Okay… I didn’t want to put anything up this Sunday, because I didn’t have much to write. Actually I had something to write, but I wondered if it would be a bad thing if I put it up. But then I thought, what the heck… All these people know I have a boring journal about my life on a really popular gay blog, but decide to still say and do the things they say and do.
So… This isn’t to spite anyone. This is just me doing what I do, recording my life for those interested in it to read.
It was a fateful morning, not sure what day it was… I was asleep and dreaming about my cat, Chuks, when I was awakened by a knock. I was naked on my bed, so I asked who it was. There was a faint reply. I thought it must be some neighbour chick of mine who I was crushing mildly on, and so I wrapped my bedsheets around my waist and opened the door.
On my threshold was my ex, Duke.
Apparently, he needed to take a shower at my place. Long story (meaning I’m not interested in talking about it). I obliged. I was still a bit sleepy and disgruntled that I had been woken up by around 7am, but I decided to be the jolly ole fellow I am and oblige him in conversation.
I’m not sure what led up to this, but then he went on to tell me how I wasn’t so handsome/fine and I was just photogenic. I don’t know if he was joking or not… I think he was serious, because when we were having that weird thing we called a relationship, he mentioned on more than one occasion how I was not someone he normally would look at twice. He even called my knees weird once and was insistent I needed to get pink lips to improve on myself. Urgh.
Next thing he said was that he only dated me to get back at his ex for hurting him and all that, and basically, he was using me. And that when I finally broke up with him, he only pretended to be devastated because he felt like.
I smiled at all that, but I wanted to throw daggers at him. How dare he? Wake me up on one of my few precious exam-free days after I’d spent almost all night revising, only to come tell me that I was basically a tool in his hands and subtly hint that I’m ugly in person! I never strut around thinking I’m the most good-looking person there is. I know I’m a plane old Jane with a lot to be left wanting physically. But to come to my home and say all he said was just…I dunno. It amused me and it angered me. However I swallowed it all. But it’s right here in my stomach and has refused to go away. Honestly I went into the whole thing with him, hoping it might go somewhere and also hoping it would help me get over John, but apparently I was just a naive tool to be playing around with.
Anyways, that’s that. At least, I know what the dynamics of the little “friendship” we have is like now. Thanks a lot, Duke.
Now, I’ve been told I’m full of myself, that I have an attitude problem, that I’m mean. Basically people who don’t know me or people who have got only this journal to go by, have decided to judge me accordingly. I sometimes wonder why I put myself out here, but whatever.
I had recently broken up with my last ex when someone on my BBM beeped me. I told him I was down and blah-blah-blah. We had only chatted once before then. And it wasn’t exactly sparks-flying-and-realising-we-are-soul-mates. It was the middle of my exams anyways, so we didn’t talk after that.
So he asked what was wrong, and I said my breakup was a part of the issue. And he was like, “Too bad, but good news for us.” I was a bit surprised by that response. He then went on to ask me to treasure him or something of that nature.
To be honest, I thought he was joking and trying to lighten up my mood, so I typed “looool”.
But it turned out he was serious, and then, I directly said no. I don’t know if I added ‘I’m sorry’ to it or not. But I simply said no. I didn’t say ‘No’ because I felt big, or because I felt like we couldn’t date or something, or that I was above him. In fact, he’s older than me and quite good looking, and if I was in a better state of mind, I might have considered it. But he was asking me to date him two weeks after I broke up with someone else, without even showing concern after I told you what was up. And he expected me to leap into his arms and “treasure” him?
Then he took it personally. I wonder why people take someone refusing their request personally and go on to show that they are taking it personally. He said some nasty stuff that day, but I no longer have the conversation. I forgot about him thereafter too. He was pissed at me for not agreeing anyways. What was the point of saying hello? And I had exams to worry about.
So the same guy recently beeped me and asked if we couldn’t even be friends on BBM. I told him that it depended on him. He after all was the one who got snippy because I gave a direct No. He said he wasn’t angry at the response, but the way I said it. That I’m full of myself. That I need to change.
So, all that sxcellent deduction from like the three times we chatted? Okay. His advice was duly noted.
Now this brings me to the question: Am I full of myself? I’d love to say no. I think people take my standing my ground as being full of myself, or not being willing to inconvenience myself for others as being mean. I will not travel to meet you if we are not dating. You may be fine as hell. You may be as tempting as well-prepared rice and dodo with a nice chilled drink on a hot Monday afternoon, but I will not go to Lagos or Ilorin or Ife or out of whatever state I am just because I want to meet you. I am not going to die on the road just because I want to go and see a guy. (This rant is on a totally unrelated issue)
And to him who says I am full of myself or I’m proud or whatever… You don’t fucking know me because if you did, you’d know I’ve got demons I’m constantly fighting. I fear I’m not good enough and will always be just a little above average, and that time is ticking and nothing useful has been done with my life. Most days, I stare at the mirror and want to throw a cloth over it because I don’t want to see that ugly thing staring back at me. I struggle to memorize words in my textbooks while almost all my classmates seem to have photogenic memories and would remember something they read while in the womb. I envy someone who I inspired to pick up the guitar and learn to play has already started doing things I could never dream of doing for a while. You’re not with me in my room at 2am when I’m wondering why life doesn’t appear to be going as planned.
So don’t judge me just because I told you a straight up No when you asked me out.
You’re probably going to delete me after this. Whatever. I don’t know if I should have written this up here or not. But whatever still. I’m going to bed.
Written by James