JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 31)

Blog_KD JournalMarch 7

I just found out two people on my contact list are gay, and they are brothers! I know it happens, but still – Damn!

I got a warm fuzzy feeling and I am so happy for them because they have each other and they are family and that even brings them closer together. And there and then, I realised I wished I had a gay brother.

Do I hear gasps?! How can I be so cruel, you say. Wish the curse of homosexuality on my brothers?! Do I not care for them? Why would I want to allow anyone to go through the rigors of what it is to be gay in a country like this?

Well, for one thing, I know that having a gay brother would make my life so much easier, and his too, because I know the fear of abandonment by family members would not be too pronounced and I’d have someone who has my back even subtly. And being gay isn’t a curse for chrissakes. It’s hard, yes. But it’s only so because of where we are.

Too often I hear people say that they wouldn’t wish being gay on others. I even used to think like that too. But I came to realise with some help that I’m basically saying I’m wrong for being gay. The only reason I would feel bad for them is if they live in a country like ours, otherwise they are perfectly fine.

I was watching the season finale of How To Get Away With Murder, and there was the scene where the gay guy got a peck on the cheek from his sort-of boyfriend. I felt a twinge in my chest as I really wished I was in a place like that where I could kiss the one I love on the cheek in public and no one would bat an eyelid.

I used to be uber-paranoid about doing things like holding my bf’s hand, but I think I wouldn’t hesitate if the chance came now, as long as the environment is relatively safe and the only thing we have to worry about are stares.

Tuesday

I was chatting with someone over the weekend and he told me his boo hasn’t been talking to him for about a week now. No fight, no nothing. Just sudden silence. I asked him if he had bothered to ask what was wrong, and he said he assumed the guy needed his space and that he was willing to give it to him. And I was wondering how he would be able to do that. He said he loves his bf and he has gushed about him to me a few times, so I’m wondering how you can just sit down and allow someone you love shut you out with no explanation, because I can’t, for the life of me, do it. When things change in my relationship with people and I know the fault isn’t from my end, I like to know why and not knowing why causes a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach if I care for that person. I said the same thing to my friend, though not as detailed as this, and he said whichever way the thing goes, he’d be fine.

Which brings me to the question of how much pain is actually self-inflicted. When people do things that hurt you, how much of it is you hurting yourself?

Personally, I think most of what does me emotionally is from me. That thick skin I’ve been trying to grow is just not there. I talk to the ones I care about and if their responses are off, I begin to wonder what’s wrong. Am I boring them? Are they losing interest? Did I do something wrong? Meanwhile it might not be me. It could just be them. I tell myself this often and I try to let it stick, but it doesn’t work out.

Then I just have to ask. If I’m angry, I have to tell you. If I like you, then I usually wouldn’t hesitate to do that. When I tell people this, they recoil in horror and say that I’m basically just opening up myself for hurt by wearing my heart on my sleeve. But what’s the point of emotions if they aren’t to be expressed? (Well…reasonably expressed)

And besides, I know I’m opening myself up to hurt…Lol. But I also believe in my strength. The hurt won’t kill me. It might not make me stronger, might leave some scars, maybe even regrets. But those things are part of life. I believe God wouldn’t create someone with a huge ability to be in tune with their feelings and leave them weak and not able to carry it one way or the other.

The only issue I have is when the other person refuses to clarify where I stand in his life, and leaves me confused. One moment hot, and the next cold… One moment I’m sure things are fine with us, and the next I’m wondering if I had been deceiving myself all along. It’s exhausting.

And here’s the twist… I think that I kinda actually like it that way. Crazy, right? Emotional masochism. Wanting the thing that gives you pain because it’s also giving you pleasure. Like cocaine ruining a drug addict’s life.

But sometimes, I think I’m the only one who goes through all these things, because I feel like I’m the only one talking about them.

Thursday

When last did any of y’all tell your mothers you appreciated them/her for taking care of you and wiping your dirty butts and changing your nappies? Yes, I know we have a few fucked-up mothers, but some of us are lucky, you know. If she’s still alive, time is running out and you don’t know when next you can say those words to her or even to any of your family members.

Many people would give the whole world to be able to talk to that special someone and say the things they refused or forgot to say. Lol. Think about it.

Lately, I’ve been hearing “That’s how the gaybourhood is”… I remember a recent post where fat people were mentioned. And we said that the gaybourhood was just a big marketplace where the best meat gets taken, that most of what we are concerned is about good looks, money and lots of other vain things.

I am soooo not cool with this. Please note that this is my humble opinion on the issue. First and foremost, we are gay. We are outcasts. But it turns out that there are outcasts within the outcasts. That there are people relegated to the background because they don’t meet up to society’s standards. Does that sound familiar? Isn’t that what the fuck we go through in this fucking country? You’d think we’d be kinder to one another and lift each other up, but instead we bicker and rant and rave and try to push unpopular opinions down instead of having sensible discussions or keeping quiet when it doesn’t go down well with you. Sometimes you just need to keep quiet and turn your eyes the other way when something doesn’t agree with you. And if you feel you must counter it, at least be polite. No need for scathing sarcasm, whether subtle or not.

There is power in words, whether it’s spoken or written. I know you’re supposed to be thick-skinned and stuff, but that doesn’t give us the right to tear each other down with our words. We’re supposed to build each other up. I feel this should be a place for encouragement and gentle corrections and helping people find themselves, not somewhere to show you’re the baddest bitch in town, or the smartest kid on the block, or that you’ve got life figured out and shii.

I’m sure many people that read this blog have opinions but haven’t dropped comments because they are worried that certain peeps will tear them down. I’m also pretty sure a number have stopped visiting, because of the behaviour exhibited here.

I know it’s not always possible to get along, but at least we could try. Maybe the next time you see a comment that irritates you or a post you don’t agree with, before you begin to type away furiously on your keyboard, why don’t you stop and ask yourself whether what you’re saying has to be said or whether the only reason you’re replying is because you feel your opinion you hold so dearly is being threatened. It’s a different thing if the argument is to try and understand the other person’s train of thoughts, but if it’s to just show the person that he is a dummy and that you’re the one who is right, then you’ve got it wrong.

Also, just because something is one way doesn’t mean it has to remain that way. We should know this by now. And I honestly don’t believe the gaydom (see what I did there? *chuckles quietly to self*) is a meat market. Some of us are genuinely looking for friendship and love and companionship. I agree that we are allowed to have our preferences, but because someone doesn’t meet those standards you have put for yourself doesn’t mean you should write them off. I’ve met wonderful friends who initially I didn’t like, but after warming up to them, I’m so glad I didn’t let my standards change the way I saw them.

Human beings…

So even if the gaydom is a big meat market… It doesn’t mean it has to continue that way. If you see someone or something you don’t like or feel like tolerating, if a person doesn’t meet your standards, don’t tear them down. Build them up.

This part of the journal isn’t directed to anyone. I’m not throwing shade. I’m just stating what I and a friend of mine observed. I’m most likely also guilty of some of the things I mentioned. I’m trying to be a better person. And remember, it’s just a humble opinion.

Basically, just because someone is different from you (in any way) doesn’t make them inferior, superior, or unwise, and it sure has hell doesn’t give you a right to judge them and think your judgment is final.

Friday

I like to walk fast. I like to walk in general. It clears my head especially on deserted roads where I don’t have to swerve my body to avoid mad bike-men that think the pavement is part of the road. My mind gets to wander if I’m not listening to music and it can be quite satisfying.

However when I’m distressed, I have the urge to run. It’s not a “lemme wear my running shoes and go for a run” kind of urge. It’s a “drop what you’re doing now and run” kind of urge. I have never really acted on if, because I don’t want to look like a mad man or cause pandemonium by suddenly running. A few times at night in school though, I have run and felt much calmer after.

I’m not sure why I feel better after running.

Today later turned out to be a bad day. The temporary high was gone and I was back to square one on my journey. It sucked. But it did bring out one good thing.

I love the song so much. There’s something about pictures that helps keep a memory forever. It stays frozen. A lover looking into the object of his affection’s eyes… It’ll be there in that photograph for as long as the photograph exists. The love will not die or fade. And sometimes you can still look at those pictures and escape to when the world seemed perfect and the future seemed clearer.

Please CLICK HERE to listen and enjoy.

Written by James

31 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 31)

  1. Thanks Jamie for that observation! If only we would try to be there for one another, making it through life in our stifling country will be much easier.
    Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t a bad idea but from experience, I’ve learned to express what I feel with a degree of caution until I’m sure we Α̲̅я̩̥̊ƺ headed in the right direction before I let them run freely.

  2. Hmmn……..

    Would I wish my bro was gay too?
    Lemme see………

    Mbanu! Hell to the No!!

    One is enough biko, seeing that we r just two! Nd moreover, I still love my mom’s sanity. Hehehe!

    Nice write as always James!

    I read your journals/comments nd I feel ashamed 4 myself. So young yet so smart. As for us, so young nd so…………………….(fill in d blank urself).

    • Kyrxx , my sentiments too. A guy brother? Someone get the stretcher ready for my mum’s fall to the emergency room. It would mean one of us would give up coming out.

  3. nice post James. Only just learning not to wear my heart on my sleeves. You go through old messages , remember calls & conversations and wonder what went wrong. You just have to remind yourself, that sometimes it’s really not about you and let them be.

    On tearing people down, I have definitely noticed the trend. It’s almost like an who can out-bitch the other person contest. Which Ofcourse can be entertaining. But then again people are entitled to their opinions and you can respectfully disagree.

  4. So smart James or cerebral James.. I was unfortunate to be very honest and plain in my relationship, well my partner lost his feelings for me cus, from his background guys shouldn’t be so nice and nobody should be trusted. In this country dear, don’t wear ur heart on ur sleeve. Cus gaybourhood has so much dealt with folks here tht they have become so traumatised to realise honesty and etc.. I do run and stil do when in emotional pains, still helps me. People tht tear others down are people tht are not comfortable with themselves. The world is so large, we all can accommodate each other

  5. PS: James Α̲̅я̩̥̊ƺ ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ D̶̲̥̅ one who did that Ed Sheeran cover? If ‎​Ɣε̲̣̣̣̥§ then I must say, Amazing Voice. ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ could consider a career in music should ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ ever get bored with Veterinary.
    Nah! I wouldn’t wish М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ bro 2 ß̍̍̊ε̲̣̣̣̥ gay, only more understanding, mature n accepting.

    • Thanks Ruby. I did the cover. Wish my guitar were better though. My parents are a huge fan of financial security over pursuing the things you love. I just wish I’d picked a less time consuming course.

    • Ruby, don’t take this the wrong way but is there a way you can type your comments in plain texts? These fancy texts you use don’t translate well to proper reading.

      • Thanx Pinky for that observation. Been waiting for someone to say something. The autotext just messes up with my brain.

  6. Lol. KryxxX.

    I wouldn’t want to share that position with any brother of mine. It’s feels awkward somehow. I’d get jealous maybe; cause he’d be as fabulous as gay can be. I want to be the only fabulous one! (Minus the environment ish’..)

    James, you and I; I don’t know who has more issues.. :s

  7. Great read.

    “Gaydom”. Big meat market. I agree but some of these “outcast” with the outcasted Gaydom are guilty of the actions you mentioned.

    IMO it’s all about self esteem and security. If we can all work on ourselves and be a better person and be confident about it, I guess we are well home and dry.

    Take a good look at mo’nique, *the actress playing Becky on Empire*, sam smith (he talks with his tongue for Christ’s sake; some people judge that), viola Davis and her not so pretty make-up free scenes in HTGAWM…. my point is let us first of all be comfortable with US.

  8. I love myself as a gay dude. I wouldnt mind having a gay bro #winks. Nigeria (Africa) has a bad perception of US, d least we can do is love,accomodate , comfort and help each other. The love we seek should sterm from us and transcend to the whole world. Why seek acceptance when we cant accomodate each other.
    How can we be accepted when we nurture beef amongst us, champion set-ups, wears each other kito… LETS LEARN TO LOVE . Love conquers all.

  9. Having a gay brother is only one less thing to worry about. It doesn’t mean ur relationship will be cordial.

    Some ppl do need their space as you have been prone to several times in this your journal. Personally, I think I appreciate those periods of silences. Helps you constantly evaluate. Do I really like this person OR am I just looking foe a fuck buddy, atm, chat mate, side kick (fill in appropraitely). It also reminds me not to be too dependent on d relationship. Hope for the best while preparing for the Worst

  10. Good points here and there. Do I wish to have a gay brother? I have no idea. Wish I had a brother though. Sometimes it gets lonely figuring out life all by yourself.
    The bit about outcasts among outcasts is very true.
    Like someone mentioned in a comment here, most people have been traumatized from past encounters with people, so they’re afraid to open their heart and love again, or even show emotion. <I'm a victim of this.

    • Some were not traumatized. Some see the hopelessness of loving another man in a country like Nigeria & we refrain from such. Some are actually not cut out for the relationship stuff.

  11. I cant agree less with most of the sentiments expressed on this journal.Its heart warming that you have joined the call for people to watch their reference to others.Thanks for today especially for putting in a word for mothers.i only wish that those who think the care they received and are still receiving from their mothers was just a performance of their duties will have a re-think and come to their senses

    • Enough of the stones,Gad.James didn’t mean that piece to be an indictment,but as a sort of wake up call.
      By the way,you also are guilty of this on occasions

  12. It may come as a surprise and the odd could be 1 in a million, I am gay and 2 of my nephews (their fathers are my half-brothers) are gay. I had always suspected that they were and early this year I asked one of them if he was gay, he initially refuted it and a few minutes later (we were communicating via BBM) he confided in me that he was and that he was born this way and had struggled to overcome the same-sex attraction with no success. I am at least 15 years older than him and I live in the West, I thought if he was having issues understanding or accepting his sexuality he would have me to turn to; this was the reason I decided to ask him.
    He’s now open about it and free to discuss relationship issues with me. It’s hard being gay and even harder if you are living in a society where there’s no tolerance for gays, that’s where I worry for my 2 nephews.

  13. Can’t argue with this ❤

    Do I wish I had a gay brother? I don’t know. My relationship with my brothers is so messed up that I don’t even try anymore.

    We should be on “Iyanla fix my life”

  14. I wish I had a brother, gay or not. It is so not easy growing up with just girls. It is really frustrating. There was a time in my life that I really needed a brother, I wish the one that came before me did not die….

  15. @ Marardy,i have thrown no stones.Please bear in mind that my comments here are always addressed to you and other members of this house and not to a particular individual.also note that any time i wish to address anybody directly,i always mention the names.Please dont read meanings into my comments because it defeats the aim why i give time and efforts to comment here.i have thrown no stones.i haven,t seen reason to

  16. Where does one start?

    Having a gay sibling doesn’t always translate into having someone to confide in. I have a friend whose brother is gay as well and believe me the two of them don’t get along. Their characters and outlook to life are so different that adding the drama of them being both gay just made for a perpetual cat fight whenever they get together. lol.

    The gaybourhood here is just bonkers but if you find someone there is no reason why you guys can’t plan to relocate to San Francisco and tie the knot. Yeah, I love happy endings 😀

  17. Ive always found it weird for siblings to be gay….until i met ebuka uchendu and his elder brother,its asif it strengthened their family tie.

    • Just read through the journal to find out if I may have given anyone’s identity away but I I don’t see how I have done that. No names were mentioned and I was as vague as I could be. If If you know me personally please use social media app to contact me.

      • The notion of people using the blog as a means to air out griefs that they could easily iron out privately when they have such access to the person is something I now find very exasperating.

    • Dan, your comment forced me to re-visit the post. I have been searching for a reference to you and haven’t found one. Please kindly check if you are commenting on the right post

  18. Too long. Was so so bored and skipped a lot. You have nice ideas and material, just jeep them short and sweet. Thanks

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