RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 8)

As a child, my nickname was Konan The Destroyer (Did anyone watch that movie as a child?), because I had a tendency to break stuff that were previously working – toys, remote controls, watches etc. I would either rip an item apart myself to figure out how it works and what’s inside, or I would most likely step on it one day without knowing and break it. My folks always endeavoured to keep valuable stuff out of my reach. And I got more than a few spanks for this, no matter the fact that they were subconscious deeds.

I am a grown ass man now, but that characteristic hasn’t quite gone away. I am still somewhat clumsy. Figurines fall off my hands all the time and break. I always have a pouch for my smartphones, otherwise they could get broken in less than a week of purchase. I visit some of my close friends and they kind of stalk me around the house while we chat, and if they see I am getting too close to something expensive and breakable, they will step in between me and the stuff.

I did not realize how bad it was until I began to notice at work that whenever I walk too close to somebody’s desk, they would hold their computers down with two hands; apparently I have tripped on wires a few times before and sent printers and computers crashing down to the floor, so they kind of protect their stuff. I am wondering if it is a real thing, as in something I can see Sensei about.

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I live in Port Harcourt, a city that I absolutely love (besides the traffic of course), and some of my friends call me the Mayor of Port Harcourt. lol. There is of course a mayor of this city.

However, today, I shall accept this title, albeit honorary, and give you guys a few pointers on cruising in Port Harcourt. If you are new in this town and looking to meet guys or at least just cruise without going through the hassles of Grindr, 2go (*shudder*) and Manjam (creep mall), let me give you a rundown of what you should do.

1. On the weekend, go to Gifty’s Daughter (a spa on Khana Street in D-Line), and you will most likely find a few gay men getting facials. (You may or may not find me there too, depending on my financial situation *sigh*) If any Nollywood celebrity is in town, you are likely going to see them there, getting ‘something’ done.
2. If twinks are your thing, then head to Mr Price at the Port Harcourt mall; it is almost an annex of the University of Port Harcourt. Cheap, casual clothing brings the boys to the yard, plus there are changing rooms where you can spy a live feed (JUDGE NUT).
3. Head on down to Kusina in the evening of a weekend. This is a karaoke place on Woji Road in GRA Phase Two, and I can bet you that you will certainly find a few divas fighting over the microphone to prove that Adele has nothing on them. If karaoke is not your thing and you prefer a live band, then move down to Cheers Bar, where you will most likely find me and my gang on a Friday night. Just chill till the music comes on, and the masks will come off along with the hair pins. Lol.
4. If all of this fails and you are really desperate (bless me father for I am about to sin), head down to Christ Embassy on Sunday morning. Don’t go to any small neighborhood branch, move straight to the regional headquarters along Psychiatric Hospital Road, and take your pick from the sea of young men in shiny suits and jerry-curled hair, and thank me later.

Don’t ask me how I know these things; I just know them. *blowing air gently on my coffee and taking a sip*

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My coworkers are trying to match-make me with yet another girl, and it is all too funny.

This time, they picked a new employee at another branch who I must admit is ravishingly beautiful, but I admire her the way you would admire a painting, not really with anything sexual going on in my mind. She has been getting too close for comfort to me, and I am trying to find a way to curve her (that’s the pop culture word, right?) without hurting her feelings.

We were on a work trip to Lagos recently, and when I arrived with my own people at the hotel we were to stay, the new girl had already arrived and was sitting at the reception (stalker much?). She hugged and greeted me with excitement, a gesture I did not reciprocate. And when I was headed upstairs, she asked for my room number. I responded with a lie, reeling out a room number I’d picked out of thin air. Thirty minutes later, she was at my room; of course, my nosy female colleague, who thinks we are a good match, had given her the right number. We were supposed to go out to grab a bite, but the rest of the group intentionally bailed on us. Eventually I found myself sitting alone with her in Cold-Stone Creamery, forcing awkward conversation. (For the first time, the ice cream in that place did not taste good; I felt stifled).

The following day, just before the session started, one of my married female colleagues brought up the girl’s matter again, and while we were on it, another swooped in on us with the same topic. The first one exclaimed: “Oh Dennis, we did not plan it ooo… This is God speaking to you, the voice of man is the voice of God… That girl fits you perfectly and you are not exactly getting younger…” I just listened out of respect, as they are older than me by more than a few years. Inwardly however, I berated myself, as this is the result of getting too close to people; they begin to poke their noses into your affairs.

I put an end to the matter by telling them that marriage is not in my cards at the moment, and that at this age that we are in, no girl wants a boyfriend; their sights are set firmly on the altar, wedding band in tow. So seeing as I am not ready for marriage, there is no point starting a relationship now. That ended the subject temporarily while I ogled the new male intern. (Again, Judge Nut)

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Amongst my friends and some folk here on KD, I have a reputation for being a twink lover (*plugs in Korede Bello’s music*). And while I’ll admit that I have robbed a cradle or two in the past (all over 18, please), I am not exactly a twink-ho. The truth is that I like me a slim man – well toned body, flat abs, lean and waiflike muscle frame (no akpans, please), high cheekbones and strong jaw line (Hello, Max). However I am 28 years old, and the sad reality is that many men around my age don’t come that way. I was telling a friend the other day that slim men without a pot belly and over 30 are an endangered species. (Except, you consider vampires like Bisi Alimi) And I will not be attracted to you if you cannot take care of your body – the greatest gift you own.

I will probably get some flak for this here, but let me just share my opinion on this matter. I agree that genetics has a big role to play on body issues, but I also expect that we put in some effort. In my experience, I have found that exercise is not that hard if you can find something you can enjoy, and the options are limitless; dancing, running, tennis, cycling, basketball, swimming, football etc. Find something that you enjoy doing and get into shape doing it. Do it for your health, but also importantly, do it to love the body that you see when the clothes come off.

The young men that I often like do come pre-baked, according to specifications. But as we get older, your body begins to change, which is why you should take responsibility for it and put things in shape; if you so desire, that is.

Have a great week guys.

OAN: I had dinner with Mercury over the weekend. Nothing fancy, we just stuffed our faces with French fries and gulped glasses of Orijin while we talked about love, life and all things in between. I think it is the start of a mutually beneficial (*cough*) friendship.

I would also like to clarify that he has the sexiest lips ever and cakes of eternity. Anyway the evening ended late in the night, and I may or may not have dropped him off where he was staying. Pardon me, but my memory is a bit hazy from all that beer.

XOXO

Written by Dennis Macaulay