RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 10)

Blog_Rantings Of A Random (GAY) NigerianIt was mother’s day just last Sunday, and I popped into Warri on Saturday to surprise my mom. She did not know I was coming, I did not even know I was going up till that morning; I got up to go for a run and before I knew what was happening, I just needed to see her and was en-route to Warri before 6am. You see, a mother’s love cannot be measured or understood, and the few times I have had cause to rethink my sexuality and the choices I have made were all because of her. I don’t want to be a disappointment to her (it will totally kill me). However, just like Khaleesi said the other day, I have to find a balance between staying true to myself and holding fast to her love. I must walk this thin line.

Anyway, I got to Warri and went straight to her store and the look on her face was priceless as she hugged me and tried hard not to cry. She probably never expected me to come as things have become awkward between us since she started chanting the M word. My sister came around with her kids, and a few other aunties were around, as my mom has always been the rallying point of both families. I stylishly avoided chatting too long with anybody, before they will ask for their iyawo and when I am planning on bringing her home.

Anyway I was sorting out some things from my old bedroom, ready to head back to Port Harcourt in the afternoon, when I heard my mom and her sister talking in her bed room.

Aunty: So, sister, finally you may not get an Igbo son or daughter in law. Odiegwu o! These your children sef

Mom: Well, that is what happens when you raise children across Nigeria. They end up meeting and marrying people from other tribes. We never really lived in Igbo land.

Aunty: What about Eric?

Eric (not real name, of course) is my elder brother who has been in a relationship with an Akwa-Ibom girl since their university days. Those girls never let a man go easily… Hello Jarch, Mercury 🙂

Mom: A Calabar girl has her hands on that one, forget it.

Both of them burst into laughter.

Aunt: And Dennis?

She mentioned my name as if she was treading cautiously, as if it was a taboo subject.

Mom: That one? *sigh* I won’t be surprised if that boy brings home a Japanese grandma or says he suddenly wants to become a monk. I am steeling myself for what Dennis will throw at me, so I won’t have hypertension. He gives me the most concern.

There and then, I became certain that she knows. I don’t think my cousin and his dad have said anything to her yet, but she knows (don’t they always know?). Even as I left Warri that afternoon, her voice was on a loop in my head. That one gives me the most concern…

*

The hottest guys in my company are the store keepers. There are many of them, mostly young and not very educated. The store is a cold storage facility, but because they are always loading and offloading trucks, they are always often shirtless with more than a few butt cracks showing (judge nut).

I love going down here to do inventory (I swear, it is part of my job description). And it’s like being in a strip club with loads of shirtless toned twinks ready to do your bidding. In their eyes, I am the big boss and most of them will be ready to play ball, but after that other bad experience I had, I am being very careful.

There is a particular one that leaves me all flustered, probably around 20 years, and he practically stalks me online. I left my phone in the store once and he brought it to me after of course using it to dial his own phone number and getting my number. He has sent me Whatsapp messages three times, which I have not responded to, but I still have not blocked him either. I know I am playing with fire, but I have not crossed any lines yet. And I probably won’t. But the guy’s brazen boldness is somewhat sexy to me.

*

I describe myself as a grindr tourist; I do not spend long periods of time enough on the app to make useful connections. It is not on my Blackberry, so I only have it on a device which I check mostly just before going to bed. And so I often don’t catch many people online. Last Friday however, most of my crew was not available and I spent the evening on grindr, looking for nothing in particular; just chatting. However I did observe a few hilarious things. Allow me to share them with you:

1. There are no bottoms on grindr, and this is really funny because we know there are so many bottoms around the block. However everyone on grindr is either top or versatile. Many gay men buy into the archetype that the top is the man and the bottom is the woman, and we know that based on our patriarchal systems in place, that the female is often considered less than male. So it will be a cold day in hell before some guys admit that they are bottoms or like taking dick. This also explains why you rarely meet older bottoms, because as these men approach 40, they pretend to become tops as they cannot be someone’s bitch at that age. This I think is the cause of this fad.

2. Photos! Photos!! Photos!!! People tell a lot of lies with photos on grindr, which I also find very funny. You chat up someone and next thing they ask for a photo. And when you send one, they either block you immediately (in that case, you guys have met before and you know he is NOT A TOP) or they send you an unclear picture of themselves. Some even send you a completely fake photo.

Here is what I started doing; if you ask for a photo, I will ask you to send yours first. Some will decline and our chat will end there, some will oblige and send you a photo. I will then proceed to send you a photo too based on the kind of photo you sent to me. Send a clear photo and you get same, send one in which you are wearing large sunglasses and you also get me in large shade plus a hat. Someone sent me a photo of Trey Songz, swearing it was him. I sent him a photo of Barack Obama, also swearing it was me. Our chat ended there, lol.

3. I don’t get the fuss about finding out what I do, as if I am going to reveal my job title along with my KPIs and KRAs to a stranger on a gay hookup app. It doesn’t make any sense to insist, and my solution is often to say I am a corper, and they either clam up or block me. lol.

At the end of the evening, I had a lot of fun and some laughs, but in my opinion, grindr may not be a good place to meet a guy if you are looking for something serious. Historically, my best relationships started organically; from having mutual friends, or when I come to buy a cake from you, or bring my car for you to fix etc. But then again, even that can sink. So, I don’t know.

*

On a final note, a friend of mine wants to find out something.

If you dated someone for some time and his photos or photos of you two together are all over your social media accounts, will it be petty to take them down after you break up?

Remember that I am asking for a friend.

XOXO

DM

94 thoughts on “RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 10)

  1. Dennis, to delete pix and burn other related things depends on the kinda breakup we have and the kinda personality he has.. if it’s a clean breakup I won’t delete em cus it’s a means for me to cling to the happy memories and try to block or forget the messy ones/ breakup. deleting pic is petty/ childish.. but if my ex is totally an ass hole, with a bad/ messy breakup..am afraid all de pix, anything remotely linked to him goes into trash…

  2. You don’t delete pictures of your car after you were robbed of it, nor pictures of your brother after you both fell out. You shouldn’t even remember the pictures are there. He was part of your history, someone/something that made you happy…keep that memory alive.

    **Unless there is a kind of trauma, of which your friend may wish to erase the memory, then go delete-y delete-ah.

    But the best way to deal with a bad memory is to tell the story. To not being afraid of remebering it. To make peace with it.

    Hello Max!!

      • LOL. Pinkpanthertb. You will not kill me this morning 😀 Seriously though, Grindr NG is one hot mess. It’s like wading through an underground sewer with a bevy of rats just wanting to take a bite out of you every step of the way. Not worth the MB it consumes on your phone.Can a brother get a date up in this place?? Hell. I think I might just put out an advert for one in Thisday.

      • There has to be a better way then trawling through these apps. Chile. The amount of loonies I’ve seen over the years. Jesu! I thought using the app in the U.S was bad enough but Nigeria!? Una dun pass my hand, asking about where I work/tribe/religion/church/bank ac.

        I just can’t anymore.*DELETE*

        Somebody better lift these anti gay laws. I can’t be living off visas to find romance!

        Anyway. Feel free to head on over to my blog for some musical release 😀

  3. I still have my ex’s pics scattered all over. Honestly, I really don’t care. It all comes down to personal choice. If you feel you have to take them down, fine. If that makes you sleep better at night.

    Haven’t opened grindr in months.. The place is filled with annoying people. I’m done with it.

  4. “What do you do?” is a perfectly normal question. And safe.

    The one I don’t get is: “WHERE do you work?” I’m always tempted to reply: “Do you want to know my mother’s maiden name too?”

    Asking my ethnic group is also an automatic mood killer – and that’s such a common question these days.

    • Absie its funny and I think it stems from wanting to find out early enough if you are financially independent. There are two sets of people who need this info;

      The younger ones who are looking for sugar daddies who will pay for 6500 cocktails when they hang out

      The older guys who don’t want anybody to sponge off them.

      So each wants to classify you early enough and not waste time

    • Please o. Let me know ur tribe o. I’m still looking to land a clean COCKY hausa fella. I hear Igbo boys av nothing on dose brodas…and Igbo boys av plantain dicks (abi is it only those ones I got down with? *pensive*)

      • Am a typical hausa/fulani indigene.Yes i must say God blessed my people too much aswer an average hausa bois dick is more than what you guys term big in the south n east hello have tasted all all the 3 tribes.especially my fulani people chai how i enjoyed my nysc days in katsina so many slim really cute bois to choose from with their long dicks and honestly hooking up in the north is so much easier+drama free its based on mutual understanding of no strings attached dou alot of malo bois are into codiene so if u can give dem as low as 500naira u can have a malo boi doing anything u wish!okay enough info

      • Ah thanks for the info. I desperately need my own personal “Sanusi” oo.

        Cute hausa boiz give me life! So many things I wanna do to them…

      • U r welcum my dear north is where it all happens.unlike south n east where the thirst for a cute boi is mostly a kito waiting to happen in d north ur sexual wish mostly cums true.kito hardly ever happens in the north kai abeg i cant trade my place for any oda part of naija i have tasted both sides

      • Seriously i have a huge uncut c**k fetish and even though a friend mentioned that hausas are probably mostly cut, i choose not to believe; so i am looking for a nice non suicidal #boko hausa guy just to be sure.
        Don’t even get me started on igbo boy banana dicks. The thought of those and a-holes remind me of Curve and curve fittings. (engineering mathematics anyone?)

      • Lol brian sorry to bust ur bubble am hausa/fulani/muslim so speaking as a genuine source u can never get any hausa uncut guy.its our religion its our custom as soon as a boy is born dey immediately circumsize..

  5. I usually keep ur pics to put u in a state of confusion so u continue to fool urself. Hahahahahaha. But Denny, nothing do ur Maley oo. Japanese Grandma kwa?? Buhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

  6. All these “mom always knows” though…. what if she genuinely feels concern; concern based on something she doesn’t know.

    For her mind, maybe u have been getting ur heart broken by many girls who were after money? Hehehehe

    About the pictures. Yes it is petty to take them down… IMO taking them down only means that you are not emotionally strong to handle the breakup OR u still feel something for this person that the pictures ignite (even if u do, u can’t give that person the satisfaction jare. Hian!)

    • But its not a bad thing to not be emotionally strong enough to handle seeing mementos of a broken relationship, is it? And its not petty to not want to be reminded of it, is it? #justasking

      • Emotional strength, for me is key.

        Not wanting to be reminded of d broken relationship? I want to believe those photos were taken during happy moments …

        Whether the pictures are there or not, we (humans) think of the past sometimes…. (Not sure how to buttress my point) *smiles*

    • @Damilare, I’m with you on this one. There is no way in hell ANYONE I ve a history with is gonna catch in a weak state. Its ok to be emotional about a break up, to friends you can confide in yes! Or just cry ur heart out (I still don’t know why I’m not capable of that crying part. I guess I need to see a doctor)
      But wearing ur pain for the whole world to see? Mbanu! No matter how broken I’m, He will always catch me singing “Its all good” in my lil kim voice.

  7. Ghen ghen…. Mercury we need to hold down the fort when DM’s brother decides to visit “officially”

    Ana anye adi nno mkparawa mkpo, ndien enye adi se mme mbong idung.

    DM I hope your brother is aware we don’t do asoebi in our place during traditional marriage. He should contact my assistant to schedule a meeting with me 😉

    family always knows…. am just glad mummy dearest is geared up for the epic news when the time comes

    Grindr…. had a very horrible (first) experience with grindr and since then I deleted the app and never looked back. the amount of looneys and wankers that troll that sphere of gay dating apps is just outstanding ***shudders***

    If you’re trying to get over someone and you feel those pictures aren’t helping out, then you’ve got to take em down. For me I have nothing against leaving them online, once I delete your number from my phone that’s the end. That’s where my weakness lays cos I’ll be tempted to call you if i still have your number. Whereas looking at pictures of us when the going was good doesn’t mess me up emotionally

      • Looool you heard Mummy dearest na

        Those girls never let a man go easily

        He’s definitely going to come “visit officially” and mercury and I would be on hand to receive the Macaulay family.

      • Lol! Akwa Ibom girls are not smiling!

        Jarch the Macaulays will definitely be visiting your people seeing as they have been together since 2002. Me sef likes the girl sha, but whenever I visit him and she is around you can almost smell the sex in the air. Lol

      • Rarely ever eats out. Even if you guys go out he will just have a beer, there is always a pot of orishirishi waiting at home.
        Lol

      • Shey now you see why I say he’s a sharp guy? Why spend money eating out when you can get better at home

        Speaking home…. Una go come jam me for villa, so better come prepared lol…. you’ve been warned ahead of time.

      • Pinky I know wetin dey worry you… you’re still suffering from the after effects of extra…. Get ya mind out of the gutter mbok

  8. Right now, I dunno if I should download grindr
    Or continue to read stories of how people have fallen out of love with the app. And no, I wouldn’t delete the pictures of an ex. I would like to hold on to something I can use to jinx him.😜

  9. I don’t even know what The Grindr app looks like and weirdly enough I am not even remotely curious, which is quite unlike me.
    I would rather read the stories about the app.

  10. Delete? Nah!

    If anything sef, them pics helps u know if u are. Over the break up. If u still feel some typa way or salty everytime u see. Their pics? Then u are still emotionally attached.

    Time they say heals all things. A few more years down the line and those pic would just be a collection of fun memories and all u can say with a broad smile on ur face is “that year shaaaaaaaa”

  11. There is a difference between them ‘knowing and hoping its not’ and ‘undecided and still guessing’. Except kito av announced theirselves on ur doorstep, or ur mannerisms are a give away, ur mom is guessing.

    There are some STUPID qxns ppl ask on social networks. After aving ur life history on on ur profile page, they still ask – ASL?, role?. I dunno what iritates me more ‘sumbori who drops his contacts without so much as a ‘hello” OR ‘someone who says hello, drops his contact and then proceeds to ask for my picture after adding up’.

    Wrong person to ask seeing as I hate pictures however TAKE DEM DOWN. Too much memories and you won’t let the other get beta boyfriend. Don’t b a stumbling block

  12. I swear u ppl on KD are joy killers. Just last week una de sing grindr praise all over the place, while calling the other hookup forums “creepy ville” ( they are tho). So where una want make I go find man when I decide to call off my self imposed exile from the dating circuit? I ve not use the app and was looking forward to seeing what the hype is about. Now una don shoot that kite down.
    Wetin una want us way no get gay friends way we fit straff their friends or just establish relationship with their friends do? Ok I ve one but he is bent on preserving whatever lil innocence, accroding to him, that I still ve “left”
    I guess I’m just destined to live and die alone
    *sobbing uncontrollably*

    • My dear, I am tired too. Hian!!! Ppl can change mouth…smh
      But I think the general consensus in the gaybourhood is “Once u have too many Nigerians on one. gay date site, it automatically becomes bad market”. But me I think that once u av seen one, u have seen them all abeg.

    • Sweetheart I did not say I dont like Grindr, I was only writing the funny things I observed na. For what its worth Grindr is way better than manjam or 2go.

      However if you are looking for something serious, I doubt if Grindr is the place for you. Except you just want a shag. There are exceptions anyway

    • @Peak, you’re in the market??, shocker!
      And “people” have been throwing themselves @you here which you consciously choose to ignore..

      #CircleOfLife..

    • Lol @ Max ” People have been throwing themselves @ you here, which u consciously choose to ignore”. Is the pot calling the kettle black?? Double shocker!!! U and I know that one of us has a queue of hopefuls that stretches from london to lokoja. So judge not luv. Muaaaah.

      If its any consolation 2 any of my future shags or BF(if that ever happens) I’m taking time off 2 breathe. The gaybourhood works at a very fast pace that needs some getting use to.

  13. Oh Dee… If the split was messy, Burn, Delete, Crush everything that probably would remind you negatively of the person.
    But if it was amicably, you can keep them as a reminder of the good and happy place(s) you once shared.
    PS: Careful with workplace Fishing, doesn’t usually end right.
    XOXO

  14. LOL @Absalom Your damn right Abs. Times are hard and we know Thisday will do just about anything for money. I bet you could put out an advert to hire a hitman and they’ll do it. We could split the advert cost between us. Two pockets are better than one 😀

  15. Hahaha hahaha. Oh this entry got me laughing at intervals, the grindr part especially.
    Curiosity got me to try it but I lost interest, like I always do with all hook up sites. I guess if you’re looking for a quick lay, they are good but if you’re an easy going laid back sophisticated grammar nazi guy, you’ll lose interest and fast.
    Most guys that work in heavy duty departments, lifting heavy equipment and the likes, are always hot. That’s free workout right there and makes me rethink my job on some sexual fantasy induced days.
    Don’t take down the pictures, the hurt would go away and if you look good in the pics then why take it down?
    Nice read one more, I totally enjoyed it.

  16. Hello Dennis, your brother knows what he’s getting nau, who wants to miss that. I don’t think deleting pictures of your ex is necessary, well not everyone has an ex like mine who is still very much present in my life (sex inclusive).

  17. Another gooey rich piece from Dennis!!!
    I shall never tire of screaming from the rooftops and minarets and steeples that a mother’s love is a thing not to be toyed with. If you lose it, you will hurt – and continue to hurt in unimaginable ways. Nevertheless, you must walk that thin line and strike that balance. I personally believe my Mum at this point practically knows that her beloved son ain’t straight, but she continues to love and encourage me nevertheless. She is the only reason i may ever have regretted my sexuality and if ever i am to make any sort of compromise, it will be only because of her – anyone else can get on all fours and kiss my not-so-black ass **rolls eyes***… So Dennis, you need to rise above the awkwardness of the “M” word, you just have to.
    Dennis, King of Twinks!! Continuu oooo, but sha ain’t nothing sexier than a bunch of young scantily clad men with rippling muscles exerting themselves on a football field or while lifting and carrying heavy items – Yum!! Dont we all love bold men (no matter their age),, who know what they want and GO for it. I am personally turned on by guys who are bold enough to grab what they want!
    Sigh … the masculine is superior while feminine is inferior archetype … well, na so we see am, our culture is male dominated and feminine oppressive, hence most gay guys are reluctant to admit that they love to be get fucked and a lot of tops see it as a point of triumph to recount all the guys they’ve fucked, i personally know a top who vows that no one will ever fuck him and in the same breath recounts with glee and pride about how he’s an expert @ bending and fucking tops … smh … he’s a basket of crap!!
    I however know a friend who’s in his late 20s and who is attracted mostly to older men – as old as 60s. He is a strict top (his terminology), and tells me that there are a lot of older bottoms/versatiles, they just need to be comfortable with and trust that you will continue to respect as well as protect their discretion and gurlll, once that’s done, those saggy, wrinkled cakes will fly open faster than you can munch on a slice of cake!!
    Of course Grindr is a hook up app, its where you go when you’re lonely and horny and want someone with who you’ll fuck your brains out. If you’re looking for romance/companionship, thats obviously the wrong spot, still its better than the flagship stores of the creep mall – Manjam and 2go ***shudders violently***
    This was nice Dennis ***muah*** ****drags you away from warehouse full of twinks and shoves you firmly back to your office, slams and locks door***

  18. I don’t see anything wrong in asking for ones occupation, age or tribe. I always ask. If you don’t like it, you can go to hell. I am not asking because I need your money or don’t want anyone to fleece me. I ask because I want to know the sort of person I am chatting with.

    I dislike chatting with those white guys, they are so creepy. When you ask them for their pictures, the first thing they send to you is their nude. You ask for their face and they won’t reply you. You ask for a face picture and they send you 5 nudes expecting you to reciprocate. They assume that when they tell you that they are visiting and presently lodging in Transcorp or Sheraton, that you’d come running to them because you want greenback.

    The truth of the matter is that Grindr is better than the others, except maybe facebook. I have actually met some cool guys there.

    As for deleting pictures, I always delete pictures. If I don’t have anything to do with you, why should I keep it. Besides, I would be furious if I am dating someone and the person decides to upload my picture on facebook…for wetin na…are we getting married or what…biko, let our secret be our secret.

    • You’ll be mad if they upload your pics while you’re dating?? Seriously??
      **Runs to buy more padlocks to keep my heart secure from people like you*

      • ‘I dislike chatting with those white guys, they are so creepy’.

        @My chemical romance, I don’t know if you intended it or not, but this is so offensive.
        Reminds of of what Azealia Banks said in her play boy interview about hating fat white people.

        If a white person had said either of this things, we would all have our hands in the air shouting RACIST!!
        Black people can be racist too, so kindly refrain from making such offensive generalizations. It’s so not cool.

    • My chemical romance

      Soo if you and I were lovers and we went on holiday abroad and took fotos together, you will not share such photos on instagram?

      #AskingForMyPeaceOfMind

    • My Chemical Romance, the reason I’m “uncomfortable” with the tribe question is – in my experience – most people ask this within FIVE minutes of connecting. It’s rather odd, especially when you remember the fact that, in Nigeria, the ethnicity question is HARDLY innocent: people want to know straight-up where to classify you so they know how best to package their ethnic prejudices around you. One guy told me he wanted to make sure I’m not Hausa because he doesn’t like Hausa guys and then went on to say something pejorative about them.

      Even on this blog, haven’t some people stereotyped and said ugly things about gay guys from certain ethnic groups – and even sworn off hooking up with them? So I find it suspect if ethnic lines is the FIRST thing one needs to establish on meeting, whereas there are other conversation starters like what you had for breakfast that morning or the fact that you saw “Gone Girl” the night before…

  19. Lmaoooo i cant believe sum1 actually sent u trey songs pix and kept swearing it was him.him really take u as mugu o.lol u sef like drama u actually sent him barracks pix kai sum people tuff o

  20. “Send a clear photo and you get same, send one in which you are wearing large sunglasses and you also get me in large shade plus a hat”

    Lmao!!!

    *laughs to Jupiter and back*
    DM you never cease to amaze me with your writes ups. Good one once again.

    *blows kisses*
    *dodges slap from (You know who)*

      • @deola
        It was a funny statement to me and DM do write good stuffs which I made remarks to..
        That’s not ass kissing. Those are facts.. Ass kissing on the other hand is.. (am sure you know the meaning)
        *please don’t start what you can’t finish darling*
        *pats your back*

      • Dude…learn to see a joke when you see one. Not everyone is trying to picka fight with you.

        Jokes don’t read well on paper, that being abeg retire this overly defensive crap, we get it your opinions will be forever different…I don’t know about others but I don’t think that’s a bad thing, so stop looking for a fight were there isn’t one.
        PS. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass on this blog, I just happen know how to disagree without acting like a bull on heat.

        Okbye. ***Victoria Grayson Smile***

      • @deola believe it or not I was also joking.. I am easily misunderstood at times.. Or maybe I just suck at being funny… Most of the things I post on here.. Is just to catch fun. *life is never that serious*

        *blows you hot kiss*

  21. Its heart warming to know that we still have people who appreciates the love of mothers in this new age where some sadists shamelessly advocate that the love mothers show their kids was merely a performance of assigned duties not worthy of remunerating.

  22. Sensei,some guys dont have regards for their mothers.im surprised that you dont know this.they are everywhere including here.you may wish to revisit the comment section of the edition of james journal where he expressed worry that his mum,s misunderstanding of him vis-a-vis his sexuality was creating holes on the bond that exists between them.the comment of some people here will shock you

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