In The Lonely Hour

Sad-Black-man-galleryThe other day, Chucks (not real name) messaged me to tell me he would be in Lagos in a couple of days. I was ecstatic because we had planned this meet for ages. Chucks lives in Abuja, is in his mid 30s and is married with kids. He asked me to help make enquiries about a decent hotel where we could spend the night as his flight was scheduled to arrive very late.

All was going fine till he casually dropped… “Do you mind if I come with a friend, for a threesome?”

Words I’d heard before, a preposition I was used to getting and something I had indulged a few times during my ‘threesome fantasy days’.

I don’t exactly know what it was this time, maybe the casual way it was dropped, but I absolutely lost it. I went from teasing about how I couldn’t wait to ride his very married dick to unleashing a slur of venom on him. Such was my vitriol that all he kept saying was sorry over and over again. But I wasn’t done; I went on to say I didn’t want anything to do with him and deleted his numbers. Oh, and also blocked him on Whatsapp for added affect.

Yet the anger wouldn’t abate. I went from being angry to being really upset to the point that I was on the verge of tears. I knew why I was upset but I didn’t want to admit so.

I rang a close friend of mine. He is the same age as me but far more experienced in the gay scene and a one-time whore who has since ‘settled’ with a man. During the course of our ‘mother-to-daughter’ conversation, I finally broke down and admitted why I was so upset and acted in such fashion.

I felt cheap. I felt like a whore. A lingering feeling that I had been in denial about, casually brushing it off or justifying it with one reason or the other. I also felt exhausted and tired.

After the lengthy phone call (he had to ring me back because I ran out of credit), I lay in bed and thought about a lot of things. You see, after my painful break up with Justin (real name) this year, I went into full slut mood, maybe to compensate for the fact that I was genuinely hurt from the breakup and just needed something to distract me. But the thing about going into slut mood is that you can’t seem to turn it off.

I found myself in a vicious routine of Chat-Meet-Fuck, a routine that quickly became redundant and exhausting. Soon it became the norm, having sex with men whose names I couldn’t recall during the drive back home.

It was fun, but there was always a lingering loneliness that wouldn’t go away afterwards. And when all was done, it was just me and a sore butt on a lonely bed. I felt there was a void I couldn’t fill or an itch I couldn’t reach, an emptiness I couldn’t contend with.

It seemed everyone just wanted to fuck. So I went with the flow, completely in denial that I didn’t need the affection, and I didn’t miss the feeling of being romanced, or Justin’s calls out of the blue to know how I was doing, or the times we lay in bed and did nothing but kiss or watch movies on his laptop. I missed all of that so bad and wanted it back. But to admit that would be to concede defeat of some sort, so I kept lying to myself.

The threesome question was the hammer to the head that finally broke my facade. That one incident brought to light what I had been in denial about. I really had become a slut and was being treated accordingly. It was the tail end of the year and yet I was in the midst of a circle that was endless. I also feared the repercussions – yes, I could feel them already, especially mentally. Lustful thoughts constantly plague my mind, and there are still moments where even amongst friends, I would feel deeply alone. I’ve tried to rationalize why I feel that way, maybe it’s because these men just see me as a means to relieve themselves.

My friend advised I stop sleeping around. The advice, while being extremely generic, might be the key to restoring my mental sanity.

That night, while I was in the midst of my epiphany, sober and reflective, Chima’s (not real name) message came in. “Hey bae,” it read

I smiled.

Chima is my beacon of hope. He genuinely seems to be more interested in other things about me than my ass, and our conversations are always varied, from politics, to music, to marriage and the occasional sex. We’ve met once, and I really thought he wasn’t that into me till just when I was about leaving, he got up and  kissed me passionately and told me he was leaving the country for a while, but he’d always keep in touch. And to my surprise he has. He’ll be back for good soon, and we plan to see.

A part of me hopes he’s the one…because I am tired…tired of being a whore.

Written by Chizzie

50 thoughts on “In The Lonely Hour

  1. Okay babe which chizzle wrote this? The original FKA chizzle or the imposter.. my dear, fucking around does not fill tht void..praying and hoping Mr right comes around is de ultimate.. May God answer ur prayers dear, we all deserve to be happy..

  2. Ummmm…. Am I dreaming or is the queen of “bishes” finally opening up to his vulnerabilities… Even called himself a slut.. Wow.. Ok. Ummm, so about married people, they’re always a no no.. Something about MGM and the wild imagination they have can be quite shocking. No wonder you don’t cut our MGM’s here some slack.. You’ve been hurt by one.. I see.
    Once you start treating your body with the respect it deserves, you’ll get your sanity back.
    Going on a sex rampage bcos of heart break will only damage you. Nothing pains ex’s like seeing how well you’re doing without them..

  3. When will we learn to allow sleeping dogs lie?

    I don’t see how turning to a slut after a break-up mends the heart.. Myth

    Not forming saint or something but I find it totally distasteful when single guys go after people’s husbands..
    My point is, the wife is probably there cursing whoever is sleeping with the husband, and later we wonder y our lives aren’t moving..

    • Don’t you think that this your beautiful analogy could also be applied to a mother,father,siblings or an entire family cursing whoever commits “abomination” with their son by engaging in gay relations with him?

      • U r simply deluded gad, calculate the ratio of a parent cursing on whoever their child is committing “abomination” with and a wife cursing whoever is sleeping around with her husband and answer ur question..
        R u guilty of doing MGM?

      • What has ratio got to do with this? You believe in curses, right? Do you also believe that it’s d frequency that makes it to work? A curse is a curse and the older the curser the more effective.Im deluded? You amuse me. Some of you are turning this blog to a theatre of comedy.It beats me how you are scared of dating a MGM because you are afraid of curses from the wife who probably is not aware of what you do but you are not scared of curses from your parents who might curse you 4 being an “abomination”; they know you,they have spiritual authority over you and are connected with you by blood and ancestry.Ps all should note that my use of abomination was in context to Daniel line of reasoning.

      • Daniel are you kidding with this line of argument? Curses and ratios, are you for real? In your opinion, you believe theres really a difference.
        My dear, simply say you dont like sleeping with MGM and end the talk there. Reeling in this nonsense about curses and trying to distinguish a wife’s curse from a parent’s is not very intelligent.

  4. Yea..@Max….nothing pains ex the more when you’re doing without them…….sometimes I wonder if sleeping around pays…..where I am now,I have stopped meeting anyone till I live here….reason because all of them are doing slothful and sleep around….,,
    Na him I carry myself jeje dey one side….till my heart and mind decides to look the other side.,,

  5. Okay! This was fun to read

    LOL!

    1. MGM are a big NO NO! I never had time for them, if you are going to cheat on someone you made vows with, find someone else to help you with that! Not me

    2. Threesomes are another NO NO! I do realize in some ways that I am a prude. Sex is a private matter between two people, throwing in a third party for me is just wrong. Those days I had sent quite a few guys home because they showed up with someone!

    Some of you will rolls your eyes, cos I have confessed some “twisted” fantasies before, yes! But I’d do them with just ONE person.

    Having said that, I have often said that one gets tired of being a whore especially as you get older.

    PS: Chizzie sweets erm you might wanna edit your grindr profile, cos what you wrote there will not attract the kind of men you want

    ***pours myself another glass of that chardonnay***

  6. ***Pinches myself, walks over to Max and Pinches butt***, ahhh, yes, we are awake … the queen of ice is finally thawing and showing a softer side which needs love and care …. awwww. The truth is the older you get, the more you seek stability in your life … most people just want someone they can call theirs. The meet – chat – fuck routine seems like fun at first, but after a while, it gets monotonous and boring – downright irritating. I have nothing against MGM, if a man likes me and i like him – i will fuck him … end of story!! I understand that due to the unfortunate dynamics of this society, a lot of men are forced into marriages they dont really want, this fact doesnt change who they truly are. It somehow doesnt seem fair to have to “ostracise” him/them for factors they are largely helpless to control, and so … if the chemistry is there, regardless of whether or not he wears a wedding ring, I am fucking him … final end of story!
    if being a whore is having deleterious effects on your emotional well-being, you need to bring some stability into your life – a fuck budd(ies)y, at least even if you arent ready to plunge into another relationship,

    • Khaleesi ever on point. I dont get this whole disdain some of us single gay guys suddenly develop for the married ones. And i believe a good number of these fellas will bow to societal pressure and get married. Then what? You’re supposed to stop being who you are becos of that? Its a tough situation, being married and gay. But i would expect understanding from the single ones, not outright dismissal and scorn

      • So I’m gonna kiss u now Chuck. I can sit out, drink and discuss with a MGM but once sex is involved, it’s all shades of wrong..
        I’m not sure I hate anyone for getting married but please stay married if u r married. That’s all.

  7. True@khaleesi…anyway now I see why sometimes you.FKA chizzie sound so depressed!! Of course I forgive you for all those off comments..seeing what you have gone thru….and am sure beneath that vitriol demure u seem to have put up here for some time..there is a diamond INSIDE….can we NOW see more of that special person who I know you are!!!

  8. I can totally relate to this. After breaking up with John (not real name) I did a lot of crazy things and jumped into another relationship while sleeping and cheating with quite a number of dudes. Still I was unhappy. But things got better when I decided to slow down and take things one day at a time. I’m still angry with him for breaking me into a million pieces but i will be fine. And so will you. Best to stop sleeping around cause it’s doing more harm than good in your case.

  9. I was attending weddings all day yesterday, I did not land on KD! I just found out I was referred to as “the amebo tea club”

    Dubem my god that supplies me consistently with cakes will answer you

    ***sets tea table, dials chestnut and A’non***

  10. At least he is even lucky he knows enough to know he’d been a slut. Some of us actually go into desperate-single-mode believing every fuck after is a relationship to be and get heart broken all the more. You’ll be fine…I hope

  11. Whoever said being gay is easy…slutiness is never an option,it can shatter ur self esteem and reduce u to a *hi-come-and-meet-me-tommorrow-i-wanna-just-fuck-you WHORE.There is nothing like being in love.Because when u r trully in luv,you will find out that sex is only a compliment and not a necessity.When you are truly in luv,u and ur partner can even play with ur hard-ons without necessarily having sex.Love brings contentment in every sphere of our lives*touching my bulge softly in extreem horniness*

    • I so want this type of relationship. I haven’t exactly been whoring around and that’s because i am unfamiliar with the protocols of being a whore and i haven’t had the opportunity of a stable relationship because it turns out everyone loves the thrill of one night stands. Chizzie, everyone has got that period
      of dark times. I am glad you found the light and moved on.

      P.s Maybe it is about time i downloaded this Grindr app, it is long over due and my thirst level is at the rooftop.

  12. Put your happiness in no man’s hands. Be complete and FEEL COMPLETE as a SINGLE person. Find happines in that. Or else, when ever any person in your life takes a hike, you’ll crash! I totally understand how it feels losing a lover. I have been there. If you feel complete IN YOURSELF, you will recover faster from break ups and won’t do something stupid because you are lonely.
    Chizzie dear, don’t wish that this dude is “the one”. He may not be and you’ll just end up hurting some more. You have not recovered fully from the last relationship. Healing shd be the aim, not replacement of what you lost. But if a relationship happens and helps in the healing. Fine. But a relationship to make you feel better shdnt be the goal. Because if a new dude makes you feel better, when he leaves, he takes the cure with him and you’re back to square one. Look yourself in the mirror and say, “with a man, I’m good. Without a man, I’m good”.

  13. A story I can absolutely relate to. Break-ups can really unleash a part of u that u don’t think exist. So been a whore, slut or* a regular fucker* might seem like the only escape. ( I literally had tears in my eyes) bcos I was seen my self in the writer’s shoe. Now I’m waiting if I can get a Beacon of Hope.

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