Let’s Discuss…About Open Relationships

Gay LoveIt’s a question of which is better: an exclusive relationship or an open one. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? The answer is pretty obvious. I mean, who wants to share his man with another?

I was having a dialogue with a good friend of mine on the issue of gay relationships, and he expressed an opinion on this, which I’d like to share with y’all. Read below:

‘Seriously, think about it. Exclusive relationships, especially in the gaybourhood, even more especially in Nigeria, on the average, have a shelf life of two months. If you have on the very rare occasion dated someone EXCLUSIVELY for a year, you become a miracle.

‘Open relationships on the other hand, at least the few ones I know of, strangely last longer than the exclusive ones. Think about it. I mean, it should not be! Yet, it is!

‘Many issues that beset exclusive relationships are entirely foreign to open relationships – for instance, jealousy and constantly having to monitor the bae. “Who are you pinging that’s making you smile this much?” “Who was that one you were talking to for so long?” “Why are you using his pic as your dp?” All that headache, none of which is experienced in open relationships.

‘Since the reason why most relationships break is unfaithfulness, why can’t we be honest and tell ourselves the truth? OPEN RELATIONSHIP!

‘Many will say “God forbid!” but that won’t stop them from cheating. Hypocrisy, anyone? Many who can swear for exclusivity will go ahead and ‘open’ the relationship by cheating and hiding. Who are we fooling? Isn’t it better to be totally honest and do what you feel like doing without having to hide, cheat, clear web histories and clean up BBM? Isn’t all that exhausting?

‘Exclusive relationships are probably a kind of relationship that we are not ready for. Few can, but most seem to be wired for polygamy, i.e. open relationships.’

QED.

Well, I don’t know…I used to be very firm with my intolerance of open relationships. I was a diehard romantic, I believed in love, and I figured, if you have taken the time to declare your love for each other in a relationship, then why ‘open’ the relationship? If the excuse is to prevent cheating, why cheat when you’re committed to the one you love? I believed this, and I carried my ideals into my very first relationship. I was absolutely in love with him, and – well, not to my surprise – I had no time for creeping around. I was propositioned, but I just had no eyes for any other but my man.

But the thing is, because I had my eyes for him, entirely on him, those eyes began to seek out thirsty hoes, both existent and nonexistent, who had their sights on him. I became the bitch who would tear a new one into that hoe that just called my man, asking for a hook-up. (lol). We were both young, I wanted the fairytale, and we broke up about three months later.

I didn’t get serious with anyone again for years until recently, and in all that time, I grew up, pondering the issue of relationships, and the virtues of keeping them exclusive or leaving them open. The years tempered my disdain for open relationships with tolerance, and so, when I began dating again, I broached the issue of keeping it open. Not for myself, oh no. I have a thing for falling for you and staying so. I brought it up for him, and for my peace of mind. I was like, ‘You know what? If you’re going to creep, creep. I don’t need to know about it. But you don’t have to make a cloak-and-dagger mess out of it.’ It burned me to concede that, oh how it burned. Lol. But I’m older and wiser and I have been around in the gaybourhood.

But hey, I want to know what y’all think. So, let’s discuss about open relationships – heck, about gay relationships in general.

98 thoughts on “Let’s Discuss…About Open Relationships

  1. I can’t really suggest for open relationship coz I don’t know who he’s sleeping with or getting in contact with that is sex specifically and at that moment you won’t know whether he’s using protection for the third party, getting infection, I myself I’m a medical personnel so definately I’m putting myself at risk. I know dat good relationship is not dat easy to find. Buh I prefer taking a chill pill till I see d right person.

  2. For I prefer dating exclusively… Its not easy though… Staying faithful being honest and all that… I see open relationship as no relationship…. Relationships are supposed to actually be between two psn… Wen its more than that its already sometin else… Dats why its best to go for someone u can actually trust n stay wit…. But its quite unfortunate dat d word trust is a huge problem for gay relationships this days…

  3. Am not a fan and would never be a fan of open relationships! I might be in a relationship and agree to it but I would be the one wetting my pillows @ night with my tears while he is out enjoying himself! I just can’t bring myself to do it. Y compromise to b happy?
    Lemme not even start on the health risks you put yourself into.
    Mbanu!
    I rather remain single, sad and lonely than to be in a relationship nd b semi-sad/semi-lonely.

    Exclusive or single for me!

      • And you think I would be happy knowing that he creeps “a lil”? What if he is also in an open relationships with d various dudes he is “creeping” with? Oh Pinky! The complications is just mind boggling!

  4. I have always been the straight forward, truth telling dude… if we are even just friends and I know u are into me or vice versa, I will always let u know if I screw someone else.

    I have never been in a relationship but IMO the open one just seems easier, less demanding and u get to keep your sanity.

    … but kini omode mi mo???

    • You’re a lazy lover.. Go and find some project to embark on.. Or maybe buy a male doll with flesh light. At least they’re not hard to maintain…

      Real relationships take work.

  5. I believe there are no hard and fast rules about dating; each couple should lay their cards on the table and decide what will work for them.

    However i am very traditional and did not believe in open relationships, but sometimes you are in love and keeping your own end of the fidelity bargain while your partner is cheating for europe. Just like PP said, I am beginning to look at open relationships with new eyes but I just fear that I am often too jealous and possesive to be in one.

    I think at the end of the day the idea of sharing a guy with someone is preposterous; its better I dont know because once I find out you did something out of the window you go!

  6. Open relelationship by definition is one in which “both” partners agree to have sexual relationships with other people which doesn’t include emotional connection. Both partners must be in agreement for it to be an open relationship.
    Most relationships in Nigeria (both gay and straight) are in unofficial open relationships.:ie only one partner enjoys the benefits of being in the open relationship.. Or both enjoys the privilege without the others knowledge. That’s why its unofficial
    They live under the cloak of exclusive relationship and that’s the highest hypocrisy ever. Men who cheat on their wives with other women, or men are in an unofficial open relationship and vice versa.

    Personally, I think the term “open relationship” is wrong and highly inappropriate for describing such a stupid life which has everything except what a relationship should be. Personally, I don’t think its a relationship at all. To me its more like friends with benefit. Its risky(health wise) and emotionally degrading. I don’t see why anybody would wanna be in such a facade. I understand no one wants to be heart broken when they discover their bae has been hopping on D’s like an Australian kangaroo, but that’s not enough reason to succumb to something as bland as an open relationship.
    I’d rather stay single than share my bed with more than one. I like relationships, but I love me more. These days I’ve found out being single might just be the best thing you could do for yourself. And that’s coming from an unbiased point of view.
    Ask yourself this- “In the end, is it all worth it”?

  7. I have a friend in the UK who’s in an open relationship with another Nigerian in the UK. they’ve been together for 2 years.
    What they do isn’t creeping, because they are both aware of who ever the other partner is sleeping with. In fact, sometimes they have threesomes and more-somes involving each other and their side pieces.
    As for me, I’d prefer exclusivity, but relationships are stressful. I’d rather be in a friends with benefits type arrangement.

  8. In my opinion, most people irrespective of sexuality simply cannot bear to face the stark truth. They just can’t and I guess its okay and a human thing. However, concerning this issue of relationships, we shd just face some facts. Jealousy and paranoia have RUINED a lot of relationships. And I mean A LOT. Cheating has also done same. Put together, these are the most common causes of break up (my opinion). And strangely, we (humanity) have somehow had it engraved in our collective consciousness that when you love someone, you can’t share them with someone else. In fact, most people treat their partners like some sort of object, a teddy bear if u like, that they can impose all manner of rules upon just to ensure that he stays mine. And the rules give rise to questions: where are you? Where did you go to? Who is he? Why are you talking with her for that long? Even though the intention was not to harm, the effect becomes very harmful when as a result YOU CAN NO LONGER BE YOUR TRUE SELF just because you are in a relationships. No one will be happy in a cage. And this is how relationships get stifling and soon, you want out. Back to square one. But just imagine how it would be if you were able to love someone so much, enough to set them free to be themselves (whatever that self may be) and still love them…isn’t that a higher kind of love? By the way, I am an exclusive relationship person and have never had an open relationship.

    • Why are you always liking his photos on instagram? Lol

      I agree with you sensei, do not stifle them. Allow them to be free, but if that freedom drags another guy along with it, then am out

    • Someone I’ve been talking to recently who I haven’t even decided on anything with asked me the instagram question…… that sealed it for me. #AvoidObsessedPeople

      • Relationships be it exclusive or open in the gaybourhood is just a dream especially in this part of the world. Westerners do try to do it but we Africans? Girl pls ! All we do here is have a good shag and when it kinda sticks to our head we start telling ourselves we are in a relationship and in love. when the sweet feelings of the good shagging starts to clear off, we venture into the Market again. A real relationship doesn’t even need to be jealous of whom your partner is doing what with because it’s not about sex. We build ours on sex and that’s why I can never see it as relationship. let’s call a spade a spade. what we have here is Sex partner/s and NOT Relationship. BTW, people I maintain the best relationships with are those I rarely have sexual contact and this includes Straight guys.

  9. Well… I hav been in an EXCLUSIVE relationship for 4yrs and I have never had any issues *besides wanting to rip dem thirsty hoes to shreds for constantly buggin bae but then I act all sweet and innocent when I meet them. Tho sometimes D̶̲̥̅ niceness flies out D̶̲̥̅ window n М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ inner bitch flies right in*
    Case In Point???
    Bae n I hav had a long standing clause that forbids any of us from doin anything that remotely suggests infidelity *a simple kiss could spell D̶̲̥̅ end of our relationship*
    After all М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ ranting it would suffice to say that setting ground rules before starting a relationship is relevant to its longevity ß̍̍̊ε̲̣̣̣̥ it an Open, Closed or Tic Tac Toe Relationship.
    Nuff Said *whew*
    *dabs sweat with blush silk Ferragamo hankie n flashes a sweet smile*

      • Sure thing DM buh all D̶̲̥̅ same, if ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ know wat ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ want, ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ gotta stick by it and ß̍̍̊ε̲̣̣̣̥ sure ƔU̶̲̥̅̊ want to go all D̶̲̥̅ way to make it happen and work.

    • Wow Ruby! 4 whole years of exclusivity? I envy u! Ur comment shows that YOU never cheated…it’s possible that HE never cheated as well…but um…did u have access to his phones?facebook accounts? Twitter? Instgram? BBM? If u had access to all these and u’re still sure he never cheated,then I’d be super impressed!

      • Actually chestie, we have unhindered access to each others social media accounts(passwords n all) and gadgets. We sometimes take each others calls and we sound alike on the fone especially when we want to make a lil fun of *them applicants/ hoes*

  10. For me its simple logic.
    Most people claim to be in open relationships.
    Most people cheat.
    Most people lie to cover up when they are cheating.
    Most relationships are destroyed by paranoia and jealousy.
    Most people claim they want an exclusive relationship, but since most of them still cheat…

    What does all this tell us about human nature?

    1. We are confused. We don’t really know what we want.
    2. We are dishonest.
    3. We are not disciplined. We don’t know how to keep our word.
    4. We like to EXPERIENCE different things and that’s why the majority cheat.
    5. We are sentimental. We uphold feeling over fact.
    6. We are borderline psychotic, because we prefer to live in an imaginary world where everyone is exclusive, a fond delusion we pretend to embrace, while we nibble the “substitute” in secret and hope all is well.
    7. We are not mature in our ability to love because the highest kind of love (which is compatible with any kind of relationship) is UNCONDITIONAL love (blows kisses to Katy Perry)

    Finally, if we all took a truth serum, we would wake up to find that all so called exclusive relationships are in fact OPEN relationships.

    Biko, so why don’t we just open this goddamned thing and spare ourselves the headache? If not for anything, we wud have gained one virtue. And that’s HONESTY!!!

    • @Sensei: I don’t think ppl who ask for an exclusive relationship,then end up cheating, are confused and don’t know what they want. Au contraire, I think they DO know exactly what they want: they want to lock the other person down,while THEY cheat, cos they could never stand the idea of their partner sleeping with someone else, even though they themselves have no intentions of staying faithful. It’s just selfishness and greed.

  11. I was once in an Open Relationship which left a Sour taste in М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ mouth cos D̶̲̥̅ Dude ended up sleeping wit М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ Friend n Cousin.
    I also know someone who’s in an open relationship but its killing him cos D̶̲̥̅ dude keeps messing wit peeps that Α̲̅я̩̥̊ƺ “№t up 2 par” with him.
    So I wouldn’t subscribe nor advice anyone to tow the line of Open Relationships.
    I rest М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ Case

  12. I shall throw the question to straight (i hate that word) folks “would they engage in open relationship ?” It cant even be define as polygamy. It is just plain sexual liason. Fuckbuddies. shikena.

  13. Open “relationships”: No…just No!
    What’s the difference between an open “relationship”, and GOOOD friends with benefits?
    Pls an open relationship is not a relationship at all; u just have a friend u’re very very fond of and u guys indulge in sex with each other from time to time.
    If I’m doing “friends with benefits”,let me know I’m doing friends with benefits,instead of putting a false label of “open relationship” on it biko! If open relationships are the only ones that work, then let me not go into any relationship at all,and just continue with “friends with benefits”.

  14. @Max and Kyxrr,I so fell in love with your comments,honestly I did.I share 100% in your thoughts.
    If you know how I don’t like hearing that phrase*friends with benefits ****
    I am too good to be friends with benefits,biko….that is why I tell my self,if I can’t be in a very respectable and responsible relationship,then forget it……its not by force…..at least with this,there are still some of us that haven’t stained our sheets yet because of what will believe strongly in…

    This reminds me of my university days,my friends will always tell me,why are you doing this to yourself,you don’t date,any guy who comes,you don’t give him a face…..i just know when I see a dude who isn’t serious sp I give you the exit card before you come close….

    And its kinda frustrating to see my friends sleeping or dating themselves for two weeks and come to tell me they have broken up…..how will my very good friends be dating themselves and you want me to follow you all?haba nah…
    To the extent that they can’t tell their secrets to each other,they prefer coming to me to tell their sex escapades….

    They can’t and will never introduce a new catch with each other but they feel free taken me to them,at least,I get to eat free lunch and the goodies that such meetings brings….

    When I see such,it gives me enough strong heart to love myself and not think about any open abi na close relationships….

    However,I had a best friend in my class who has been dating his guy for like 5 years running but like some of us earlier stated,the jealousy and frequent calls of where are you,who are you talking with,don’t go there,don’t go here ish just freaks me out….because that his guy is one hell of a possessive guy..keeps monitoring my friend like monitoring spirits….even my friend used to complain about it,and I tell him,abeg leave the guy na,it’s. A relationship not a maximum security prison…..the only person his guy allows to be with,go out with is me;anyother guy will be liable for snatching….

    So you see,why won’t I remain myself,loving and appreciating the wonder of my being…..

    And when I think of how my friends then in school are just living with HIV now,it breaks my heart…..all the guys are no more….they still got a very good friend left,Me!

  15. I have not had a “friend with benefits” before, neither have I been in an open relationship. But I have heard enough gist (plus I’m quite imaginative) to know some differences.
    If its a FWB (friend with benefits), you can stay a whole month without calling or texting each other and it would be fine. But in an open relationship, the contact is daily and even emotional, just like an exclusive relationship.
    In an open relationship, the partner is seen to be special, and stands out far and above all others. Both have a strong and unique bond. And like I said before, since unconditional love is compatible with open relationships, there can still be love.
    In summary, everything is same as it is in an exclusive relationship. Except the sex part.
    And is it possible to love one person and have sex with another? Obviously? Isn’t that like the norm these days?
    And about mislabelling, which would you rather have? An open relationships that deceitfully and hypocritically labelled exclusive? An open relationship which is accurately and honestly labelled? Or “friends with benefits” is the only thing that is practical for us at this time abi? And in that case, you essentially are agreeing with me because in practice, open relationships and FWB are more alike than dissimilar. And I would say finally, that the moment you realize that you have a very special bond with one of your FWBs, and you call and text daily and feel all emotional but don’t mind him having sex with others, you are ready for an open relationship. And perhaps you are already in one but you are labelling it FWBs. Maybe its really just a label, just one form of FWBs. What are labels anyway? And of one thing I’m certain: labels aren’t more important than the fact!

  16. Open relationships.. It beats me how you can be with the one you love and know he could probably be be fucking right there and then without you. I however know a couple of people who have it open but are happy and still in love though it was distance that opened it sha.

    I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I don’t want to share and sometimes I feel caged and sometimes I don’t want to share but feel guilty after I’ve flirted with some dude on my bbm.

    Maybe the reason most closed relationships don’t work is cause of that caged feelings. There’s the temporary high of infatuation till reality sets in and you realise you’re not ready to settle.

    Maybe it’s better to take things slow. You like each other but don’t rush into a relationship based on that fact (living example here). Just keep things simple and be friends and see if the feelings are still there after a period of “courtship” then decide where to go from there.

    Still there are no hard and fast rules about how a relationship should run. It boils down to what makes both of them happy.

  17. I was in a relationship for Two years and nine months…
    I struggled not to cheat. Emphasis on “struggled”. At the end, I didn’t.
    He did. And He ended it (amongst other things) because he couldn’t bear to look at me dead on after he fessed up.

    I didn’t understand why He ended it then.
    I do now.
    You’re either at the table or on the menu.

  18. Funny, the one time I was in the open relationship was the time both of us were very damn well near exclusively in the relationship. Bloody ironic. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want to tear his eyes out anytime he ogled ppl and want to claw at others who as much as breathed when he was around, gay AND straight.

  19. what are we even saying? exclusive relationship. to me I don’t think such things exists. some years back, I felt it works but now I came to realize it doesn’t. Am head over heels with this man who by all indication does same. we’ve been together for 4yrs. But the issue I keep battling with is creeping*. He asked me sometime when we hooked up if I’d be comfortable with him seeing other guys. But made up my mind to keep my vows to him and since then we’ve not had any issue #whatahappymarriage#
    Back to square one, you think you are in an exclusive relationship but some question I have for you is; are you always with him to avoid creeping? Do you monitor his chats on different SNs?
    But don’t get it twisted. if you feel it works, kudos

  20. If its not exclusive one then its nothing.Until a better understanding of relationship is spelt out, I think some won’t appreciate it.Respect your man and he will respect you.No one forced both to be together in the relationship,so why creep around.Creeping around brings nothing but loss of integrity,dignity and selfworth.Let’s respect our relationship and it will be the beginning of a better community.

  21. Being in a relationship(the other one is not a relationship,but an association.My opinion) takes a lot of work,lot of effort,something many folks aren’t willing to put in.
    Then,there’s that troika of paranoia,jealousy and infidelity.The key to ameliorating this,I find,is trust and laying some sort of mutually agreed upon ground rules n then letting one free to be who they are without any shackling or caging.One should also bear in mind that we’re all humans and none is perfect.That there might come a time when there would be some breach of the rules,but if that was unintentional n with no malice aforethought,one should move on from that.Count it as some sort of bump on the road.
    I’m in a relationship going into it’s third year n we’re still as strong today as we were when it started.Some occasions,I’d come close to running afoul of our rules but always managed to pull back,same as he.
    One other thing working for us is we’re quite open to each other,talk to each other.I get to know about those who are hitting on him,who ask him out n vice versa.Helps to keep that demon of distrust/jealousy at bay.Oh,that gremlin do rear its head on occasions n I’ve on two,three occasions have had to do some sort of sleuth work myself but ended up not finding anything worth worrying about.Wasn’t proud of myself those moments,but there you have it.
    Long story short,trust,communication,an open mind,some sort of rule to guide,determination n some efforts to make it work are quite essential for a healthy relationship.Question now is,are folks,especially nigerian gays,willing to go this length for a relationship or is it better to follow the part of least resistance now known as “open relationship”?

  22. One of my best relationships ever was with Emeka. We met at someone’s house where I came for another hook up and we hooked up for the next five years after that. The sweetest and gentlest guy I ever saw. He basically moved in with me. Wore my clothes, drove my car, took my mum to the market, cooked for us…just took over the house. And we did everything together. Parties, clubs, church…we even fucked together. If he found any new market he would bring him home and watch me fuck. He even brought home his friends and classmates for me to fuck. And if he found a str8 guy he wanted to disvirgin he brought him to me. He was always amazed how easy it was to fuck a virgin str8 boy for the 1st time. Another time he found one str8 dude whose dick was the size of a tree. That one got drunk and fell asleep in my bed while we ravished him. I also watched Emeka fuck, even do orgies in my house. There was once he was alone with one boy all night and I felt jealous and angry for a few days but it soon passed.

    And sex between us kept getting better over the years. I had a feeling with him that I couldn’t have with anyone else. If I would describe the orgasms with Emeka, it was like Sugar was being poured into my dick till it reached my brain. At one point we would just stare into each other’s eyes and the whole world just stopped spinning.

    We were fuckin close, Bonnie & Clyde like. And when people couldn’t find me they would ask him. My uncle and his kids would ask where is your friend. My neighbors would ask him where is your brother.

    He’s in Canada now. And those 5 years were the best relationship ever.

  23. An open relationship is no relationship at all. It is just a Friends-With-Benefits arrangement. simple and short.

    Now, you say open relationships last longer than exclusive relationships. Of course, they would. Why won’t they?
    After all, you guys are just friends with benefits. So since you’re getting sex from somewhere else, there won’t be any need to break up. Even if you guys break up and enter into other open relationships, you guys can still be having sex with each other.

    The same thing that make people cheat is the same thing that make people desire to have open relationships, namely, inability to be content with one dick or ass. The only thing that open relationship does is to, sort of, “decriminalize” cheating.

    When you are truly in love with someone and respect that person, it won’t be difficult to be faithful to that person, yes, even after the expiration of the honeymoon period. Being faithful has more to do with respecting your partner. There is nothing wrong with “hallowing” that part of you that enters into your partner to give him pleasure or that part of you that receives your partner and unites you with him.

    About the issue of trust, having an open relationship just because you can’t trust is just plain stupidity.
    You can’t trust your partner to be faithful to you so you decide it’s better you guys open things up. it really sounds foolish.
    You can’t trust your partner to be faithful to you but you can trust him to use protection while fucking someone else?
    You can’t trust your partner to be faithful to you but you can trust him not to contract any STI anywhere else and pass it on to you?

    Anal sex is risky enough as it is. Open relationships in the gaybourhood are just ways of increasing the risk of disease transmission.

    It is true that monogamy is difficult for males, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible.

    And always bear this in mind: if you are having sex with a person who is having sex with 20 other people, you are also having sex with those 20 others.

    Be faithful to your partner. Find someone who loves and who you love too. You will find it easy to cheat when you enter into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Find someone who is trustworthy and worthy of your love and respect.

    Learn how to manage relationships. Many of us are masters in starting relationships but we know nothing about relationship maintenance and management.

    Any relationship that is between more than two people is a party, not a relationship.

    • I concur with most of what you said especially the part that says that relationships fail because people entered with the wrong reasons. No matter how we shy away from it, the truth is that many see their sexuality as a meal ticket. Many cling to a guy because of the financial benefits they get. Those guys won’t want to share their ATM machine with another so they start waving the flag of exclusive relationship while secretly keeping other multiple ATM machines. These other cash cows are also forced to be faithful.i must state here that there are exceptions too. Some men cheat because their guy is not always around. Lastly,for me I don’t believe in one man one guy at all. That’s not saying I respect flirts. 3 steady,cool headed and responsible guys are ok. I wont run away from the missiles that will follow.

    • Plain moralizing. Question is , why are most relationships open by default? Why is abstinence elusive? Why do people lie to each other? More questions than answers. Half of those who think they are in closed relationships would be shocked with the truth and end up breaking up. If we broke up all open relationships 70% of us would become single right now.

  24. The biggest misconception people have about open relationships is that it is about sex. Whereas the opposite is the case: the ideal open relationship is focused on the most important thing in a relationship and that is love. A couple in an open relationship just do not define their commitment within the boundaries of sex.

    Sex in a relationship is only as important as two people make it. Sex, on its own, is not proof of anything. Sex can be gotten outside at a price, or no price at all. Couples in open relationships understand this, which is why they can focus on the vital aspects of their relationship.

    An open relationship is not an orgy. It is not an arrangement to cater to the needs of two libidinous beasts. It is not even a necessity born out of long distance. An OR requires just as much work as exclusive relationships – if not even more.

  25. Relationships end after 2 months because the two people “dating” are not prepared to date. Just because someone turns you on doesn’t mean you can fall in love. Have you considered personality, careers, values etc?

    In short, most of these relationships fail because gay men are only looking for sexual gratification. If you were never horny would you still be gay? If you didn’t want to fuck a man would you want to be in a relationship with him? It’s always sex in Nigeria – and that’s because it’s our sexual needs that bring us together.

  26. Everybody unto their own, don’t they say different stroke…….
    OP is just two loving fuckbuddies.
    Monogamy, exclusive is just one on one.
    Casual , one or two night stand is just what it is.
    The choice is ours.Take a pick.
    No complexities necessary. peace out.

  27. Very interesting discussion. I used to say relationships are exclusive for the first 2-3 years before a 3rd party is knowingly or unknowingly introduced to spice things up. But since the introduction of the internet I now say max 6 months. Experience has thought me that monogamous relationships are idealistic, and open relationships more realistic and can be fun if managed properly.

    Anyway, the thing is sex is a huge part of relationships. After awhile it gets boring with the same person and if we are honest with ourselves we would admit this. Our eyes start to wander. If we really love and respect our partner we need to have a frank discussion with them before our dick/ass follow.

    Being in any relationship requires maturity and a level of security within ourselves. With maturity comes security and we need security in spades to be in an open relationship at any level. Ground rules have to be set when transitioning into an open relationship from an exclusive one. These rules have to be reviewed periodically to see both parties are alright.

    My ideal situation would be rather than we both go off and play with others, we can have threesomes or moresomes (to borrow someone’s phrase on here). Again both parties have to agree on the type of person(s) being invited into the bedroom.

    Open relationships are not clear cut but bottom line is they take a lot of trust to maintain.

    Gosh, I could write a blog post about this…..I think i will.

  28. Open relationships are a NO! NO! For me!!! Either am in a relationship or am single, speaking from a deep personal place, if you truly love someone and are ready to commit, its not that hard to be faithful. Humans being what they are, at some point as time goes on there are bound to be spots of infidelity, but i can really overlook it if its not very frequent and if looking at other circumstances it was just sex with no emotions/strings attached.
    Due to the dynamics of our society, gay relationships hardly work here, but rather than entet into an open relationship which would drive me totally nuts, I’d much rather remain friends with benefits or fuck buddies – something am not too good at, but hey, its the next best thing!

  29. my dear Absalom, even though I get your drift, an open relationship is about sex.
    it is OPEN because the partners involved are not having exclusive sex. that is what defines an open relationship: a relationship where you can have third-party sex. Sex is the only quality of relationships that is used to define an open relationship. So you can’t say an open relationship isn’t about sex.

    secondly, sex might not be all that a relationship is all about. but sex is also an integral part of a relationship. it is very necessary and important. When sex is trivialised, the way most of us do in the gaybourhood, then anything can go. But that is wrong. Sex is more than the insertive or receptive action and the thrusts and moans that accompany all that. It is always more. That is why when you have sex with someone you have deep and special feelings for, it is always different. Sex and love are different quite alright. but when you divest love from sex, you turn humans into mere animals.

  30. @Samurai: “The same thing that makes people cheat is the same thing that makes them desire open relationships.” That’s correct because people crave variety in experience and therefore want more than one partner. Most people are cheating therefore it lends credence to this. But most people DON’T want open relationships. That’s wrong. Even the ones who cheat still want to be exclusive. Dont tell me you havent noticed!!! Strange isn’t it?
    “The only thing open relationships do is to decriminalize cheating”. Thus is also incorrect. Cheating is only “criminal” because we have developed a culture of exclusivity. Remember, that in traditional Africa, not only was having multiple sexual partners culturally accepted, it was institutionalized by marriage. Same this with homosexuality; in Nigeria it is criminal while in other countries it is not. So you see, there is no hard and fast rule about this. Just a matter of perspective.
    “When you love someone, it wont be difficult to be faithful to him.” That is what I always thought as a young man and was continually perplexed by people who cheat. But I gradually came to understand that people are different. It is almost as if some are wired to be wild and free while others are wired to be exclusive. I am still myself and I think people wired for exclusivity are in the minority. And lets be realistic, people commonly cheat on partners they love. It happens everyday. It is just a human weakness. You may say this proves that they were never in love. It remains your opinion cos they will cry and insist they love their parters and beg forgiveness. We are all entitled to our definitions of love and it is always very subjective. And for me, the only love I count as true love is UNCONDITIONAL and such a love can accept an open relationship.
    No one ever said people should have open relationships because one can’t trust one’s partner. The point rather is, if you have an open relationship, the question of trust (regarding sex) never arises. This is an advantage because paranoia can kill you before your time for nothing!!!
    And finally, I don’t agree with your point about open relationships increasing sexually transmitted diseases. On the contrary, “pseudo-exclusive” relationships, which is what the majority are having now would cause more STIs. How? If you are in a relationship where there is total honesty and you know your partner may be having other partners, you would be more careful and always use protection. But now in your pseudo-exclusive relationships, people get deceived and partners swear under oath their fidelity, engendering a false sense of security. It is in that setting when you have been tricked into accepting and believing that there is exclusivity in place when in fact it is NOT that one is more likely to be careless and neglect to use condoms. Go and find out. That’s how many got infected. If you were in an open relationship, you would never have sex with your parter without protection. That benefit is lost with “pseudo-exclusive relationships”.
    Finally, while I totally agree that exclusive relationships are ideal, I’m merely pushing this position because it is practical and because the majority of humanity is simply not mature enough to handle exclusive relationships.

    • and i want to add, when i say they are not “mature enough”, thats just me being judgemental. It would be more accurate to say, that the majority of humans are wired for polygamy and therefore monogamy is unsuitable, problematic and impractical. If you want to have an exclusive relationship. Fine, but make sure you dont cheat. As the same same, dont judge people who are in open relationships. Thats where they found their balance. Find yours!

      And I maintain that if we had attained true love which is unconditional, most people would feel free to tell their partners how they really feel (i.e. when they wanna “roam”) and we would consequently have mostly open relationships.

      “If you truly love a person, you will set them free”.

  31. Open relationship is all about the sex and the convenience. There aint no love involved, fondness or likeness ,yes. not judging on this, but this is my take. It is either you are in or you’re out.,period.

  32. Still speaking of love, I am aware of cases where a partner who didn’t necessarily love the other still didn’t cheat and remained faithful until the relationship was over. And like I said before, I am also aware of cases of people who said they were in love and cheated. As far as I am concerned, faithfulness in an exclusive relationship has got nothing to do with love.
    Its more about self control and discipline. some have more self control than others. Its also about choice. Some don’t just want an exclusive relationship. And they are entitled…

  33. I wouldn’t want to hurt myself now, would i? The idea of going into an open relationship would cause me considerable heartache. I sometimes feel like ignorance is bliss. The not knowing would be a lot bearable than knowingly allowing my man cheat.
    Liked some guys said you just have to know and define what works for you both.
    Anyone seen ‘About Last Night’? That movie describes this post. The crazy couple in the crazy open relationship and the other in what felt like a caged relationship. Despite all the twisted stuff, they worked it out.

    PS: Dennis i see you o.
    Hi, Oluwadamilare.

  34. ……if your bf has a gf or wifey, it is something that either the dude involved is choiceless in the matter or he is a bisexual dude with attraction to both sexes as we know,; but decided to remain exclusive to the woman in his life and the dude in his life.
    Secondly another common occurence is two married men involved with each other and yes exlusive and monogamous to the two dudes involved. Lots of that around and it even works out better that way.

  35. If a person wants to go into a “loveless” relationship, i will have to ask why. Wonit be an easy excuse to cheat on somebody that one is not in love with? especially in a gay relationship? I strongly believe love has a lot to do with relationship, it is the emotive to check on a partner with philandering tendecies.
    No amount of self discipline or self control would eventually deter a a person in a loveless relationship to wander off eventually. Well i could be wrong.

  36. Lol @Sensei…..i laughed at your married men dating ish…..well,its true,I agree with you but why would one go and date a married man,please are there no more guys in here that you want to share and be a second fiddle?
    I don’t even like that idea,no married man can walk up to me and tell me nonsense because I swear na slap I go give am
    ….i am too good to be shared with,my self esteem is very high to settle for less…..if na only married men dey this world,then its no different that I am single na.

    I am very traditional like Dennis,I personally feel that when his wife notices his being cheating on her,every night she knees down to pray,the curse will be upon your head……being gay in Nigeria is enough risk why do you want to add *curses* on your head too?

    Like a very good friend of mine in the university,who was dating and fucking his dad’s best friend and neighbor…..he will visit and the poor woman will cook the favorite meal,they sit on the dinning room and eat but later when she goes out na to use fuck kill themselves….when he told me,I told him what I feel about it and his need to stop that nonsense….,haba,guys dey plenty ooo…

    When he was reluctant,I gave him the next option,its either you stop or you ruin our friendship,now we are still good friends……that should tell he stopped that act long ago!

  37. Lets do some analysis. Bae and I don’t have as much sex as I’d want and he doesn’t mind. So I take some on the side tho we’re supposed to be exclusive. Can you blame me?

    • Did you tell him about wanting more sex and he didn’t oblige you?.If you didn’t and yet go by the side,then you have more than blame coming your way.What’s bad don’t have two names,it’s just bad.

  38. Well !!! I don’t think most queer dudes in Nigeria can really define a typical queer relationship !!
    Like if u tell a guy now that u want an “open” relationship !! He would say fine am good with it ! But then he doesn’t understand what u mean by that word “open” probably when he see’s something fishy he’d freak out !!
    For me gay ‘s in Nigeria find it soo fucking had to stick to one man or boi ! They’ve would love to pop soo many cherries #noshade but that’s the truth
    It’s runs in our vain the blood rush is just too much
    That’s why I don’t settle for anything relationship either open it closed cause at the end you still get hurt !!
    “For me it’s let’s bang ! And hang out, go crazy ,bang again , and get high and drink and bang again !! U would see it saves u the stress of thinking much or some crazy ass dude playing with your emotions !
    If u want an open relationship be ready for it !! I need to take my side chick to your place and we bang ! U could join if u want to
    If u want a closed relationship !! I don’t need you near cocks tasty ho’s!😜

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