LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE

future-wifeDear future wife, I come from the past to warn you about the terrible mistake you’re about to make – marrying me.

I’m not going to be your knight in a shining armor, or your “help” in fixing up things in the house. I’m not going to love you, at least not in the way you’ll want to be loved. Even if I do, it’ll be a brother-sister love. In your eyes, I’ll be the man of your dreams, but don’t be fooled; I’m going to be your worst nightmare and you, my bane.

We’re never going to have that wild spontaneous sex you read about and watch in Hollywood movies; ours will be more like a zombie mating with a corpse, strictly for reproduction purposes. There’ll be no kissing, no foreplay, no romance. You’ll often get horny and I won’t be there to satisfy you. Our lovemaking will be vapid and frigid like a storm in a cold November.

I’ll often get drunk before having intercourse with you, so I won’t have to endure the torture of the horrendous experience. So I’ll forget what happened, so I’ll be able to breathe throughout the day without feeling like throwing up or jumping in front of a moving car.

You’re never going to experience orgasm with me, yeah, that elusive female orgasm which only male experts or expensive dildos know how to conjure up. I’m no pussy expert and I’m not interested in being one. I’d rather slam my tongue against a door than think about it.

I’m not going to cuddle you at night when you’re cold. I like sleeping alone.  You’ll often feel alone and unloved; well, honey, you’d be right to feel so. The smell of your pussy makes me wanna wish my life away, it puts me in a state of agony and despair. Touching you sends chills down my spine, it feels as if I’m touching a life-sized serpent with legs and a vagina.

I’m not going to kiss you goodbye when you’re stepping out of the house, nor am I going to kiss you goodnight when you’re about to sleep. I’m often going to be emotionally detached and you’re going to wonder why. You’ll try to make me let you in, but I’ll keep shutting you out.

When you eventually give birth to our children, I’ll love them more than I love you. They’ll become my pet project, to take my attention away from living with you.

You’d often wonder why I look at your brother Toby when he comes to visit; he has nice cakes and a chiseled look, that’s why. Yeah, honey, I eat ass for breakfast and cock for dinner.

Honey, by now you must think I’m heartless, but I assure you I’m not. If the reverse was the case, I’m sure you’d do worse. I mean you couldn’t even stay a week with your sister without blowing up the roof with your ranting and petty bickering, let alone spending your entire life with another girl you’re supposed to love and fuck.

So, my darling, I implore you to consider the epistle above, and if after it all, you still decide to proceed with the marriage, then fine. It’s your funeral. However, when you eventually get tired of putting up with my impossible attitude (as I’m sure you will), you can always find a divorce lawyer, and I’ll be waiting, preparing for my “single ladies” routine in court.

Yours Sincerely

Max

79 thoughts on “LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE

  1. “let alone spending your entire life with
    another girl you’re supposed to love and fuck.”
    .
    .
    its such a touching piece. I tried not to laugh. I swear max. I really tried. until I saw that line. still laughing.

  2. This is false jare. Yes the fucking might not be “made in heaven” but in terms of showing love, whoever marries me will NEVER lack in that dept. You people should stop painting extreme pictures as if we all are totally allergic to women, because believe it or not 80% of you reading this will certainly get married someday if you remain in the country, unless you do it like “Bisi Alimi” or leave the country.

  3. Ok, I know this is a serious matter…..but its hilarious as fuck……of all people to stare at, its her brother Toby?, now Max I knew u were mean but this is pure evil. I’m sure u don’t mean most if the things you wrote in here.

  4. Max! You silly silly boy!

    I laughed really hard reading this!

    But on a serious note any gay man who has an aversion to women (which a lot do have) should not have to put himself through this.

    I have dated women, I had the phase when I was convincing myself and other that I was straight and I dated lots of women. The sex was good, but it was like a chore; like weeding the garden or doing the dishes, u finish wipe the sweat off your face and jump in the shower!

    I never want to live my life that way!

  5. Na wah. why bother to marry at all? as long as my wife lives and respect me, I will be the best husband she can ever think of…and yeah the sex will be great !

  6. Like we’ve learned as regards the Kenny Badmus issue, never go into a marriage because the other partner feels you can change or that he/she can “put up” with you. Do not marry because society expects you to. Marry because you are genuinely in love with a person and the person loves you just as much. Do not marry because its an eventuality like uv been led to believe.

    You do not have to marry if you do not want to, especially if society doesn’t allow you marry who you want.

    “You do not have to marry a woman” That should be every Nigerian gay guys mantra

  7. I have had countless girls falling for me. I believe I will be a perfect husband (like many of us here) but we will have to find a way to have sex. I still cringe at the sight of that multilayered yamayama thing. I guess Viagra will be my bedside pill.

  8. …you can always find a divorce lawyer, and I’ll be waiting, preparing for my “single ladies” routine in court.

    This part got me!!! ROTFL.

    On a more serious note, marriage isn’t for me, its not a sexuality or gay thing, it just a me thing. I don’t think I would have gotten married if I were straight.
    That being said, women don’t repulse me, the vagina doesn’t repulse me either it simply confuses me (its got to much going on at the same time) but i think women are beautiful beings who deserved to be loved and respected…

    In the words of Cam from modern family… ‘I think you’re the complete package, i just happen to prefer someone who has one’.

  9. Hahahaha. I smiled hard at this (laughter is a punishable offence in the office meeting I’m presently in). Good one, beautifully written.

    I actually never thought I’ll be able to give a woman pleasure in the bedroom, I’ve been proven wrong. I guess its not just about the dick slamming, work that her body till she cries “Jah Jehovah”.

    Now if I can get the damn dick to get erect. *slams forehead* Oh that’s true, Viagra.

  10. Hahahahahahhahahaahah, Max ur so evil, why put her through tht agony, remember it can mess with her sanity,leading to self loathing, self hate, suicide.. Dear do like me, brace de odds, u can still have plenty kids without a wife, thereby still being happy with urself and still not messing an innocent lady’s life…
    NB.. a girl I ditched last yr, even de mum called me, am sure someday she will thank. Me,.. she is so good and innocent, I couldn’t put her through this mess

  11. Lmao … Max!!!! Several parts of this piece had me choking back laughter … i wished i could somehow meet your ‘dear future wife’ and warn her to take off her shoes and run head over heels … kai!!
    As Krystopher pointed out, a large majority of us here will eventually ‘conform’ … its an obvious fact … the vicious homophobia if this society will ensure that. As always i truly cant feel any pity for those women who fall into the arms of a gay man, they are part and parcel of the creation of the current climate and as such its only logical that a few of them will form the collateral damage in the crossfire …
    Vaginas make my skin crawl and break out in goosebumps ***chugs from bottle of vodka****

    • Nna ask me. Society knows that there are people who are not cut out for marriage. I know straight men who never got married or who divorced as soon as they got married and remained single for life. Ditto for women. Why should one go into marriage to please another? If you don’t want to call it cowardice, you will surely call it hypocrisy

  12. ALL THESE GUYS TALKING “MY WIFE WILL HAVE THE BEST SEX” HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR SO CALLED WIVES? THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE SHOULD STOP BEEN ABUSED AND SEEING WOMEN AS A BABY MAKING TOOL MUST STOP. AM JUST BLOODY SICK OF BLOODY TWO FACED SCUMBAGS. THOUGH I KNOW GENUIE BISEXUALS (EMOTIONAL,MENTAL AND SOUL CONNECTION TO BOTH SEXES) EXIST.

  13. …the way we talk about women in this group. I wonder what the lesbians amongst us think. The feminists among them. Usually quiet. Not that its a very friendly group for females, is it …

  14. Uhm, maybe apart from the sex part, most of these things seem like basic things. Like kissing her goodbye before she leaves for work?..

    You’re gay not a fucking anti-woman, if that’s a word

  15. I hope we won’t hear tomorrow that this letter was actually the leaked letter that K. Badmus wrote his ex-wife before they got married. On a more serious note, where you paid to write this? *runs away*

  16. I thought the way it was over the top would be a teensy clue that it wasn’t meant to be taken with a straight face. Max maybe next time u shld put a disclaimer at the top saying: THIS PIECE IS MEANT TO BE SATIRICAL….I DO NOT THINK FEMALES ARE ABSURDITIES OF NATURE

  17. There is a certain trend I’ve noticed on KD and specifically on this comment thread: and that is people complaining of marginalization of those who are not gay. I ask: how many of these bisexual, lesbian and religious people wrote articles or forcefully propounded their views on life, love and sexuality on this blog?
    The complaints I would like to see is ‘I sent a piece to PP 2 weeks ago yet he hasn’t posted them’ not sitting back to whine that bisexual ppl r treated like bats.
    News flash: PP, DM and Max are gay and would write their pieces from a gay perspective…they cannot speak like u because they are not you. If u want to be heard, dust off ur pen and write ish urself

    #MyTwoPence

  18. Max you just used satire to mask your innate belief and conviction about the woman!!! We ain’t fooled!

    However, please don’t be fooled….the woman who you will one day call your wife may grow so into you and be so close to you that she will become like your own body….er you may want to rethink some of the things you had penned there my bra!

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