I say ‘finally’ because since the first time I was tested as an HIV awareness advocate in my service year two years ago, I had always wondered and had been morbidly fascinated by what it’d be like having the virus. I had also always wanted to make friends with the HIV+ guys. Alas, they always ignored me. As I’ve always said; the point to empathy is being in the shoes actually. I have gotten my wish. The only regret I have about this situation is some ignoramus somewhere being quick to judge upon hearing I’m gay. Hell, some on here will be fast in calling me a “bloody arse whore”. Oh well…
As my doctor friend broke the news to me, my mind ran through all the partners I’ve had. Past and present. My last partner, who I stupidly trusted, evidently wasn’t trustworthy. I have asked him to go get tested as well, and I sincerely hope he turns out negative. I’ll know then that I have the barber to blame for this. I probably will be more confident in telling people I’m positive and quick to shut their yapping traps if they dare blame the shii on my being gay. However, if na positive…*bites forefinger*
Still, I am in denial. I still pray now – as I plan to see another doctor soon – that the strips from the last test were faulty and that there was a mistake with the test kit. Just as there was a mistake when my blood grouping and genotype was being determined.
In all, I don’t want to be alone. I could die. Years of wishing and imagining I had HIV probably has prepared me for this eventuality, but it is still disheartening to know I couldn’t wheedle a promise out of my doctor friend to not desert me when I need to do my funnies or just be a bitch generally. I know he has his own life to live and all that, and could be thinking, But I didn’t send you message to have bareback sex na. But it would have been comforting to know he has my back.
I wonder why I’m still so calm about this. I have no one to blame. Never was one to push my responsibility on anyone anyway, but I should be throwing tantrums, crying fits and blaming boyfriend, society…somebody. Oh well…
My advice at this point would have been, “Live responsibly”. But when you have lived responsibly like I had nko? And trusted my lover of many months and romps?
Ndi KD, go with God.
Written by Paradox