The Wish I Got For Christmas

singles 19So on the Third of November 2014, I finally tested positive.

I say ‘finally’ because since the first time I was tested as an HIV awareness advocate in my service year two years ago, I had always wondered and had been morbidly fascinated by what it’d be like having the virus. I had also always wanted to make friends with the HIV+ guys. Alas, they always ignored me. As I’ve always said; the point to empathy is being in the shoes actually. I have gotten my wish. The only regret I have about this situation is some ignoramus somewhere being quick to judge upon hearing I’m gay. Hell, some on here will be fast in calling me a “bloody arse whore”. Oh well…

As my doctor friend broke the news to me, my mind ran through all the partners I’ve had. Past and present. My last partner, who I stupidly trusted, evidently wasn’t trustworthy. I have asked him to go get tested as well, and I sincerely hope he turns out negative. I’ll know then that I have the barber to blame for this. I probably will be more confident in telling people I’m positive and quick to shut their yapping traps if they dare blame the shii on my being gay. However, if na positive…*bites forefinger*

Still, I am in denial. I still pray now – as I plan to see another doctor soon – that the strips from the last test were faulty and that there was a mistake with the test kit. Just as there was a mistake when my blood grouping and genotype was being determined.

In all, I don’t want to be alone. I could die. Years of wishing and imagining I had HIV probably has prepared me for this eventuality, but it is still disheartening to know I couldn’t wheedle a promise out of my doctor friend to not desert me when I need to do my funnies or just be a bitch generally. I know he has his own life to live and all that, and could be thinking, But I didn’t send you message to have bareback sex na. But it would have been comforting to know he has my back.

I wonder why I’m still so calm about this. I have no one to blame. Never was one to push my responsibility on anyone anyway, but I should be throwing tantrums, crying fits and blaming boyfriend, society…somebody. Oh well…

My advice at this point would have been, “Live responsibly”. But when you have lived responsibly like I had nko? And trusted my lover of many months and romps?

Ndi KD, go with God.

Written by Paradox

67 thoughts on “The Wish I Got For Christmas

  1. Now,why do I feel very comfortable to be single,,,,,,,,I am so very scared of sex eh….,hence my status…

    Nice one..live responsible and take caution in one does…

  2. Honey, never trust your lover… NEVER!!!!!.
    Unless you guys are married and regularly get tested together.. Don’t ever bareback.(wouldn’t wanna put my shlong bare in an ass anyway)…
    It doesn’t mean they’re unfauthful… They might have had some sh*t in the past before ya’ll started dating.. Or maybe he might have gotten it from another source which isn’t sex(who am I kidding?)..lol..

    Bikonu N30 will save you a whole lot of headache and heart attack.. Don’t bareback oh!!!!… You don’t know how many things have been down there..
    There’s also std’s, annoying and discomforting UTI’s etc… So just save yourself the trouble and wear something while @ it..

    Anyway, I think its very courageous to talk about your status on a blog. Not many people can do it.. I think it sends a powerful message to all +ve people out there.

    • Oh yeah… They’re that cheap… But I doubt anyone buys just one..
      Ummmmm since you don’t know the street price, when last did you have sex?? .. #justAskingForAfriend?

    • Haven’t you seen Gold circle ad everywhere? It is for d poor masses like us oh nd 4 #30, it might save u a life of heartache!
      As for the writer, am so so sorry 4 what happened! This is what u get 4 trusting, so sad! I hope u get through dis phase.
      Trust no one! Not even urself! U may claim u trust someone but you don’t follow them everywhere nd they may fall prey to temptation even if they r good! Trust should only b for God nd no one else. Even if you choose to trust, trust with your head not ur heart. Do the needful!

  3. You will be fine my dear, a lot of progress has been made. Try and join a support group where you can be real and share your feelings with people who understand.

    For the rest of us, Never ever bareback even if you are in a committed relationship! Things slip up, people go on business trips, have too much tequila and shag the boy from the hotel laundry without a condom and still come home to you. Except you get tested regularly as Max said.

    Also let me clear a misconception that a lot of people in Nigeria have. Gold circle condoms are not “cheap”! They are subsidized by society for family health. The landing cost of a pack is actually around 300 naira, but Society for Family health ensures it is sold for 20 naira and pays the balance, so that nobody can give an excuse of cost as being the reason they don’t use condoms.

    So gold circle is perfectly fine and safe for use and not inferior to the the other brands in the market! They also subsidize a particular brand of Lubricant called Lubrica which retails for around 80 naira

    • Thanks so much Dennis, i just learned something new – I’d always wondered why gokd circle cost much less and whether it was an inferior brand… thanks so much for this valuable piece if info … ***rushes to the pharmacy to buy 10 packs of gold circle for the price if 1 pack of durex**** woo hoo!!

    • Which Pharmacy are you getting your products? Because I know Gold Circle retails for 50 Naira a pack and Lubrica between 250 to 350 Naira. Biko nyem directions to this your Pharmacy.

  4. “….I had always wondered and had been morbidly fascinated by what it’d be like
    having the virus. I had also always wanted to make friends with the HIV+ guys….”

    Based on the above, what you exhibited is a classic case of Bug Chasing (en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugchasing)

    But alas the end isn’t what you had expected. Atleast you were calm about it and did not blame others for what happened.

    All in all its a nice read with a subtle educative/explosive moral lesson.

  5. Why do I feel I need to meet you @ paradox, a very good friend of mine was detected early this year and he is living his life. He is better now health wise with his medications. I was so happy for him because in all his numerous friends he choose only me to tell this secret, we once dated like 2years back but I had to leave him because of his unfaithfulness, people thought I was his younger brother even @ his shop people shows me love more than his recent partner.

    @ paradox if you care to have a friend here send pinky an email and will follow suit. Think its high time I write my own HIV/AIDS stories I know a few but would need their permission to do so.

  6. I’ve never bought Gold circle, so no surprise I don’t know it’s as cheap as N30. Another brand I prefer. *Smiles*

  7. Each time I read abt HIV related issues here…my heart sinks, a part of me keeps telling me to go get tested again that I might just be positive. it doesn’t make much sense, as the last time I was tested months after I had bareback,I was negative ( i havent had bareback sex since then) Still there’s this evil mocking voice in my head that tells me I’ve got the virus; I think its just a fear every gay man has. its almost like contacting HIV becomes an eventuality. it also doesn’t help that the majority of the guys u meet here r bisexual, il always blame bisexuals for the spread of STDs amongst the populace…

    Anyways to the author, you’ll be fine 🙂

    • Chizzie just pulled thought from my head. Anytime i fall sick, the first thing i go check is my HIV status even when i haven’t gone down with anyone in a long while. A voice would tell me “maybe you were in your window period”. Abeg, person window period fit reach one year ? Cos that is how long it has been with me and what are the physical signs of the virus? I am the most paranoid person in the world, such talks about HIV makes me “Kuja” (fear in igbo).

  8. I was just wondering….. ‘Why would you wish to be HIV+’… Can someone help me loose this knot… #bbmconfusedsmiley

  9. Please what is *bareback*?
    What is gold circle again?
    Ace……e be like say you don come over take your presido…..you mean its been over a year you had your last shagg?
    Considering that we both planned to remain”neat”……
    You too fast…
    So tey I have been *virgin ndi a nso”

    Please I want to get my sheets stained,who. Wants to help an innocent bruc…..

    • I am still on point oga Handome Inclined. But remember that oral sex and other “washing and setting” methods still puts one at risk of HIV. So, it is better to be safe nevertheless.

  10. Its been close to three years I had sex but I still wonder if I might be positive,I just get scared whenever I hear stories of hiv but I dnt have any of its symptoms and I have not even fallen sick since then. Maybe someday I will get the courage to take the test cos the last time I went for the test,I ran away leaving the result,hahaahhahaah

  11. I’m sorry pinkie. It was the 3rd of Dec. I got tested again yesterday and nope, Its not the barber’s fault. So I’m all up and about trying to get the pills ASAP before the CD4 count drops even further.

    @JustJames I hope you are around when the shit hits the fan. You might get some in the face :p

    @Jarch I’m sorry, do you have this compulsion to go ‘wiki’ with almost everything? I have noticed that. I also wonder what wikipedia would say about that.
    Just so you know, I didn’t wish gono, warts and the other common but temporal STIs on myself. Why HIV? Maybe your wiki needs a different definition for me

    @Chizzie Your comment has touched me most. Maybe because its least expected.

    @Metro Its just one of those things that makes me me I think. While on phone with my partner last night, my voice was all raised in drama but even I knew my anger at him was all feigned. I was only VERY disappointed.

    • least expected…? ok dt surprisingly hurt. I’m not a mean person. I’m really nice when its deserved. And i’ll never talk mean when its HIV related. Haba u guys should cut me some slack .

      • Trust me chizzie, you have turn down your “I am a claw wielding bitch” mode down a notch (or two), the chizzie we been know before eh! He will talk and find fault about even the most important things. Should we be thanking a guy’s D for dicking you well? You know that thing they say about good sex and it’s power to make the meanest boy happy.

  12. @Pinky and the rest of our brothers,why are you guys surprised at “last shagg being three years ago”?haba..some of us haven’t even had sex from both sexes all their lives….
    Let me not even go far sef,what can you say about me,in my 28 years in this planet earth,I have not had sex….na bad thing com be that….not even the *almighty wanking* sef…i haven’t,and I no va die…,there are people like that who can stay that long even after a long while of shagging

  13. Yeah I stayed away from sex for so many reasons,I stayed three years bfor that shag and its almost 3years again, I do hear my friends gossip too like ‘who is victor shagging?’ But please I’m not asexual,I get horny like everyday hence the wanking

  14. Lol @pinky…please need I repeat myself again….yes I have not had sex….and yes I watch adult movies..,,guess its too weird to be true…well,that is just it…i have never wanked na….why is too difficult to accept,I am not going to say more on this.and I am not going to make any believe me,that is just it….but please there are people out there who are like me out there….i could remember my close friends telling me if I don’t get myself disvirgined,I will have psychological problems….i am yet to know what they are saying is true….

    • So you. Have. Never. Released. Semen?!
      Ever.
      In your life.
      At all.
      You’ve never known the satisfaction of release (and please, wet dreams don’t count)

      What then do you do with your hard-ons? Or don’t you get them either?

    • First time commentary. Well, dis yung man claims he is a virgin. Please believe him. Some people suffer from psychological problems that makes them unable to have any sexual attributes. But i personally think he is an attention seeker.

    • I think there’s a term for this- acting foolish to gain attention,can’t recall the exact word. But I believe u r a virgin, there’s a childish demeanor and a senselessness to ur comments …so that bit I believe. However, wrap up the theatrical antics pls and call it a day.

  15. I think I can relate to him. If not for boarding school nd its exposure, am very sure I would still b a virgin myself by now. Upbringing, nature of d person, environment nd kind of parents could add up *just saying*.

  16. The very truths of knowing yur status shatters the tiny fibers of reality left in yu……Thanks Paradox for sharing and Pinky i think it’s time i sent in my own experience (leave me jor! @ Victor).

  17. Haba….na WA oh…..it has boiled down to attention seeking….?and I felt this blog is an avenue to speak our minds no matter what,tell our stories as they are….yet it has resulted in name calling and harsh comments?I thought as *friends * we could sit at each others tables without invitations nothing would go wrong….guess I was wrong…we could at least be civil even if we can’t afford to be nice with our words,,,.so because one has done something,that gives the right to say this….can’t we disagree yet we won’t make harsh comments ?yet you would want us to be truthful and sincere with our stories yet we discourage them with the words we say….i have always been reading the posts here,its a must I do,just that I never commented not until my good friend,Ace,advised me to…now what do I get?

    Anyway,people on this blog don’t really know me,that’s enough consolation for me……at least I know two people here very well that knows me also outside this blog….

    #enough said #

    • @Handsomely: darling you have got to learn to live above negativity. I believe what you said about not having sex. Why? Cos I have no reason NOT TO. And even if I don’t, you have a right to express yourself and not get insulted. Please keep commenting!

    • Just seeing the comments. Make una free Handsome. Una never meet person, una dey crucify. Una dey give me second-hand shame nah, bad first impression considering i encouraged him to join the community. If una no believe say he never fuck, share your reservations maturedly nah. Chizzie, abeg keep your slaughter knob turned low nah, i thought you are now born again?

  18. @Paradox: I’m sorry about your status. If you need someone to talk to from time to time, I’m available. I’m so very busy now but I’ll try!

      • well, its not easy to comfort a person in distress. choice of words are a problem. I dont think you should focus on the words used. its the intention that counts. So i shouldnt be sorry about his status? what should i be? “unsorry”?

  19. Hahaha,Ace….maybe I should invite the other two wizards to come deal with some people here,lets make it four of us,lol….what do you think?

  20. Ah ah! Dis virgin Case still dey go on? Make una free Handsome biko! Everybody no go b ashewo, we go still get priests nd nuns joor. Lol!

  21. Welcome to the club bro…You will just be very fine…..thank God u have prior knowledge about HIV…..Same goes for me….was a trained Peer Educator Trainer……been positive for a year and some months….CD4 still very high…..no ART yet sha….i’ma forward ma story too…..

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