RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 5)

Blog_Rantings Of A Random (GAY) NigerianBy the grace of God – This is my least favorite (Nigerian) expression right after “Manage it”. My aversion to this phrase has nothing to do with my faith or beliefs; it just irks me because in it is embedded an abdication of responsibility. For example, you take your fabric to a tailor and ask him if it will be ready next week, and he says, “By the grace of God.” My response is always something like: “God’s grace is always available, and God is not the one sewing the cloth Himself. You know how many jobs you currently hold and you know how fast you work. So how about you consider these factors and go ahead to give me a realistic time frame for collection.”

This abdication of responsibility is also seen in our country’s leadership; we pray to God to end insurgency rather than taking a sustained military offensive against the terrorists. As a young Catholic boy (yes, you read right, I even fancied being a priest at some point before ‘worldly pleasures’ distracted me), I remember scoffing at that “prayer against bribery and corruption in Nigeria” (do they still say that prayer in Catholic churches?), because even at that age, I knew that God would not come and end corruption in Nigeria; it is Nigerians themselves who will put an end to it. At some point, you have to take responsibility for your life.

A few days ago here, we were discussing the piece about validation and the writer talked about categorizing people based on financial means in the gayborhood. This rings very true, and the reason why it’s so much of an issue on this side of the road than on the other side is simply because being gay is an expensive sexual orientation. I mean, for starters, to have sex, you need to buy KY jelly of 1000 naira (which you may exhaust in one session). Lol. So having some measure of financial independence is critical to surviving in these waters. Men are visually stimulated and gay men are mostly vain too, so you need to wear nice clothes, smell nice, take care of your body etc to get any attention in this big meat market. And these things cost money. I mean, meet a guy on grindr and chat with him, and the second or third question is always “What do you do?”, and if you don’t give a satisfactory answer, you are given the BBM rapture treatment (lol). I know straight men that are unemployed and have no dime to their names, but still have very good-looking girlfriends who believe they are riding out the drought with them; but when I was fresh out of school and hustling for a job, no one wanted anything more than just sex with me. Some things are just that way.

I was with a few friends the other day having drinks, when they mentioned that one guy (whom I know) got married the week before. Now this was strange because I had this guy on BBM and he did not mention the wedding neither did he even share a picture of the ceremony. I know that I am not really one to change photos everyday (I can use one DP for one year without changing), but at least it was his wedding, so I was curious. When I got home, I buzzed him and asked him if he did get married. First he was evasive and cagey, trying to find out how I knew. Then he finally acceded and apologized, saying that he did not want to invite many people to the nuptials. I prodded further and got the full gist: he lived at home with his family (wrong move for any adult gay man), and his brother stumbled upon him and a guy in an uncompromising position and reported to their father, who is this very prominent politician in Rivers State. This confirmed the father’s suspicion all along, and the old man gave him an ultimatum – to either get married immediately or be cut out of the family. And this friend of mine is a businessman, who is mostly into small government contracts, with all his businesses built on the connections that come with his family name. So he buckled and got married, against his wish (and naturally did not feel joyous enough to tell his friends). I am not one to kick the wounded, but I reminded him that I’d told him to move out of the family mansion a long time ago; being gay and living at home with family (in Nigeria) DOES NOT EVER WORK. His mom kept making him stay with excuses that she needed him around, and that besides the house was big enough to accommodate him. Now he is in a marriage he absolutely detests; and to make it even twisted, the new wife knows he is gay and has been assigned by his parents to watch his every step. I feel really sad for him; I shudder at the thought of being forced into something like this. I always say that Nigerian families take a lot of things for granted.

My computer packed up recently and I needed a new one. My mind was set on buying a particular brand when I went to the gadget store. I was looking at different models of the said brand when I locked eyes with the most beautiful man I have ever seen manning a stand for another brand of computers. I suddenly found myself standing in front of this guy (who couldn’t have been more than twenty-two years), and I had no idea how I got to his stand. He started pitching a laptop to me to buy, trying to sell me on its features, but to be honest, I did not hear a word of what he was saying. His sales monologue sounded like a distant echo while I took in his features – his white teeth, his jaw line (my weakness), big succulent lips. I thought that Max is the only guy who combines a strong jaw line and juicy lips (besides Dammy Krane, of course), but this guy looked like a black Greek god. When he turned to place something on the shelf, I caught a glimpse of his cakes and I swooned and fell into the lagoon.

Anyway, before I could stop myself, I heard myself say, “I will take it.” My inner subconscious called me a slut and I slapped him shut. I ended up buying a brand I wasn’t sure was durable or fully understood how it works; this kid seduced me into making a purchase and on the drive home, the guilt started to sink in.

Much later in the night, I was struggling to set up my accounts on the device and I just couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Then my phone buzzed with a Whatsapp message, and it was the guy. I wondered briefly how he got my number, and then I remembered I filled an invoice. I responded to his hello.

Him: How are you enjoying your device?

I wondered if he was flirting with me or if he was just very good with customer care.

Me: Do you always check on all your customers?

Him: It’s called after sales service sir, and I do make an exception for some.

Okay, so he was definitely flirting with me, and I recalled the exaggerated gesticulations with his hands when he was selling the device to me. His femininity was subtle, like a bait; just enough to stir your interest.

Me: Drop the sir, I hate it. Makes me feel old.

Him: Dropped… So, enjoying your device?

Now positive that he was definitely flirting with me, I went in for the kill.

Me: No, I’m not. It confuses me, and this is the result of allowing a distractingly handsome young store attendant talk me into buying a device.

Him: Lol, it can’t be that bad. I know you are not used to the interface. It will grow on you eventually, and you will be happy you met me that day.

Me: I doubt that very much.

Him: How can I make it up to you?

Me: Have drinks with me and maybe help me set up my accounts, settings and all.

Him: Will do, when?

We met up the following evening. He helped me set up the settings and we had a few beers . . .

And that is where the story ends for all of you. *blows air gently on my coffee and takes a sip*

See you guys next week.

XOXO

Dennis Macaulay

132 thoughts on “RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 5)

  1. OMGeeeeee,
    DM you have officially earned a badge from me as the next _________ after DEE.
    I can totally relate to the gay naija living with his family, most times the family is the causer but that your friend F’d up.
    Nice entry, when I keep seeing all this grammar for dictionary just wanna drive me CRAY.

  2. I thought I was the only one that hated that term “by God’s grace”. As for the guy who’s been sequestered/cloistered (or is closeted) for life, let’s break him out. But I agree with U, if U can’t pay Ur own bills in this country, U are screwed and not in the fun way.

    • I don’t think I have much issues with the term “by God,s grace” .its better than when someone who can render assistance to you declines but adds soothingly “God will sort you out”. That was what a man who I lent money for his flight ticket when he was stranded told me many years ago when I was equally stranded and needed cash so badly.It has been over 15yrs but I kept remembering it.

  3. LOL.
    I whispered “idiot” at that ending note.

    You can go right ahead and scratch the Nigerian out of that expression. Katy Perry has a song with that title and, expresses similar convictions as you accuse Nigerians.
    Personally, I acknowledge a silent prayer in God’s name for all to go as planned but I also won’t fail to remind the ‘user’ that they’ve got work to do.

  4. Now I know where you’ve been.. So you been out cheating with some hoe… Sorry store attendant.
    But these store attendants can like to be fine sha. I always find myself buying more than I need in eateries. They employ a torrent of cute lads to attend to customers. And they keep asking if you want this and that ..and I’ll keep saying yes so they could keep talking. Oh lawd.. How long has it been since I got laid?? ***RunsToCheckCalender***

  5. Ehee, living with ur parents- Bad idea
    Ain’t paying your bills- you’re screwed
    Being forced into marriage- you’re a wimp
    And I hate the “by Gods grace” phrase too. People need to get their ass off the chair and start doing things instead of waiting on God.

  6. Oh maxxy see you see ya life in mama peace’s voice.

    There is this phyne brother @ coldstone @leisure mall in lere part of lagos by name PAUL all in capital I usually go there to and specifically asks or wait for him to DO my iceCREAM, gosh only his smile I almost messed myself up once because of him *side eyes*

    He will be like should I add m&k TOPPINGS, how about peaNUT, walNUT? Let me add coffee to give you that sweet-bitter taste you desire and after all said and done he will be like your bill is 2,750 sir, will pay and his next word is, do call again and me will be like you bet I would.

    Now I can’t help but eat iceCREAM daily, I’m getting BIG.

  7. Awwwww D this is one of the most interesting pieces I have read on KD! Gbam! I enjoyed it so much and I could relate with almost everything u said up there….awwww and you have another MRS DM eya…Oya introduce her to your KD fam biko let’s tear her to shreds like we did the last one abi??? So u dare not!

    Also in fact I have or sorry had a friend who was gay and ofcoz NaIJA pressures forced a wife on him not ever telling that he had HIV and got her pregos….long story short he died and soon after his child followed and that’s how they found out…

    Well what else is new…

  8. okay…im in a merry mood today primarily because Florence Welch, the goddess of all this avant has decided to grace us mortals, with a 2min album teaser. But this presumptive pile of crap written by a charlatan almost ruined my mood..

    Where do i start; Being gay is expensive? How about you try being straight or wooing a girl with expensive gifts and means before u can bed her, or being a lesbian and purchasing a strap on that sells for on average > 10k. and if you are so opulent as you profess then purchasing KY jelly shouldn’t be an issue. Also KY Jelly? like ppl still use that?

    and the last bit about meeting a guy,is an insult to everyone’s intelligence. if anyone believes that badly made up bull,then they are equally as mentally ill as the writer. I don’t see how a scenerio like that would be possible in ur case especially with those frail legs of yours.

  9. Max, PP, DM shey you guys have finally revealed ya true colours. Y’all were busy calling me and khalessi airplane sluts cos we ogle hot flight attendants while y’all were busy forming virgin Mary and Martha

    Now fowl yansh don open, DM is now using a laptop that he will never grow into, Max is buying petrol when he doesnt need to, Pinky is going to become a plus-sized model….Issorai…. All these thirsty hoes-tumers God is watching you with 3D glasses

  10. Being a fat guy I get that you cannot understand how someone works out often to keep a slim frame and “frail legs”.

    This hatred and obsession with someone you don’t know and who doesn’t even care about you is the unhealthiest thing ever. Chestnut has warned you about having a stroke which is quite common in fat people.

    Judging from persona we all know who is mentally unstable.

    Don’t hurt yourself on account of me, its not worth it!

    *hugs*

    • once again your presumptive reasoning blankets any form of intelligence your brain tries to muster. Assuming I were fat as you have callously put it, id rather be fat than you; a 28 yr old man who one day is a pharmacist and then d next is mingling with expatriates and who’s only form of relevance is an anonymous blog. and pls do not mistake irritation for hate. I do not hate you, I just find you very irritating and I am amused by your audacity. How you can spill such lies and assume that uve had ppl convinced bemuses me.

      and obsessed? the only time I am aware of your existence unfortunately is when i come on this blog, and its hard to miss especially seeing as your comments are spewed all over the place. I wonder when you have the time to indulge in this life of yours.

      Thats that, now get lost with those chicken legs of yours. I’ve got things to do!

      • Chukwu Nna!! This is a mortal blow, blood and guts flying everywhere … ***dials 911, throws off bright orange stilettos and rushes over to Dennis with a first aid bag*** ***stay with me Dennis,stay with me … you’ll be just fine… i promise*** (in desperate emergency rescue medic’s voice)

      • …on a serious note, is this guy for real? Can someone have so much hatred for one he doesn’t know? It is quite amusing…and disgusting. I wonder why people still acknowledges his posts.

  11. Really dude, really???, that’s all we get?, just beer?, Dennis (Ukwuoma) Macaulay, how dare you serve tea and and not let us drink it, how dare u dangle this plump, juicy carrot in our faces taunting us with it. If I catch you I’ll pinch your cakes so hard you’ll…Oh sorry what am I saying.

  12. Dennis!!!!! You’re a hell-bound slut!!! You have a first class reservation to hell aboard an airbus A380 super-jumbo jet!! Absolutely love this piece!! Nigerians will continue to wait for the ‘grace of God’ to come down and end insurgency, corruption,unemployment,insecurity etc … make we all siddon dey wait dey look ourselves while others put in the hard work thats required to move a society forward ….mtchwwwwwww ….
    As for your friend who was forced into a charade of a marriage, i feel so deeply sorry for him, u wouldnt wish that on even my worst enemy. But then as a gay (Nigerian) man, this is a very real danger that can erupt at any time … you need to very early in life start thinking seriously about being self sufficient by generating your own income. Too often our families are very eager and willing to use threats of financial abandonment as potent weapons in order to get us ‘in line’ … i frankly don’t know how long your friend can put up with living in such a corner of hell. He needs to take some hard, drastic and painful decisions – and fast! He needs to grab strength from wherever he can find it ….

  13. I certainly can relate to one of the story lines in today’s write-up.
    The other day, my device got damaged… so I took it to a genius bar to go get it fixed, and as Ifa would have it, the guy that attended to me was pure fire, he had me on instant overdrive.
    He said is name was Benjamin pronounced “Bounjamon”, He had this extremely cute aura around him for someone with piercings, all I wanted to do was lick the piercings he had on his face and around his ears and I would have been sated.
    I made sure to stare intently at his face, hold his hands for a slightly more inappropriate time and laugh at almost any comment he made… long story short, I ended up googling him upon getting home but to no avail. I have booked another appointment for Monday… I would be going in prepared this time with the sole aim of never getting that device fixed.

    Hello Max…. I’m still crushing.

  14. So wait the wife also knows about him and they have her watching his every move? Well far be it from me to say that marriage is not going to last but hey what do I know. Heiress or not moving out of the folks house at a certain age is mandatory especially for the trust fund babies that are gay. If not, well everybody in the family house will be in your business.
    On another note, DM I will like to pitch a product to ya!! (In my sexy voice haha)

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