Let’s Discuss…About Private Demons

Blog_Let's DiscussBefore I opened the blog, Kito Diaries, I had to convince myself that it was the right thing to do. And one of the avenues I used for that reassurance was by seeking the opinion of a small number of my friends. When I tabled the issue before them, separately, they were split into three camps: those who encouraged me exuberantly to do it, those who weren’t sure whether I should do it, and those who were absolutely against the idea. The last category was made up the fewest number, and their reasons for their disapproval ranged from a variety of reasons including the protection of identity, the absurdity of the idea given the gay clime of the country, and the fact that I could be breaking a law. When I pointed out that Nigerian gay men could use this avenue to express themselves, one sarcastically pointed out that if any guys wanted to express himself on a gay blog, he could go do so on Paris Hilton’s. (That friend is now expressing himself on Kito Diaries, lol. Sorry, buddy, I couldn’t resist)

Among the friends who were averse to the idea of KD is one who is particularly close to me. (Let’s call him Kelvin) After I went ahead and opened KD, everyone in that category eventually came around to loving it; everyone that is, except Kelvin. He stuck to his obstinacy that KD is a bad idea, and rebuffed my efforts to convince him otherwise. When I sent links of KD updates to him, he expressly told me to stop. When I brought it up in conversations, he shut the topic down. It bothered me because I was starting to wonder if his professed concern for me endangering myself because of KD was all there was to his obstinacy. I’d told him how much the blog had grown to be a part of my life, and I felt that the least he owed me as a friend was listen to me about it.

And then, the sad eventuality began to happen. We began to drift apart and began to have less and less to talk about, less and less reason to communicate with each other. I was resentful. He couldn’t care less. He was busy. I was busy. And the hustle and bustle of Lagos living drove the wrench deeper between us.

One day however, during the house party of a mutual friend, a get-together which we both attended, in a last ditch effort to make amends with Kelvin, I drew him aside and got real with him. I brought up the issue of KD again, and told him I wanted to know the real reason for his aversion to it. I wasn’t going to buy any banalities about me being at risk of fourteen years imprisonment.

And after a deep sigh, his first words to me were: ‘If I say yes to your blog’ – (he never says its name) – ‘it’d be like I have put the stamp of approval on who I am. Because, frankly, I’m not sure that I love the fact that I am gay.’

To say I was astounded by this frank admission would be an understatement. I had not seen that coming. I mean, Kelvin is self possessed, jovial, a happy soul, although sometimes tortured from his writings, and just generally the least person you’d expect to be conflicted over his sexuality. In all the years of our friendship, I’d never heard him utter any words to reveal a propensity for internalized homophobia or self disgust. He’s had active love lives that I know of, relationships he felt comfortable talking to me about, and had no problem with hitting on me the first time we met.

I had no idea that underneath all the keen exterior lurked someone who had not accepted himself, who worried about disappointing his family, who hadn’t reconciled the conflict between his Christian faith and his sexual orientation, who was tortured over the prospect of marriage, who flinched each time his father accused him of not living up to his full responsibility as the first son, who would most likely give anything to trade his sexuality for society’s idea of normalcy.

All the evils that I have put to death in my life a long time ago, that I’m actively vanquishing through my interactions on Kito Diaries. I have to admit that I have become so content with my life and sexuality, that I no longer quite understand these conflicts, these private demons, or why any young gay man or woman as grown as I am would let them wound him or her.

Kelvin can sometimes be invulnerable, but after he unburdened the much he could to me, I realized that I didn’t really know him. And I felt bad for it. And I wanted to help. But Kelvin didn’t want to hear any of it. He didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. It seemed like he wanted to continue fighting his private demons alone and without any intrusion or assistance. And at first, I was understanding, then I quickly became impatient with him. And as I watched dismally as we grew even further apart because of the different places we are in our private lives, I wondered:

Why didn’t he want to be helped?

How do you help someone who doesn’t want your help?

139 thoughts on “Let’s Discuss…About Private Demons

    • So much has been said, Sensei has hit the nail on the head … i truly have nothing to say other than one word : internalized homophobia. Remember a while back when i commented that homophobia is deeply engraved in Nigerians DNA? Well, here it is, it always pops out at the most unexpected of places, at the oddest of times and from persons whom you might least expect it. Yup … Pinky, in my opinion, this is a battle you can’t hope to win – drop it and let it go, accept that life happens to us all and we react in different ways. Let the friendship take its destined course. If you persist, you run the risk of getting caught up in his struggles with his private demons …step away and let him deal with them at his own pace …

  1. At the end of the day it is their narrative! You cannot force it on them!

    I have a pastor who is my friend, we went to university together and he knows and we are still cool. Sometimes though he tries to get me to church and I always decline. Yesterday I jokingly told him he would officiate at my wedding to a man and while we were talking he said that he preferred the old me who was still fighting my sexuality who was still confused about who I was. That this new me has accepted my sexuality and found closure and confidence and that he doesn’t like it. That it scares him the road I am on.

    I just told him that naive, conflicted, insecure dennis seeking validation in people and god is dead and never ever coming back again.

    Growing into your own in amazing as a gay man, but there will always be people who will never accept themselves! We can’t force them!

    Shebi someone on this blog called it “a side habit that shouldn’t be the centre of your life”? Need I say more?

    • I know right!!!!!……by the way I saw what u did der DM….for some people asking for help is a sign of vulnerability, and vulnerability is equated with weakness, which is unacceptable……. Trust me I’d know.

    • Dennis … You Didnt have to seek validation from God, He had, he stills and would always Love You………………..

  2. we really can’t force anybody to accept themselves…there’s only little to what one can do as a friend, i’ve got a buddy who won’t see himself happy as a queer,tried all i could to make him see reasons that this is what he is, well i think he’s comin’ to terms with his sexuality…at least for now he doesn’t beat himself down at it anymore,we stopped arguin’ abt d whole sexuality ish….just be patient with dat friend is wat my advice’d b, it’s fuckin’ wat we r, we cant change it neither can we control. i’m sure he’ll come around again soon.

  3. It’s his life & he may not accept who he’s. Pinky,i will advice you let him discover & follow the path that will make him happy

  4. I’m slowly coming to terms with my sexuality and acceptingg myself, but there ve been times where I ve caught myself drifting away, and simply asked myself how would my dad (the devil himself) take it if he ever finds out? How will ppl in my immediate community handle the news? I ve told myself “if only I can be a little less gay” (which makes no sense).

    The truth is we don’t exist in isolation and the society we exist in will always ve an influence in the way we live our lives, maybe not as a whole, but if we all want to be truly honest with ourself (particularly those who ve been totally accepting of who they are) you will discover that there ve been instances where you had put down urself proclaimed believes and shape certain decisions to fit into societal norms.

    I can totally relate with the kelvin guy.

    A wholesome understanding of sexuality has eluded us, so judging hashly or using “No be by force” is helping no one. I would thread lightly and be a lil more understand when addressing issues like this.
    Pinky if u ask me I will say understanding and time is all u can give. If a friend claim/feels he doesn’t want to kick with you no more based on the above, I would be patient, understanding and give him all the time and space he needs. They always say time heals all things. Its a matter of time before he realises that his battles are file under the lose to win section.
    The best lessons we learn is the one we learn ourselves, and not what someone else taught us. He needs time to sort himself. He may find some deluding answers to help him cope better on none at all, but its his life and he deserves that much.

    • @Peak I love your comment. I think most people are more worried about what people will say. Especially their family.
      The problem is that most people are scared of their family. Especially the father.. That’s why it’s easier for whites to come out to family, because they never got flogged by them.. So they aren’t that scared of airing their views/minds. Its all psychology

    • Peak you’re on point. I once had a friend like that when I was in school. In fact he walked out on me after he came while we were having sex saying he was trying to turn straight and here I am trying to make him gay again forgetting he was the one that insisted he wanted to paid me a visit.
      I tried all I could to reach out to him at least to apologise since I’m the devil here but he wouldn’t even pick my calls or reply my msgs. I just ignored him afterwards. I was surprised to see him on my convoc day acting as if nothing happened and literally begging me for another hook up.
      I have another incident of one that sent me a msg never to call him again after we had sex…lol. Now we’re best of pals.
      My other good friend will always tell me he wanna turn straight no more gay stuff for him but he will come back again telling me of his new found prince charming.
      I guess some of us like to live in denial at some point in our lives probably due to incidents around us…the best we can do for such individuals is to show them love cos I believe love conquers all. With time, they’ll realise that you’re not the demon neither KD is the demon they should be fighting.

  5. We all have to admit, we were at one time at that stage (hell, some people still refer to their sexuality as a bad habit like eating the icky stuff from your nose or smoking, which they hope to drop with time. Goodluck on that one fellas!).
    When you consider all the challenges of being a gay man in a country reeking with unfiltered hate, you would feel self hate and ask yourself questions and that is where we are all different. Some find the answers to the questions of their life, some don’t, some even deny there is no question in the first place. So whatever the case maybe, the best you can do for anyone is extend a hand of concern and if they reject, two hands are always better for wanking.

  6. Short answer, you don’t.
    I have low tolerance for BS, no matter who you are. Everyone went through the same tough time, the difference is that some dealt with it alone and defeated it and others simply let it drown them.
    Same thing made me jilt a lover earlier last year( still gonna write a story about it this year) , he was just too pessimistic for my liking. Internalized homophobia was there, he had a duty and an image to uphold in church too, I just couldn’t deal. Had to let him go for my own peace.
    I argue with my friends almost everyday ( especially the ones blinded by religious piety) over the issue. They just don’t like themselves much. They read this blog on a daily basis but don’t comment ( they’re that scared). They keep talking about “stopping it”. About limiting how you interact with boys so you can stop when you need to. I just feel disgusted whenever I hear that. And frankly they still think homosexuality isn’t natural. That alone makes me believe Nigeria ain’t gonna move forward anytime soon ( in terms of upholding LGBT rights). Because we ourselves don’t even like ourselves much.

    If someone doesn’t want your help, leave them. Help is expensive, use it on someone who needs it, will appreciate it..

    • Max all of my friends read this blog religiously! They don’t comment for the same reasons! They will beat me for this comment!

      I can totally relate!

    • Max dear, ur comment got me feeling some typa way right now. We speak of tolerance all the time, but we can barely stand one another or stand by each other in the face of confusion regarding our sexuality.
      We take the issues of self hate for granted in this side of the globe. We have seen how ppl butcher themselves and end up look like freaks of nature all cos of self hate, and In their quest to fit into what society (again) defines as beautiful. We have seen/heard of the extreme some ppl ve gone just to look hip and fit into the incrowd or perceived as being “cool” We as gay men habour the highest level of self hate. I would expect some of us who ve/are going through the same struggle to be more tolerant.
      If someone is having issues like the best u could do is give them time and space. Occassionally checking in to offer words of encouragement wouldn’t kill anyone.
      What I can’t put up with is if someone sees being gay as a curse, side habit (that they hope to drop) a disease (and I ve the exposure KD has give me to thank 4 that). anything outside the above is worth my time and being patience 4 (and that’s coming from an impatient prick)
      So let’s be kind! Self hate is a serious disease and the road to recover can be very very stormy and needs tons and tons of bazillion-undiluted love to help some of “US” pull through and accept themselves. All this “na them sabi” themed comments is only making matter worse

    • @chuck I “coming around” to accept my attraction to men as a natural Phenomenon, not as some birth defect, a mental illness and I ve KD to thank 4 that. Now, will u encourage a reformed addict to hang around abusive substances? I’m trying to creat my own truth, and ppl like that will soil it.
      The 1st step towards recovery is admitting u ve a problem, curse,disease etc. The next step is getting help. U can’t tell me you want to change and u ve a wrap sheet that will make superhead green with envy.
      Get help, leave the dating sites, stay away from hitting the sack with evey clueless/available guy when u are “in the mood, stay away from everything to allow u room to sort out ur feelings. I stopped taking ppl like that seriously cos they are liars and are leaving a trail of broken hearted boys/men on there journey to lie ville. These broken hearted men/boys in turn develop low self esteem issues cos they always felt used and starting a chain of self hate and God knows what else. So NO! I don’t ve tolerance 4 those kind of ppl. Yes they are struggling with their sexuality, but its a different type of struggle.

    • Lol…. @ Lord, oga its nothing personal, just putting out me View on the subject matter out there. The difference between the struggle is U seeing it as a problem that needs to go away, but not taking any life changing step to free urself. My struggle is me seeing it as “Part of who I am ” as being and trying to live with it in a climate that has zero tolerance 4 it.
      Its not about who is better than the other if u think is a problem, get help! Simple

  7. Even if he seems to think he doesn’t need your help, don’t give up on him. At least, now you’ve know the real reason for his aversion to KitoDiaries.

    My advice is, never bring up the issue of KD with him again. You guys had a friendship going on before the KD idea came up. Strive to take ur friendship back to that level.

    As you had this frank talk with him about KD, also call him and have a frank talk with him about the deterioration of your friendship. He is just insecure. Let him understand that you’re still his friend, whether he is comfortable being gay or not. Let him understand that you value his friendship more than anything. Let him understand that even if he decides to stop being gay tomorrow, that you’ll still be his friend. Let him understand that KD will not come between you and him.

    He doesn’t need you to help him be comfortable with his sexuality. He will get to that point by himself. All he needs is for you to be a friend that will stand by him, no matter what he decides to do with his sexuality.

    I hope I’ve answered you.

    • Well, as usual I think I have a different opinion on why your”friend” is acting the way he does. Here was someone who was @ home with his sexuality b4 KD saying that his endorsement of KD is endorsing his sexuality. I’m down with stress induced fever so might not talk much. Pinky, your friend is jealous that you instead of him was the one to come up with the novel idea of KD.Its as simple as that. I don’t subscribe to the idea of you reaching out to him. Relate with him the way he presents himself. The reason he gave you about KD is a lame excuse.its common with gays.They toe that part whenever the need arises

  8. The best you can do is remain his friend. If need be, do not talk of KD or sexuality to him. Let him know that he is important to you, demon-fighting or not, blog-reading or not. I know of couple of guys like this. Damn, sometimes I’m not flattered by the fact that men generally TEND to be assholes and that I am attracted to them–so that’s one way I feel being gay isn’t that great, if only I could help it (by punching the assholes of course). So, just be his friend. That’s all that matters. It is what it is.

    • Men are assholes because Nigeria is patriarchal and they get away with it. Same way rich people/ famous people in other countries are assholes – they can get away with it. It’s not about being gay, it’s about the particular men you’re mixing with.

  9. Some of us seem to quickly forget that this was a friend first before all else. A friend he then ran into at a party, not a gay party but a party filled with lot of diverse people. This shows that your paths would seem to cross at certain times, this shows you still got mutual friends, this shows that he is still a friend above all else. Do you then cut the friendship string because he does not visit your blog? Because he has not come to terms with who he is? In this harsh climate for any gay man, is cutting the string really the better option?
    Pinky, you know where I stand on friendship and accepting ones life choices so you know what my answer would be.
    You don’t give up, you never give up. A friend who is tortured is not happy. So what if he has not come to terms with who he is, most people might never will but that was never the basis of the friendship in the first place so why break off a good thing.
    We don’t get to put our friends in little boxes we’ve carved out in our minds. If they don’t fit then we throw them out? We put our friends in the large space of our minds and let them carve their niche. Some would be gay, proud, no nonsense risk takers while some might be timid, scared and not accepting of who they are. You’ve got to learn to be friends to all these types of people and not cut off those who don’t fit in your little black box.

    • Ofcourse colossus if you had said differently I would have been surprised!

      I don’t like to admit this, but in some wierd twisted way you are right…..somewhat!

      ***sets up camp waiting for Gad and Lord to show up***

      • Sets up camp? You seem to always lump me up with gad and Lord. Like we are some sort of righteous three musketeers.
        Have you forgotten all the vodka we shared? Did you also share it with them? Isn’t that our thing? Why Dennis? Why hurt me so?

      • Oh I have read it and maybe I did come off as misunderstood with my comment. Bad morning!
        The bottom line I was trying to get at is for Pinky to hang in there. I have a friend who hung in there for me, was patient and to him I’ll eternally be grateful. I believe in paying it forward and so far I’ve made good friends along the way. That’s what I’m begging pinky to do, to be patient, to be his friend above all else. I know that does not sit with your no nonsense ideology so we might differ on this one.

      • I called him just now, Colossus. I told him I wanted us to reconnect and that I will remain his friend, no matter our differences.
        Your comments…all y’all…have been really helpful. Up until I updated this, I’d always been seeing it all thru my eyes. The comments here helped me see the situation thru his. And I have reconciled myself to the fact that lots of patience is required.

        I’m getting my friend back. 🙂

    • Colossus! Guy ur comment is spot on, the same way the post is clear as day. They were friends b4 now. Just cos someone doesn’t agree with u over an issue/dream doesn’t mean they auto stop being ur friend. I think the word “Friend” is loosely used these days.

  10. Sexuality is only another subject of life…and we are bound, at some points, to be confused on how to channel our energies.
    I’d give him a LOT of patience, and just be his friend still. That’s about all I would ask for. If he doesn’t want KD, don’t serve him anymore. Everything comes around in time.

  11. Self loathing is a terrible and dangerous thing. It can lead to many things including depression, substance abuse and even attempts at suicide. Pinky shouldn’t give up on his friend… you don’t necessarily try to bridge the gap being created but let him know that no matter what you’re there for him. Hopefully if he sees how happy you are after accepting that you’re gay and fabulous he will come around. Also don’t try to ram your opinion forcefully down his throat *ahem* that’s one of the fastest ways to push people away.

    Btw, this is actually James.

  12. Such people will always come back or get to the point that there’s nothing they can do about who they are. Most of us have been there before. Like some commented, just don’t this come between the precious friendship you’ve had with him.
    Meanwhile, I admire a lot most of the comments I read on KD. They are so intelligent and inspiring. Sometimes I wonder what it will look like having everybody here physically in a conference room. Daalunu

    • I volunteer to b absent from dat conference bcos if everybody comes, who would bring food for u guys in jail?
      Haven’t u heard abt d bill being against such gatherings?
      ….Bt seriously it would b ticking sometin on my bucketlist to hv such a gathering.

  13. Hmmn! I think it is better for one to come to terms about who they r themselves no matter how long than being convinced. Personal conviction is actually d best although it ain’t easy! Let him be but don’t leave him alone. Keep urself in his life as a friend nd keep ur blog out of it. He will either come around or turn straight cos those r d only 2 options available to him. Don’t push it nd b patient with him. Even d so called ppl that claim to have come to terms with whom they r still have lil doubts.

  14. I actualy sat n asked myself yestday- I’m like So u hv finally come to terms with who U r?
    D little negating voices n reasonings popped up bt den I silenced dem saying there’s less enthropy in my life @ d moment.Isn’t that something to cherish n hold on to?
    The point is TIME-he needs a lot of it.
    And there’s no time he’d perfectly be in agreement with his inner demons bt there’d b a time realisation and acceptance of reality wuld constantly win d argument in his head.
    Till dt time,all we do hv to do is wait.
    Its like developmental milestones in d life of a child, tho there are certain age brackets asigned to some developmnts, we have dose dat r precocious n d late ones and some r normal. Nt everybody cn accept n b in tune with reality @ a particular time there r d early bloomers and late birds.

  15. Seeing that you have already seen it from HIS own side of the divide and NOT JUST YOUR OWN by calling him and getting your friend back….eh it makes life easier and friendship better shay??

    My take on this is always give room to step in the other person’s shoes….I have interviewed a fuck bud of mine some years ago after about 1 year of being FWB and he CONFESSED to me that he prefers GALS and that he would rather do a girl than a boy….IF HE HAD HIS WAY!!!

    All am saying is you never know the wars people are going thru as a result of their sexuality and not all have and WILL EVER accept it. KD commenters get this into your fine lovely HEADS biko!!!! Just because it looks good here that we can feel free to BE here doesn’t mean it’s the same on the outside REAL world!

    Pinky this guy is truly your friend for him to have opened up that very deep side of him to you thank God you haven’t lost him. He is being real not just to himself BUT TO YOU!!! Now if that doesn’t speak volumes to you about his sincerity I wonder what else will!

    Colossus put it very maturedly when he spoke of patience and NOT GIVING up on him like some others who may have forgotten that THEY STRUGGLED at the UNNATURAL part of being gay! Ofcoz it’s unnatural coz even nature has MALE and FEMALE…so go figure…..(Oh God please my aim was not to make any enemies this morning ooo pls)

    If we are true to ourselves and am also talking to myself here too…I still want the answer to the question, ‘WHY AM I GAY???’ Listen I just want to be as real as possible please even if it means me ranting here…..WHY DO I LIKE MEN instead of WOMEN????? why CAN’T I JUST BE AS “normal’ as the next str8t guy? Why why why.

    Now am aware some of us have come to terms with that question and you have put to death those demons hallelujah…however some of us DONT HAVE THAT LIBERTY YET!!!… I wouldn’t try and cover up to you guys here that I HAVE…no I have not!!!!

    But LOVE speaks to me and I speak back thank God!!! It is said if one has all the Faith in this world and has not love he is NOTHING. Oh NO I don’t wanna be nothing….I am SOMEBODY! So I’ll continue to listen and also speak here so maybe someone someday would SHOW me without a shadow of doubt WHY!. Am sure your DEAR friend is where am at too…..Dennis I think I would need something stronger than tea now thank u!

    • *epic facepalm* Now I see why Dennis lumps us in the same category. Somehow you agreed with me but kinda implied WE are saying the feeling is unnatural? I don’t agree with that assessment, never have and never will.

      • Yeah fine and I get all that…but truly no one as yet has answered the question and yes I get it it’s not about me but if one can be honest ANSWER THE QUESTION pls….WHY ARE YOU GAY?????

        Dennis anything stronger than tea?? I ask again ooo!

      • Are you seeking for the reason for your existence? Does the straight man ask why he is straight? Oh wait, I’m late to this party, this argument has been had with you before. Have a good day Lord.

      • I don’t get how obtuse that Lord guy can be. Jeez! Deola is right. You make a new year resolution to be kinder on KD and then someone goes and says something incredibly stupid.

    • Its a new year @King, but this isn’t about you. We all know you still think you’re not normal, but I’m gonna save my venom for another day.

      • Why keep the venom..spit it out or it will explode inside your brain and oh no we don’t want that now do we Max?

    • There are two ppl’s comments on this blog that I never finish reading, one is Lord’s cause they are self contradictory and hardly ever convey anything and the other is Gad’s cause they are teeming with so much lexical errors I develop a headache mid-way . And thats often the case with overly religious people,they use religious to make up for the fact that they are inarticulate and unexposed.

      Lord is a perfect example is this case.

      • Like I said…oh God I don’t wanna make any enemies this fine harmattan morning…..pls don’t bicker on my account oooo! I may never make sense to that ‘mind’ of yours…

      • Chizzie ooo! It is just day 3 into the new year and the resolution to be “less venomous” is out the window. Lol!

      • No wonder. Its now clear how wise you are. I met a man who interrupts people midway into their speech claiming he already knows what you want to say and I tell you,I haven’t seen anyone more foolish than him in my entire life.

    • ‘like some others who may have forgotten that THEY STRUGGLED at the UNNATURAL part of being gay! Ofcoz it’s unnatural coz even nature has MALE and FEMALE…so go figure…..’.

      I swear I cant with this guy. Why are you here then??? Its one thing to be religious its another to an ignorant hypocrite. You are so hypocritical that you are so ignorant of your hypocrisy.

      Fuck!!! Its things like this that make niggas to forget new year resolutions to be more patient with nonsense. Mtchew.

      • Dear Deola I also have been asking myself that same question….WHY AM I HERE???? is this a mistake but please don’t make this about me biko let’s not fight this early in the year.

        You see I can understand that nobody can truly answer the question that just begs (over begs sef) to be answered…

        Can I say something too….i am also asking this for the benefit of the silent readers and am sure some still want this answered.

      • Lord Gideon, you are gay because human beings develop sexual attraction towards one or both genders. It’s random occurrence. Live with it

    • @Lord, i should release a storm of fire@ u, but i wont – its still a holiday period and am basking in the glow of a fun-filled festive period. Being gay is unnatural/abnormal, but so is being left-handed (like i am), twin/triplet/quadruplet births, blue eyes, light skin in sub-saharan negroes (like i am again), there’s so much abnormality in nature cos nature isnt/wasnt/will never be perfect … go figure!! And yes I’ve often wondered, why am i gay just as I’ve wondered about dozens of other things …

  16. You leave them to thier own demise, thats how you help them. Frankly I do not have that much patience with ppl and I hardly ever get mushy with my friends… I play my part by giving you advice and if its not adhered to then you can beat yourself over it for as long i care, save to say I’ll be there to read out the eulogy when the inevitable happens.

    In your friend’s case…I dont just see it as an issue of ‘internalized homophobia” as Khaleeshi has rightly coined.. I also detect a bit of jealousy and envy perhaps?

    People that are often too afraid to truly express themselves become jealous and envious when they see others doing so successfully. I bet if your blog wasn’t a success Kelvin would have been the first to offer a crying shoulder while snickering a muffled “I told you so” out of ear’s shot.

    There are some friends you do not share your dreams with cause they will always kill it even before it takes flight. They always have something logical to say on why it would not succeed, these are ppl that are afraid to dream big because of their own shortcomings. it always pays to have atlest one best friend who genuinely believes in you regardless of how rubbish your dreams sound.

    its 2015- Good riddance to friends like Kelvin biko!

    • Chizzie I happen to know d “KElvin”
      He isn’t anytin close to wat u describe.he is too cheerful to hate and b jealous .
      U may have had ur life settled and chosen a path already,bt dude its not easy for odas .
      Let’s learn to apppreciate d fact dt life can b a spectrum and dt its a fair world if we c evryone who isn’t on our own side of d divide as humans too and nt aliens.

      • You can’t read ppl’s minds or accurately guess what they are thinking or thier true intentions. Just cause someone is all smiles doesn’t mean that thier insides are just as cheeful. As PP pointed out, he was astonished to hear that his friend has issues with his sexuality, or so he claims.

        Some ppl are really good at hiding how they really feel

      • Chizzie, yes we can’t always read people’s minds. But based on relationship over years, and knowledge of a person’s past behaviour, a close friend can make an accurate guess about what the person in question is capable of. This is what it means to “know” somebody. The closer you are, the more you “know” a person. I’m sure you have friends you KNOW and therefore can predict their behaviour. Paul should not throw away all what he knows about Kelvin and then go ahead to assume the worst about him. People want someone to know them enough, and trust them enough, to know what they can do or not do. This is a vital quality of true friendship. And its widely accepted in disciplines that are involved with human behavior, that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behavior. This is why people expect chizzie to comment like chizzie. And darling, how often do you disappoint them? Lool

    • Hmmm, this is heart warming knowing that someone can be real and dare to differ in a blog like this where the thinking is one sided because no one has the courage to be seen as not following the trend. Its so clear and easy to deduce that Kelvin is filled with foolish jealousy and envy and yet none seems to see it or are too lazy to use their brains. Its just like seeking a friends opinion/advice on a biz venture you are about to under take and he told you what risks you might suffer and you still went ahead with your plans then he stops talking to you. What do we call that?

  17. Meanwhile FKA Chizzie and Chizzie are the same ppl, my browser auto fills to FKA Chizzie when I’m about posting a comment. Its so frustrating!

  18. I forgot to ask @Pinky, is he cute?? Bcos I’m curious to know why you wanna be his saviour from self loathing.
    Even though I’ve profiled you as someone who doesn’t give up on people (which can be good or bad), you seem to be inclined towards him.. Why?

      • Maybe u should take another look at the topic of dis post once more “Private Demons”..

        Again “Private”. There’s only so much you can do, if he doesn’t see it that way, you’re gonna have to leave him to himself. You aren’t responsible for his being gay!..

        Soon enough, after years of denial, it will dawn on him. It always does

  19. the question should be why do i feel the need to help him, someone who never asked for it.
    dont tell me cause his yhur friend, cause if thats yhur reason then yhu owe him an obligation of two things.
    – to truly know who he is/was ” you should know yhu failed here”.
    – to accept him the way he is .
    you feeling the need to change him tells more of you than him, you accused him of internalized homophobia, but more or less its a plight to validate your own sexuality.
    bottom let him be, you love da shirt on him does mean he has to love it too, even duo his the one wearing it.

    • Let me ask you something.
      When you find a friend who’s had a ghastly accident that claimed his legs and he’s on crutches, bumbling about and not getting things around properly in your presence, and he’s too proud to ask you to help, you’ll let him be? Simply because you don’t want to, validate the completeness of your limbs to him?
      My dear, I’m comfortable in my own skin. I don’t need anyone or deed to validate my existence or whatever i do with it. Sometimes, help offered doesn’t come when its been asked for.

  20. I dont blame him for how he feels about sexuality. Normality is designation gives to its members. Normal is what “we, the people” say is normal.This is what is accepted to be true…until you wake up from the semi-conscious, thought-free, reflex life-mode, when you come to the realization that if you pander to every whim of society, you will never truly LIVE. This realization eludes the majority throughout their earthly lives. The few who set themselves free from bondage to society do so after the scales have fallen from their eyes, usually after years of internal conflict and self-loathing that comes to a head in a moment of severe crisis. In such a moment, depression is transformed into anger and rebellion (Now you can understand DM and many of us here. lol). Regarding sexuality, many of us now have this “sexuality epiphany window”, that gives us a an opportunity for a little insight into the monster that we have created called SOCIETY. It is a ferocious beast of our own making; it is ruthless, demands total submission and crushes utterly any who stand in its path (this explains martyrdom). When we are born, we are handed a life script, deviation from the script will be severely punished. And who here hasnt had thoughts like “what will people say if i drive that kind of car? How will i look if i live in such an area? what will they think of me when they realize my father is a drunk and a nobody? i have not attended university. will they accept me as i am?”. The pressure we are put under, especially in Africa with our extended family system, is ENORMOUS. It is truly a HEROIC FEAT to break free. (Oh yea! I have encountered many heroes on this blog). It is very hard, especially when we are as smart as we are, not to judge. But we can try…try to be understanding. My friends, we are all living in the same prison…

    • QED! Case closed. Anything said after this profound truth means you just want to talk. Maybe sensei needs to be commenting at the end of the day, seems apt.

    • Week after week, this young man always knows how to close a thread. His comments are always spot on. There’s Nothing more that can be said.
      You’re living up to your name sensei.. Bravo..

    • Heresy has been defined as half truth. Half truths are fatally dangerous. @ sensei, yes I agree with you but my worry is that you didn’t put the age brackets of the majority of the readers here into consideration. You left out the other side. The balance. Is societal influence entirely bad? Sociologists balances this, I don’t know about Psychiatrists. Please you owe us a duty.You have to balance the truth you have spoken because it’s one sided except if you have other intentions

      • Gad, i have a problem with a society that sees 18 year olds as mature enough to CHOOSE to enlist in the army and get shipped off to the battle field where their bodies get ripped to shreds, mature enough to choose the country’s leaders in an election, but will not allow them make simple decisions about their own lives. It is hypocritical and shameful. Gad, in case you have not noticed, young people on this blog who are “unfortunate” to have a sexuality that is totally rejected by society are suffering greatly. Just the other day, Arabian princess told us about his parents who asked him to renounce his sexuality or get disowned. The parents are really not to blame. They are merely conditioned appendages of this ferocious beast called society; the arms through which it executes its iron will. Gad, sometimes i really wonder about you. You have said on this blog that you do not understand why a man cannot have sex with a woman. Its good that you admitted your lack of understanding, because that is exactly what it is. These young people are in crisis, a crisis that they have to face and overcome on their own. society expects them to get married and for many, they cannot even imagine having sexual relations with a girl. The fact that you dont get it will not make it any less factual. what is easier to change? a person’s sexuality? or society’s attitude towards it? Nobody chooses to be gay but homophobia is not congenital. It is a choice that can be made and UNMADE. what balance are you talking about? So we should just do what society wants us to do even if it makes us depressed for the rest of their lives? You dont really care about how we feel, do you? i am personally sick of a society that only wants you to obey its rules without really caring about your happiness as a person or your desires as independent being. Please give these guyz some credit. They are not stupid. They know i dont mean they should pick up guns and raid the nearest supermarket because they are “anti-society”. And yes, i owe them a duty. It is to speak the truth and not care whose ox is gored. And what surprises me the most, is that you who are so religious, do not realize that Jesus whom you claim to follow was a rebel against society. News flash: that is why he was killed. For not being the man society expected him to be. Since you seem to be on the side of “society”, give them a message for me. LEAVE US ALONE!!!!!

      • Societal norms helps shape the individual. Yes society can be wrong in some aspects but not entirely useless to the development of individuals and entrenchment of order. That’s the balance I expected you to strike because I’m sure you know(even if you pretend not to) that an 18yrs old doesn’t have the mental capacity to know where to draw the lines in dealing with society. Education,success,neatness etc are demands of society. Society made traffic rules.Should individuals shun it and make theirs?Why not tell us to shun education,be dirty and lazy so as to be seen as opposed to society. when the case of Arabian Princess came up,most people expressed concern about a 20yr old leaving home but he is 20. Two years above 18. I’m in touch with him and thank God,he took my advice and has gone home. You haven’t said anything wrong but when you failed to make distinctions between those of you who are older and independent and those still under their parents,the whole essence is lost.I said sometime ago that I don’t understand why a guy can’t have sex with a girl but it’s strange that you didn’t see where I said that one thing I have learnt on KD is that such people exists. Anything I say is out of my conviction and not to impress like many do here. Any comment I make here,I have the younger ones well being in focus. Lastly,Jesus didn’t die because He was against society. His death was God,s grand design to reconcile man to himself through a once for all sacrifice

      • Omg! Sensei; the sharpness and keenness of your mind constantly leaves me feeling like am a reeling retard. Wow! The working of your mind is a beauty to behold and partake in …
        Gad is wise as he should be for his age, but he very often displays the effects of a lifetime of religious conditioning and blind conformity with society’s brutal expectations – i frankly don’t know if that’s always a bad thing …

      • In conforming with society,s brutal expectations you got education and you are telling the younger ones not to conform. Guys let those of us who are older and more experienced in life see ourselves as mentors with a duty to put the younger ones on the right tracks. I’m not a conformist the way you think but I can’t because I want to exercise certain freedom or maturity put the younger ones @ risk knowing that they might not be able to handle freedom the way I do. Freedom can lift me but freedom can destroy the other cos we have different mental and physical capacities

      • haba, Gad! it today “running in circles” day? I have already pointed out the double standards upheld by a society that only chooses to remember a person’s age when it is convenient. You associate age with wisdom, but take a look at nigeria today. Is it the young people that are embezzling state funds and ransacking the national treasury? Last time a checked, the man who made the legendary comment; “ordinary stealing and they call it corruption” has an excess of grey hair. So you know, grey hair is not an automatic cure of stupidity. Some people nurse their stupidity with great care through out their lives and take it intact to their graves. An 18 year old lacks mental capacity to decide who he wants to kiss but is capable to decide he wants to go to the war front and shield his country’s cause (however stupid) with his young body. Oh, that is just awesome. So that the grand-daddies can continue to sit on the thrones of power, and continue to fatten their pot- bellies which are already so fat, one wonders how they are able to breathe. Get this straight; stupidity is not an exclusive reserve of the young. The elders have lost credibility. we know that by virtue of experience, they have words of wisdom to share. So we will listen and listen very attentively. But we will weigh every word in the scales of reason and try every advice in the crucible of critical thinking. Else we will allow them to reproduce themselves in us, just like their fathers did them, turning them into carriers and propagators of mentalities that are a product of generational rank Xeroxing ; Else we, like they, will become lifeless wheels in the machinery of society, where personal happiness is sacrificed for a collective that cannot know happiness, being impersonal. What they keep failing to understand is that personal happiness is the key to the well being and success of the collective. I vehemently refuse to be a medium of crude, ancient, thoughtless ideologies that lack an iota of rationality. I promise to be a barricade to this generational transmission of stupidity because i want our children to live in a better world. And you accuse me of many things i did not even talk about. I never said we should not be law abiding citizens. I am sure kdsians understood me. You just assumed they didnt get it. Being smart, and putting together every note and comment on this blog, they know we are all about integrity, responsibility and civility. So have no fear. And about Jesus, if after reading the scriptures, you cannot see that he was a rebel against the society of his time, then i cannot help you.

      • I’m not talking about public administration. I’m talking about saying the truth in a way that it won’t destroy the younger ones. I’m saying that you should talk to the young amongs us the way you would your 18yr old brother. I know you will vote an 18yr old as the governor of your state but please let’s exercise some caution. We were spitting fire here some days back about damning our families because of our sexuality and a 20yrs old took the bait and got burnt and we started looking for solutions. That’s what you get when you fail to strike the balance

      • I’m very much aware of that. How I wish I can have white on my mind and say black in order to please you et al but sadly I say it the way I see it.

      • What’s the difference between the way I see it and the way I think? Pinky,haba. I don’t expect everybody to key into my opinions as expressed. Pls take note of that. You created this forum to give us a platform to ventilate our thoughts. Don’t you think it will be like another 5th national assembly if we all agree on all issues at all times.

      • so kdsians are to blame for arabian princess’s decision to leave home? haha! funny conclusion and i dont even have the details of the story so i wont bother to respond to that. So they way we present truth is destroying the young ones? haha! Society and its ideology (which is responsible for the kito stories we keep hearing) is not destroying young ones abi? its alright, Gad. But know that in certain discussions, one doesnt need to count all the points from A to Z without skipping any letter. Sometimes, one can make a general statement, expecting people to be smart enough to fill in the gaps. I think kdsians are smart enough to follow the line of reasoning.

        If you dont mind, we can discuss the topic sometime in the future. If we go on, this will not end today

  21. By leaving him to himself.

    Kelvin should be left till he’s willing to stretch out his hand for an assist to be rendered…and we do pray it doesn’t get too late before he realises the need to be Happy.

    He could, be jovial (and very well at that), do justice to the dance floor anytime, be witty and creative…the truth remains that he’s possessed by a private demon (Internalised Homophobia) he, already, has an answer to.

  22. So like my friend would say ‘this mata tough scarra’.
    I guess a lot of people have struggled with this kind of self disgust. I think I might have been there at some time even though not severely. Now I am a lot more comfortable with myself, my friends and even their friends but it might take time for some others.
    Was at a small party with some friends in port-harcourt quite recently and there were the regular loud queens with one of them screaming ‘this area (where they were sitting) is made up of women of substance’. One of my friends was pissed that they were all loud and ‘flaunting’ their gayness in front of everyone and I was of the opinion of what better place to be free and flaunt your gayness than in the midst of other gay people. It is part of the ‘hate’ gay people develop for each other – like being disgusted by someone who ‘sheles’ too much and stuff. Let’s just say KD has helped me become a better gay man and I think everyone can learn from here.
    I am out of here for just a few days and the ‘gogo’ tea parties have started. You pipu should continu o.
    And all these new names I am seeing, hmmmmm

  23. It’s one of the sad facts of life, but that’s it. Everyone has his own race to run, just hope he comes to terms with himself like you have.

    That evolution isn’t the easiest thing, but when you decide you’re ready for it, you’ll be glad you did.

  24. This is another interesting topic for me as an individual. Let me just say i acknowledged the guy(s) in charge of this blog. Back to the matter at hand, individual or self acceptance is easier and or tasky for some. Certain factors has a bearing on this such as culture, society , religion and each person’s background.

    All i want to say is that subjectively it get easier as i get older, though there are still the self doubting and question asking period such as “why me”. Let me just say it is a personal journey and only self conviction will do. I can relate to “kelvin” to an extent. i feel gad’s and lord’s comment on this.

  25. Hi. I’m a “silent reader” myself, but this is one post that’s really resonated with me. I really enjoyed the comment thread so far. I’ll just say this though. I think gad, sensei, lord, colossus have legitimate views on this and perhaps the combination of their views makes for a satisfactory commentary on a very important scenario.
    I, for one haven’t found as much peace with my sexuality outside myself as I have within myself, if that makes any sense. I am the only child of a single mother and though I’m all for finding happiness and peace with oneself, the only person I feel I owe something to is my mother. I mean, she looks forward to me becoming the ultimate man – good job, steady finances and most importantly a good (and beautiful) wife with many grandkids for her. Now, she abhors homosexuality just like many other nigerians out there. she isn’t perfect, then again its only human to want to prove that against all the odds the absence of my father put her through, she can make me be the person he (my father) will ultimately regret leaving behind. She’s exposed but religious, an avid watcher of E! yet frowns on the gays. she thinks it’s a sickness. Call her a product of society, but it is what it is. She’s my mother, she’s awesome and I love her. Now, here I am with a life filled with expectations, but nature basically throws a spanner in my works. I’ve been through depression and self hate through secondary school, all the while merely satisfying basic urges and beating myself up for it, yet at the same time living as expected like being socially active, working out as a Christian, having a girlfriend and just trying to convince myself that ‘that’ part of my life was just a phase. Fast forward to my university years, and I find that most of the others from school are now (apparently) straight and I wonder what’s wrong with me, when my urges haven’t changed even though I managed to stay without any sexual relations for about 5 years (ss3 to 400l, don’t ask) while, torturously, on and off, trying to live a holy life. Now a corper, I’m growing into myself and trying to figure stuff out and make peace with myself, given my past, my present, my discoveries about myself so far, my expectations of myself and those my mother and others who matter have for me. In this case, I really can relate to the topic in question. I can relate to kelvin where I’m at now and yes I wonder if I can really pull off the “nigerian dream” my mother and family want for me. I don’t think it right to define oneself by his sexuality but it does affect these things. so yes it’s a constant battle, yet if I plainly give my views without a back story, I just might end up antagonized here like gad. Truth is, like it or not, he really does speak for a class of people I can relate to. people like kelvin. I could change my views as I go on, life is a continuous learning process. but the bottom line is finding happiness in your life, and sometimes you might have to establish your reality to achieve that, even though it might look askew to some people. All this while I’ve tried to see things from other people’s perspective, trying to find truths but I can’t jump on the bandwagon with some of you guys on here who seem to be living the gay life without borders, letting go of the burdens society places on us for really significant reasons. It is right to be able to live freely and express yourself, but not to the detriment of others. Now I for one can’t satisfy those conditions yet, trying to strike a balance as I go on and how I strike that balance may and probably will be different from how others do it. different strokes. I can’t risk my mother slumping at some epiphany of mine when I still see a chance of getting a win win situation. You might not agree in the existence of that chance, but I do. I owe her that much. So I’ll do just fine in my closet for now, hoping against hope. I may not be as happy as I would like to be, but I’ll make the best of the situation. You will agree that the pain of causing a loved one grief is much worse at this time. Now the question of friendship. While kelvin may not see things your way, pinkpanther, he still needs a friend. unless he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, you should nurture your friendship. it’s a saying that the beauty of true friendship is being able to grow separately without growing apart. He might not think he needs the kind of help you want to give him, so don’t force it. I do believe however, that if you have really found peace with yourself, your friendship will let him see that peace and give him a better idea of how to get better himself. love him either way and see him as a person, not for what you think he can be but who he is. if then you can’t make friends with who he is, drift apart amicably. he doesn’t need enemies. the question of him being jealous and stuff is for you to determine not third parties. There is one thing though. Some people might have that friend who, in such times, they sort of use as an icon to represent something they want to escape from and in the process see only those things in you and condemn them, indirectly or directly condemning you just so they can feel better about themselves. that’s a deal breaker. I appreciate this blog and I believe many others do too. if anything, it helps to know you are not alone, and there are real people beneath all the sex and drama that have been linked to being gay.

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