Those Awkward Moments

Blog_Those Awkward Moments“Why are you gay?”

A long time ago, someone asked me.

“Why? Why are you gay?”

It wasn’t even the kind of question that left wriggle room for doubt. He sounded certain.

“Why are you gay?” NOT “Are you gay?”

Of course, I acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about. “Huh!?”

He persisted. “I’ve seen your browser history. Gay porn? Why?”

I could have just turned tables and started badgering him on why he went through my browser history in the first place, but it would only sound more like me trying to change the subject. My defensiveness would be a statement of my…well, guilt.

But I was scrambling for a good excuse, a persuasive lie, a brilliant answer. I grasped at the ones that came into my head and ran with them. I gave my cousin my phone, he must have done it… Okay, I’m lying, I mistakenly clicked a link on Facebook… It was a mistake…

Yea, some brilliance.

I couldn’t fool him. Jude was my best friend. He could tell when I was lying or speaking the truth. And so, in a more solemn tone, he said again, “Why are you gay?”

And I replied, this time with utmost sincerity, “I don’t know…”

And from that day, Jude and I stopped talking and relating as much as we used to, until we finally stopped talking and relating AT ALL! The aftermath of that was that I missed him.

And then, several weeks later, I went out with a few friends, and you would not believe who we ran into. JUDE!

It was awkward because my friends were also his friends. So while they were greeting him with handshakes and fist bumps, I stood there like Kim Kardashian in a room full of nuns.

“Ah-ahn!” said my really loud friend (let’s call him Samuel). “Jude, you no go greet Kevin?”

Everyone laughed. I even gave a fake giggle.

Jude walked over to me, and gave me a VERY stiff handshake. That was it! A handshake, and our greeting business was done.

Anyway, it turned out we had all come to see the same movie, 22 Jump Street.

Now, here’s where things got really awkward.

Almost every row of seat was full, except the front rows. So our choices were limited. I wanted to sit with my buddies, and then, when I discovered that the only other available seat was between Jude and Samuel, I started looking elsewhere. But mumu Samuel had to go and holler, “Kev, come and sit here na!”

Aswear I wanted to sink into the ground.

I eventually sat there and tried as much as possible not to make eye or physical contact with Jude. He seemed to be studiously doing the same too.

Thirty minutes into the movie, and I already had five cracked ribs and my throat hurt real bad from laughing too hard. And the fascinating thing about the situation was whenever something funny happened, and I looked at the way Jude smiled – his eyes, his lips – something in me would light up as if I had just seen a thousand stars dancing to ‘Let it go’.

And our eyes would meet and then depart again.

Then all of a sudden, the movie started to make references to gay guys and such, and I began to feel very self conscious. I started mouthing “Kill me now” to the heavens. You know that feeling of mortification you get when you’re in the midst of straight people and the topic of homosexuality comes on, and you feel like all eyes are on you… Well, that was how I felt.

Specifically, Jude’s eyes!

I tried so hard not to look at him, even just a little.

And then came the scene that I felt was really relevant in that movie, when Channing Tatum defended the rights of gay guys amongst other things. In that time, I took a peek at Jude’s face, and I swear, he was actually focusing on that scene like it meant something to him. And before I could look away, he turned to me, and our eyes met again.

Finally, the movie was over and the end credits and bloopers had started rolling up. People started exiting the cinema one by one. Samuel and my other buddies left to use the gents, while Jude and I remained in our seats like we planned it. Soon, we were the only ones there.

After what felt like a lifetime of awkward silence, I turned to him and began, “Look, I honestly didn’t know you were coming too. I wouldn’t have come if I knew.”

“No, it’s okay. I know.”

“So, we’re good?”

“Yeah, I guess. And look, I’m really sorry about shunning you these past months. I was just confused.”

“About what? The last time I checked, I was the gay one.”

At that, Jude hung his head like I had pushed a button, a VERY BIG EMOTIONAL button.

And it suddenly dawned on me. The question he asked me then – “Why are you gay?” NOT “Are you gay?” Jude wanted to know WHY I was gay. Not because he wanted to understand me, but because he wanted to understand HIMSELF. The light bulb that went on in my head was brilliantly incandescent.

Then I said in the gentlest way possible, “Jude, are you… are you gay?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t nod. He didn’t speak. He did something even better. He grabbed my very surprised face and kissed me till His kingdom came. It felt like someone had just blown vanilla banger in my lips. It was simply the most delicious kiss.

“Does that answer your question?” he said when we pulled back.

All I could do was nod.

And then, just then, we heard someone from way down the gallery shout, “IT’S A LIE!”

Written by Reverend Hot

75 thoughts on “Those Awkward Moments

  1. Den-den! Den-den-den!!!

    E ma se alaye taya!!!

    From one awkward hot water to another.
    Lol good luck talking ur way out of this one.

    • Nope, they remained on their seats after credit rolled. But even that is risky because last I checked, the cleaners come in to clean up before the next showing.

      • Oh okay! I just imagined kissing a man in silverbird here in portharcourt and how we will end up in creek road police station.

        Anon I missed you bae! How are you

        ***stares daggers at peak***

      • Looool!

        No violence please o!

        I dey jare, just been buried deep in work and life for most part of this week.

        Trust you are good though?

      • Kissing a man in a Nigerian cinema. Very possible. Depends on where you’re sitting. *stares out the window*

      • @Absalom,I have me my pen and writing pad to take notes.

        Kindly proceed with that kissing in the cinemas tutorials…thank you very much!

      • My dear you people kiss in cinemas? Boys are not smiling.

        One time I went to genesis with my then bf on Wednesday. It was only us in the cinema room, we put our legs on top of the seat and front of us and I was contemplating making out. A staff of genesis showed up from nowhere and asked us to put our legs down that people aren’t allowed to match the seats.

        Apparently he was seeing us from god knows where because the room was empty.

        After that embarrassing day, I went and removed “having sex in a cinema” from my bucket list. At least not in Nigeria lol

      • They have cameras in der???,Chei Mufasa ooooo, I think we got a sex tape out there, good thing the manager of the cinemas is queer too.

      • I wish it was fast and furious, it was a freaking children’s animation Rio 2. Silverbird better be ready to pay me royalties if that shit gets out.

    • Nna biko jukwa ya ozo.
      Akuko nke a sokwara uso.
      I’ve heard about things happening in PH cinemas sha…ka m siddon de look godi.

  2. Pinky, no vex…Na fiction be this abi na real life?

    The writers on this blog are slowly but surely feel selfish by only reading and commenting without contributing posts.

    The latter part of it nailed it the most for me.

    Expect a sequel?

      • Oops…didn’t proof read before pressing SEND.

        I meant with the great posts being churned out here recently, it’s begun to me feel selfish for being only a reader and commentator without being a contributor.

  3. Hian!!

    It is a lie oh! Even me too talk say na lie!
    See me waving my hand from side to side when dey kissed and all! U had to include an intruder! It better be an open mined one oh!

    Nd somebody better be posting d sequel soon b4 I pull their sutana during Sunday mass nd expose d thong underneath! Lol!

    Ppl shaa dey try oh! Kissing in public in naija! Oh chi m nwenne!

  4. That question was a very awkward one! However, there are ways to put people on the hot seat without them knowing what happened.
    That said, I do hope there’ll be a sequel. This story just gave me life.

  5. I recently heard that cinemas are fitted with infrared cameras (the ones that can record in total darkness), since then . I’ve been careful about my cinema paroles. I’ve smooched once in the cinema.. We were just six beautiful afternoon, all scattered around.

    This dude is just a kill joy..😒😒

  6. Lol. Maybe m d only one, but i have never seen sum1 that i look at and stars started falling, lol. And three of my paddies i told m gay who wanted to make it a case, i simply told them to go to hell or either stay with me. They gave excuses why they were angry initially and apologised saying it’s my life. The truth is dat ever since i known this blog i hv grown tougher skin than what i had before (Pinky God bless you). Even if my ppl ask me that question i wouldn’t say yes in Beyonce’s singing voice, but in Mariah Carey combined with Celine Dion’s high octaves i would say Yes. If u dnt like me GO AND SUCK DONKEY’S OTULE. BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  7. Hahaha. Very nice story…

    … and Yaaaay it’s a new series! no?

    Biko Reverend Hot… “WE” need the concluding part oooooo

  8. The ‘IZALIE’ at the end of the whole thing is like a happy kind I usually scream followed by ‘Awwwww, how cute’. *keeps fingers crossed for lynching and mobbing that may follow*

  9. Who has watched d season finale of empire???dat bitch fight btw boo boo kitty n cookie gave me LIFE! And omG who foresaw Jamal becoming head of empire?yass d gays be winning yass!

    • Please don’t be posting spoilers here.. Please!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I’m begging you in the name of whatever you believe in please!!!
      Some of us take suspense seriously, very seriously … There’s a way to comment and not reveal anything that happened.
      Deola too, pls take’ve fallen off the wagon few times.

    • *Typical*
      I never get carried away expecting much from posh666. Nways

      And before you think of attacking me… I don’t have any issues with you.

      I just don’t expect anything credible from you dis days. (Putting your previous comments for some days now into perspective)

      • Lol my dear can u see how scattered you are?aswer sum comments u make just makes me wonder like how old are you?are u still under 20 or just an adult who refused to growup u are just scattered and everywhere if u think u have reached dat level to make snide remarks think again u are a joke forreal u need to work harder!!!

      • Just the reply I was expecting…
        Typical posh666 response
        “Attacks the person and refuse to address the issue at hand*

        Bye from me now!

      • Lmaooo sinnex see me oh it seems dis Teflo watever his called has a major crush on me aswer his obssesed with me.

  10. Depending on who “ITS A LIE” is coming from… Finally some story with no happy endings. Don’t I just love stories with no happy ending. (Touch of reality) I got bored growing to always hearing Cindarella-like stories. Reality is unpredictable, more fun. unlike predictable Cinderella-like stories I’ve been accustomed to. That “ITS A LIE” just added a touch of reality to your story. That’s if it is fiction (Cuz I don’t think in reality anyone will actually try to kiss in a Cinema hall when the lights are on)

    Short, interesting, precise and unpredictable piece.
    Hot one from Reverend Hot!
    iLike iLike iLike!!

    • So unless a story has a terrible ending then it isn’t realistic enough? Good things happen everywhere and all the time. Babies are delivered safely, people survive cancer, people find out their friends aren’t intolerant Nigerians, potential plane crashes are avoided.. I’m very curious as to why you think it’s unless something bad happens that a story is realistic. I’d get if you love tragedy but the insistence that it makes up reality in your opinion.. I don’t get.

      • Justjames you know I have asked if I know you before… You and yours_truly comment like people I think I know.. And i am suspecting the two names mentioned above are on and the same person…

        Now back to what you were saying.. I never said that happiness is not happening around the world. All I am saying is.. Happy endings gets boring at times.. We have been accustomed to over time that life is all sweet bed and roses

      • We get you wanting to always have a different opinion, Teflondon! Jist don’t overdo it. Like Chizzie’s constant vitriol spilling, at some point, it’ll get old and we’ll tire of it.

      • Unlike Chizzie, Teflondon addresses issues. He is not bitter nor insultive. The only problem he has is that he is not always “smart” to sheepishly follow align with trending views. Its unfair to compare him with Chizzie

      • @mitch I don’t get this Chizzie “Benchmark” yall are brandishing about… Chizzie has his views, I have mine… So please do take several sits back if you have nothing credible to say to me.

        @Gad you couldn’t have said it better… *blows you hot kiss* just like fine wine “the older the better”

        @Sinnex **hugs and kisses**
        Real always recognize real!! *chop knockle*

  11. Pingback: Those Awkward Moments (Episode 2) | kitodiaries

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