I just found out two people on my contact list are gay, and they are brothers! I know it happens, but still – Damn!
I got a warm fuzzy feeling and I am so happy for them because they have each other and they are family and that even brings them closer together. And there and then, I realised I wished I had a gay brother.
Do I hear gasps?! How can I be so cruel, you say. Wish the curse of homosexuality on my brothers?! Do I not care for them? Why would I want to allow anyone to go through the rigors of what it is to be gay in a country like this?
Well, for one thing, I know that having a gay brother would make my life so much easier, and his too, because I know the fear of abandonment by family members would not be too pronounced and I’d have someone who has my back even subtly. And being gay isn’t a curse for chrissakes. It’s hard, yes. But it’s only so because of where we are.
Too often I hear people say that they wouldn’t wish being gay on others. I even used to think like that too. But I came to realise with some help that I’m basically saying I’m wrong for being gay. The only reason I would feel bad for them is if they live in a country like ours, otherwise they are perfectly fine.
I was watching the season finale of How To Get Away With Murder, and there was the scene where the gay guy got a peck on the cheek from his sort-of boyfriend. I felt a twinge in my chest as I really wished I was in a place like that where I could kiss the one I love on the cheek in public and no one would bat an eyelid.
I used to be uber-paranoid about doing things like holding my bf’s hand, but I think I wouldn’t hesitate if the chance came now, as long as the environment is relatively safe and the only thing we have to worry about are stares.
I was chatting with someone over the weekend and he told me his boo hasn’t been talking to him for about a week now. No fight, no nothing. Just sudden silence. I asked him if he had bothered to ask what was wrong, and he said he assumed the guy needed his space and that he was willing to give it to him. And I was wondering how he would be able to do that. He said he loves his bf and he has gushed about him to me a few times, so I’m wondering how you can just sit down and allow someone you love shut you out with no explanation, because I can’t, for the life of me, do it. When things change in my relationship with people and I know the fault isn’t from my end, I like to know why and not knowing why causes a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach if I care for that person. I said the same thing to my friend, though not as detailed as this, and he said whichever way the thing goes, he’d be fine.
Which brings me to the question of how much pain is actually self-inflicted. When people do things that hurt you, how much of it is you hurting yourself?
Personally, I think most of what does me emotionally is from me. That thick skin I’ve been trying to grow is just not there. I talk to the ones I care about and if their responses are off, I begin to wonder what’s wrong. Am I boring them? Are they losing interest? Did I do something wrong? Meanwhile it might not be me. It could just be them. I tell myself this often and I try to let it stick, but it doesn’t work out.
Then I just have to ask. If I’m angry, I have to tell you. If I like you, then I usually wouldn’t hesitate to do that. When I tell people this, they recoil in horror and say that I’m basically just opening up myself for hurt by wearing my heart on my sleeve. But what’s the point of emotions if they aren’t to be expressed? (Well…reasonably expressed)
And besides, I know I’m opening myself up to hurt…Lol. But I also believe in my strength. The hurt won’t kill me. It might not make me stronger, might leave some scars, maybe even regrets. But those things are part of life. I believe God wouldn’t create someone with a huge ability to be in tune with their feelings and leave them weak and not able to carry it one way or the other.
The only issue I have is when the other person refuses to clarify where I stand in his life, and leaves me confused. One moment hot, and the next cold… One moment I’m sure things are fine with us, and the next I’m wondering if I had been deceiving myself all along. It’s exhausting.
And here’s the twist… I think that I kinda actually like it that way. Crazy, right? Emotional masochism. Wanting the thing that gives you pain because it’s also giving you pleasure. Like cocaine ruining a drug addict’s life.
But sometimes, I think I’m the only one who goes through all these things, because I feel like I’m the only one talking about them.
When last did any of y’all tell your mothers you appreciated them/her for taking care of you and wiping your dirty butts and changing your nappies? Yes, I know we have a few fucked-up mothers, but some of us are lucky, you know. If she’s still alive, time is running out and you don’t know when next you can say those words to her or even to any of your family members.
Many people would give the whole world to be able to talk to that special someone and say the things they refused or forgot to say. Lol. Think about it.
Lately, I’ve been hearing “That’s how the gaybourhood is”… I remember a recent post where fat people were mentioned. And we said that the gaybourhood was just a big marketplace where the best meat gets taken, that most of what we are concerned is about good looks, money and lots of other vain things.
I am soooo not cool with this. Please note that this is my humble opinion on the issue. First and foremost, we are gay. We are outcasts. But it turns out that there are outcasts within the outcasts. That there are people relegated to the background because they don’t meet up to society’s standards. Does that sound familiar? Isn’t that what the fuck we go through in this fucking country? You’d think we’d be kinder to one another and lift each other up, but instead we bicker and rant and rave and try to push unpopular opinions down instead of having sensible discussions or keeping quiet when it doesn’t go down well with you. Sometimes you just need to keep quiet and turn your eyes the other way when something doesn’t agree with you. And if you feel you must counter it, at least be polite. No need for scathing sarcasm, whether subtle or not.
There is power in words, whether it’s spoken or written. I know you’re supposed to be thick-skinned and stuff, but that doesn’t give us the right to tear each other down with our words. We’re supposed to build each other up. I feel this should be a place for encouragement and gentle corrections and helping people find themselves, not somewhere to show you’re the baddest bitch in town, or the smartest kid on the block, or that you’ve got life figured out and shii.
I’m sure many people that read this blog have opinions but haven’t dropped comments because they are worried that certain peeps will tear them down. I’m also pretty sure a number have stopped visiting, because of the behaviour exhibited here.
I know it’s not always possible to get along, but at least we could try. Maybe the next time you see a comment that irritates you or a post you don’t agree with, before you begin to type away furiously on your keyboard, why don’t you stop and ask yourself whether what you’re saying has to be said or whether the only reason you’re replying is because you feel your opinion you hold so dearly is being threatened. It’s a different thing if the argument is to try and understand the other person’s train of thoughts, but if it’s to just show the person that he is a dummy and that you’re the one who is right, then you’ve got it wrong.
Also, just because something is one way doesn’t mean it has to remain that way. We should know this by now. And I honestly don’t believe the gaydom (see what I did there? *chuckles quietly to self*) is a meat market. Some of us are genuinely looking for friendship and love and companionship. I agree that we are allowed to have our preferences, but because someone doesn’t meet those standards you have put for yourself doesn’t mean you should write them off. I’ve met wonderful friends who initially I didn’t like, but after warming up to them, I’m so glad I didn’t let my standards change the way I saw them.
So even if the gaydom is a big meat market… It doesn’t mean it has to continue that way. If you see someone or something you don’t like or feel like tolerating, if a person doesn’t meet your standards, don’t tear them down. Build them up.
This part of the journal isn’t directed to anyone. I’m not throwing shade. I’m just stating what I and a friend of mine observed. I’m most likely also guilty of some of the things I mentioned. I’m trying to be a better person. And remember, it’s just a humble opinion.
Basically, just because someone is different from you (in any way) doesn’t make them inferior, superior, or unwise, and it sure has hell doesn’t give you a right to judge them and think your judgment is final.
I like to walk fast. I like to walk in general. It clears my head especially on deserted roads where I don’t have to swerve my body to avoid mad bike-men that think the pavement is part of the road. My mind gets to wander if I’m not listening to music and it can be quite satisfying.
However when I’m distressed, I have the urge to run. It’s not a “lemme wear my running shoes and go for a run” kind of urge. It’s a “drop what you’re doing now and run” kind of urge. I have never really acted on if, because I don’t want to look like a mad man or cause pandemonium by suddenly running. A few times at night in school though, I have run and felt much calmer after.
I’m not sure why I feel better after running.
Today later turned out to be a bad day. The temporary high was gone and I was back to square one on my journey. It sucked. But it did bring out one good thing.
I love the song so much. There’s something about pictures that helps keep a memory forever. It stays frozen. A lover looking into the object of his affection’s eyes… It’ll be there in that photograph for as long as the photograph exists. The love will not die or fade. And sometimes you can still look at those pictures and escape to when the world seemed perfect and the future seemed clearer.
Please CLICK HERE to listen and enjoy.
Written by James