Life doesn’t always go the way you want it. In those moments when things depend on chance and luck, I find myself trying hard to control the fates. I do things with the hope that it would help put the odds in my favour. At moments like those, I become a control freak and I have this intangible weight on my chest and a nervousness that makes me irritable. Sometimes though, you just have to let go. Letting go is usually the hardest. Leaving things to play out as they should is hard. I however believe in not going down without a fight; I need to make sure that I had done whatever it was in my power to do before I fail, so I’d learn my lesson and move on. I’m not afraid of failure, I’m however very scared of regrets. They plague me. Once they come into my thoughts, I stop whatever I’m doing and a brief flashback happens and I feel terrible. I hate those moments. I however have a few regrets currently. And most of them are just stupid stuff. Lol.
I was explaining to a female friend of mine why I was skeptical about having a kid of my own. Kids are a big responsibility and I can be very selfish. She laughed and said she admired how I knew myself.
There’s this almost magical thing that’s supposed to happen when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. Like your heart is suddenly captivated by that little bundle of joy you helped create. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t think my dad felt that when he held any of us in his arms. He wasn’t even with my mum while she was in the hospital (though I think it stems from the fact that my brother hates the sound of women giving birth, and I guess he does too). My worry (chronic worrier here) is that if I’m banking on that magical feeling and it turns out not to be true but one of the many clichés given to us from Hollywood, it would be too late to do anything. I can’t return the baby!
Chai! What am I doing? I’m worrying about whether or not I’ll make a good dad at this my small age. I swear I need help! Lol.
Maybe it’s a good thing though, thinking about stuff like this while my age mates are only bothering about grades and Instagram likes and things that are not actually real life.
My birthday, just recently past, was awesome. Dear Lord… There was no party, not a lot of friends, but one did come over, and because of him, it’s all sooooo…I dunno…symptoms of an extreme crush? Maybe. But could be love… Could be anything… And the fact that it feels like I’m stepping into a new adventure as I start another year makes it all thrilling and scary.
He’s got the softest eyes… And mouth. And I just want to eat things off every inch of his body. I want him to say my name and I want him to make me say his name. Then I want to hold him tight and breathe him in as we talk about nothing and everything, and be mellow in comfortable silences. I want that. But life isn’t a wish-granting factory. Sometimes, you have to work for it. Sometimes, even after you work, you don’t know how it would end. You might get your wish. You could fall flat on your face. But I’m just enjoying the moment as it is.
No, James isn’t about to dive into something that will go out in flames. Not just yet. I’ve learned a lot and I know rushing things like this is a terrible, terrible error. We understand each other for now though, and I know that if we decide to not listen to our heads and things go down in flames, I’ll be happy I got a chance to share a wonderful moment with someone special. God! Why does my heart feel like it’s about to burst? I’m happy and sad at the same time.
Breathe, James. Don’t forget to breathe.
My mum almost spoilt my birthday for me. I decided to spend my birthday in Lagos. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I didn’t want a lot of fuss. I just knew I didn’t want to spend it at home. In fact I was down for spending it alone at a movie and probably buy a book and just bask in the glory of getting a new age. The day before was when I asked my crush if he’d come say hi and he agreed.
My mum asked me how I spent my birthday. I told her I went to the cinema and hung out with a few friends. I knew she was going to start reading meaning into it. So I added a lie that I had a girl with me. I wish I hadn’t. Dunno why I did. Guilty conscience maybe.
She then went on to start telling my cousin how she doesn’t know any of my friends, that I never bring them to the house. Really, mum? Really? You want me to pack people from where I school to be coming to my house, abi? No wahala. During holidays, when they have gone to Jos, Ilorin, Lagos, Abuja to meet their parents, I will ask them to come and visit me.
I’m just tired of her nagging sha. I still love her though, and that’s the most annoying part of it all. Because I can understand what she’s probably seeing, and the fact that I’m part of the reason for her worries is too much.
But she needs to realise – like me – that sometimes you consciously choose to be happy. You need to choose to ignore the bullshit and let things go.
Anywho, I’ve got some piece of good news. I get to do my IT in Lagos. But I won’t be in this city to hoe around. I’m pretty sure that in between the traffic and work, there would be little or no time or even privacy for that. I chose to have the IT here because I simply do not want to be in my school area or my hometown or its provinces during the break. In fact, I’d be down to do it in Abuja or Jos or even Kogi. Just not home.
That’s it for now, folks. Thanks for taking another peek into my awesome life. *cocks shotgun to destroy anyone who says otherwise*
Oh, and fun fact for those Harry Potter fans like me. Did you know Ronald Weasley’s patronus is a breed of dog that likes to chase otters (I forget the name). Anybody able to tell me why this is interesting?
Written by James