Daughters, I Will Learn To Teach You…

Father-daughter-dad-the-trentWhen I finally decide to blow brazenly into the capacious life of mother – er, fatherhood, synthetically, with a rock and another man’s name, I do not hesitate to say that I would want to raise all girls – two girls.

I don’t want to be a mother (father) to sons.

If I’ve learned anything about being a man, it is that being a father is designed to be a contact sport, and far too many of us retire before we even see what the field looks like.

If I’ve learned anything about a woman, it is that no matter how empowering they seem, their existence was designed to never stand a chance. But it’s a lie. They are strong, in some ways stronger than men. I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior, always have been.

When Edmonton, North London found an eighteen-year-old Nigerian boy, Opemipo Jaji, guilty of raping an eleven-year-old girl, he cried his eyes out moments after the verdict was passed. Every major media news outlet coddled him, instead of the girl he raped. CNN, BBC news grieved over the death of his future as an aspiring Chef.

They said nothing of the cemetery growing inside the body of the girl; nothing of the graveyard where she would bury her trust in men.

Rape culture is the worst kind of teacher kids are learning the most from.

It teaches women that it is their responsibility to not get raped.

It teaches men that ‘boys will be boys’.

It teaches us that a short skirt and a smile is ‘asking for it’.

It teaches us that it’s not wrong unless someone comes to her rescue.

And that is why when I have a daughter or two

With every fibre of my being, I’ll learn how to teach her

How to sew a button

How to cook

How to walk

How to talk

How to twerk

How to shoki

How to use her tampon

How to think like a man… And act like a Lady

How to love every gay man just like I love her dad

How to love and give herself to Love

And if I don’t raise her in a community that will help me teach her to be wary

How to unravel herself from the “chivalries” of men

From their lack of sensitivity and the rotten parts of their deranged masculinity

If she doesn’t learn better from me,

Then what rape culture will teach her when I’m not looking is

That she is as good as that crooked cop from the Lagos State police department, Oshodi precinct

That she is as good as a jail bird or sex offender

That she is as good as the next black boy sobbing on the witness stand

Apologizing to the girl that he raped

Swearing that he ‘didn’t mean to do it’

Promising that his mother –

If he really had one

If she was every inch of the mother (father) that I’ll be

If she cared for him like I will do for my daughters

If she loved him like I will love mine –

That she ‘taught him better’ than that

Hoping that somebody in that courtroom will forgive him

For what? I wonder.

He has yet to learn.

Written by Vhar

54 thoughts on “Daughters, I Will Learn To Teach You…

  1. “how to sew a button” “how to cook” “how to use a tampon”. Really. Claiming to want to empower your daughter, yet still imposing traditional values on her. How about let her be her own person and then supporting her, that’s how you empower her. If she wants to sew, that’s fine, if she wants to be a mixed martial fighter, that’s fine, and she wants to to do it all, that’s also fine.

    • I think you totally missed the point of those lines….they’re purely metaphorical.

      He means that he’ll teach her all he can to cope with every situation. Poetry isn’t to be taken so literally.

      • I disagree lothario! This is not metaphorical, he is stating the life lessons he will teach his daughter! Shoki, twerking, tampons, nothing metaphorical about them!

      • You seem mightily in a haste to rip into someone else after the beating you got yesterday, Dennis. Perhaps you could give the writer a chance to explain what he meant by what he wrote before making categorical statements about his intent.

      • biko, was that a metaphor or was he just being sarcastic? God help me with having figures of speech sticking to my brain. Dennis, sit down and read properly.

      • PP beating i took yesterday? Oga ooo! I am a gay man and expressing unpopular opinions comes with the territory. No offence taken!

        There is nothing metaphorical about those lines IMO and this kind of parenting turns out women who weave their lives around a man. This is not how to raise a well adjusted daughter; expose her to everything and let her find her way. Angela Merkel did not cook or sew to chancellorship! Hian*

      • Lol. Poetry or not, I was expecting him to make another list of what he would teach his daughter aside from all that domestic stuff, seeing that the whole idea of the article is to say that a girl is as good as a boy, even better (as he claims).

    • U ppl can bitch 4 africa over nothing!
      Sew a button you ask! Is metaphoric in the context of teaching his daughter the simple things of life. He started with the basic things a woman should know then proceeded to what “society cosider as in appropriate for a repectable woman 2 be doing “Twerk” to thinking like a man but still staying true to who she is by acting like a lady

      The piece is about Love and being humble. Equiping ur girl child not to not think less of herself like the society would teach her to do, but not also thing she is better than other. To be open and be more accepting. To give love freely and open herself to receive in return. How to be confident and be sure of herself @ all time. Its about seeing good in others even if everyone doesn’t. About giving second chances.

      Ok lemme stop! Vhar I knew this was all you even b4 I got to the end. GREAT WORK!!!!!

    • What is a feminist? Equality simple! If its a son we are talking about now would we be hearing how to sew and how to cook and how to twerk? Is it only women who nees these skills?

  2. Toeing traditional,stereotypical line here,methinks.
    And whoever said women are “designed to not stand a chance” never met my mother.

  3. Oh my gosh!!!!!!, this is awesome…….my dream. I don’t want boys, I won’t know what to do with em. I want girl, cute, smart and lively young women to shower attention on.

    • “I don’t want boys, I won’t know what to
      do with em.”

      Are you sure you’re gay?


      • Yeah, u read right!!!. What d heck has my being gay have to do with raising kids. I love girls, I’m closer to my neices and female cousins than the boys….. So it is what it is.

      • yessss!! I feel the same way too, i once told a friend i’d love to have two daughters and they looked at me weird like “you want your legacy to go extinct after you’re gone” … you took the words out of my mouth, the reason i want girls is cos i’d identify more easily with them than with sons who’d want to play football, advice about girlfriend wahala etc …

      • Absalom i reckon bottoms albeit not all will prefare girls as they would be the mother of the house.. Even if they marry a woman..

        They can easily relate with the feminity I.e the girls.. So his choice is perfectly normal.. If that’s what he wants…
        I don’t think it has anything to do with being gay or not.

      • Jeezuz! Wanting daughters is now a function of sex roles? What about women who prefer sons or fathers (straight men) who get attached to daughters? This is the most ludicrous supposition I’ve ever read.

      • Aunty pinky (defender of the rights of Bottoms)
        Pls if you do not understand my statement just ask for a clarification…

        What I meant is that…
        As regards to Absie’s statement is that.. I do understand if Mercury and Khaleesi don’t want boys as Khaleesi said he would be more comfortably accustomed to teaching them about life.. I.e the Things we know girls, mothers, bottoms (albeit not all) do as oppose to what boys do.. I.e play football and all. I understood thier point.. Why they would want girls as suppose boys… However I didn’t Understand Absie’s statement of “are you even gay?” Bcuz of mercury’s statement.
        Whatever misconceptions you have.. Am confused as well.

  4. That’s why he’s called Vhar Vhar Vhoom!

    Jeez man, where did you get your brains from? I wish we could transplant some of that to some people on this blog. Beautiful one vhar

  5. I guess you will be raising your daughter in 1906! I have no interest in parenting whatsoever but how to cook? How to sew? That is how you will empower your daughter?

    How to unravel the chivalries of men? So she needs the “understand a man” skills to survive?

    Think like a man, act like a lady? That phrase is one of the most obnoxious things i have ever heard because it further sells the narrative that men are better and smarter than women and if you have to survive as a woman you have to act like a man. This is absolute horse shit because there are Men who are so foolish and brainless (a few names come to mind) and there are women who are also very smart. The ability to succeed is not dependent on sex and sexuality.

  6. Vhar I must give it to you.. Brilliantly written piece… It’s never easy to think and write! (Something I am well too familiar with) I give you all the credit for that…

    That said.
    Helloooo judge Juddy Vhar, you piece is filled with so many judgemental statements and bereft of actual facts.

    Women are far more superior to men? Far more?? Says who actually? Even the good book of God (bible) who’s word is far superior to any other says men are the head and women are the helpers.. So maybe women have certian things they are better then men in.. That doesn’t meNa they are far superior to men. I beg to disagree with that statement.

    I don’t have the facts to the Rape case (I’ll probably do a research on it after now) but I don’t beleive credible media outlets like CNN, BBC wouldn’t frown on the suspect and coddle him (in your words) where as leave the girl to rot! I just don’t beleive that statement. They are too advanced on several issues that the victim will be neglected and the suspect would be coddled. It’s an almost impossible situation.

    Lastly, you don’t know the rapist mother and can’t take his words for real.. To think his mother didn’t do her job well. So you never know, she might have done all you claim you would do and the boy still ended up like he did. As a parent you can only do so much… And leave the rest for God. If you like cage them.. If a child is going to be bad.. The child will be bad. There is only so much you can do.

    So judge Juddy Vhar don’t be throwing your little judgemental finger at situations.. People have no absolute control over.

    All in all.. Its a good read. (Nicely written just bereft of facts)

  7. Dennis Macaulay, Hello.

    They are metaphors.
    Really. They are.
    Basic things laced with metaphors.

    The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. Yes, it all came out with a feminist badge of honour. The title is.. I’LL LEARN… Please understand.

    I might be traditional, it doesn’t mean my daughters wouldn’t learn to be their own person

    “here are women who are also very smart. The ability to succeed is not dependent on sex and sexuality”. – I agree.

    But again, this isn’t prose.
    Metaphors, don’t forget that.

  8. @Teflondon, thank God you didn’t generalize. I am bottom and I’ll love to have sons. 2 of them precisely. Daughters would just make my life perfect!

  9. Please don’t forget to teach your daughter (if she is heterosexual) to pay the the dowry of her husband,or better still reject dowry payment on your daughter seeing that she is not a commodity.

    • Werewolves never joke about age,” he said solemnly.

      “Why not?”

      Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno,” he finally admitted. “I just thought it sounded good.

      Rose Wynters, My Wolf Cowboy (Wolf Town Guardians, #3)

      Do you understand this Gad?

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