Ghosts Of A Boyfriend Past

g35This is a true life story.

I love romance. But the harsh realities of my relationships have never really indulged my fanatic belief of romance. My best friend, Chuka once told me, “Look, you need to give up your empty dreams of idyllic romance which never come to pass. There are lots and lots of guys whose thirst is real, why tie yourself down in a boring relationship when you can sample all the treats you want?”

I had no answer to Chuka, because in a weird way, I knew he was right. Nevertheless, I waited for Mister Perfect.

And so, one day in mid–September last year, I was walking to one of the banks on campus with Chuka.

And then, I saw him.

Till today, I still wonder how such a seemingly perfect encounter could eventually turn out to be such a disaster. He was the embodiment of all I had been dreaming of for years; it was like the gods had seen the desire of my dreams and sent him forth as the perfect answer to my deepest yearnings. He was almost as tall as I am, dark, slightly built, perfect white teeth revealed in a smile, with a cute butt on full display. My heart did several flip flops as I saw him walking out the bank gates at the exact same moment Chuka and I were walking in.

He and Chuka exchanged a warm greeting; it was apparent that they were friends. I simply stared mutely like a moron. Chuka made the introductions. His name was David and he owned and ran a luxury boutique quite close to the campus. He was at the bank to collect some cash for restocking his store.

I could barely conceal my eagerness and excitement till he had taken his leave. A few moments after he had left us, I blurted out, “Jeez, Chuka, who is that guy!”

“Hmm, don’t tell me you’ve already fallen in love o,” Chuka said with a laugh.

“Abeg, I just asked a simple question. Tell me who he is joor.”

“I won’t tell you who he is, you know why? Because he is not good for you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Since when did you become my personal adviser? And did you hear me talk about going into a relationship with him? Just tell me abeg, who is he!”

“Ok, ok. If you wish, please don’t eat me alive.” He threw up his hands in mock surrender.

Then, he told me all he knew about David. What I heard increased my curiosity and desire to get to know him more. Afterwards, I rushed home, searched for his profile on Facebook, added him to my friends’ list and sent him a message. I waited for almost half the day in a frenzy of anxiety and apprehension. And then his reply came: ‘I’m sorry for my late reply, I just saw your message. I am happy you added me up because I had earlier searched for you on Facebook, but to no avail. Here’s my BBM Pin …. Please add me and let’s hook up.’

Reading the message over and over again, I was caught up in the throes of ecstasy. I was sure that my long and painful search for Mister Right had finally ended. I had found him and my wonderful sojourn into the depths of love had just begun. We connected on BBM and began a series of back and forth chats, eventually meeting up at his place. He was the perfect host, a captivating combination of wild and charming. We kept seeing each other for a few more weeks, and then the university was shut down due to the lecturers’ strike action. As other students left for home and the campus was rapidly emptied of its usual bustle of activities, David asked me to move into his place with him. I cooked up a lie for my Mum about some skills acquisition program which would last for a few months. She bought my story completely and I gladly moved in with David.

All went well. David and I were extremely happy. I had never known such joy to be with the man I loved all the time, waking up beside him and going to sleep beside him, in between showing him love in so many different ways.

However, a few weeks later, the first cracks started to appear in our otherwise idyllic existence together. Looking back, it’s ironic that it started with a relatively minor issue. I had earlier on in our relationship asked him his age, and he had told me that he was twenty-nine. That made him six years older than I was. I didn’t really mind this age gap despite the fact that I had never dated anyone that much older than I was.

And so, I was helping him search for some documents when I stumbled upon a document that had his real age on it. He was actually thirty-three. I didn’t mind this, but what really stung me was the blatant, bald-faced lie he’d told me. I however decided not to confront him with the issue as I sensed he was not really comfortable with the issue. But then again, he was not so uncomfortable that he didn’t resist the temptation of beating me over the head with the age stick. He had this extremely annoying habit of scolding me and starting with, “We are not age-mates o…” I found that totally awful.

And then, the sheer ignorance he frequently displayed! Yes, he was a high-flying businessman who ran a very successful boutique outlet, but I didn’t think his schedule should be a reason to be so ignorant. It was so bad that we eventually found it impossible to relate on any topic other than which dude was screwing which. He showed a shocking lack of knowledge to matters of national or international import; he knew the name of our president, and very little else. Anything beyond this quickly left him with a feeling of intense boredom. On a snide note, I felt sure that this was due to the towering stack of Nollywood movies he spent a massive chunk of his time watching at all possible hours. I was initially unwilling to write this up for Kito Diaries, but then I realized that he was most probably never going to read it.

Anyway, they say love conquers all, right? So I tried to overlook his deficiencies and inadequacies and stayed with him.

But then came his jealousy. It was consuming and on some instances, uncontrollable. I was practically barred, whenever we were together, from talking on the phone with any other man apart from my father. He always felt I was hiding things from him and would quiz me endlessly for hours. I eventually discovered that all this stemmed from a deep-seated insecurity. But I loved him, and I was determined to make things work out between us.

Ironically, for one who was so jealous about my life outside our relationship, it came as quite a shock to me when I got to find out about David’s cheating ways. I discovered this by pure accident, the day he returned from one of his numerous ‘business trips.’ I somehow stumbled on a message in his phone which indicated that contrary to what he told me, he had actually gone traveled to partake in a wild orgy. I was devastated. I felt shattered and crushed and used, it hurt so bad. I can still remember the feeling of having something I cherished so deeply, something I’d clung so fiercely to, collapsing around me before my very eyes.

When he saw that I had found him out, he angrily warned me never to read his messages ever again. Over time, I saw unmistakable signs that his wild ways were getting more blatant and more brazen by the day. Everything came to a head one day when I came back unexpectedly from an outing and saw John, a close friend of mine in the house. David hadn’t known that John and I were friends. He also hadn’t expected me back home on that day and had therefore decided to have a swell time in my absence. They were both in a state of near-undress. I watched with disgust as they struggled to throw their clothes on and leave the house. Alone and without a word, I packed my things and moved back to the campus, before David would return with more lies and apologies.

Afterwards, I was an emotional wreck. I felt battered and used. I was angry at myself for having fallen so deeply for someone who least deserved my affection and devotion. Looking back, I realize that I emerged the better for it despite the scars. I got wiser, stronger and more mature, and I found the strength to extricate myself from a toxic relationship. David still calls to apologise and plead for another chance at our relationship, but I am seriously over him. I wish him well. I have overcome my anger, I have tacked the entire experience as a mistake designed to help me make better choices in the future.

Written by Obatala

120 thoughts on “Ghosts Of A Boyfriend Past

  1. I’m sorry for my insensitivity, but I actually find this funny.
    I’ve found out something during my years of exploration; Much older gay guys are mostly incapable of love & that’s why I avoid them. All they want do is “get some” from u and also indulge in wild fantasies ( orgies) with other people etc..
    This is a classic case of relationship 101.
    You need to be missed in a relationship, so moving in is never a good idea ( when the whole thing is still fresh)..
    Glad you learnt your lesson from it though.
    Moral of the story- people aren’t always what they seem. Your wildest “perfect dream guy” could turn into your worst nightmare..

  2. Yeah, Obatala was eager.

    Now, gay people are generally liars. We’ve lied about our orientation for a long time. This makes it easy to lie about other things as we have formed the dishonest habit. At the first sign of a lie I have a therapy session with the culprit. If I don’t sense that he’s going to stop lying I cut him off.
    There are several fit/ attractive men. That’s easily available, and so it is becoming less and less of a big deal for me. Is it not everyday that we hear of an LGBT Nigerian model on this blog?

    • Ehen Chuck, now that you mentioned it, I did hear about a certain popular Nigerian music producer being gay yesterday from a grape vine.

      *gossip mode activated *

    • True Chuck! Lies comes naturally to many gay people that even the most innocent of questions are answered with lies. “I haven’t had sex in a year” when the Oga just fuck person last night.

  3. Obatala you are very smart to have left him and stick to moving on. I can’t comprehend why many gays cheat. Anyhoo, it’s a question for the gods. By d way, do you school in UniAbuja?

  4. @Obatala, if there is something I have slowly but surely begun to learn, it’s to put me first. The world.(including gaybourhood) is selfish like that…

    Thankfully you have learnt from this experience and hopefully more prepared to better handle gay-motions.

    By the way, I like you writing style…thumbs up!

  5. You just described the phases most gay relationships go through before they crash and burn, first there’s a feeling of euphoria and u feel truly loved, then the cracks begin to appear and widen really quickly…and u see behind the gorgeous interior there is something hideous.

    If u must date. someone, for starters from my experience, date someone who isn’t too into the gay scene, someone who has mostly straight friends and maybe 1-2 mutual gay friends on Facebook. And pls do not date a student regardless of how old they are, cus they dont have that many responsibilities except going to classes and stuff so how then do u think they’ll be able to handle a relationship which is a massive responsibility itself!

    . missing Justin 😦

    • I don’t understand this…..so if we don’t date students, who else are we going to date or who is going to date the students…?

      • Not all students are bad! Some are really mature with a good head on their shoulders and won’t treat you like an ATM machine.

        I have also met older guys with high flying jobs that reason like they are in kindergarten!

        I don’t think there are hard and fast rules about this. Give each one the benefit of the doubt and experience people individually without lumping them together!

      • Exactly one date is enough to get a feel of what they are like. And decide to move or stay!

        Even just chatting with them on BBM over a period of time is enough to find out.

        And then some older peeps feel “I have a job and I have money”, so they don’t even care about being funny or smart or witty. They sit around the couch with their big tummies and remote control tuned to Africa magic.

      • Depends, Dennis. Do a lot of people care about funny or smart? As long as I’m hung and ripped I know I’ll get good looking bottoms etc

      • Obatala clearly thought so. White Teeth and a nice butt do not make a partner. But then, what many call a relationship is just a fling.

      • @PP bless you

        @Chuck, just like PP says that’s sex! We won’t f**k from sun up to sun down! After the sex and all we will have to talk about stuff right?

        We will socialize with other people and discussions will come up at the dinner table that you will contribute to.

        If it’s sex only, that’s a diff kettle of fish, for a relationship? You need more than a Big Black d**k

      • Pinky, Dennis, clearly there wasnt anything else, that’s why they ended things.

        I read the article. Obatala only mentioned his “bf”‘s good body and good business. Nothing about any values in common.

      • Until he mentions them, I will assume that they did not exist. If they existed why did he only mention money and good looks?

    • @Chizzie, “someone who isnt really into the gay scene …” i don’t know why that phrase bothers me so, could you pleaae clarify that phrase cos i find it a tad aggravating and weird …

      • For starters someone who isnt too into the gay scene doesn’t have that many contacts to cheat with in the first place; You spend less time worrying who they are screwing cus they dont know that many gay ppl; There isn’t that one annoying gay bff that tries to set that up with someone, or a slutty bottom dts trying to snatch ur man…and u are rest assured that they wouldn’t be invited for wild orgies bareback or not.. The best relationship ever ive had was with someone who wasn’t too connected in the gay scene,cus u get all the attention and they treat u really good, Cause I guess they feel getting another gay guy might prove abit difficult for them.

      • @chuck I was about to say that! If they are staying because they can’t find other people, then that is different shades of twisted!

        He should stay because he can leave but doesn’t want to because you are awesome!

    • I’m a student and I don’t use anyone as an atm machine and I’ve been with same person for 3yrs now, he is not a student and this relationship started when I was in my 2nd year. what does that say about your theory?

      • Ion get u chuck. what were u expectn 2 find at icm before? u need 2 quit ranting abt students. Yh, many just hv that nonsensical belief dat u shud pay all their bills but many others don’t. same with d workers y’all claim 2 b mature but most are so stupid, it’s crazy

  6. Obatala?

    I did a double take when I saw the name!

    Obatala opened up like this? You actually have a softer side? This was a very good story to read.

    Meanwhile “Skills acquisition”?
    ***sips tea***

  7. I’m sorry for your heartbreak, Obatala.

    In my own case, my ex lied about everything: his age, his date of birth, his state of origin, his birthday, his facebook username, his family as in his parents and siblings, his friends, his job description and nature of his work, his sexual appetite, his hobbies, everything. I’m not exaggerating.

    At least, you had the courage to turn your back on what’s hurting you. And for that I applaud you. It’s not easy to break loose from a relationship (especially if you love your partner very much) no matter how bad it is.

    You will still find love. Love exists. Even in the gaybourhood. But our peculiar circumstances here in Nigeria makes it seem very difficult. But there are still some diamonds among the stones.

    • Ha Samaurai, he lied about all that? And u still call him an “ex”? That one was not a boyfriend o; he was charlatan! Thank God he didn’t use u for rituals- that kind of person can kill!

    • Pinky dear, you won’t understand. When they tell you love is blind, never you doubt it one bit. When I found out the first lie early on in the relationship, I was like, “well, maybe he was just being cautious”. I kept on excusing his lies.

      Yet ask me why I love him. I don’t even know. He wasn’t more handsome than people I’ve met in the past. The sex wasn’t better than I’ve had in the past. I wasn’t like I was dependent on him for money.
      But still I stayed.

      I was foolish. But over time, I’ve come to forgive myself for that.
      Obatala is strong and courageous. That’s more than I can say for myself.

  8. Awww Obatala. That must have been a painful experience. I still think the worst thing a person can do in a relationship is cheating, especially when they know they would feel bad if the other party started flirting with other guys too.
    Good thing u had the strength to let go. It’s a lesson we all go thru at one point or the other, and it will guide u whenever u want to make a decision about goin into a relationship in future.

  9. Love?

    True love? Ok.

    I love my Book-library. I love my Sketches. I love Writing. I love my Job. I love my Audience. I love my mood-swings. I love my Movies. I love my Kitchen, Cooking Skills. I love my Mother.

    These things are my True love(s).
    If a man passes by, I “grab” and move on.

    You’re strong Obatala.
    We learn.

    Chuck though. Dead-on.

  10. Dennis Macauley, behind every cynical behaviour/comment of mine is a sour experience(s) at its hems.

    I don’t try.
    I won’t try.

  11. You’ll be fine.
    There are absolutely no rules. Never be blinded by “love” or lust or anything inbetween. If he’s not what u can deal with, do not settle. And when u do, if u begin to get the feeling that something’s wrong, then SOMETHING IS WRONG. Find out what and talk about it. If u can’t fix it, move on!
    Some relationships end even before they have begun.
    You’ll be fine.

  12. Oh Well.

    I hate Love. I hate the idea of Being in love. I hate being called “Babe” or what’s that new term the have for it “Bae”… Is it?

    I have been in love before.
    And I was hurt before.

    I don’t want it anymore.
    Let’s be together without defining or giving it a term that would only jinx or “cliche” it.

    No key to your apartment.
    No meeting your friends.
    No holding hands or Evening walks.
    No sitting under the sky, watching the stars and talking about the future.
    No cuddling.

    Let’s be… Individuals. Not One.

    I wish PP would post that last poem I sent in.
    You’ll understand.

    I’m not Victoria Greyson of REVENGE.
    I’m Pearson of SUITS.

    Speaks.

  13. Obatala??? Goes to say that the “sensible ones also cry”. You always sound solid n unfazed with loads of common sense here. Whoa!!!

    Oh, Max, older ones…well

  14. Ok! I was taken aback a lil when I read the name of the writer, always thought he was all gangster ….lol

    Sorry 4 how things ended. The good thing is that u got out before things got messy.
    It has dawned on me that average gay relationships in naija, ve a life span of less than a year.
    @ max I seriously disagree with ur views regarding older guys not being capable of love. They may not fall inlove easily as a younger individual would (possibly due to pressure of “growing into a man of their own”……job, marriage,building a career, kids, furthering their education, owning and apartment of their own etc) but “SOME” are open to it, they just don’t ve that excessive time that “finding love” requires #myopinion

    • @Peak, once gay guys in Naija get to the age of 30, they’ll start getting bombarded with questions of marriage and girls etc.. And by that time they already have a job(busy week etc).. So they won’t have the time to invest in love/relationships.. They’ll probably have a beard by the side as a “cover story”. And they’re also weary and cautious about meeting people that might jeopardize their precious job. So they mostly do ” No strings attached” with fake names/user accts etc.. Dating a guy is not normally in their agenda. They’ll just tell you ; “I’m getting married soon, so all this is just for fun/time being”..

      The above analysis does not apply to every OGM… Just trying to tell you that you have more chances of running into one of those than one who is willing to love and date.

    • We hear new and weird things daily on Kd. Its yet to make sense to me that one’s age determines his ability to love or not. I have always heard from younger guys that they prefer older guys more due to their caring skills. I wonder what we will hear tomorrow.

    • @Gad, Max’s analysis covers only guys from 29-35 years old who are struggling to distinguisg themselves as “Men”, as opposed to the more grown and mature men that you are thinking.

    • Nah.
      Just that,like you,I’ve been in that place too.And you’re so ready to snap out of it,move on.
      Your heart is ready,just your head reluctant to leave that hiding place you found for yourself.I should know,I wore that shoe too.

  15. I’m 20. Bruised from dating a friend of my father’s, a 53 year-old. Moved in with him in school. Found out I was just one of his numerous boys in school.

  16. Hi

    I’m HIV positive and seeking true love. Anyone interested in dating (probably Positive too) and resides in Lagos? Pls place a comment below mine. I’m very lonely!!

    Thanks!

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