The last time I was in love was…
I can’t even remember.
Time has passed that I don’t even know what love feels like.
I have seen different versions of love over the years that I don’t even have expectations anymore. One guy said he loved me but slept with my friend. The other one said I am the best he ever had. I wonder why he settled for mediocre.
My first experience with love was surreal. He was perfect for me. Intelligent. Smart. Sexy in a laid back way. Drama free and a terrific kisser. I not only fell for his intellect but for his charm. Everyone loved him and I knew I had found the one.
Or at least I thought I had.
A year later and we broke up. He wasn’t true and lied over and over again. The one I gave my heart to had ripped it in two; leaving me with nothing but pain and heartache. My world shattered and my consolation was cereal and cheesy break-up songs. Somehow I found the courage to let go and move on. And I have been fine ever since.
Have I really?
Yes I have whored around a bit. But who hasn’t? Maybe I have broken a couple of hearts myself. We have all done that? I usually just blamed it on my first love but now I don’t think I should anymore.
There is something about you, Bash. I don’t know what it is and I can’t put my finger on it. Is it the way you smile? Or the way you hold my hand? Or the way you kiss me like your entire existence depends on it. Maybe it’s in our conversations. The way I tease you about your birthmark or the way your signature beans and dodo gives me life. Maybe it is the way you laugh at my dry jokes or how you are quick to apologize even when I am wrong. It is probably how you pay attention to detail or the way you say “I really don’t want to fight right now.” Maybe it’s the sacrifices you made and continue to make for me.
You make me feel a certain type of way, Bash. You make me want to commit. You make me want spend the rest of my life with you. You make me want to be vulnerable with you. You make me want to be a lot of things but I am most thankful that you make me want to be a better person.
I don’t know what love feels like anymore. But if this is love, then I don’t want it to stop.
You are my world. And I hope that I am your world too.