trolling Chizzie.

        Get a grip Max, if everyone is telling you to change your ways then there’s problem with you. Your problem is that you are ever ready to attack everyone that criticizes you but you gotta learn that sometimes it’s your biggest fan that comes at you the most.

        If you understand this, then it won’t be difficult for you to LIVE AND LET LIVE. Stay humble, be a bit more accommodating, agree or disagree with humility. Life is not that serious and we all got our demons we are fighting with. Some people come here to find peace, don’t make it harder for them.

      • Max,take an advice,a set down or anything contrary to his narrow way of thinking in good faith?.You’ll have to wait a really long time for that to happen,Kel.

      • Ohhhh, Kel is on fire.
        I sometimes feel like Chizzie went in search of the real Max, murdered him and stuffed chopped bits of him in that closet he really does not plan to come out of (talk about the irony of staying in the closet), and started using his pseudonym. Biko Max, take it easy on some guys abeg. I really can’t stand Tef too but I try.

      • To me out means ‘to state or declare one’s sexuality OPENLY and PUBLICLY, I think even the dictionary will agree with me on that, so keeping information regarding your sexuality within your family alone does not suit the word ‘OUT’ in it’s actuality!

      • Every adjective has degrees. OUT here, I will equate to: Out of his “personal” closet. Coming out to the whole world, he has to go to NTA, CNN, Aljazeera to announce. That’s not just unnecessary but uncalled for. As long as some persons [family or ..not] are aware of his sexuality, he’s OUT.

  11. And Jarch showing your face, will change so many things,atleast if not for anything, it will show or rather prove that you are truly OUT. You cannot call telling one or two members of your family about your sexuality OUT, it will not reflect its actual meaning.

    And besides coming out and showing our faces, shows/proves that we are courages and significant, and as the number of people coming out, continues to increase (please by coming out here I mean in the actual sense of coming out) it will continue to show people (note: people here means the society at large) that YES we truly exist and not only do we exist, but we are very much ready to stand for our true nature.

    But I blame no one, NIGERIA is dangerously homophobic, my only problem here is stop using the word OUT when you are only referring to a situation where you discussed your sexuality with family members!

      • As much as i’d like this to be the only thing to say about this, i’ll have to pen more.

    • You can be out to close friends and family without being out to the world, Tim Cook was out to his family and friends and co – workers for years before he publicly came out before the world media …

    • Mike Daemon, call it whatever you want or turn the phrase coming out to whatever suits you, I have made peace with who I am and what I am, my awesome dad accepts me on some level for who I am and that means a lot to me. If it were that easy we won’t be celebrating our coming out stories here on KD or any other platform for that matter

      So please eh, when you want to argue the semantics of coming out, go and find someone else to do it with, as I had asked before, what would it change? An answer which you so blatantly albeit impishly decided to avoid. So when you do decide to answer, probably it might change the price of garri or condom in your village, the you let me know and I’ll glad give you my name, address and even my passport number number sef

      Nonsense and ingredient

  12. Oh Vhar, your sexuality came by conversion! Hahahaha, a word commonly used by most people to mean, that they were turned, as in their sexuality was altered at a certain point, again meaning that they were introduced into homosexuality, or rather their sexuality was changed, it all sounds bizarre right? Is that even possible? Well I discussed it on NOSTRINGS Episode 5, an episode that some people promised to post, but never did.

    • Please, I want you all that accuse “some people” of not posting … Try to put yourself in his shoes and see if you would do better. consider that he’s not like lindaikeji who depends on it. I even marvel at the volumes of posts here and wonder how the “editor” or reviewer” is able to keep up. I’ve not caught up in readings not to talk of writing. Some people are busy and hardworking. Their life is not all about writing gay stories. Please let’s be tolerating.

  13. My favourite queer theologian; James Alison wrote about how coming out is not just a once in a lifetime, once and for all event. He believes that coming out is a continuous process, a lifelong unfolding event.
    Though he has lived almost his entire life as an openly gay man in the UK, people still confront him with questions about his sexuality, and he still “comes out to them” by patiently answering their questions.

    I want to believe that the authors of the coming out stories we read on this blog know that they are telling us stories of their first steps towards freedom.

    The coming out ritual is in stages. Coming out to your family and close friends is only but stage 2 (stage one being the coming out TO YOURSELF. Lol)

    Stage 3, by my reckoning, is when you come out “in rem “: to the whole world.
    Stage 4, of course, is when your struggle to sustain stage 3.

    So, congratulations to you Vhar on your successful completion of stage 2.
    I’m apparently stock in stage 1. Lol.

  14. Congrats to you Char.if it’s my parents, after seizing ur phone u will be on complete lockdown for a year the only time u can come out being the various deliverance sessions they take you for… lol.

    congrats once again.

    That said, I’m a first time commenter here though I’ve been following this blog for a while. PP ur doing a really great job.

    @JArch Eyen eka mmi thanks for making me laugh all the time

  15. 132 comments…..una too like gogo. Anyways, my male cousin abroad is the only family member whom I came out to. And he was totally cool with it. Even told me he already knew because no straight guy loves Beyonce the way I do. *eye roll* And I told him because he’s in abroad so he will more likely to be open-minded. as for the others, am so not coming out. Though Popsi have had reasons to ask me twice if I was gay. Guess I was too careless and was bringing home too many Adaobi’s. I vehemently denied and brought home my girlfriend following day and made sure he saw her. I can’t fit to shout abeg. Mumsi has been making some remarks since I left College but nobe from my mouth she go hear say I dry chop nyash. mbanu !

  16. Did I forget to mention I have been keeping a huge Beyonce poster in my room since 2005 and my female cousins have asked me to take it and I told them NO. Gurl run along pls !

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