Since you asked ever so nicely, I have to admit, I’m surprised I made it again so soon. I never thought I’d be able to put anything down so soon after the last – I am LAZY, I’ll be the first to admit it to anyone who can hear. I know it’s more than a week since my last, but even I am surprised that this was able to come this quickly. I still marvel at how Pinky, James, Bobby and DM are able to churn out high quality work on a regular basis and still find time to lead their lives. Una too mush *in thick Warri accent*
So, guys, here goes.
A few days ago, upon a sudden urge, I went back to 2go – a thing I hadn’t done in like four years. About 4 or 5 years ago, 2go was the hookup app of choice. This was a time when blackberries were not as ubiquitous as they subsequently became, and a time when data was not really as cheap as it is today (at least on the blackberry). And so, I had this sudden brainwave that led me to take a peep into 2go, and so I logged on, realized I’d long ago forgotten my password and went through the password reset and recovery motions. Eventually I was in.
I zoomed in straight to the ‘Naija Gay’ room, but was dismayed to find that it was no longer available. I looked around and found a ‘Men’s Lounge.’ I popped in and, lo and behold, the gaybourhood had gathered up its skirts and moved in there!
I must say, 2go is creepier and trashier than ever. I strongly believe that 2go is the place to be if you want to meet the lowest, scummiest, flakiest, trashiest, loser-ish-est (I made that word up), crappiest gays in the land. The conversation that goes on in there is such that with each passing minute, you feel a small part of you dying slowly and tortuously along with a bunch of your valuable brain cells. Gurl, sitting there, watching the convo scroll through, I could feel my brain shutting down, bit – by – bit. Lemme give you a quick sample of what goes down in there. Note, the updates were transcribed as posted. I did not re-touch a word.
AMUagu: Ike na agum ugbua (I’m craving ass right now), onye ka m ga ara (who am I going to fuck).
Vanessa: Umuahia to visit now for a hot sex, I’m alone.
Solid: Huge dicks add up, Owerri tops add up.
Luvme: If u need a help of a place to live and look 4 job, add me I stay alone I will help Igbo guys only add if u can cum ph now.
Happyboy1: Who will help me this morning conji too much for my body.
Tears-of-love: plz y is dt btm cn nt base 4 1 person,pls btm dis question go to u pple.
Everest: Ph men add me I will suck ur anus till u pour sperm matured men plz
And then, there are the bible-thumping, fire-breathing religitards…
Godson: Gay is evil and devilish, repent. Christ is coming soon
Ted: Go home and tell you father that you are a gay whether he will not commet suicide for you. Foolish stupid gays. Curse and abomination from God
The creepiness and stupidity in there is a never-ending torrent of putrefaction. I wonder what it’d be like to meet and have to tango with any of these creeps in person. Tufiakwa to abominations! *in Pinky’s voice, snaps fingers loudly*
The remarkable thing about this app is its seemingly wide national reach. You can sit and watch gays from all over the country, even small remote towns you wouldn’t expect to have any gay people in – Zuru, Jalingo, Azare, Iseyin, Orlu, Ohaozara, Isuochi… (Where on earth are these places?!) …Avutu, Mbawsi, Agenebode, Illah… (Dear Lord!) I swear, sitting in the 2go ‘Men’s Lounge’ is like looking at a map of the Nigerian gaybourhood. It is a pretty interesting geography lesson, and it is a lively though creepy lounge in there.
I once had a chat with a friend about homosexuality being a choice (he’s bi), and he was of the opinion that since the Holy Catholic Church had recently stated that being a homosexual was not a sin, opining that the sin is indulging in gay sex, he was henceforth going celibate. I argued against such fundamentally-flawed logic. In my opinion, it is nothing more than bigotry obscured by a light gossamer veil of doctrine.
Being the ‘good Christian’ that he is, he went on: “If I am born with a tendency to steal, does that justify my acts of theft?”
I replied, “Celibacy is a CHOICE made by a person out of personal or religious conviction.” *rolls eyes impatiently* It just doesn’t seem fair to me to force a (gay) person to become celibate on account of the fact that his sexual preferences are frowned upon by a church, while at the same time permitting a heterosexual person full sanction to explore and enjoy his sexuality on account of the fact that his sexuality is deemed normal and acceptable.
A good instance I’d like to use is this: two babies are born on the same day; one is born gay and the other is born straight. They both grow up and into their teens with each realizing the direction of his sexuality. Going by my friend’s argument, the straight child is free and encouraged to explore and pursue his heterosexual attractions without any condemnation, while the gay kid is condemned and barred from exploring or acknowledging his homosexual attractions, a core part of who he is, simply because the Doctrine says so.
This doesn’t seem fair to me. Well, what do I know? I’d like for our religious brethren to enlighten us more on this issue.
A few days ago, one of this blog’s most active commenters, one who has shown his awesome research skills, had his post published, titled ‘Does God hate homosexuals?’ I must say, I was blown away by the depth of research, as well as the precise and logical manner with which it was all delivered. *puts on Gad a glittery pink PhD academic gown with bright sequins and a long flowing silk cap* However, somewhere in the article, the author led us to gather that the bible condemns immoral and idolatrous gay relationships, but appears to sanction loving, committed same-sex relationships, yes? Good. Now, this same author has several times in the past stated In the comments section that he does not believe in gay dating nor does he believe in the possibility of one man sticking to another man #IronicMuch. So, since that day, this piece of contradiction has been rolling noisily round and round in my head like a loose screw. However much I try, I just can’t get it out. I’d appreciate the author’s clarification on this sticky point.
I have read many articles where successful Blacks and other ethnic minorities in the US were asked how they were able to succeed despite the considerable odds against them. A common theme amongst many of them has been that you have to work twice as hard as the majority (Whites) in order to prove yourself.
Well, I recently realized that for a gay man in Nigeria, even working (and achieving) 50 times as much cannot save you. Here’s what happened. I have a friend in his late thirties, very successful, he is an IT Engineer with a few flourishing businesses by the side. He’s a pretty well-to-do, decent, well-educated chap. He was engaged to be married a few years ago, but somehow, the walk down the aisle never happened. He and his fiancée went their separate ways, and she proceeded to leave the country, while he has never really been identified with any other woman ever since. He has refused to talk about what happened between them. I’ve pushed and prodded, but he just won’t talk about it. So seeing as I really value his friendship, I have canned the topic and filed it under the “mysteries you shall probably always wonder about but never unravel” folder.
Anyway, he is the second of five children, and professionally and financially the most successful. He also happens to be the only one who is still single and unattached. Tongues have wagged viciously in his direction for ages, but somehow he has learned to ignore them and keep his career flying high. Recently, I was able to drag him out to a bar for a hangout (he always seems too busy and more and more reclusive these days. I suspect his “BUSYness” has less to do with his workload and more to do with depressive tendencies and a desire to be alone). Anyway, Yay! I got him (let’s call him Mark) out to a chill lounge one evening, and over drinks we got talking.
And – boy! – once he started unburdening his soul, it was like he couldn’t stop! It turns out the lady he was engaged to marry a few years ago somehow developed cold feet about him. According to her, she had been hearing some unsettling rumors about him, and his firm insistence on “no sex before marriage since we are staunch Christians” stance made her nervous. And, acting on her unease, she decided to call off the wedding. And he was left with a considerable amount of emotional baggage, resolving to thenceforth “focus on my career and make a success out of my life… If I can do that, I’ll be okay, right?”
It turns out he badly underestimated our society and its propensity for ripping into non-conformists. Recently, he was summoned to a specially-convened family meeting, specially called to “find out why Mark has no wife or any plans to settle down when all his mates are happily married and settled”. By the end of a bitter and acrimonious meeting, he’d been made to feel thoroughly worthless. This meeting was one where words like “efulefu” (failure), “ onye nzuzu” (layabout), and “irresponsible” were freely used on him; a meeting where he was reminded with utmost disdain that “Chinedu Orakwe who was born in the same year and same month as you now has three boys while you’re still here…”; a meeting where he was warned to “bring home a wife soon as your unmarried state is making this family a laughing stock; we can no longer have that”.
No mention was made of the fact that his elder brother has six children he can barely feed and is heavily dependent on him financially, or that he also sponsors the education of a number of extended relatives. No! Expectedly, he has since withdrawn into a depressive state. Outwardly, he cuts the picture of a busy Lagos professional, but inwardly the life is slowly being sucked out of his soul. Now Mark is as gay as a unicorn with a sheath of rainbow-coloured. He is (his own words) “not even the least bit bisexual”. And now, he is seriously contemplating relocating from Nigeria to someplace where he hopes to find some peace and sanity and be away from all the judgmental attitude.
But then the sticky question is “how do I abandon all my investments as well as my promising career and move abroad where I shall most likely have to start life afresh?” This question remains unanswered. My dear friend is deeply confused, and I frankly have no clue what to say to him. Y’all remember the 2015 AMVCA a few weeks ago? Remember how Genevieve Nnaji was trolled and tongue-lashed on the social media in spite of how fabulous she looked? This is how one troll put it: “If you like, achieve all the awards, make all the money and travel to everywhere in this world, if you don’t have a marriage and kids, you’re NOTHING!” Just like that, this troll pretty much captured the essence of our society’s views towards unmarried people. Note to DM, Pinky, Max, to me and other members of #TeamNoMarriage, #TeamJustMeAndMyDogs, #TeamJustMeAndMyAdoptedKidsFromAsia. It’s now clear that unlike the African-Americans and other minority racial groups who could work twice as hard and someday hope to excel by virtue of their hard work, as a gay man in this society, working twenty, thirty, fifty, seventy times as hard would still get you nowhere in the eyes of this society. That is, until you take a trip down the aisle. Then your validation is complete.
There, that’s all I have to say for now. I’m out.
Written by Khaleesi