This is a long ass post. You have Pinky to blame for that one, since he asked for my spot last Sunday. Happy reading.
I’ve started work in Lagos. As I write this, I am there looking at all the weird machines that will hopefully become familiar with time.
Working – no, learning here is dull. My supervisor does a lot of paper work where she has to record her findings and stamp stuff. Whenever I notice she’s doing a test however, I go to meet her and start asking questions. She’s never called me to see anything so far. She’s a nice lady, she seems easy to get along with.
There’s another IT student who schools in the polytechnic of my city, and she’s pretty friendly. We got talking and she asked what church I attend, and I told her I go to church frequently when I’m at home but hardly when I’m in school. She then went on to call me a “big boy” which I took as sarcasm. Whatever… I genuinely enjoy going to the church in my hometown. I feel some semblance of safety there, and what they teach, I understand. I may not agree with them all the time but I understand.
Last Sunday had the pastor talking about being loving and loveable and he made a lot of valid points. It’s in the bible somewhere that before you can love, you need to be knowledgeable and show discernment. He equated it to our relationships with one another.
We make the mistake of showing others love the way we want to be shown love, but it doesn’t mean the other person actually appreciates being shown love like that. Take me for example; showing signs of jealousy is one way to let me know you love me, but others would take it as the person being unnecessarily paranoid. Some consider you just being in their room with them enough to show that you love them (most times), but the other person may need you to talk and show interest in having a conversation. Stuff like that…
So I guess what I’m saying is that you need to know how the other person wants to be loved and you show it that way according to your judgment (the judgment part is where he starts mentioning having sex and all). Anywho, I can say I took away something valuable that Sunday unlike most of the other times I’ve been in church at school.
I was home briefly for the weekend to pick up some stuff like my guitar and log book. My mum was not happy. She couldn’t look at me. She appeared thinner. I pretended like I didn’t notice and went to the room to talk to a cousin of mine who knows of my same sex attraction. She told me my mum complained bitterly about my spending my birthday in Lagos and with a boy. She said she mentioned my spirituality, that I have started asking questions. I think she thinks I’m rebelling or something because I am wondering why there tends to be some discrepancies in the bible.
The word said: “Thou shalt not kill.”
It didn’t say: “Thou shalt not kill unless thou art performing self defense.”
Just “Thou shalt not kill.”
And I asked my mum, if the Israelites weren’t to kill, then why did they go to war? They’d end up killing in the wars, right?
She tried her best to answer. I was satisfied with the answer somewhat. But I was also reminded that sometimes what you need is faith in these matters. Some things can’t be understood, but you just need to have faith that they are true.
Back to my mum…she thinks me asking questions is a bad sign. I wonder if she wants me to blindly believe everything I’m told. I was brought up to question things and not accept them for the way they are, but as soon as questioning things touches religion, it appears to be a taboo.
Anywho, me and my cousin talked for a while and I was getting bitter again. I decided to talk reasonably to my mum. But as I went into the kitchen to meet her, all my well reasoned arguments fled and all I could do was ask her to please look at me, and then went on to assure her that I had females in my life. Something about it all is just so heartbreaking. I don’t think anyone can understand. She looked so small and disappointed; she couldn’t look at me. It was enough to tear my heart into pieces.
But I’m not as scared as I was three years ago. I think it’s time I start facing the painful truth that at some point, I will have to disengage from her and live my life to the fullest and be who I want to be. I love her to death, but I also want to be happy. But if love is about making the other person happy, who should compromise here, me or her?
Today was bliss. Pure bliss. A fond memory I’ll keep locked away and bring out in my darkest hours. I will not say why. I just want it to be recorded. I wonder if it’s coincidence the date (February 21) is the inverse of my birthday. Hmmm.
My dad also called me today. It felt weird. He was just checking up on me, and me, I was worried I was in trouble or something. Lol.
I’ve been letting my hair grow out again. I felt weird all those times it was short. There’s no fancy hair cut though, just a nice kinda fluffy fro. Relaxer does absolutely nothing to my tight curls, and believe me, I have tried. My hair just refuses to straighten out. It however does get easier to comb and I don’t think I want my hair to be straight anyways.
So, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I look or anything. I keep my hair combed. I dress corporately to work as best as I can (no ties though, I hate ties), and I’m clean and tidy. However this nurse has made it her aim to tell me to cut my hair all the time. She’s called me ugly and said I would look more handsome if I cut my hair. And I want to scream, “Bitch! Shut the fuck up! My boss isn’t complaining, so what makes you think I need your opinion!” Last time she did it, my face hardened and I continued with the episode of Glee I was watching but had paused to listen to her, because I felt she had something sensible to say. She grumbled about me not listening to her, but I didn’t bother. I pray she gets the message because the desire to say something is getting stronger. I don’t want to be rude to anyone.
Speaking of Glee episodes, this one was about a wedding. My thoughts are kind of changing about gay marriages. It would be nice to have a gathering where I declare my love for a person. I don’t need it to be in a church or anything. Now get this, it IS MY own opinion. If you have any contrary, good for you. It’s a free world. Don’t tell me it’s right or wrong or whatever, because the world thinks being gay is wrong, but almost all of y’all here are as gay as can be, so let’s keep the hypocrisy in the drawers please.
My friends and I talked about married gay men. It was agreed that the society does pressure most gay guys to marry girls and not everyone can withstand it. Heck, I know some gay guys who even want to marry because they want that fairytale of a wife to come home to and little kids that they helped make. I see nothing wrong with that. I’m even very willing to keep quiet if a married gay man sleeps with men (as long as he is reasonable enough to use protection and still keep his wife happy and is not doing anything to jeopardize the family).
However what ticks most of us off are those that ride high horses. Those who, because they are married, expect us to join the club and tell us we are immature for knowing that entering a marriage with a woman would not make either of us happy. Those who in one breath will say they want to fuck a guy, but in another breath say “they are not that gay”. Those ones have issues.
When you’re with the person you’re hoping for a relationship with, you tend to be on your best behaviour. You show them what you know they’d like to see. You take your flaws and issues and put them in a dark corner. Sometimes you get lucky and you’re finally going out with the person, you hope it all stays hidden. But you can’t hide who you are forever, it comes out subtly at first, then full blown till your partner sees you as a stranger and you wonder what went wrong.
Don’t fall into that trap. Be with people who know who you are, flaws and all. And yet they still love you. Those that can’t handle it, you should be grateful you spared yourself some massive heartache.
I know relationships aren’t as simple as that, but it’s the simple things that make up complex mechanisms.
An aunt beeped me on whatsapp. She’s in America. She enquired about school; I told her I was doing my IT. Then, she not-so-subtly asked me about my girlfriend. That’s when I rolled my eyes. Lol. I think my mum sent her. I was torn, almost wanting to reassure her that all was well in that department, but then I changed my mind and was more subtle. I told her I was different from most guys, that I’ve been unlucky with girls (true here), and that having a girlfriend is soooo not on my priority list.
I can’t wait for when they will start asking when I will marry. Lol.
Is it weird that after I’m done painting abstract things, I feel like I’m coming out of a trance? Maybe it’s the demonic possession thing a literature teacher told me I had when I was studying for A-level.
Wow. Look! You made it till the end. Have yourself a cookie.
Written by James