JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 30)

Blog_KD JournalFebruary 26

This is a long ass post. You have Pinky to blame for that one, since he asked for my spot last Sunday. Happy reading.

I’ve started work in Lagos. As I write this, I am there looking at all the weird machines that will hopefully become familiar with time.

Working – no, learning here is dull. My supervisor does a lot of paper work where she has to record her findings and stamp stuff. Whenever I notice she’s doing a test however, I go to meet her and start asking questions. She’s never called me to see anything so far. She’s a nice lady, she seems easy to get along with.

There’s another IT student who schools in the polytechnic of my city, and she’s pretty friendly. We got talking and she asked what church I attend, and I told her I go to church frequently when I’m at home but hardly when I’m in school. She then went on to call me a “big boy” which I took as sarcasm. Whatever… I genuinely enjoy going to the church in my hometown. I feel some semblance of safety there, and what they teach, I understand. I may not agree with them all the time but I understand.

Last Sunday had the pastor talking about being loving and loveable and he made a lot of valid points. It’s in the bible somewhere that before you can love, you need to be knowledgeable and show discernment. He equated it to our relationships with one another.

We make the mistake of showing others love the way we want to be shown love, but it doesn’t mean the other person actually appreciates being shown love like that. Take me for example; showing signs of jealousy is one way to let me know you love me, but others would take it as the person being unnecessarily paranoid. Some consider you just being in their room with them enough to show that you love them (most times), but the other person may need you to talk and show interest in having a conversation. Stuff like that…

So I guess what I’m saying is that you need to know how the other person wants to be loved and you show it that way according to your judgment (the judgment part is where he starts mentioning having sex and all). Anywho, I can say I took away something valuable that Sunday unlike most of the other times I’ve been in church at school.

I was home briefly for the weekend to pick up some stuff like my guitar and log book. My mum was not happy. She couldn’t look at me. She appeared thinner. I pretended like I didn’t notice and went to the room to talk to a cousin of mine who knows of my same sex attraction. She told me my mum complained bitterly about my spending my birthday in Lagos and with a boy. She said she mentioned my spirituality, that I have started asking questions. I think she thinks I’m rebelling or something because I am wondering why there tends to be some discrepancies in the bible.

The word said: “Thou shalt not kill.”

It didn’t say: “Thou shalt not kill unless thou art performing self defense.”

Just “Thou shalt not kill.”

And I asked my mum, if the Israelites weren’t to kill, then why did they go to war? They’d end up killing in the wars, right?

She tried her best to answer. I was satisfied with the answer somewhat. But I was also reminded that sometimes what you need is faith in these matters. Some things can’t be understood, but you just need to have faith that they are true.

Back to my mum…she thinks me asking questions is a bad sign. I wonder if she wants me to blindly believe everything I’m told. I was brought up to question things and not accept them for the way they are, but as soon as questioning things touches religion, it appears to be a taboo.

Anywho, me and my cousin talked for a while and I was getting bitter again. I decided to talk reasonably to my mum. But as I went into the kitchen to meet her, all my well reasoned arguments fled and all I could do was ask her to please look at me, and then went on to assure her that I had females in my life. Something about it all is just so heartbreaking. I don’t think anyone can understand. She looked so small and disappointed; she couldn’t look at me. It was enough to tear my heart into pieces.

But I’m not as scared as I was three years ago. I think it’s time I start facing the painful truth that at some point, I will have to disengage from her and live my life to the fullest and be who I want to be. I love her to death, but I also want to be happy. But if love is about making the other person happy, who should compromise here, me or her?

Saturday

Today was bliss. Pure bliss. A fond memory I’ll keep locked away and bring out in my darkest hours. I will not say why. I just want it to be recorded. I wonder if it’s coincidence the date (February 21) is the inverse of my birthday. Hmmm.

My dad also called me today. It felt weird. He was just checking up on me, and me, I was worried I was in trouble or something. Lol.

Monday

I’ve been letting my hair grow out again. I felt weird all those times it was short. There’s no fancy hair cut though, just a nice kinda fluffy fro. Relaxer does absolutely nothing to my tight curls, and believe me, I have tried. My hair just refuses to straighten out. It however does get easier to comb and I don’t think I want my hair to be straight anyways.

So, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I look or anything. I keep my hair combed. I dress corporately to work as best as I can (no ties though, I hate ties), and I’m clean and tidy. However this nurse has made it her aim to tell me to cut my hair all the time. She’s called me ugly and said I would look more handsome if I cut my hair. And I want to scream, “Bitch! Shut the fuck up! My boss isn’t complaining, so what makes you think I need your opinion!” Last time she did it, my face hardened and I continued with the episode of Glee I was watching but had paused to listen to her, because I felt she had something sensible to say. She grumbled about me not listening to her, but I didn’t bother. I pray she gets the message because the desire to say something is getting stronger. I don’t want to be rude to anyone.

Speaking of Glee episodes, this one was about a wedding. My thoughts are kind of changing about gay marriages. It would be nice to have a gathering where I declare my love for a person. I don’t need it to be in a church or anything. Now get this, it IS MY own opinion. If you have any contrary, good for you. It’s a free world. Don’t tell me it’s right or wrong or whatever, because the world thinks being gay is wrong, but almost all of y’all here are as gay as can be, so let’s keep the hypocrisy in the drawers please.

My friends and I talked about married gay men. It was agreed that the society does pressure most gay guys to marry girls and not everyone can withstand it. Heck, I know some gay guys who even want to marry because they want that fairytale of a wife to come home to and little kids that they helped make. I see nothing wrong with that. I’m even very willing to keep quiet if a married gay man sleeps with men (as long as he is reasonable enough to use protection and still keep his wife happy and is not doing anything to jeopardize the family).

However what ticks most of us off are those that ride high horses. Those who, because they are married, expect us to join the club and tell us we are immature for knowing that entering a marriage with a woman would not make either of us happy. Those who in one breath will say they want to fuck a guy, but in another breath say “they are not that gay”. Those ones have issues.

Wednesday

When you’re with the person you’re hoping for a relationship with, you tend to be on your best behaviour. You show them what you know they’d like to see. You take your flaws and issues and put them in a dark corner. Sometimes you get lucky and you’re finally going out with the person, you hope it all stays hidden. But you can’t hide who you are forever, it comes out subtly at first, then full blown till your partner sees you as a stranger and you wonder what went wrong.

Don’t fall into that trap. Be with people who know who you are, flaws and all. And yet they still love you. Those that can’t handle it, you should be grateful you spared yourself some massive heartache.

I know relationships aren’t as simple as that, but it’s the simple things that make up complex mechanisms.

An aunt beeped me on whatsapp. She’s in America. She enquired about school; I told her I was doing my IT. Then, she not-so-subtly asked me about my girlfriend. That’s when I rolled my eyes. Lol. I think my mum sent her. I was torn, almost wanting to reassure her that all was well in that department, but then I changed my mind and was more subtle. I told her I was different from most guys, that I’ve been unlucky with girls (true here), and that having a girlfriend is soooo not on my priority list.

I can’t wait for when they will start asking when I will marry. Lol.

Is it weird that after I’m done painting abstract things, I feel like I’m coming out of a trance? Maybe it’s the demonic possession thing a literature teacher told me I had when I was studying for A-level.

Wow. Look! You made it till the end. Have yourself a cookie.

Written by James

71 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 30)

  1. First of all, most parents take questioning them back as challenging them or something. They feel they know better and you shouldn’t question what they feel is their authority.

    Secondly, am so guilty of d fairy tale married to a lady ish oh! I already have everything from my proposal to life after the wedding in my head! I dream nd fantasize like no tomorrow. It saddens me. I can’t help it nd i can’t even help d fact that I have never slept with a lady for once! Had this old friend who is always asking me to try it! Am like, How? Grab a lady nd rape her? I dont get!

    THIRDLY, PEOPLE SHOULD LEAVE OTHER PEOPLE’S HAIR ALONE! AM SUPER PISSED WITH THIS COS I HAD TO CUT MINE OUT OF PRESSURE! I WALK AROUND WITH A CAP NOW AND I FEEL LIKE BREAKING EVERY MIRROR IN SIGHT! I KNOW WAT FITS ME ND I HAVE A MIRROR! WHEN I LOOK GOOD, I KNOW!

    And as for the way we want to b loved, me wants just cuddling oh! NO SEX! HEHEHE!

    Nice writeup Jamie boo boo!
    Happy Sunday y’all!
    Welldone Pinky for keeping it Holy nd not Hoe-ly!

    • I don’t need her to come around anymore.. I think I’ll be content if we treated it like one big Elephant in the room we choose to ignore.

      • Methinks she’s coming around,just not happy she’s the one giving ground.
        Another thing,you do not that elephant ‘tween you and your mom.Believe me,you don’t.

    • James, I ve said this b4 and ama sAy it again. You ve a great mom. I think sometimes we are too selfish to see things from their angle. She is coming around. Maybe not as fast as u want her to, but she is. Just give her time.
      Some of us had to wage all kinds of war for years just to accept our OWN self, but are quick to shout foul play when others don’t immediately accept us. Give her time and just do U.

      By the way, I totally agree with chestnut, u are one brave rascal!

  2. @James: it wasn’t that long nah – or maybe it’s because u warned us b4 hand,so I was prepared? Anyway,I WILL have a cookie sha! lol. Nice entry, per usual. Ur bravery astounds EVERY. FUCKING. TIME!

  3. The person that should compromise is the one who understands that love is about making the one he loves happy.the greatest mistake people make with scriptural interpretations is when they handle it like a novel.apart from the fact that we need spiritual inspiration to be able to comprehend some aspects of the bible,we sometimes have to put into consideration historical and theological factors around the text in focus.note that God is his word.He is incomprehensible.so is his word.therefore one cant understand all aspects of God except the holy spirit leads one into these secrets. i forgot that this is not a bible study class. let me run.nice entry James

    • Gad U do understand that the bible is a book?
      Like and other book, they are meant to be read! No? And the essense of reading is to gain knowledge and for that to happen, u ve to understand what is being read.
      There are a lot of discripancies in the bible, I’m not about to go into that. Its a book of mystry. So I ve resolved that I’m just going to take what makes sense to me and apply it to me cos that’s what today’s christians do. They don’t understand the book themselves so everyone just picks things selectively and slap whatever meaning they want to it.
      Trying to fully understand the bible is like searching 4 a grain of rice in the desert. So please don’t make this sound like u ve to ve this extra supernatural power/insight to understand it cos there is no such thing. Its just another illusions that the mighty “Christiandom” created.

      • Peak,you have said it all.the Bible is a book of mysteries. only those who have been granted access into these divine mysteries can decode it

      • Hopefully, you’ll all get the memo someday!! Its a book written by men whose lives were separated by decades and even centuries..it chronicled the beliefs and aspirations and conquests of a people who like so many others across the globe believed that they were a ‘specially chosen’ race of men. A lot of its true meanings are lost in translation and frequently deliberately worded vaguely and ambiguously in order to suit whatever interpretation is most convenient as suits selfish ends … the discrepancies and ambiguities that are littered all over its verses should by now have opened your eyes to that, however, the influence of the opium is very strong, so ….
        Its been over 4000years and i cannot fathom nor do i have any desire to fathom why u should live according to the dictates and realities that were obtainable 4millennia ago as laid down by a people who’s realities i will likely never understand …. ***stares defiantly into the face of the religitard opium addicts***

    • @Gad, you need to go and take several seats. The bible is a book written by men. Don’t ever forget that. Inspired by God or not. the focus word here is “inspired”. It was inspired by, not written by.
      People get inspired by different things before they produce a piece.
      Just like Peak said, people take versions of the bible and slap their own meaning to it.

  4. Family does this emotional blackmail thing and it drives me nuts. “don’t you want me to be happy? Wont you do this to make me happy”
    I don’t fall for it anymore, if you love me too and want the best for me you will respect my choices. James stay true to yourself, even if they no longer come around at least your stand is known.

    I hate ties like you but unfortunately I have to wear one 4 days a week except for Fridays when we have to do promotional couture in those t-shirts that I hate, so you are in good company. I was also recently forced to shave my beards because of a work thing, so I can relate too!

    Beautiful Entry💋💋

    • I hate suit and ties with a percentage hate of 99.999%, but I have to endure the misery for 14 hours everyday for 5 days. Also had to shave my side burns(my prerrie burns). I was sober for two days after shaving it. For a few weeks, I felt like I lost my identity. Life is a bitch, thats why I mostly dont give a damn about people these days.
      And dont even get me started with the emotional blackmail of family. I know how to handle them.
      Life is too short to live on people’s terms. In the end, no one makes it out alive. So just LIVE FOR YOU!!. Family has done their job in raising you(Its your basic human right to be taken care of by them), so they shouldn’t use it as a bargaining chip in trying to make you do their bidding.

      • 14 hours??? O’boy na u de calculate jona salary?

        Hmmm I still can make up my mind in what box I would place u and ur personality u this guy. One day u sound like cupid’s offspring the next minute u sound like an injured lion. Life is a bitch and that’s why u don’t give a damn about ppl anymore? Haba Max! Try de take the advice way u de give when it comes to ppl and love.

        Eku sunday

      • Shocker: Max likes what DM likes and hates what DM hates….to the 156,000th decimal place

        *flips on Obvious Newtork Inc magazine*

  5. Most people don’t marry cos of societal pressure. To some,it is also what they want to do. Marry a lady,have children etc. We don’t like being judged yet we sit in judgement on other’s life.

    • Pete,i thought i was the only one that noticed the double dealing. the most laughable one is that of the person who told his friend to choose between him and dating a MGM and their friendship.I was shocked that he didn,t feel ashamed to tell us of his high-handedness and “wisdom from the rear”

  6. I don’t get. If your mom knows, why is she getting family to ask about a girlfriend that she knows doesn’t exist??? The really frustrating thing is even if u are straight, she prolly might complain you spent your birthday with a girl and not with family. Mothers…aaaarghhhh!!!

  7. “We make the mistake of showing others love the way we want to be shown love, but it doesn’t mean the other person actually appreciates being shown love like that. Take me for example; showing signs of jealousy is one way to let me know you love me, but others would take it as the person being unnecessarily paranoid. Some consider you just being in their room with them enough to show that you love them (most times), but the other person may need you to talk and show interest in having a conversation.”

    Nice post. People love they way they want to be loved
    My kinda love:
    *Check up once or twice a day(no constant pinging or buzzing)
    *Just hanging out in the room and seeing a movie, or playing game
    *Cuddling @ night(when its needed)
    *Performing tiny lil gestures that show you care
    *Going shopping together, while checking out people and making fun of them etc

  8. Awww… it’s always a pleasure to read your pieces hun …. as for your Mum. She reminds me so much of my own dear sweet Mum! We’ve never talked about it, but am pretty sure by now she knows that her beloved son isnt into women. It breaks her heart and it breaks mine to see the pain and sadness in her eyes, but through it all she has never allowed her love for me to be shaken. Even when my private demons cause me to withdraw and pull away, she is always there to reassure me and let me know that she’ll never leave my side. The times i have regretted my sexuality have always been because i fear i may never be able to make her (my Mum) as happy as she richly deserves to be. That is the power and magnitude of a mother’s love my dear. No matter what happens,.no matter what life throws at you, no matter what else you let go of, one thing you must never lose is the love you share with your mother. You must find a way to strike a balance between living your life fully and holding tight to this love. If you let go of this love, not only will you hurt your mother, you might also do colossal and Ireversible damage to yourself.
    Your Mum is struggling to come to terms with the fact that her beloved son might ***gasp, shudder, puke*** be gay, she still strongly believes that with enough pressure and cajoling from older relatives and authority figures in your life they can scare you straight and set you firmly down the straight and normal path. My dear James, this is a private battle you must decide if/when/how to fight – you must develop your own strategies and/or responses to this battle as no one can fight ut for you – good luck to us all!!
    Some gay guys marry a woman because they must comform to society’s demands, some do it out of a personal conviction while some can simply not find any justifiable reason to enter into it, whatever your path in life is, learn to be sensitive to other people’s private journeys, be considerate abd respectful and refrain from pontificating or looking down with disdain from your high horse – you know yourselves so i wont name names…
    ****plants a big wet kiss and ruffles your hair***

      • @dennis ****draws you close and prolongs the kiss, reaches behind to squeeze those your cakes that were the topic of discussion a while ago, reaches down the front to feel the famous yam tuber we once heard about****

      • Dennis na only you waka kiss Khaleesi in the first place. Pinky has got nothing to do with it

    • This is truth in all ramifications. The truth has been spoken to you @ James. What you do with it is your choice but note that your Mum,s value is priceless. From the comments of some people it’s obvious they have battered their Mum,s emotions and they want you to do so.Be wise. NB: I’m not suggesting you get a gf if it’s not your thing

      • So what exactly are you suggesting? Because his mother clearly wants him to have a girlfriend and James is not bi as far as I’m aware *bemused*

  9. Khalee,may God bless you for this truth.it has over shadowed all the deceptions in what those who have obviously battered their mum,s emotions are saying here

      • Read that comment and the one before it and tell me what you understand from them.i hope you are different from the picture this last response of yours paints in my head.i just hope

      • @ James if you cant say a word of appreciation im sure you know how to apologise when you find out that you have accused someone wrongly

    • @Gad, You’re the biggest and oldest bitch here..
      You’re the definition of a bitch’s bitch.
      Always know how to twist people’s word and make it your personal agenda to try n put them down.
      Maybe you didn’t get the message(you never do), you’re one of those people on a high horse that he’s talking about.

      • I’ve just been observing his comments and not saying anything cause I’m not sure who it’s directed to and cause he’s older than me and I’m hoping he acts his age.

      • @Brian, Gad is KD’s biggest bitch.. And an old one at that, grey pubes n all. He has since dethroned Chizzie.

      • You’ve seen his pubes?.This is getting more interesting.And I thought it was only pinkpanther who has a thing for Gad.
        Curiouser and curiouser.

      • Don’t gerrit twisted, I don’t do grannies. I only caught a glimpse of it when he was adjusting his wrapper from the high horse he was riding.

      • Pinkpanther,what then do you call that dance you both have been having on this blog since last year?.
        @Max,I’m not twisting anything.You came across cocksure his pubes are grey.That don’t suggest a knowledge gotten from a mere “glimpse”.
        Btw,what were your eyes doing down there that particular moment he “adjusted” his wrapper?.Questions,questions n more question.
        Lemme keep watching you guys in HD
        #Nnodumene mode activated.

  10. @ Deadly, James has not told this house that he has appointed you as his mouth-piece neither has he expressed his lack of capacity @ understanding what i said or how to go about sorting things out with his mum

    • I asked on my own volition and to you directly….if u don’t want to answer, don’t be rude about it. Because u didn’t post ur advice in James personal inbox

    • I’m glad. I’m really glad at how fallen you’ve become. Rude. Acerbic. Caustic. All the characteristics of the ‘sinful’ KDians you always derided before. I’m glad you’ve shown yourself capable of being just as nasty. Now when you try to sing that ‘people on KD are too ugly’, I’ll take solace in the fact that you’re just being a hypocrite. Please do go on. I’ve been enjoying the show you’ve been putting up all day. 🙂

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