I’ve always had a hunch
That putting sentences
On different lines
When they could have all been on the same line
Turns a rather bland sentence
Lol. I know it’s not as easy as that, but look at what I just did. Isn’t it biuriful! I think that’s what Vhar basically does… *strokes beard in thought*
I’m writing exams. Yay! (Please, note my heavy sarcasm) This exam is however much more lenient than my previous ones. We have at least 24 hours before each paper, which is enough time for me to go through my notes and work on past questions with times for 10-minute power naps in between.
My life has been relatively dry… Not that dry though. At the risk of getting a lot of sneers and jeers from people, I will state that my boyfriend and I have broken up. Why? Because I am a stupid dunderhead, that’s why. Erm… chizzie, your opinion that if the two people have work to do and a place to shag, it will keep the relationship going didn’t work in this case. Just thought you should know.
Now for real, why the break-up? It’s a bit complicated, but simply put, I was incapable of loving him the way he loved me and wanted me to love him. That might have been fine and all, but the way he behaved made me think I made him unhappy, and I wasn’t feeling good about the relationship. I mean, what’s the point of a relationship if you’re often anxious you’ve said something or done something wrong? And instead of him to be out with it, he would sulk and pout and give me one-word answers. Then I was getting close to exams and sort of realised the emotional issues might cause some wahala in my studying. So I asked if we could take a break. Sha-sha-sha, I broke up with him the next day. He deleted me from BBM. He’s collected his laptop (in the most inconvenient way possible), he’s told me he hates me. And me, I’m just here wondering what the fuck is wrong with my mental capacity. It’s a bit more complicated than that, yes, but me sef, I’m still tryna figure out what I was thinking going into a relationship with someone two weeks after talking to the person.
Maybe I just don’t know what I want. Maybe I’m mounting too much pressure on myself to find someone to love and cherish. I’m just 21. I’m supposed to be developing myself and making myself look good for my own benefit, not chasing around boyfriends like a Taylor-Swift wannabe. The issue is that I’m also someone who revels in the familiar scent of his lover, and cuddling with the person who is special to him, and stuff like that. That’s what tends to do me to the point of deciding to get another bf. I’d get lonely and think, “Yup, I’m ready for another one”. Damn. Bad habit.
Someone told me that I love the initial feeling of being in love. Lol. I think the person is right. It can be explained physiologically after all, since dopamine and oxytocin, which are feel-good hormones, are released a lot during this phase. So maybe I’m addicted to that. Maybe I subconsciously crave that feeling.
But I have had relationships that lasted more than a year (I know that’s not a lot to some people) and even though I didn’t feel up to it sometimes, I still ploughed ahead and tried to make things work. Hmmm…
This is sounding more like a means to help myself understand myself… I tend to write stuff like this down when I’m conflicted inside. Sort of helps separate everything into boxes where I can pick up the different objects of my emotions and examine them thoroughly and try to be as honest with myself as possible.
And to be honest, this dating thing sef is a real difficult something. If you keep it open, it could weaken the relationship; if it’s closed, it could also weaken it. So does a person do an open or closed relationship? What if one wants it open and the other closed… Blah-blah-blah, yada-yada-yada… All of this in my head. Thank goodness for school work; I don’t love it, but it allows me to think of something more substantial, like why it’s not advisable to give a hypertensive patient a beta receptor agonist. Lol.
At least I know my course of action for now is to understand myself a bit better. I think I lost me along the road to becoming 21. When I find me, I’m pretty sure the rest of what I should do will become clearer.
One more thing… While we were dating I usually noticed the goodies I wasn’t allowed to touch, cakes and sausages I wasn’t allowed to eat. But after I broke up, I almost have to remind myself that I was thirsting after some particular people. Maybe the feeling of being caged contributed to me deciding to end things? Hmmm. I need serious therapy. I should sign up for that KD support group thingy.
Written by James