JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 26)

Blog_KD JournalJanuary 1

I’ve always had a hunch

That putting sentences

On different lines

When they could have all been on the same line

Turns a rather bland sentence

Into poetry

Lol. I know it’s not as easy as that, but look at what I just did. Isn’t it biuriful! I think that’s what Vhar basically does… *strokes beard in thought*

I’m writing exams. Yay! (Please, note my heavy sarcasm) This exam is however much more lenient than my previous ones. We have at least 24 hours before each paper, which is enough time for me to go through my notes and work on past questions with times for 10-minute power naps in between.

My life has been relatively dry… Not that dry though. At the risk of getting a lot of sneers and jeers from people, I will state that my boyfriend and I have broken up. Why? Because I am a stupid dunderhead, that’s why. Erm… chizzie, your opinion that if the two people have work to do and a place to shag, it will keep the relationship going didn’t work in this case. Just thought you should know.

Now for real, why the break-up? It’s a bit complicated, but simply put, I was incapable of loving him the way he loved me and wanted me to love him. That might have been fine and all, but the way he behaved made me think I made him unhappy, and I wasn’t feeling good about the relationship. I mean, what’s the point of a relationship if you’re often anxious you’ve said something or done something wrong? And instead of him to be out with it, he would sulk and pout and give me one-word answers. Then I was getting close to exams and sort of realised the emotional issues might cause some wahala in my studying. So I asked if we could take a break. Sha-sha-sha, I broke up with him the next day. He deleted me from BBM. He’s collected his laptop (in the most inconvenient way possible), he’s told me he hates me. And me, I’m just here wondering what the fuck is wrong with my mental capacity. It’s a bit more complicated than that, yes, but me sef, I’m still tryna figure out what I was thinking going into a relationship with someone two weeks after talking to the person.

Maybe I just don’t know what I want. Maybe I’m mounting too much pressure on myself to find someone to love and cherish. I’m just 21. I’m supposed to be developing myself and making myself look good for my own benefit, not chasing around boyfriends like a Taylor-Swift wannabe. The issue is that I’m also someone who revels in the familiar scent of his lover, and cuddling with the person who is special to him, and stuff like that. That’s what tends to do me to the point of deciding to get another bf. I’d get lonely and think, “Yup, I’m ready for another one”. Damn. Bad habit.

Someone told me that I love the initial feeling of being in love. Lol. I think the person is right. It can be explained physiologically after all, since dopamine and oxytocin, which are feel-good hormones, are released a lot during this phase. So maybe I’m addicted to that. Maybe I subconsciously crave that feeling.

But I have had relationships that lasted more than a year (I know that’s not a lot to some people) and even though I didn’t feel up to it sometimes, I still ploughed ahead and tried to make things work. Hmmm…

This is sounding more like a means to help myself understand myself… I tend to write stuff like this down when I’m conflicted inside. Sort of helps separate everything into boxes where I can pick up the different objects of my emotions and examine them thoroughly and try to be as honest with myself as possible.

And to be honest, this dating thing sef is a real difficult something. If you keep it open, it could weaken the relationship; if it’s closed, it could also weaken it. So does a person do an open or closed relationship? What if one wants it open and the other closed… Blah-blah-blah, yada-yada-yada… All of this in my head. Thank goodness for school work; I don’t love it, but it allows me to think of something more substantial, like why it’s not advisable to give a hypertensive patient a beta receptor agonist. Lol.

At least I know my course of action for now is to understand myself a bit better. I think I lost me along the road to becoming 21. When I find me, I’m pretty sure the rest of what I should do will become clearer.

One more thing… While we were dating I usually noticed the goodies I wasn’t allowed to touch, cakes and sausages I wasn’t allowed to eat. But after I broke up, I almost have to remind myself that I was thirsting after some particular people. Maybe the feeling of being caged contributed to me deciding to end things? Hmmm. I need serious therapy. I should sign up for that KD support group thingy.

Written by James

 

43 thoughts on “JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 26)

  1. Relationships are hard. First few weeks are always the best.. After then, it dies a slow death depending on the resilience of both parties.. And why does that happen?.

    We don’t really fall in love before we jump into it. That’s why. Love never dies, lust does. Love does not die, but it can transform from one form to another eg:hate..

    Human beings are naturally predisposed to say “YES” to any request or proposal. That’s why it’s hard to say NO when someone you don’t really like decides they wanna date you.. Something inside you just don’t wanna disappoint the . And that’s also the reason people cheat.

    My 2cents advice- wait for a while before engaging in another relationship.. Could take a yr, or more, and while at it, do some soul searching, cos you’ve been in too many relationships for a 21yr old..

  2. …Or maybe you r just too young to have the discipline that comes with loving someone SELFLESSLY! Ha!

    Common James you’re just 21…give yourself some GROWTH and find out more about the human nature. One thing Ave learnt over the years is that if you don’t loose yourself to your other party…notice I didn’t say to oblivion but to someone else you will never give in to the relationship. There will definitely be the not too smooth times and then what do u do then….cower and give up?….thats immaturity!

    Anyway I also don’t know the age grade of your partner but he also sounds too young in age too. So what does that result in…Exactly! You gat that right! Anyway if my memory serves me well you envisaged this and expected it so what am I saying sef!

  3. 21 & you have had multiple relationships. I’m not trying to judge or act like a poke nosing elder bro but that’s not what you need right now.

  4. Hmmn! James, r u sure we dont have a mutual ex? Trying not to do or say something wrong all d time, nd d monosyllabic answers kills me always! Some guys can like to act like Queen Eliza shaa.

    Although the feeling of being in love @ first is great, going into a relationship after 2wks is just too brief.

    By the way, that Shade u threw @ Vhar, we all saw it oh! Wait till shifu Chestnut comes in nd put u in ur place.

  5. By the way, that ur ex bobo can like to b childish oh! Ah ah! Collected d laptop he gave u too? How old is he again biko?

  6. One word responses can piss me off. Its such a conversation killer. If after i type all that story and and you respond with, really, yes, no, fine, or the worst…okay, I will just quietly disengage, because you are obviously an investment with no return.

  7. James. JustJames. I saw what you did o. You want me to go into my Voltron mode ekwa?! See what you’ve made me do. I now have my comment in essay format. Ok. Ok. Ok.

    Lemme go back to read the article. I just had to comment first.

  8. James, d person that implied that u’re just in love with the “idea” of love,might be right. And that’s understandable, but u might end up leaving a trail of bitter,broken hearts behind u. I suggest u lay all the cards on the table whenever u meet someone new; tell them u’d like to be with them for while,before putting a label on the union. Ask them to be patient with u about the whole labelling thing, so u can be sure of before commiting urself. That way,u leave a door open,in case u decide after a few weeks or months,that u don’t wanna be with them afterall.
    For now,just face ur studies. You’re still very young; no one expects u to find ur life-long soulmate at 21, so take some of that pressure off yourself. I don’t think anyone above 25 here,is with the same person they dated when they were 21.

  9. You do know when I meant “working”…I meant as in proper employment? Being a student doesn’t classify as employment, and you just illustrated once again what happens when two students/ children date, they fall off in the most amateur of manners. And I’m flattered yet again that a comment I made close to a year ago was of such profound influence in ur life that you not only remembered it but attempted putting it into practice. The effect of my comments as proven yet again continue to remain far reaching.

    Meanwhile the bit about Vhar was extremely witty. Keep it up. !

  10. Dear Max pls help a brother here, how do u say no to a gay guy without crushing them? Cos I can be a bit of a yes man (mind u, its usually the ones “I like”. Scrath that, I ve to like u to even be communicating with u sef). Cos I feel like I’m breaking someones heart/spirit by being rigid over some issues or just tossing out “Nos”.

  11. James, you may have it all right, but maybe not by tomorrow. You may just realise how much you miss him after five-seven months…and that’s love!
    I had another relationship which was going fine…at least not in the least an obsssession. Every day together seemed to be like that of a new relationship. I got tired of him atimes though…when we got nasty, rude and silly. I cherish my rights and so, silly as he was, our conversations led to more time apart, sulking… I really don’t take sh*t because of love!!
    I decided it wasn’t working well….called it quit. The circumstances make me feel calling his phone would be remembering him, or reminding him about me- which could spell hurt! It also makes me feel not calling would be, nursing hatred for him… The time apart wasn’t worth it, I realised that behind the sassy mask, I loved the soul…
    Story short, most of the time we realise just how much love we had when we let it go. But then the person may just not be the right choice @all…

  12. Aww James **plants a big kiss on your forehead and ruffles your hair*** @21, you’re just at the start of your awesomeness … you’ve barely left your teens … in my opinion, you’re a lil too young to be entering into serious relationships @this point you barely know yourself and therefore probably do not fully understand how to give yourself to another add to all this the dynamics of gay dating in such a homophobic climate and it’s crystal clear why your relationships totter and crash … undergraduate study is intense and requires all your focus and presence of mind, you frankly cannot afford the distraction and divided attention that a serious relationship brings … this is the time to **cough** sow your wild oats, explore your wild and flirty/slutty side (within reasonable limits of course) and finally focus a lot more on moulding your enormous creative potential – yes!
    **scuttles off with shoes in hand b4 attacks about flirty/slutty side rain down****

    • I get your point, Khaleesi.
      However, it’s dangerous to reduce sexual pleasure to the pleasure of fucking new people, and sowing oats does that, especially in people who don’t know themselves/are not introspective

  13. And why you don’t give an alpha 1 agonist to a hypertensive yea?…
    Nice write up but about the sowing, please keep ur circle of pals tight. It helps ur reputation

  14. See this one. “The effect of my comments as proven yet again continue to remain far reaching.”
    Too bad shoprite doesn’t sell life, i’d have said you should rush to the one nearest to you to grab one.

  15. I’m 21, graduate and working already. In a 1yr plus relationship. I think u are pretty old enough to define ur self. Just be careful how you ditch people so u don’t end up been the bad person.

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