JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 27)

Blog_KD JournalJanuary 23

My money haf almost finish o. Lol.  You see ehn, most adults forget what it’s like to write exams. I cannot afford to cook when I have mounds of parasites, drugs and pathological names to remember. Also my active brain needs nourishment, and if I crave dominos and coldstone, I will go ahead and buy them, because I am relieving stress (By the way, don’t mix ice cream and pizza, unless you have weird taste buds like me).

So, that was my argument with my dad. Not exactly like that. I can be spoilt but I’m not that spoilt. I did tell him that I used most of the money on food and since I didn’t have time to cook, most of it was gone. I also lost my ID card and I had to spend money in the process of retrieving it. And I’ve spent quite a lot of cash on these expensive Nigerian data plans, downloading YouTube videos to supplement my knowledge and streaming porn to jerk off with when I feel über-stressed and need to relax (I didn’t add that one sha).

To be honest, I realise these are flimsy excuses. I am blessed to be getting the amount of money I get from him (it’s not as much as you think, but compared to others, I could be a lot worse off). I should have managed it more, but when you’re depressed that you still cannot remember which parasite belongs to which indefinite host, after reading it 15 times, you need comfort food. I’ll call him again and stroke his ego. That works more often than not.

Then again, I could ask him to send me next month’s allowance early. It’d be a win for me because I won’t be in school for most of next month. But my dad is as cunning as he is Ijebu. He would refuse to give me full allowance upon resumption claiming that I didn’t finish the month of February in school.

I have to stay scheming then.

What’s his ish sef? Is it because I’m not asking for 15k to buy nonexistent textbooks? (Once again, I know I sound like a spoilt brat. Bite me)

I was chatting with someone offhandedly. The guy seemed nice at first, courteous even. Then I told him I was hanging with some friends last Sunday, and he goes, “Will you give me one of them to fuck?”

Like WTF!

I Lol-ed it out and said that I don’t own their bodies. He told me that I could influence them. I lost all interest in that conversation. To make matters worse, he asked once what I was doing, and when I replied that I was studying for an exam, he had the “common sense” to ask why I liked book so much.

Like Double WTF!

I just had to ask him if he wanted me to fail or something. Like books, my ass. I hate my course notes (most of ‘em), but I hate re-sits and carryovers more, so forgive me if I decide I want to steer my life in the right direction and read my books. I wanted to reply him with all of what I just put down here, but that would be unnecessary drama on my part. So I simply asked if he wanted me to fail.  So far, so good, no reply.

I’ve met so many interesting people lately. I’m tryna keep it friendly between us. I’m seriously crushing on one and he appears to like me too. But of course, I’ve learnt that: (1) You don’t know the number of other people the person you’re chatting with is telling sweet nothings to, and (2) Friendship should try and be maintained first even if you feel a spark. I’m just observing sha. It would have helped if most of these people were in my city with me. Instead I have to dissect their brilliant minds on screen and deal with the horny and once-in-a-while-almost-illiterate bunch in person. I mean it’s not all about the sex. I like to talk to smart and equally talkative people like me. Unless you’re handsome, then it’s about sex and your mind.

So I decided to have my six-week IT in Lagos. I’d like to imagine it would be a time to spend with the person I like and meet up with other people, but I’ll probably spend most of it holed up in a lab streaming YouTube videos and downloading movies with fast WiFi. I wouldn’t dare download porn; some of these WiFi things are monitored.

When I told my mum I wanted to do my IT in Lagos, I was expecting her to recoil in horror as if I’d told her I wanted to move to Sodom. Instead, she seemed all for it. I’ve got relatives there who she’d probably ask to let me stay with them. It’s just left to tell my dad.  I’m sure he’ll just grunt and change the TV channel. I love that man.

I wrote a bit of poetry last night. I was bored with my books and decided to release steam by being artsy. I remembered something my crush said: Water-Color Day-Dream, and I sort of tried to imagined what that would be like.  So I poured it into words and got this.

Kaleidoscope of light

A tapestry of music

A sight to behold

Hazy and beautiful

You’re out of my reach

*

I hear your echoes calling

I feel your breath failing

Emotions conflicting

You are beautiful but faint

You’re still out of my reach

*

You’re my watercolor daydream

Beautiful and faint

Elusive as the rainbow’s end

Forever out of my reach

I know it is not Vhar-worthy, but I deal with random ramblings, not poetry. Looking at it, I think my crush influenced it more than I thought.

Look at me sounding like a little girl… My crush, my crush, my crush… Lol. You should see him. He’s awesome. He even writes poetry… *dreamy sigh*

James! Snap out of it! Have you no shame?!

Next Day: 12am

It’s funny how I can go from one range of emotion to the next in a day.  I was so excited from before and talking about my crush, but a few minutes ago, I got really depressed and shii and felt like nobody liked me and I would die alone with 40 cats, and that the fairy tale I had built in my head was just a cruel way of torturing myself looking for perfection when life isn’t perfect, and forgetting that my happiness lies with no man but within me.

In a bid to make sense of it all, I called Uncle. Uncle is a middle-aged gay man who I talk to about stuff like this. Kinda like a gay dad. We talked and he drilled sense that I normally loose back into my head, and right now, I feel better with a more positive outlook on life.

I had a feeling I was bipolar. The whole change if emotions… I’d be happy for a while and get depressed for a much longer time. It’s usually between these ranges if emotion that I’d get bursts of artsy energy and shit. I however didn’t consult a psychiatric professional.  This is a disclaimer before something weird happens like a self-diagnosed ex-bulimic patient accusing me of self diagnosis too. Anyhoo, I don’t think I’m bipolar anymore. I’m just sensitive or something.

I’ve been jamming Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. I disliked it at first because I missed her old sad country rock mix of music, but this one has grown on me. I love almost all the songs. I hate Welcome To New York though; my bestie is probably going to kill me for saying that. Lemme go hide.

Then there’s this rock band called Relient K. I am wearing LASTMA jacket for that one because the band is apparently old. I really like their collapsible lung song, and their music has this playful quality to it. Serious music is good. Talking about heartbreak and making me feel nostalgia and stuff, no problem. But playful music is better. That’s why I love Owl City and Mikka, and now Relient K.

By the way, I drew this (picture below). It’s basically stuff like this I like to draw. Sometimes I also like to draw landscapes and trees. Never been good at portrait though, and it’s much better to draw from my imagination. I can make things the way I want them to. Drawing is like an escape for me. When I’m stressed, I tend to draw green stuff because it’s calming. But when I’m excited or bored, I just make abstract scrawls that look like clouds or fire or smoke or whatever it is I feel like. Then I colour according to my mood. Basically you can tell my mood from a painting I did in fifteen minutes.IMG_20150122_162526

When life hands you lemons, say “Lemons… I love ‘em. What else you got?”

Buh-bye.

Written by James

31 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 27)

  1. Nna eh, keeping up with your thots is like chasing a butterfly; it leaves one exhausted but thoroughly entertained! Wow!

    Ice cream and pizza? ***sigh*** Ikeja cold stone creamery is right next to Dominos pizza! Dude don’t do me longa throat this morning!

    I also did buy one or two fictitious books when I was in the university! Also I am back in school and honestly I am not loving it; I keep telling myself that I should just be a stripper dancing in thongs and forget books!

    This was a great read james!

    ***kiss***

  2. and another (consecutive) Chizzie reference, its safe to assume u think abt me alot.

    Apparently there are alot of (self diagnosed) mentally ill ppl on this blog, and proudly proclaiming that one is mentally ill has become a fad here. Mental illness if anything isnt something that one should casually assume having. If you have a mental illness be it OCD or being bipolar then it is a serious thing indeed and you should seek professional help. Mentally ill ppl are more likely to kill themselves and/or harm others in the process and have a gradually diminishing quality of life.

    So now that you have in ways self diagnosed and accepted that perhaps you are mentally ill, then do the next best thing, seek professional help! There’s a really popular bedlam in Lagos, its located in Yaba..You and Dennis could schedule a consultation, doubt they have good one’s in PH.

    All the best.

  3. Ok! I still don’t understand why ppl still refer to lagos as the mecca of gay men in naija. I live in lagos and I still don’t see them (scratch that. I still don’t see the right them)

    @james don’t get me started on the change in mood matter. I still can’t get into taylor, I don’t undersand the hype, but everybody and their taste. Still thirstily waiting 4 R8!

  4. First, the shade(s) have started to lose steam. Let it stop.Second, that bit on chatting with someone that said he wants your friend to fuck, that S.O.B is definitely getting my delete parcel. I can’t stand buttheads. I never had the mind to tell my parents about fictional books and school materials and I regret it cos I would have been balling hard.
    Good read James. Good read.

  5. Taylor Swift’s 1989 album is what made me her fan. Being jamming most of the tracks now, when I couldn’t stand her music before. Guess that makes me not a fan of her ‘old sad country rock mix of music’.

    PS: I also do not like that Welcome To New York. Seems like such a hiphop-ey title and tune, too much for her.

    • Well you’re in the minority then, because most people think she should stick to her ‘sad ole country music’. i happen to like both the Pop and Country Taylor Swift. It shows versatility on her part. Not every musician can break from what they are used to and get into an entire new genre. She did and for her first effort she definitely did well.

      ‘Welcome to New York’ is one of if not the weakest tracks on the album, with Blank Soace being the album’s strongest entry. All in all its a solid album. Taylor can do no wrong in my eyes, music wise.

      • I had to check out her album after seeing her perform the songs at Victoria’s secret fashion show in London. . blank space is the best.
        BTW, I think she has a crush on Ed Sheeran(Pun intended)..

      • OMG! The video of Blank Space was all kinds of awesome. Taylor was bloody good in it!
        And then the eye candy in the video…jaw dropping gorgeous candy. Sean O’Pry. Dazzal! 😍😍😍

      • Pls o, Taylor swift ignoramus here #ijusthateher #notsomuchsha, is ‘shake it off’ in this album? really like dat song and blank space too. #onlyonesi’velistenedto.

  6. There are so many talented people here that I’m beginning to feel sapio-sexual. James, Absalom and Rapu’m Kambili, I look to you guys.

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