UNDESERVING

heartbreak-1It feels good being with him. It always does. I smile to myself as I grab the two orders of ice cream off the counter of the Coldstone creamery outlet at the Palms mall, in Lekki. I turn around and smile at the young man in a denim shirt sitting on a bench a few feet away. His name is Rotimi and he is my boyfriend.

Rotimi and I have had a rocky past. We first met two years ago and started dating, and I fell madly in love with him. Unfortunately, we had to end it a few months down the line because he slept with someone else. The issue wasn’t the infidelity, really. I was just pissed that he cheated on me with an individual that was way, way, WAY below the average level of attractiveness. I mean, why would he leave all of this and go and sleep with a dog? I had every right to dump him.

However, my heart refused to forget him, and after a year and some months, we were back together, and I was happy once again. To be really honest, nobody else had been able to make me as happy as Rotimi made me, and nobody had been able to turn me on as much as he did. Oh yes, some people had come really close, I mean really, really close, but Rotimi takes the cake *insert drooling smiley here*

Anyway, we are both out on a date, spending well-deserved quality time with each other, and I am in cloud 9. I really love this guy, I know. Sometimes the extent to which I do scares me.

“Having fun?” I ask, handing over his coffee-and-pistachio-flavoured ice cream to him.

“Yeah, I am,” he replies, giving me a smile, but I notice that it doesn’t reach his eyes. Hmmm…

Soon after, we both leave, chartering a cab back to my place, and as soon as my front door closes behind us, he grabs me and envelopes my lips in a kiss that sends ripples of passion down my spine to my toes. In minutes, he has me screaming and biting the sheets and calling his name, culminating in a spine tingling orgasm. He does this twice.

Later that day, after giving him a good-bye kiss that lasts at least fifteen minutes, I pick up my phone and open up my BBM application; I am already missing my bae.

“Sweet baby boy,” I type. “It’s always amazing spending time with you.”

It takes a few minutes before he replies.

“I love you, baby,” he says.

I raise my eyebrows at the cryptic yet heartwarming reply. Something doesn’t feel right with Rotimi, and I’ve had the feeling for most of the day.

“Baby, is anything wrong?” I ask.

“Your perception is one of the things I love about you,” he replies. “You’re amazing, and I do not deserve you.”

Ghen-ghen, I think to myself. What is this and where is it going, bikonu?

“I am not a prize to be deserved. I am a human being, a man who is madly in love with you. There is no need to question anything about what we have.”

“You’re wrong,” he says. “You are a prize, a treasure. I love you.”

“And I love you,” I type back.

“But why??? Why do you love me? What is it that I am giving you that no one else can?” he types.

“You make me happy, and no one else has been able to do that. That’s enough reason for me,” I answer.

“It isn’t for me. You deserve better; someone that can really shower you with things, to really show you how much you mean to him.”

“This makes no sense,” I say, a cocktail of emotions swimming in my chest.

“It does, boo. How do you think I felt when we went out today and I couldn’t afford to buy anything for you? You were the one who footed all the bills!!!”

“I did because I wanted to and I can afford it. I don’t see a problem.”

“But I do. You are young and you have a career, your own income, and your own apartment. I on the other hand am a dead beat.”

I can actually feel the utter despondency in his texts, and it is breaking my heart.

“You are not a deadbeat,” I reply.

“No? How then would you describe a 25-year-old dropout with no prospects and a music career that refuses to take off?” he fires back.

I bite my lip as I stare at my phone screen. To be honest, I never approved of him dropping out of school to follow his dream of a music career, but that happened before we met and whenever I brought up the issue of him continuing his education, he would take serious offence. I really don’t know how to help him.

“I love you regardless,” I answer, sending a plethora of kisses and heart smileys his way.

“I don’t deserve your love,” he replies simply.

“But it’s my love. You don’t decide who I give it to. Just accept it.”

“What if I say I don’t want it? What if I want to set you free?”

Wait, WHAT?!

“Are you trying to break up with me, Rotimi?” I type rapidly back, my heart pounding away in my chest. No way. He can’t do this to me. There is no way the same person is going to crush my hearts into a million bits twice in one lifetime. It just isn’t fair.

“I’m setting you free to find someone worthy of you. I’m not worth it, babes.”

I immediately exit BBM and dial his number.

“Rotimi, you are valuable! You are a treasure! Don’t ever underrate yourself, do you hear me?!” I practically scream into the phone.

“I know what I am, Santa. Don’t try to lie to me,” he says, his voice completely empty and lifeless. And then the call is disconnected.

Indignant, I proceed back to BBM to try and talk sense into my self-deprecating boyfriend. What nonsense is he even talking about? He doesn’t deserve me? Bullshit.

Granted, he is far from being anything close to a Prince Charming, and I know that all too well. But what he doesn’t understand is that I don’t want a Prince Charming, that he’s enough for me just the way he is. There is no need for this boy to start feeling all down in the dumps because his life isn’t where he wants it to be. Whose life is anyway?

But I can’t find Rotimi on BBM anymore. I flip through my contact list frantically like a possessed somebody, but my lover is no longer a contact. Could he have deleted me? Impossible.

I try calling again, but my calls aren’t picked up once, twice, six times. Wow! Was this really the way Rotimi is choosing to end this?

I stared at my phone blankly for a few minutes, as my brain attempts to process what just happened. One word just keeps ringing in my heart: Why?

And then, a text comes into my phone. It is from Rotimi. My cracking heart gives a joyful leap as I open the text. But as I read it, my heart gives up completely, first shattering into a million pieces, and then instantly remoulding itself into a cold, hard rocky substance.

“My Baby, I know you must be upset, sad, heartbroken, you name it, but we can’t be together. You are too far above me and I feel that I am a shame to you, even if you will deny it. For my sanity, I need to be away from you until I begin to feel I am deserving of you, (when my dreams of stardom materialise). I love you.”

With icy rage roiling in my newly-hardened heart, I type back a reply:

“Goodbye, Rotimi. I wish you all the best, as I always do, but don’t think I’ll be here waiting for you whenever or if ever you overcome your self esteem issues. Best regards, your ex.”

My heart may now be a hard cold rock in my chest, but it still hurts. I won’t cry. I can’t cry. And there is no Blue Bunny ice cream at home. The best I can do is soak garri with lots of milk, Milo and sugar.

As I spoon the pimped-up garri concoction into my mouth some minutes later, I realise that Rotimi actually isn’t good enough for me, but not in the way he thinks.

Life and it’s many little ironies…

Written by Santa Diaba

64 thoughts on “UNDESERVING

  1. “What if I say I don’t want it? What if I want to set you free?”

    Oya, you have been set free, fly pretty bird, fly away from your cage.

  2. Bull shit, Rotimi is so full of shit, I can smell him from a mile away, what’s all that Undeserving bull…..Honey it was d clichéd “its not you,its me” style dumping. Thank goodness, your heart solidified oooo.

    • hahahaaaa. I tell u. the excuse was just too lame. its the age old excuse joor. he probably wanted to tap some other ass. love blinds u so u don’t see the tell tale signs until its in your face. sorry Santa. nice name though.
      u gat any gifts for me?
      *winks*

  3. Wow, just wow. The way some people choose to end this thing is really surprising.
    He has a deeply rooted self esteem issues. And inferiority complex. And also, he doesn’t love you the way you love him. Its hard to ignore someone’s calls when you’re in love with them. Even if they cut off your finger 5seconds before.
    So there we have it, another heart broken gay Nigerian who might never find it in his heart to love again because an asshole broke his heart. Someone who might just choose to be pessimistic towards love. Believe it or not, he ll start spreading the word about “no love” in the gaybourhood. And then the cycle continues.
    Pls don’t forsake love @ Santa. Believe it or not, it ain’t easy for straight people too. The only difference is they have a wider range of choice to make.

    Pls don’t forsake love @Santa.
    Rotimi is a human being and acted the way he thought was best. Doesn’t mean everyone is that way. Love is beautiful, when you find it, protect it. But don’t let it consume and compromise you.
    Have a nice day.

  4. What do you mean by he wasn’t good enough for you but not in the way he thinks? Ha.

    I can relate to Rotimi’s story; no one likes to feel that others are moving while they themselves remain stagnant. It’s good you realised your (then) boyfriend had self esteem issues and you thought it didn’t make sense that he would ask for a breakup because of that. But emotions are what they are, they are not embedded in logicality; sometimes we simply feel what we feel, for “no reason” and nothing anyone says or does will get us out of that mood until we are ready. It’s our right.

    Rotimi is a man worried about his dreams. He needed space. This was not about you or what you think. The least you could do is be there for him, show understanding and support and believe in him (you don’t have to be lovers to do this).

    Love is not always when we have a person’s tongue in our mouths; it’s also recognising when to give them space or simply hold their hand without judgement even when we don’t understand their journey.

    So, Santa, are you sure YOU deserved Rotimi? Think again.

    • I don’t agree with this comment…

      Rotimi’s tone and actions did not seem like som1 who was willing to accept help from Santa… and that inferiority complex has obviously consumed him.

      Santa was heartbroken. He tried to be there incase u did not notice and offered encouraging words. Haba absalom, what else will be poor boy do?

      Not once in the write up did Santa say he can’t let him go because of sex. He seemed to genuinely love the guy.

      Coming from me, who doesn’t love love… pls read through again!

    • Absalom, this is quite patronising, this comment. There’s nothing here that said Santa didn’t want to love and support Rotimi whether they were having sex or not. Rotimi didn’t want support. He wanted to cut off from Santa. Simple. Emitions are not ligical, yes. But Rotimi was not illogically asking for Santa’s understanding. He was breaking up with him, and in the most insincere way imaginable.

      • I understood the story and wasn’t trying to patronise anyone nor did I mean to imply the relationship was about the sex they were having. “Tongue in our mouths” was metaphor was closeness as opposed to space.

        Dami, I get your point. Santa tried to help, I saw that. But I think his conclusion about Rotimi not deserving him seeemed too narrow. I got the sense he was lashing out because his ego had been bruised – I hope I’m wrong.

        Santa, I’m not trying to take away from your experience or downplay your hurt or tell you what your story is. Personally, I find Rotimi’s behaviour perfectly normal and human. It’s possible that the help you offered wasn’t what he needed and YES, we could say he owed you – at least – a clue as to what you could do to help, but sha…like I said, human emotions are not as straightforward as maths… That Rotimi behaved “irrationally” does not mean he set out to be cruel – an impression I got from the story and some comments.

        My comment was simply asking if you have considered other possible explanations to what happened, because this “undeserving” thing…I’m not sure I see how that conclusion followed from the story above.

      • Hi Absalom,
        I totally understand your line of thought, and I also understand Why Rotimi did what he did.
        However, my whole “undeserving ” standpoint is that He should not have let his insecurity end our love, and the fact that he did proves he didn’t deserve that love.

      • I don’t think there was anything patronising anywhere. I see that Rotimi has pride, a commodity sadly lacking in many men, both gay and heterosexual these days. Let us assume Rotimi accepts help from Santa, he will resent him much later because he may feel he is being forced to be in a relationship because of assistance previously rendered. Let him find his way.

      • Ahhh thank u pinky. U shall live long.

        … who even says he ll find his way outside this/a relationship. it was a lame break up move. Shikena.

        If he’s truly not comfortable with Santa paying for everything and buying everything… he can as well contribute with the little things…

        … first maybe reduce the trips to “the palms”… they could stay home and enjoy each other’s company and talk abt “the future” (his future).

        He could also buy somtin for Santa once in a while. No matter how small… na the effort matter for relationship abi?

        I might be wrong o… bcos I have never been in one.

  5. *rolls eyes from Oguta lake to Atlantic ocean* I’m not deserving you? which of my long line of exes gave me that line again? Mscheew! that’s before he starts screwing someone else. Let’s just say you showed so much heart and guys always take advantage of too much heart, I would know it’s a wisdom that comes from so many relationships.

  6. The Great Divide! *sigh* I can write a thesis on this…. from the ones who, like Rotimi, leave because they feel they’re undeserving, to the other end of the spectrum where you have those that hold on to you because you’re their hope for a better life.

    It’s no joke, gay people really need to work harder at being on top of their game, a lot of us don’t push ourselves.

  7. i think everyone has insecurities and some even have self esteem issues. But in rotimi’s case this has nothing to do with the above. You dont break up with someone u “love” just like that.

    Love has nothing to do with material possessions. I think in this case rotimi’s ego is far far bigger than any imaginary so called “love”.

  8. Well if I look at it from another point of view I think Rotimi just wasn’t comfy in the relationship anymore and truly wasn’t giving his best even though he knew you loved him die.

    However doesn’t he also have the right to feel just as good as you do in this same union? If truly he wants the best for you AND CAN’T GIVE you that…then you got to see from his angle that the boi is not where he should be..i mean he’s the man and SHOULD act like the man and not wait for you to do all the giving…

    However that said..it’s still his fault for jetting out of school…wrong move brava wrong move. Sigh..facts of existence.

    • He’s the man?? Seriously?
      I’ve been praying to God about your case(and I hate praying). Don’t just let me start with you this morning. I’ve been censoring my comments on you for a while now, but its like you’re not taking the hint. If you have nothing good to say, pls shut your food hole. Anytime it opens, something foul comes out and covers KD with a dark cloud.
      King/Lord/#IDontevenWannaKnowYourName, stop it!! Just stop.
      You’re a grown ass man with kids. If you can’t respect yourself for us, then pls do it for them.

      • Am really in despair about this Niggah!! “he’s the man” … smh … I dont know if this twit wakes up everyday determined to sound like a weird jolt or if its just his natural state … either way, its pathetic!!! smh …

      • Ofcoz U hate praying coz it never gets answered….am sure you pray to that ‘deity’ you call ATHEISM…smh!

    • Lord,not only do your comment reek of insults,it is also sexist. This is 2015 & you still think females are inferior. I have tried defending right of females here & I was hounded left,right & centre with Max leading the charge

      • We never made any derogatory statement about females.. We were having fun joking. You just didn’t understand it. I’m a feminist. Take note

  9. Why didn’t he break up before the ice cream and the sex?

    Dear Santa, sorry but Rotimi is a dick and wanted to break up with you. He knew you’re a romantic and he used it to his advantage.

    So now, you get up, forget the loser (that he clearly is) and move on.

    There are many more guys that are 100 times the man (boy) Rotimi is

  10. Well the world is a twisted place, sometimes people are not deserving of the love you give them. Some people are pond scum, no scratch that they are the plankton that is fed upon by pond scum. You give them the whole world but it is just never enough, they will still find a way to hurt you.

    Santa you deserve more! Forget that guy biko! Nonsense!

  11. Lord, I think your pseudo here should be ‘Idiot’ because that’s all you sound like daily. I mean, is idiocy all you or is it just your KD persona?

    Get some sense or borrow some! But by all means, get some sense.

  12. I agree with Absalom and I do think he does love you. The complex issue will come up much later and destroy whatever relationship u wud av built by then. He just looked to such a future. A man cannot be a man if he is not pulling his weight financially. Everytime u pick out stuff for him, he will never be happy. Even u noticed that at the mall. An unhappy Rotimi will be an unhappy Santa. Outgrow him, but don’t forget him, Santa

  13. Rotimi is a fraud.. he just used u, am very sure uve been paying for more dan ice cream. . He has found someone richer.. I was once a victim of spending money for guys.. I met this very cute guy recently, he is unemployed and I am a student buh my parents are okay so I always have extra to spare.. so, after sex with dis guy d second time, he wanted a relationship nd I was ready to date him until he asked me for money.. that shit turns me off

    • I often have a different opinion about money mixing with relationships. If you two are involved, your finances will Most likely be interwoven!
      However try to ensure that its mutualism and not commensalism or parasitism

  14. This rotimi gaan is dramatic. Well the thing with relationships and I’ve learned, is there’s so much more that goes into it than the initial physical compatibility and attraction. Both partners have to be able to sustain a relationship by contributing thier own quota. its like a seed that constantly needs to be watered. In a relationship where one partner contributes more and by that I mean to a large margin then issues arise; especially with guys cause we have such egos. I bet you were the one that paid for the ice cream and the cab ride while rotimi just watched. And no man,no resonable man would feel comfortable with that…

    Frankly I think the rotimi’s of society should remain single till otherwise

  15. Dear Santa, this Rotimi you speak of sounds like my bf. Too much in fact I think it can’t be coincidental. he doesn’t happen to go by the nickname TK, no? #askingformysanity and peace of mind

  16. Gays and low self esteem. Did anyone else notice how Santa thinks it’s ok to cheat if you see a hottie? And he called another gay man a dog for not “meeting his level of attractiveness”?

    Like minds act the same way, no wonder you’re in love with fellows like this Rotimi. Self esteem and emotional maturity are big issues oh. See Santa talking about love because of orgasm. Nkan be.

  17. Lmaoooo drama..dis rotimi deserves an oscar abeg! Its eida he haz an extreme case of self esteem ish or he got sum1 richer dan U.d truth is no matter how rich n comfortable we r we humans always feel good if sum1 else spends on us n cater for sum little needs.Santa is so nice to know der r still guys like u out der who still want a real relationship n not just sex.for me seriously my heart haz bin broken a long tym ago dat rit now i cant even fake/pretend to b in luv.well i can stick to one person for long as per sex mate/bootycall with mutual understanding dat we r not goin beyond dat lets just enjoy d xplosive sex while it lasts

  18. i think Rotime was tired of the relationship and was looking for an easy excuse to back out, if he really loved you, he would stay with you while struggling to improve himself … he would fiercely maintain his independence while loving you … methinks he found a more generous/richer guy and drifted on smoothly … it’ll hurt like a bitch but you have to cut him loose and purge him from your soul …

  19. Everybody just keep blaming Rotimi. Well u should take the time to consider wat if, wat if rotimi really loves him and is truely breaking up bcus of his insecurities, wat if rotimi thinks dat letting him go is d best thing he can do for him , giving him a chance to meet someone else who he believes would b a better man Dan he (rotimi ) is , wat if rotimi being wit him is actually part of d reason y rotimi feels so inferior and insecure. bcus me feels powerless and emasculated in d relationship bcus Santa keeps providing and he has nothing to contribute ( nt santas fault thou) relationships are complicated and I actually think dat him breaking up was d best wit time he will begin to resent Santa to lash out @ him to feEl jealous of him den d love will go sour. I think its better dis way give him time and space to work out his issues and b a better man if nt for Santa but for d next man he meets and Santa if its any consolation u should b happy u experienced love something most of us search for but it eludes us

  20. I am new on this block peeps. This is a cool story but if it’s real, then Roti mi has issues with self esteem. Some guys think if they are not contributing financially un a relationship, then they are I complete

  21. Lol can really relate just mine was well to do but was full of lies,tricks and deceit.When it all came to an end,I just slid on my ear plugs and punched on rihanna’s “cry” on my play list.Reminiscence,hmmm love is a fable…

  22. Ah, what a way to brake up with your boyfriend… One of the reasons I’ve kept myself from falling in love. I am in a relationship sort of…well it’s complicated really! Don’t know if i’mnsingle or not. Story for another day. Back to the Koko of the matter, you can’t force someone to love you, I’ve made this same mistake over and over. You. Can’t convince someone to love you. If you find yourself convincing your partner about your relationship then it isn’t worth it beleive me. You must hold out to the right one, but make sure that the life you are living in the main time is a full one, single or not! Wink wink.

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